Depressions

When you cannot escape
Nor beat it back
How could you handle,
Losing the track?
When it's all coming down on you
To strike you real hard
And you still weren't dealt
The winning card
Crushed towards the asphalt
The issues laying on your shoulders
And is it just you
Or is the world getting colder?
The same old story
Did they stop to believe?
Since you're still not okay
Things you still couldn't achieve
When you find no real reason
To why the hell you're crying
And use the old cliché;
That inside you're dying
When you think that you're improving
But no sadness would decrease
Or when you're so fucking tired
But still can't find no peace

loss of the purest smile

Time past by as the rain would hit the ground
We couldn't catch it
Like snowflakes on your tongue
Your smile would tell me stories of childhood
And the sweetness in earth
While I was devoured by the bitter soil

We walked hand in hand through centuries
You bathing in sunshine
And I was drenched in rain
I guess the ocean longed for your pureness
When it swallowed you whole
When it swallowed your soul

The forbidden hunger and life isn't fair
But the snow would still fall
Even though no pureness caught them
The flakes came to strike me down again
They blamed me for letting go
They claimed me for your smile

Jag lägger mig på rygg
Väntar på att ensamheten ska domna bort
Väntar på att det svarta ska domna bort
Men det domnar aldrig
Intensiv smärta
Som biter mig, sväljer små delar
Tar mer och mer av den jag var
Vem blir jag?

Beyond Speech

You'll have to walk your own way
And no one else can sew you whole
It's easier to fix a broken leg but
Who could ever see a tormented soul?

When there's something you can't touch
A damage you cannot reach
Something torn apart somewhere inside
Beyond human vision and speech

I believed so much in our strong world
'Cause that was all there was
But how developed are we really
When we don't even have words for the other side of us

Try to stick a needle in my head
See if it'd make me less broken
And all the bricks on my lungs
All these emotions left unspoken

And I just want to rest my head
Since I'm not that damn strong
I used to be but she broke me down
And now I'm so fucking wrong

Someday I shall come again
I'll break right through this despair
There's too much I long for
One day, I'll be out there

I'd like to Escape Reality

I want to nail my feet to the ground
To prevent myself from floating away
For I tend to leave reality
When it seems to be a bad day
The meadow is much more comfortable
The grass could never stake my body through
And there is no coldness, nor any hurt
As I stare up in the sky oh blue

When anxiety reaches it's peak on these raw nights
The world seems so hard
Like the warm surface would only be colorful concrete
And am I the only one restless to regard?
When I finally fall asleep on the morning side
I sleep in the arms of loneliness
To turn in the world's silence
That only tells me about the emptiness

Like I walk around with a dagger in my heart
Something could twist it in 180 degrees
And even though it would never kill me
It would neither make the anxiety appease
And the ache could come anytime
Like a fracture somewhere within
When I try to hide from all of it
The sharpness is pushed further in

Absolution

What will be my evolution?
For all the days I lost I've got the blame
When will be my absolution?
Then I'll be free from shame
To find the right solution
And not that I'm insane
When my angst will come to it's diminution
And there will be no constant pain
To make a resolution
That I won't go too deep
Since my head has caused me this persecution
All the nights when I couldn't sleep
When the hurt has gotten a dilution
It won't feel so damn hard to survive
This will come as my revolution
When I'll finally feel alive

Behind The Words That Never Reached Any Man's Tounge

It's sunrise, the start of a new day
For fragile emotions to burn
As the doubting beams gleam over the rooftops
There's a new world for which I yearn
'Cause I've been observing these rituals for long
Every morning is unique
Still I can't get rid of this anguish
For I'm still so goddamn weak
And how could I explain to you
How much these times mean to me
To see the world I've longed for
Since I'm not out there, I'm not free
The windows are just not of glass
But held by things humans have got no words for
We thought we could express ourself
But what's the word for when your inside's sore?
When you're falling even though you're standing still
And it feels like hundred bricks on your chest
When something inside of you is eating you up
And even though you're tired you can't find no rest
What's the cure for spilled childhood
The times when I'd rather disappear
When I dream of a meadow of pureness
Still I tend to wake up to find that I'm still here
In my depression, locked up inside
The world's silence, they're too far away
All of them wanted to help me but
None could find the right way

Bombing Me

I'm not sure if I disappoint myself more
Than the ones I care for
I'm rotting here in my tomb
In hell, at the second floor
And the skies burn red from all the rage
From inside they feast on me
Not reachable, not stoppable
The hurt that was released inside of me
And the raindrops are bombs on my head
Echoing inside this fragile scale
Go ahead, read me
'Cause I cannot veil
And the inner storm continues more or less
Since the hurt already past it's crest
Even though I'm calming down
I still can't give my body no rest
I'm running away once more
I don't want to stay unstable
And am I just another mad man?
Can you find me a label?
But then please find me a cure
To keep my inner candle
To get rid of my hurt
Something I can handle

The Shame

I can taste the bitterness
When I'm trying to sleep
And the stings in my chest
For the memories I had to keep
That poisoned my head
And drove me insane
But I was too afraid
To ever complain
For the distrust that went on
The inner battles I faced
And still questioning
Why I was the only one not embraced
I felt so damn wrong
Life if I was covered in dirt
I think it scarred me
Since I still fucking hurt
And I hide my face
'Cause I'm full of shame
Since I hate what I am
What I became
To run from the past
And hide in a disguise
And I keep isolating myself
This is the prize
To not break into pieces
I stay in a zone more or less abstract
Just to not fall apart
But to keep myself intact

Storm Inside

So much can be said without words
But who would ever mind?
If someone is breaking
'Cause there lays a comfort in being blind
Like when the world is hurting me
Kicking me on the ground
Beating my smiles out
Inside the anxiety would resound
Echoing inside of this shell
So full of emotions
And while my face is turning grey
My inside is full of commotion
The screams of my ghosts
How they play with my head
And how could I ignore
When my inside's so shred?
And the ache came to conquer
Somewhere in my heart it chose to root
And only with tire and tears
Is the way I refute
'Cause it's like an inner combat
And my body's my cage
With no place to hide
When it lets out it's rage

Relations

Like all these goddamn memories
Has anyone got to me yet?
I'm just gonna put them in a box
To try to forget
What the hell happened
Why were I hated?
Sometimes you confuse me,
What if this all was just something I created?
In my head, in my mind
Would this satisfy?
You broke me
This I couldn't deny
Still it hurts
And you're the one I blame
For so long I bent my head down
But now you're the one to carry the shame!
Flowers are withering
But how could they survive?
I guess we're all gonna die some day but
You and I were never alive

Insanity

My body itches
And the tears corrode
So many feelings
Makes me wanna explode
Like bugs under my skin
Am I going insane?
Like they're screaming for me
While they're just in my brain
And I hate this illness
How it turns
From being alright
And then how it burns
Running down my throat
Like acid or broken glass
All these feelings
That just won't pass!
It's been like this for so damn long
And it just won't go
I've come to the point where I'd just rather
Shut my eyes and lay low

Outsider

I haven't seen her
For such a long time
But I remember her in the couch
With a glass of red wine
I guess it wasn't much
Nothing concrete
Still she managed to break me
Still she made me incomplete
I guess I just wanted to be accepted
I wanted to belong
'Cause no matter how much I thought about it
I couldn't understand what I did wrong
How was I not like my sisters
How did I stand out so much
That I deserved to be treated
So badly in her clutch
For many years I lived like this
All the time I tried
To figure out why I was wrong?
Why was I put aside?
And dad didn't notice
Was he blind or did he deny?
How she carved marks in me with only her eyes
That still can make me cry

I'm breaking them

The ones close to me, the ones I love
Their sad faces make me ache
For I never wished to hurt them
Still I managed to make them break

Why can't I keep my troubles for myself
So they won't have to suffer
'Cause when they care so much
They just made my path tougher

Still don't turn away from me
I don't want to be forgotten
'Cause in my loneliness they still never left me
Deep inside I'm so damn rotten

It's like it's contagious
My fucking disease
Joy is what it feasts on, to bring out the dark
The moments I wanted to sease

When I was stuck behind my square of glass
I couldn't take a step outside
Still I longed for the beauty in this world
To not have to abide

Filled with Concrete

I feel full of concrete
It's heavy only to breathe
I try to be discreet
I'll just have to proceed

I'm just so damn afraid
Trying to be less insecure
All these walls I've made
What were they ever good for?

I try to seem okay I guess
But sometimes it just gives in
To distract the audience from my badness
A surface made of rusty tin

Here I am, neurotic!
Why was my brain the fucked up one!?
Trying to keep my skin thick
Trying to hold thoughts which weighs a ton

On these weak shoulders
You can place your burden on me
To make me harder, make me colder
So far away from the one I'm supposed to be

Left behind or the one who left

All these dull mornings
The coffee as my drug supplier
And even though I slept all night
I'm still so full of sorrow and tire

And then it hits me in my chest
Is this all I've lost!?
All the times I ran away
And kept my fingers crossed

When the sun will arrive again
And not only for awhile
Will I stand alone for once and for all
Or will they still be patient and smile

For of my stupidity and when drenched in shadows
I've done things in my despair
But the things they never saw;
I was too afraid to stay there

I've smiled recently and I've tried so hard
To be like I used to
But still what's echoing inside
All these emotions I can't break through

All these lonely nights
Wanna join and break me, apply here
'Cause now my demons are trying
To drench my burning fire

All these days has past
Still I'm a professional crier
People came and people left
How long can I stay denier?

When the storm has gone by
In the end I just broke them all
They relied on me
And I dragged them with me in my fall

I guess it's time to go
And I'm the only one still living in yesterday
They say I'm not alone but
Then why do they turn away

I feel so left behind
And mostly I'm a mess
This is no excuse but
In the end I abandoned them I guess

Towards the Cement

The fire laughs at me
And the sound rings like death in my ears
They're trying to get into me
My demons and ghosts
Haunting me
Hiding in the smoke
My heart is filled with pain
And my head with lies
Like a tumor in my chest
Panic is growing
And I'm stuck in between these walls
That I've built up so carefully

I made an armour of cement
To not get stung by the sun
To not let them carve in my skin
The nightmares that I still try to forget
This shield that I wanted
Is running out of air
And the feelings are growing
Like a scream wanting to get out
Is pushed towards the surface
But the armour is still not breaking
The scream is growing
Damped by the cement
And inside I'm hurting
Inside I'm breaking down

Mission Impossible

My warmth
Erased or replaced
Left my body
With nothing but cold
The affection
Like electricity
Disappeared in my shadows
And left place for the ghosts
Still haunting me
Like cancer in my head
Still stabbing me
To watch me bleed
Out the joy and energy
That I try so desperately to keep

Tire and sadness
Like a broken ashtray
I spilled out my mind
For everyone to read
For everyone to taste
But the bitterness
Drove them away
And the cancer grew
So I pushed the people away
To not get too close
They couldn't comfort me
Or heal me
Mission impossible
Mission uncompleted

Breaking Down

And you cut me down
But this wouldn't satisfy you
This wasn't enough for you

To get inside me
Only to pick my head apart
And all my thoughts were spread out

To mind my own business
But you couldn't stay with yours
Did you enjoy to watch me break down?

Loneliness

The loneliness came to conquer me
Crawled inside my heart
How many smiles did pass me this year?
Like darkness came to steal them
I shouldn't have let them go
But I was too weak, to busy with breathing
Heavily, with bricks on my lungs
Sadness was growing
For not a huge reason
And I became afraid of living
I'm afraid of breathing
Darkness swallowed me whole
Spit me out in hell
To torture me