A new way

Another pathetic poem
Of the same damn complications
How many different sentances can I make
How many different formations
Out of the same dirt and soil
That I got stuck in
When will my poems form a solution
So I can begin again
Start on my new chapter
That I dream of so damn much
When will I be ready,
To live on without my pills as a crutch
As I can feel things that aren't there
My mind reaches a loaded state
Out of logic and sense and reality
And I just cannot think straight
Something captured me in this matter
How will it end?
Maybe when I change my ways
Or when I would stop to pretend
Embrace the problems in public
Stop pushing the truth away
Deal with myself
Not a single fake smile would show on my face
Let's rise this new day

Sleepless

Wide open eyes
I don't dare to close them
Time passes by slowly
And I don't dare to move
I cannot sleep

My head is full of darkness
Crawled inside an innocent mind
Screaming in my head
No one else can hear them
I'm insane and I cannot sleep

Heavy breaths she draws occasionally
Night is growing bigger, brighter, darker
But I'm still awake
And I am still afraid
An edge too damn steep

Broken thoughts turns into dust
I am still awake
The world is resting peacefully
Sunrise burns my eyes this time
Depression rooted pretty deep

Four-thirty, five-fifteen, eternity
Time is watching me
And anxiety can see right through me
Reading my every breath
And I still cannot sleep

Screams

Hands in my head
Reaching for my thoughts
'Cause they wouldn't dare me my privacy
I only faced ignorance
Wherever I went

And every word I spoke
Was gently taken care of
They put my sentences in a folder
Along with my emotions
They wouldn't spare me my mind

But the heartbeats couldn't tell
How painful it was
For I am normal
There's nothing wrong with me
Apparently I am okay

If my lungs would run out of air
Filled with soil instead
Thick dirt in my veins
Thick dirt running through my brain
And a buried mind somewhere

My Violet Sky

As the world is crying
Little drops on my hands
And I'm living in my violet sky
For what could make me more real?

I prefer my dreamland sometimes
When the world is too raw
And the summer days have never been this cold
The sunlight has never been so cold before

Cracks on my wall
It's falling down on me
It's all coming down on me now
Reality would strike me hard

Punished for hiding
For living in my head
They'd come to drag me back
To the cold summer days

loneliness

And as the panic would strike me
In my chest late at night
I wonder why the hell I cannot breathe

And you make me feel dead
Why am I still walking?
Why would no one come to rescue me?

Could they even?

When I would push them away
How come I claim for rescue?

I left myself alone

I'll Try To Explain

When the world around you seems to brighten up
The summer came to sing you it's song
And everyone's smiling, everyone's glad
But still you cannot belong?
And you try to smile like the rest of them
You really try so fucking hard
But cannot stay calm
'Cause you're still on your guard
In these times it tends to come strike you
Take your breath away
You might have had rest for some time
But you know this will betray
For it always returns
To drag you down again
Will you always be living like this
On the edge to insane
And the bridges you burned
For the fright was too intense
To be left behind by the ones who cared
You built a wall so damn immense
And you confuse yourself
Something inside you is misplaced
Like a growing, black hole
Or a rope 'round your waist
Making in difficult to breathe
Something so plain
Is so damn straining to you
And what will remain?
When it's finally over
When you've gone through
The things breaking the person you were
What will be left of you?

Depressions

When you cannot escape
Nor beat it back
How could you handle,
Losing the track?
When it's all coming down on you
To strike you real hard
And you still weren't dealt
The winning card
Crushed towards the asphalt
The issues laying on your shoulders
And is it just you
Or is the world getting colder?
The same old story
Did they stop to believe?
Since you're still not okay
Things you still couldn't achieve
When you find no real reason
To why the hell you're crying
And use the old cliché;
That inside you're dying
When you think that you're improving
But no sadness would decrease
Or when you're so fucking tired
But still can't find no peace

loss of the purest smile

Time past by as the rain would hit the ground
We couldn't catch it
Like snowflakes on your tongue
Your smile would tell me stories of childhood
And the sweetness in earth
While I was devoured by the bitter soil

We walked hand in hand through centuries
You bathing in sunshine
And I was drenched in rain
I guess the ocean longed for your pureness
When it swallowed you whole
When it swallowed your soul

The forbidden hunger and life isn't fair
But the snow would still fall
Even though no pureness caught them
The flakes came to strike me down again
They blamed me for letting go
They claimed me for your smile

Jag lägger mig på rygg
Väntar på att ensamheten ska domna bort
Väntar på att det svarta ska domna bort
Men det domnar aldrig
Intensiv smärta
Som biter mig, sväljer små delar
Tar mer och mer av den jag var
Vem blir jag?

Beyond Speech

You'll have to walk your own way
And no one else can sew you whole
It's easier to fix a broken leg but
Who could ever see a tormented soul?

When there's something you can't touch
A damage you cannot reach
Something torn apart somewhere inside
Beyond human vision and speech

I believed so much in our strong world
'Cause that was all there was
But how developed are we really
When we don't even have words for the other side of us

Try to stick a needle in my head
See if it'd make me less broken
And all the bricks on my lungs
All these emotions left unspoken

And I just want to rest my head
Since I'm not that damn strong
I used to be but she broke me down
And now I'm so fucking wrong

Someday I shall come again
I'll break right through this despair
There's too much I long for
One day, I'll be out there

I'd like to Escape Reality

I want to nail my feet to the ground
To prevent myself from floating away
For I tend to leave reality
When it seems to be a bad day
The meadow is much more comfortable
The grass could never stake my body through
And there is no coldness, nor any hurt
As I stare up in the sky oh blue

When anxiety reaches it's peak on these raw nights
The world seems so hard
Like the warm surface would only be colorful concrete
And am I the only one restless to regard?
When I finally fall asleep on the morning side
I sleep in the arms of loneliness
To turn in the world's silence
That only tells me about the emptiness

Like I walk around with a dagger in my heart
Something could twist it in 180 degrees
And even though it would never kill me
It would neither make the anxiety appease
And the ache could come anytime
Like a fracture somewhere within
When I try to hide from all of it
The sharpness is pushed further in

Absolution

What will be my evolution?
For all the days I lost I've got the blame
When will be my absolution?
Then I'll be free from shame
To find the right solution
And not that I'm insane
When my angst will come to it's diminution
And there will be no constant pain
To make a resolution
That I won't go too deep
Since my head has caused me this persecution
All the nights when I couldn't sleep
When the hurt has gotten a dilution
It won't feel so damn hard to survive
This will come as my revolution
When I'll finally feel alive

Behind The Words That Never Reached Any Man's Tounge

It's sunrise, the start of a new day
For fragile emotions to burn
As the doubting beams gleam over the rooftops
There's a new world for which I yearn
'Cause I've been observing these rituals for long
Every morning is unique
Still I can't get rid of this anguish
For I'm still so goddamn weak
And how could I explain to you
How much these times mean to me
To see the world I've longed for
Since I'm not out there, I'm not free
The windows are just not of glass
But held by things humans have got no words for
We thought we could express ourself
But what's the word for when your inside's sore?
When you're falling even though you're standing still
And it feels like hundred bricks on your chest
When something inside of you is eating you up
And even though you're tired you can't find no rest
What's the cure for spilled childhood
The times when I'd rather disappear
When I dream of a meadow of pureness
Still I tend to wake up to find that I'm still here
In my depression, locked up inside
The world's silence, they're too far away
All of them wanted to help me but
None could find the right way

Bombing Me

I'm not sure if I disappoint myself more
Than the ones I care for
I'm rotting here in my tomb
In hell, at the second floor
And the skies burn red from all the rage
From inside they feast on me
Not reachable, not stoppable
The hurt that was released inside of me
And the raindrops are bombs on my head
Echoing inside this fragile scale
Go ahead, read me
'Cause I cannot veil
And the inner storm continues more or less
Since the hurt already past it's crest
Even though I'm calming down
I still can't give my body no rest
I'm running away once more
I don't want to stay unstable
And am I just another mad man?
Can you find me a label?
But then please find me a cure
To keep my inner candle
To get rid of my hurt
Something I can handle

The Shame

I can taste the bitterness
When I'm trying to sleep
And the stings in my chest
For the memories I had to keep
That poisoned my head
And drove me insane
But I was too afraid
To ever complain
For the distrust that went on
The inner battles I faced
And still questioning
Why I was the only one not embraced
I felt so damn wrong
Life if I was covered in dirt
I think it scarred me
Since I still fucking hurt
And I hide my face
'Cause I'm full of shame
Since I hate what I am
What I became
To run from the past
And hide in a disguise
And I keep isolating myself
This is the prize
To not break into pieces
I stay in a zone more or less abstract
Just to not fall apart
But to keep myself intact

Storm Inside

So much can be said without words
But who would ever mind?
If someone is breaking
'Cause there lays a comfort in being blind
Like when the world is hurting me
Kicking me on the ground
Beating my smiles out
Inside the anxiety would resound
Echoing inside of this shell
So full of emotions
And while my face is turning grey
My inside is full of commotion
The screams of my ghosts
How they play with my head
And how could I ignore
When my inside's so shred?
And the ache came to conquer
Somewhere in my heart it chose to root
And only with tire and tears
Is the way I refute
'Cause it's like an inner combat
And my body's my cage
With no place to hide
When it lets out it's rage

Relations

Like all these goddamn memories
Has anyone got to me yet?
I'm just gonna put them in a box
To try to forget
What the hell happened
Why were I hated?
Sometimes you confuse me,
What if this all was just something I created?
In my head, in my mind
Would this satisfy?
You broke me
This I couldn't deny
Still it hurts
And you're the one I blame
For so long I bent my head down
But now you're the one to carry the shame!
Flowers are withering
But how could they survive?
I guess we're all gonna die some day but
You and I were never alive

Insanity

My body itches
And the tears corrode
So many feelings
Makes me wanna explode
Like bugs under my skin
Am I going insane?
Like they're screaming for me
While they're just in my brain
And I hate this illness
How it turns
From being alright
And then how it burns
Running down my throat
Like acid or broken glass
All these feelings
That just won't pass!
It's been like this for so damn long
And it just won't go
I've come to the point where I'd just rather
Shut my eyes and lay low

Outsider

I haven't seen her
For such a long time
But I remember her in the couch
With a glass of red wine
I guess it wasn't much
Nothing concrete
Still she managed to break me
Still she made me incomplete
I guess I just wanted to be accepted
I wanted to belong
'Cause no matter how much I thought about it
I couldn't understand what I did wrong
How was I not like my sisters
How did I stand out so much
That I deserved to be treated
So badly in her clutch
For many years I lived like this
All the time I tried
To figure out why I was wrong?
Why was I put aside?
And dad didn't notice
Was he blind or did he deny?
How she carved marks in me with only her eyes
That still can make me cry

I'm breaking them

The ones close to me, the ones I love
Their sad faces make me ache
For I never wished to hurt them
Still I managed to make them break

Why can't I keep my troubles for myself
So they won't have to suffer
'Cause when they care so much
They just made my path tougher

Still don't turn away from me
I don't want to be forgotten
'Cause in my loneliness they still never left me
Deep inside I'm so damn rotten

It's like it's contagious
My fucking disease
Joy is what it feasts on, to bring out the dark
The moments I wanted to sease

When I was stuck behind my square of glass
I couldn't take a step outside
Still I longed for the beauty in this world
To not have to abide