Anxiety

And here it goes again
I start to shiver
I'm losing it
And my breaths quiver

And it's highly painful
I'm damn broken inside
I guess you've heard it a million times
That's why I put myself aside

And it's hard to describe
When your mind breaks down
When you're all damn alone
While other's around

When no one cares
No one gives a damn
When no one understands
That's when you're condemn

Disappointment

Left alone again
But this time, I won't be okay
Left out in the cold again
This time it won't go away

Can't you see how fragile I am
This time I won't come out alive
I've got too bad memories
This time I won't survive

Forgotten
Lost in the cold
Full of anxiety
And things I've never told

I broke our promise
I'm sorry, it meant much for true
I didn't want to disappoint you
But that seems to be the only thing I can do

For Mother

A home we didn't have for years
Barely a relation with our dad
Too much time alone
I guess we had our reasons to be sad

The warmth we never shared
In a way it's not supposed to be
A truly messed up family
So many times you saved me

You've always been my escape
Someone we can count on
Who'll always be there
Even when we're gone

I just want to make it clear
That we love you, it's true
We'll still need you here
What would we do without you?

<3

The Past

And you know just where to push
Like a marionette I follow your orders
You know just the right ways to hurt me
Taking advantage of my disorders

You know just the right buttons
Where I would break down
You've got me in your clutch
And with a word you'd make me drown

In my own blood
'Cause of the wounds we left open wide
The things we never mentioned
I've already died

And a heart full of sorrow and regret
Is what we left behind
Things we didn't clear up
Can't we just rewind?

Get me back to where it went wrong
And let me try again
Let's undo the hurt, unwind the misunderstandings
Give me a chanse to explain

Blame It On Me

All the shame
Is mine to bare
Everytime you fall
I should've been there

And when they hurt me
It's always the same
My own fault
On me they blame

And when I'm kicked
While I'm still on the ground
Blame it on me
I shouldn't have made a sound

And when I'm hurt
It's my own fault
Really, I don't deserve being okay
Fill my wounds with salt

Don't look down at me
Saying it ain't real
'Cause I always end up blaming myself
It's true how I feel

Blame it on me
Blame it on me
I'm okay
Just blame it on me

If You Knew

I'd like to tell you
What made my smile untrue
What made me hide
If you knew

And what has been tearing me
What drew me into
Been pushing me towards the edge
If you knew

Would you beleive me
If I told you what I went through
What I stood out with
If only you knew

And if I'd admit
That there was someone who
Made me this way
If you knew

And would you listen
If I'd review
My memories
If only you knew

I don't want to carry it on my own
What's making me blue
I want someone beside me
Who's willing to stay true
If only someone knew

Steel

If I'd show my emotions
Everytime I want to die
I wouldn't have no friends
And the ones around would suffer 'cause I cry

It's not fair to be depressed everyday
Then it's not only a burdon of my own
Everyone wouldn't stand it
And then I'd end up alone

And also
I don't want to show myself weak
And vulnerable
I'm already getting so much critique

And they'd find out how to hurt me
In the most effective ways
And since it's already tough
I don't want worse days

It's strained enough to wake up
Knowing there's another day full of depression
And anxiety and fear
Facing everyone's question

If I'm alright
And what is wrong?
Hard to explain
Why I don't get along

I don't really know the answer myself
But I know that it's real
I know that I'm broken
If I only had a layer of steel

Then no one could hurt me
No one could reach too deep
And a body of steel
Wouldn't cry itself to sleep

Carve And Cut

And it hurts inside of me
Don't know what
Can still feel it strong
Made me cut

And made me scratch and made me carve
Into the white skin of mine
And for the first time of my life
I felt the divine

It was filling me
For barely a minute
But those seconds was worth is
And the addiction still pursuit

But what is a world full of emptiness
Except for when I bleed
And even though I'm betraying
It's an aching need

This was what I deserved
Since I've done so much wrong
Don't deserve to be okay
I don't deserve to belong

And least of all
I deserve you
You're so damn good
Too good to be true

Going Down

My eyes are burning

Don't want to see no more lies
They made me like this

Please blacken my eyes

And I can see myself go down
Slowly falling apart

Can do nothing to stop it

Becoming another piece of art

And I just want to give up

But just when I'm about to withdraw

I find guilt inside

And you give me a new reason to go on

Maybe it's a burdon

That I'm addicted of you

You can make me high

Damp the thoughts that puruse

My eyes are on fire
Don't want to see your games
Am I the only one noticing
Can't you see the flames?

This is the prize,
Please blacken my eyes

Whispers

I'm full of sadness
Don't know why
But I've given up
Can I still catch your eye?

Something's eating me up from inside
And something is aching
I try to hide it
But I can feel myself breaking

And when I try to damp
The thoughts in my head
The feelings that bring me
Tears full of dread

I tried to hurt myself
To take the pain away
I got obsessive
But still was just lead astray

And now I'm broken
I can feel it damn strong
Still trying to find this
Goddamn place where it went wrong

What did I do
To deserve all this
Why am I wrong
What did I miss

My Obsession

I'm falling back again
Down in this depression
I'm losing track again
Finding back to my obsession

I'm playing rough again
And I'll get hurt
I'm feeling down again
It's about to revert

I'm falling back again
Down in this depression
I'm losing track again
And I've got to make a confession
Something for you to question
'Cause while it's killing me
It's still my possession

Silent Screams

And this feeling is stabbing me
I can feel it cut damn deep
These thoughts are making me see
That I'm balancing on an edge fucking steep

And these thoughts are bringing me panic
Slowly tearing me apart
I feel pretty manic
With sorrow deep in my heart

And I cry without no reason
I don't know why I'm sad
And life's moving on, season by season
It's driving me mad

That I just can't be okay
Just like the rest
For them it's a day
For me it's a test

Everyday is just another step closer to the edge
The will to say goodbye
Like am standing on a ledge
While I try to deny

You can say that I'm imagining
And even if it isn't real
It's real to me, and it sting
Yeh, even if it's not real, it's still how I feel

Just Before I Panic

I don't want to be this fragile
I want to be able to stand up alone
Don't want to be depending
I'd like to make it on my own

And I didn't ask for nights of horror
Coming from inside
I didn't ask for pain
And wounds open wide

I didn't want to be soar
I never wished to get hurt
Why did I deserve panic
To be down in the dirt

And I want to smile for real
Without being high
I want a chanse
And a reason to try

To go on
'til the day that I die
Get away from this darkness
In where I lie

And all the times I shiver
'Cause lack of security
When I don't want to stay
In my fucking reality

And if life's this way
I don't want to live
If I'd ever leave this place
Would you forgive?

Heaven is Burning

'Cause heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Paradise's on fire
Can I survive

So damn lonely
With people around
So damn broken
Time to come back to the ground
And realize
That I can't keep on sliding
From pills to fumes
Can't keep on hiding

'Cause Heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Could you save me
Make me survive
Heaven's on fire
It's always the same
Balancing on a line
To be lost in the flame

And I'm falling
From up high
Moving closer to reality
I don't want to die
And yes I've been crying
For goddamn too long
I'm losing, right?
It feels so damn wrong

I don't want to lose this
But I can see it go down
My heaven's on fire
I can see myself drown

Heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Would you save me
Make me survive

Words

And would you whisper in my ear
With a depth that could make me cry
Will you stand here
Even when I'm this close to die

You told me you'd stand by forever
No matter what
But can even the strongest ever
Hold on to a person who's shut?

I'd like to hold you till you shine
So no darkness could hurt you
I really want to make you fine
But I'm too weak to

Memories

I've got this image as myself
I'm so young
And I'm smiling
Not even ten and I've already swung

The times I wondered
What the hell was wrong with me
Why did I deserve this
Hated 'cause of the reflection I see

And all the times I wanted to cry
But no tears came
I never knew they'd come one day
Now they me proclaim

They're unstoppable
Ruining my act
Now I can't hide no more
Now the crowd react

I've got this image of myself
I'm so damn small
I'm smiling, I'm laughing
While I feel no joy at all

Sliding

A knife in my chest
Sliding in, deeper and deeper
Of pain I'm possessed
The secrets of a reaper

I'm so damn easy affected
By anywhere I can dwell
Not at all protected
I'll end up in hell

And just to feel hated
Has been tearing me
What your acts created
What they made me see

And I can't take more alone
Can't stand to be awake
Why can't I make it on my own?
Why is everything I do a mistake?

Why do I always ruin my joy
Crashing my fulfilled dreams
Maybe I can only destroy
That's at least how it seems

I've been sliding
From luck to goodbyes
I've been hiding
To prevent others' despise

But it's been a solution
That wouldn't last
It'll become my execution
Brought by the past

Somebody Else

And I'm sorry I'm not stronger
I want to be the one to wipe away your tears
And the control is no longer
Now it's black and white,
the truth appears

And I'm sorry for the cries
I'm not supposed to let them out
When in my head there's a reprise
For what I've felt,
I'm waiting for the drought

And I'm sorry that I ruin
Your good times
Hiding when you've got no clue in
What's in my head,
the role of my crimes

But most of all
I am so damn sorry
That I always fall
And can't be somebody else
I'd like to stand tall
But I end up crawl
I'm sorry
I can't be
Somebody
Else

Just Another Odd Lovepoem

And those times I wanted to cry
But no tears showed
The times I tried to deny
Has now made me expload

I'm just crying too much
My eyes are soar
And without you as my crutch
Wouldn't I be one of the corps?

So today I didn't want time to go on
I wanted those moments with you forever
But they're lost in this dawn
And it makes sedation the thing I endeavour

I miss you already
With you I stay in control
My legs feel steady
And you make me feel whole

Though all the things I feel
For you, I'd never admit
Too good to be true, you must be unreal
All the joy you emit

Hide It Deep Under Your Skin

Just walk, breathe
Pretend you're alive
And when you're alone
The tears may arrive
Just talk, smile
Like if you were alive
And while you're breaking
Pretend like you'll survive

Just walk, talk and smile
Just pretend that you're okay
And when you hide it underneath
Delight is what you convey

What Do I Bring?

And how could I describe this feeling
When I take a step back
Sitting alone, staring up in the ceiling
When I'm losing track

Don't want to stand in the way
I don't want to be the one to destroy
I'd rather go away
So you can still enjoy

And when I realize
That you make it better without me
I come to idealize
I don't want to see

If I wouldn't have been here
With my damn self-destructivity
The one who ruines the cheer
With my obstructivity

And fooling myself everyday
That I'm adding something
The thoughts me astray
And like a smoke, depression is all I bring

And I wanna scratch away my skin
Then I'd be done hiding
You'll see how it's always been
That I've always been sliding

Let Me Hurt

And I didn't want to hide today
Losses of breaths becomes gigantic
I don't want to be this way
And I don't want to panic

My condition is unknown
I have to wait for the voices to go away
Until then I'm locked up alone
I'm really not okay

Only a few have seen me
When I'm this way
When I just can't be
Normal, like the rest may

A thousand miles away
But still I'm sitting next to you
Your looks are like from a beast of prey
And they always pursue

Though I couldn't make it without
Someone caring
Sorry I'm so weak and so damn full of doubt
Feels like everyone's staring

Whispers full of anxiety and fright
I've got the convictions
Though I'm not alright
I just can't get rid of these addictions

And they are hurting me
Taking over my mind
And hell I don't know why
The truth is refined

Down in the dirt
Gets me high
And let me hurt
I just don't want to die

It's a devotion
It makes me feel alive
To get rid of this emotion
Helps me to survive

Suicide

Turning darker and darker
Growing bigger and bigger
This huge hole
Begging me to pull the trigger

Voices inside of me
Screaming in my head
No matter how hard I try to drown the sounds
I can still hear them wishing I was dead

And a razor to my neck
Closed eyelids
Now is the time to remember
Remember what they did

I'm shattered
A fucking thousand pieces
For you it never mattered
And my tears increases

Touch my face
Can't you feel the flames?
Brought to erase me
When the devil claims

And they are everywhere
This is their assault
And it's scaring me
But I guess it's my own fault

Madness

So here I am
Damn speechless
And the only thing I feel
Is a strong scent of emptiness
This feels so unreal
Hope it's a dream
And that I'll soon wake up
With a new self-esteem

And this is tearing me
My whole world is changing
Replaced rolls
And the fucking manuscript re-arranging
The world is teasing me
Kicking me while I'm still on the ground
Giving me no chanse to recover
A torture damn profound

And I've been here before
I remember it like hell
So many tears
The impulse to say farewell
Insecurity and unspoken words
The loneliness
No one to turn to
Drowning in this sadness

Only bringing me madness

I Can't Make the Past Undone

If I could change the past
If I could make it go away
I'd make these things undone
And reverse the times I did betray

The times I made a hole
Inside of me
The times I lost control
When reality disagree

I brought a shadow over myself
And the ones in the crowd
The ones who care
I can never make them proud

'Cause all the times I tried
To not hurt anyone
I did exactly what I didn't mean to
I can't make this undone

And I'm damn sorry
I really want to make you glad
I want to tell you I can do it
Smile with control I've never had

*~*~*

This is a way to tell the ones I hurt
That I'm sorry
I'm so damn sorry
I never wanted to do it on purpose
I'm damn weak
Can't take critique
And when I hurt myself
I know I hurt you
I just can't take this

And I'm sorry I'm not stronger

Crush My Head

My head's aching
The thoughts are bombing my mind
And when I smash my skull against the wall
Serenity is what I want to find

I don't want to think
I know just what'll happen if I do
I'd come to realize
What I'm not letting into

And I can't keep the voices down
They are screaming in my head
I just want to silence them
They'd want to see me dead

I'm sorry I'm doing it
Over and over again
I just can't stand it
I just can't strain

You're Perfect To Me

I've got an addiction
Someone who can make me smile
But still this contradiction
Someone who can make me hostile

And I'm sorry as hell
But I'm so damn obsessed with your eyes
They could tame a rebel
Would see through any disguise

And I wanna give you the stars in a jar
So you could glance at their beauty every night
I'd like to change what things are
And just like you're mine, I wanna be your knight

I'd like to make the past go away
I want to promise you my smile won't be fake
But even if you still light up my day
You can so damn easily make me break

You're the one who can reach to me
Deep inside
And when you disagree
It tears me open wide

You've got that look in your eyes
When I disappoint you
Will you never get tired of my lies?
My ways I use to get through

You're so goddamn perfect
Beautiful in every single way
And your beauty infect
Colouring the world so grey

Let Me Make You Whole

And when you see how vulnerable I am
Will you let me hide under your skin
Get so damn close to you
Hide deep within

Will you take me to your deepest chamber
And put the key in my hand
Will you ever trust me
Or will you get me banned

And dwell upon your own thoughts
Bearing your burdon alone
Will you stay this strong
Will your secrets stay unknown

Will you take me in your arms
And share me your soul
Show me that you care
Let me make you whole

You won't miss me

And when the memories come back
Of how you betrayed
Can't you see I'm losing track
Have you got any idea how many times you made me use the blade

And now it's my time to go
I don't want it to repeat
Just admit you never loved me, you know
This was all incomplete

And I don't want to be the stupied one again
Don't cry for me
This was the only way to get it out from my brain
I'm sorry that I had to flee

You won't miss me
I wasn't meant to be anyway
I'm sorry for the way I chose to be
I'm sorry I couldn't stay another day



"dont think of this poem
it's just the thoughts i had to get out
it's the feelings tearing me
the things that made me want to shout"

Help Me

The blood in my lips are pounding,
Like they're telling me to cut
They are damn resounding,
A sound I just can't shut

And how can someone save me,
If they can't see I'm dying?
Would they just flee,
And leave me without trying?

Please just see me someone,
And switch my pills
Make this killing undone,
Give me something that doesn't kills

Can't you see for help I scream,
That I try to get through
I know that okay I seem,
But if you just knew

They say that I am strong,
I can beat these fights
They are so damn wrong,
But never saw me one of these nights

And I'm telling you
I can't do it alone
For fucks sake, I can't get through
I'm sinking like a stone

Scratch

Scratch, scratch
Somethings crawling inside
Underneath my skin
I'll scratch it open wide

Scratch, scratch
I can't get it out
What's floating in my blood
I just want to shout

Srike, strike
My fists hit my thighs
In frustration I strike
Can't live with my lies

Scratch, scratch
I'm scratching my arm
A layer of skin
I can't live without self-harm

And I sound like a pshyco
When I'm crying out loud
In frustration I'm scratching, I'm hitting
I'm hiding from the crowd

'Cause no one can see me
When I'm this way
They only see the consequences
The price that I pay

this is just fuck

Will you stay with me
Or did I scare you away
Will you stand by and see
Will you get me through the day

Would you take my sored hands and say
"Don't hurt yourself no more
'Cause when you're not okay
I am also torn"

Waiting

I'll be waiting for this loneliness to go away
I'll be watiting for these wounds to heal
I'll be watiting for my hesitation to decay
And one day, a happiness for real

I'll be waiting for the storm to calm down
I'll be watiting for someone to rescue me
I'll be waiting for the world to crown
And one day, I will be free

I'll be waiting for the autum leaves
I'll be waiting for a time without pain
I'll be waiting for being able to roll up my sleeves
And for the stars to reign

And when the scars will fade
As the memories, they will fade away
I'll forget the blood I paid
For happiness,
It's the only way

Who

I'm all alone
Who could I tell?
I'm all frozen
Where can I dwell?

I'm all sore
Who would care?
It's killing me
Who would help me bear?

I can't take this
Who would understand?
I failed you
Who would ever take my hand?

Cold

Cold.
I'll shut you out
Cold.
My breath
Cold.
Don't want to feel no more
Cold.
My hands
Cold.
Like you made me
Cold.
Hate
Cold.
And it won't be
in hell

Nålar

dina ord är Nålar

Och jag är en jävla Nåldyna

You

I'm amazed by your beauty
Didn't think anyone could be like that
So damn concerning, so damn beautiful
Nothing you can combat

'Cause you'll always be everything anyone could ever want
You'll always deserve the best
You deserve the world
Can't be anything else than impressed

And when I hold you in my arms
I can't realize that you chose me
I love you so damn much
But one day you'll see

You'll get tired of the tears
You'll get tired of the cries
You'll find someone who ain't like this
You'll get tired of my lies

And I want to give you what you deserve
I want to be true
And I want you to feel good
I want to shine for you

I'm Sorry

The snow is falling
On my head
At home they're laughing
I'll take this way instead

They won't even notice
That I'm lost in the cold
That I couldn't take more
Of the things I never told

A little sharp blade
That used to get me through these days
This time it helped me when I betrayed
It's my time to amaze

I'm really sorry
If I put you in tears
I'm okay now
No more unanswered prayers

I won't cry no more
I know it's a burdon when I do
I don't want you to ignore
Still I never said what I went trough

You couldn't have saved me
Even if you tried
Someday I'd chose to flee
'Cause for so long I denied

The snow is falling
On my head
The ones I love have no clue
That I'm already dead

Gone Away

And it hurts in me that I can't be
The one you deserve
Happy, beautiful and funny
Someone who didn't only observe

I'm shy and insecure
And I hate the way I am
Holding you down
'Cause I am condemn

Maybe I shouldn't be here
Shouldn't walk on earth
This place belongs to the cheers
All the things I'm not worth

But how would I end it
In a prideful way
Convince that here, I don't fit
No one would notice I've gone away

Alone

And I crawl inside my mind
My eyes are wide open but I'm blind
Thoughts make tears drain
It's driving me insane
And I can't be the one
This has already begun
Laughing, smiling
No, I can't be the one, smiling thing
I want to
Be alive
Don't want to be the one who
Almost can't survive
And in a minute
I'll be sitting in a bathroombooth
While reality's pursuit
My tears will be revealing the truth
I feel so alone

Can't take another day
I don't want to stay
Can't take more lies
Don't want to disguise
I don't have the power to breathe once more
Can't pretend I'm not sore
Don't want to hide
Can't stand to hold up my pride
Don't want more nights
When before my eyes there's flashing lights
'Cause I can't strain
Against the will to slit up a vein
Don't want to be alone
Don't want to be unknown
I don't want to be alone

There's people around me
But they are too blind to see
There are people who care
But I can't share what I bare
Chose to die on my own
But still I don't want to be alone

I don't want to be alone

Burning Inside

Why am I killing myself when I don't want to die
Why am I rejecting the friends I need the most
I am crying but claiming my eyes stay dry
And instead of showing, I'm turning morose

Why don't I deserve to be alright
Why am I always inbetween
These shadows around me ain't turning bright
I'm just only fourteen

And oh god I can't make this on my own
But still I don't want them to know
Thoughts about my head being blown
And the devils will come take me below

I am killing the body I live in
To set my spirit free
Scratching away my skin
So I'll be able to flee

But really I don't want this to end
I don't want to die
But I can no longer pretend
I can no longer deny

I can't say I'm okay
When my head is crushing 'cause my thoughts collide
I guess you can simply say
That I'm burning inside

I S O L A T I O N

I'm losing myself in my own lies
Burning inside 'cause I don't even try
Drowning in the distance to the skies
Hating myself for complaining when I can't say why

And you will learn to hate me
And I want to damp the fall
One day you'll set my blood free
Time to start isolate so I won't have to crawl

Killing me from living a lie
Burning up from inside
Falling from far up high
When my feelings will collide

All Those Years, Those Memories

And here we are again
I just really wanna cry
Time to start a new life with another stain
Now it's time to say goodbye

It feels so damn strange
I'm not sure I can't take it
Going through this change
Another home will split

And I can't stand on my own legs
But now I've gotta support
I'm the one who silent beg
Another of life's resorts

It's harder then it seems
More involved emotions
You won't hear my screams
They'll drown with me in the oceans

And people we knew
We lived with for so long
We'll leave behind forever
Something just went wrong

And now I'm breaking again
My life is falling apart
Time to build a new refrain
This will be a new start

and promise me you'll tell me
what it looks like in heaven

Addictions

We won't settle down
Until ribs and hips will be clear
It's just such a dream
That will be the killpremier
And those nights
Two fingers in your throat
All the fights
We'll write ourself a suicide note
And later on
Some painkillers eased your anxiety
But another addiciton
It's not a varity
You started your own death with purpose
'Cause it still made you live
Easier to go through those days
When you had something to give
To be selfish
Just to make it through another panic attack
I'm sorry I'm doing this to you
I didn't mean to do this behind your back
But I can't stop this
I just don't want to feel
You can make me smile
But still the pain is real

You can't always be here
And life me up high
That's why I can't stop this
I'm sorry, but sometimes it's just too hard to try

I know you're not always okay
You never trusted me enough
To tell me what was wrong
That life can be tough

I don't want to see you fall
I wanna be there
And I'm trying to give you my all
I still care

Split Me Up And Sew Me Back Right

I wanna cut myself wide open
And sew myself back the way I should be
I'm all damn wrong, can't you see?
All this inside, it's killing me
And it feels like I'm bursting
No one is here to hold my hand
To sew back the pieces
I look beside me where no one stand
Like my heart can't take more
Revealing secrets
I can't explain
I won't complain
I'll just lie on the floor
And think through what I've done
Just you ignore
And I'll be slowly dying
Breathing in the fumes
My mind will be flying
I'll be crying
There's no more trying

Real Brutality

You can't deny me my thoughts
Neither my feelings
You were the one who taught
Me this way of dealing

And complaining about the brutality
That originally came from you
This is now my reality
This is what you draw me into

And those nights you made me think
What was wrong with me
My own pain you made me drink
And live it through when I wanted to flee

I will never blame
Just try to forget
And greive ain't the same
I'll pay my debt

A price of running blood
And wide open skin
Trying to get out
What's crawling within

A darkness inside
That caused this for you
Can't get it out, I promise I've tried
Can't live with myself without cutting through

You're not supposed to read this

Your silence is screaming in my ear
'Cause even if you're not saying a word
Maybe you need me to hear
And it's driving me insane that it's so absurd

I can't stand to feel hated
Though you never said I were
I don't know why I feel so lowly rated
I can't understand why anyone would prefer
To stand by me
And hear my cries
Instead of flying free
And hear no lies
Or love someone who ain't this depressed
And will drag you down
That can give you more when they give you their best
That would never let you drown

And you'd probably make it without me
But I don't think I can stand without you
I'm holding you back, when you could be free
But no one can love you like I do

Live now

And what was before can never be again
We stay behind our isolation
Since we don't want to remember, feel no pain
We try to avoide any close relation
And the right words can be enough
To break the wall we stand behind
And we play our games rough
The raw truth is what we keep in our mind

Memories can break you down
And all those feelings inside
And tears you have to allow
You just have to remember what's around
Those who care and will always stand beside
You have to live now

The One I Love

And your pain can hurt me
'Cause I don't want you to feel small
I wanna be there and catch you
I don't want you to feel pain at all

And if I could take your pain instead
Dry your tears
I don't ever want you to feel lonely
I'd live with pain for a thousand years

I always want to be there
So you know that someone cares if you're depressed
I might not be good at this
But I'm giving you my best

And oh god I love you
More than I can ever show
I'm just so damn scared
You'd realize what I am, you know

And you would see that I am nothing to love
That I'm no one to care for
And you'd wonder why you wasted your time
And then I'll be alone all damn sore

But till the day you'll see who I am
The freak, the clown
I'll try to be there the best I can
And I will try to not let you down

I can't stay here forever

This must be the things tearing my apart the most
All these emotions
I'm turning morose
It's just one of my motions

To tell you that I can't take this way to live
This ain't the way I'll make it
It's so damn confusing, so hard to forgive
And while feeling like this I first started slit

I can't be like this
It's breaking me
It's far away from my bliss
And I just want to flee

and you

i'm shaking
i'm crying
i'm breaking
i'm dying

the tears are itching
the black tears
drying on my cheek
this is my fears

and you won't hesitate
to take me down
you won't be indulgent
you'll let me drown

and you didn't want me to go
you won't let me, right?
i don't think you know
then you'd feel contrite

yeh

When someone is watching you can make it
But alone, the world seems so much bigger
And those promises meant nothing to you
That made me push the trigger
And our lifes is passing by
While we're standing still
One day I'll stand alone here
You'll leave me, one day you will
And my sorrow will burst out
In the most creative ways
I'll be screaming loud
Just by remembering those days

Now you can be there
And hold me tight
But when I'll break
You won't be here and help me fight

just some inner thoughts

It's all in my head
I panic of fear
I balance on a thread
Everyday the breakdown is near

But I tend to keep it
This mask, this act
And it's my fault I admit
Inside I'm cracked

Outside, I'm smiling
Inside, I'm dying
I'm a lost broken thing
I'm a pro in lying

How can you say
That everything's wrong
In this world it ain't okay
I've kept my smile up for long

And sitting in my room
Black tears running from my closed eyes
Im locked up in my tomb
I live my life up in my skies

Would you understand
Could you listen at my cry
Would you lead me through this land
Do you even care enough to try

Breaking me

I tried to hurt myself,
I tried to take this pain away.
But only ended up with a addiction,
because of the things I play.

A sharp little blade,
a well-known sting.
A chanse for me to pay,
my own song to sing.
A bottle with the poisen fumes,
a breath.
Lying on the floor while flying,
and this could be my death.
Two fingers in my throat,
to make me perfect.
Choking me,
with a different object.
And the worst self-destructive thing.
A person I cared for.
That could make me break so easily.
While they would just ignore.

Dying Under The Surface

Behind that thick, black eyeliner
She's hiding
Behind these walls
She's not abiding

Under this certain surface
She's trying
Beneath these empty promises
She's dying

And you're the one
Who's killing her
What was back then can not be undone
And it would change who we were

All this inside
She's trying to deny
Trying to hide but end up open wide
And she's falling from up high

Down this deep well
Of emotions, she's lying
Down of the memories of your actions she dwell upon
And trying to be the one denying

And I'm left here
In my prison
I slowly disappear
The devil has risen

Take me away from here

I've been here for less then an hour
But I still just want to die
This is hell for me
All these years I tried to deny

And all I want to is to get back
Where I belong
And this ain't the place
I don't get along

I've got tears in my eyes
Just want to walk out of that door
But this is now my prison
Can't take this no more

I couldn't hurt you
So I wear my smiles fake
I really love you but
I can feel how I'm about to break

Love's darker side

It's heavy

Heavier than stone

Knowing that you're suffering

Something you never shown

And inside we're breaking

We're trying to seem okay

You're killing me and I'm hurting you

And that just makes us betray

And we cannot do this

If you want us to be

Together and stop suffer

'Cause we'll end up flee

I blame you for not understanding

Why I do these things

But when did I try to see from your point of view

Just want to see you fly with your wings

Your smile makes my day

It makes me miserable knowing you're not okay

But knowing you're lying to me 'cause you think I cannot see

That's fucking letting my blood go free

To One Of My Friends

And i'm greiving you
For your loss of your soul
All in your head you're going through
And you try to stay in control

You can't see it in the way you move
Or by listening to your voice
Just by recognize and feel what you've
Gone through, is the way you can see your false rejoice

You've written so many things for me
And now it's my turn
To show you what I think and how I see
I can see your mind and your concern

And looking from another perspective
Whom does it blames
You've got to look at it reflective
To see your soul in flames

A friend who always was there for me
But I pushed her away
And that's equal to that we'll never be
'Cause our relation's decay

I was too scared
To let someone in
And I lost the only one who cared
Because my shell was too thin

And I don't know who'll look after her
Like she looked after me
Since we lost the way we were
I wish we could go back to the way we used to be

And You Steal My Blood

And you make me cry
I hate myself for being this weak and soar
I try to stay up in my mind, be high
So I won't have to think about you two anymore

And none of you said anything
I'm just so unsure
You're clipping my wing
But I try to stay hidden in the obscure

And I close my burning eyes
So I won't have to see
This happened once before, just a reprise
And it's breaking me

But everytime he stand in front of me
I can't stop smiling
I'm so damn in love, is she?
Knowing that she likes him sting

And I have no fucking right to be jealous, right?
That's just so fucking lame
Should I be able to trust despite,
what happened before, is this the same?

And even if I'm wrong
I can't get rid of the feeling
Try to pretend it doesn't matter, try to get along
And my blood it is stealing

you're not supposed to read this

You're killing me
And I don't have the energy to fight
Close my eyes so I won't have to see
And I'm crying in the night

I'm not good in hiding
Or you must be blind
Doing what I can, I'm abiding
Wish I could erase my mind

And now I'm lying in my room
With your words echoing inside my head
My body you consume
And now I'm dying my body red

'Cause you can't see my reaction
And I can't make you
But if you could, would that be your satisfaction?
If you saw what I went through?

Inside we're Breaking

We're all so damn full of pride
Can't show yourself weak
Stone on the outside
Don't care about critique

Crying inside
Laughing when you're in sight
You're rarely open wide
You're not alright

And you never take a minute
Just to feel
Deep down in your root
You'd feel that this pain is real

To Hide

And I hide inside my mind
I'm safer, it's not as hard to get hurt
Cruel is what you say about mankind
And it won't convert

Better off alone
Where no one can reach me
No one saw me when I shone
Now I'm nothing to see

I'm an odd flower
Withered and dead
Without any power
With my body coloured red

Red is the colour of love
Then blood must be the broken hearts scent
And thereof
That's what I represent

And your words can cut my wrists
You can cut me through
Your looks are like a thousand fists
But I still love you

And when you give away your heart
When you let someone in
You give them the ability to tear you apart
Trust them not to, but you will never win

So just hide behind those walls
That I built up for years
They will watch it when it falls
And then the vulnerable me appears

And I give you a paper full of drawed hearts
Took me an hour to draw
But only a second for you to throw it in the trashes

dying

And I'm sitting there
With mascara tears down to my chin
No one see me in my dispair
It's like I'm invisible, about to lose it

Maybe no one wants to see
Not even my best friends said anything
And the tears are taking over me
The blade sting

And I flee to the bathroom
My hands are shaking, my hands are pounding
And I smell my blood perfume
As I carve in my arm my blood's abounding

My head is turning dizzy
For of the strong scent
My head's busy
But now it's heavy as cement

A bottle with an orange warning text
"Don't breathe in the fumes"
And what is about to happen next
I'll be lying on the floor in one of the bathrooms

Addiction has made us die
Brought strong people into death
I never understood why
Someone would kill their breath

Now I know
How you can hurt yourself
We can't live through this show
And I just can't live with myself

So I will die of vomiting
Or maybe cutting or the poisons
I'm splitting my skin with my sharp little thing
And destroying my body with tons

alone

and I knew it all along
they never tried to hide it
according to them im damn wrong
and the crowd permit

but this is just when
I start slitting
my mind spin
in this world Im not fitting

and the little red marks
they itch all the time
and they tell the world what I think of all the remarks
dont want to know what I'm

just leave me alone
I would say
but the truth is that I cant take it on my own
I know that I wouldnt stay

Misunderstood

Misunderstood
Misled
All the things I should
I'm living dead

Mistaken
For a rose
A playground foresaken
I took the heavy doze

Misunderstood
Misled
Die, I wish I could
You coloured me red

screw this

It hurts me so much
And I'm too tired to see
I close my eyes
And I hope you'll set me free

Instead of have me hanging
When you don't really care
I begged you to end it instead of hurting me
But I guess you didn't dare

But now be honest
Let's come clean
You never loved me
I'm obscene

I know you never loved me
What is there in me to love?
I only find myself annoying
And someone you'll get sick of

I'm not the one I seem to be
I'm whiny and depressive
I'm just a mistake
I'd turn you aggressive

I don't know what my purpose is
Could it be to spread sorrow and doubt?
No one will ever love me for the one I am
I just want to shout

a self-destructive path

I became self-destructive
Losing myself in the sin
And the only way I'm productive
Is when I split up my skin

And the reasons are killing me
I panic inside
The first time I did it to feel free
But now I'm stuck and I've died

I am looking in the mirror
And I see all the things I hate
And my mind is becoming clearer
When did I gain so much weight?

And doing these things, destroying my body
Crying myself to sleep
All this blood I disembody
When I cut down too deep

She's falling

And so she's sitting in her bed
With her chin on her knees
Closing her eyes, going through her head
Trying to deny this damn disease

Her whole body full of straight little lines
Which she's doing everything to hide
And the reasons are loads of different kinds
It's just her thoughts shape on the outside

Happy is the first impression
She's become a pro to lie
She can't get rid of this obsession
Can't remember how it started, she can't remember why

She can't be her own protection
She can't beat herself alone
It's like a brain-infection
She can't survive it on her own

Her body is shivering and her mind's full of dread
She can't stop feeling so damn small
All the times her body coloured red
All those thoughts lead to her fall.

Lust

She is drinking your blood right from your skin
Look at those eyes, dangerous but oh so fine
She's dragging you into her sin
And you get to taste the divine

As your kissing her bloody lips
You feel your soul turning darker, your eyes turning black
And you're experiencing mental trips
You are losing yourself, there's no turning back

And she was there to seduce you
To help you drown in your own mind
And now you're moving closer that you never were true
She stole your life and you were blind

This is why they call her unreliable
She'll dig your grave
But she's undeniable
Still she's all that you crave

Dying

I opened your eyes
I never told you no lies
I gave you my heart
But you just torned it apart

I bled my part
I spoke my words
I did impart
I flew with the birds

And I crushed in my head
Exploaded and I bled
I turned against myself to flee
But I found it killing me

don't break

You helped me to stay
You gave me a reason
Promised you'd never betray
You made me live another season

And you made me alright
You made me whole
You gave me something bright
And saved my damaged soul

And then one day you weren't the same
You weren't okay
I couldn't see that burning flame
And I tried, but couldn't save your day

You gave me your love
You borrowed me your wings
But when you needed me to take you above
I didn't pull the right strings

I don't know how to help you
If you don't let me in
And it kills me to see you go through
When you're breaking within

.~.~.~.~.

I'm holding my breath
I'm closing my eyes
This is love's death
No one can hear my cries

I'm lying in my bed
The world is silent
Can't get this out of my head
These thoughts turning violent

Walking alone
With my arms burning red
Tears has flown
I have bled

Nothing I treasure is fun anymore
I don't eat, don't sleep
It will never be as before
I'm drowning in myself, the shallow's deep

Condemnd

I know I'm the disappointment of this year
And I'm not good enough
I'm not as innocent as my tear
And I'm not at all tough

With my whole body red
For experimentation and curiosity
And no matter how much I bled
I couldn't show my generosity

For you where the one I would care about
I were supposed to hold you when you were blue
But both of us had to make it without
The warmth from someone we knew

How do I even know you'd care for my death
I'm heading wrong
And you're the one who's stealing my breath
How the hell am I supposed to get along

'Cause without my sweetest friend
The sharpest little blade
The one that could be my end
But it's also the one gettng me through alive this damn parade

I'm the disappointment of all the years
For you, for them
I can't stand for you to see my tears
I'm the one you condemn

this is what a life can turn up to

It's all inside my head
I'm so damn wrecked
I balance on a thread
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Can't stand my head imagining
All those people staring at me
Laughing, whispering
I'm not good enough, anybody can see

I don't have the energy to feel inadequated
Like I'm so much lower then anybody else around
All I want is my mind to be sedated
I'll make my own sound

When someone past by
All I can see is that they are so much better then me
And no matter how hard I try
I end up thinking what I can't be

And when I look in the mirror
I see all the things I hate
And the edge, I'm moving nearer
I care too much about my weight

And then I'm standing there
Look in the mirror, my hands shaking
Everything's wrong, my clothes, my hair
And I'm breaking

Rummage my bag for something
Something to make it go away
I feel that tiny sting
Next second my mind sway

I'm losing consciousness
And it feels damn good
The power the blade possess
Understand, no one could

And it's running down
Slowly making it's way
I feel high, in my mind I drown
And I betray

I betray the ones who trusted in me
The ones who care
'Cause they see so much more then I see
And I hurt them in my dispair

stupied words

Why don't you just rip my heart out?
And save me all of my sufferings.
I'd rather live without,
All those damn things.

Why can't you just end it,
to prevent breaking my heart?
You don't really like me anyway, you must admit,
I don't want to waste my blood on someone who don't want to impart.

And now I'm crying blood, the same old way,
for something that doesn't even matter for you.
And it's pathetic that I just can't say,
all these things on my mind too.

And these things on my wrist,
some of them are caused by you.
I'm lost in the mist,
and I've got no one to turn to.

A disease

Looking down in the toilet
My reflection looking back at me
A tear running down my cheek
This is what I don't want to be
Looking in the mirror
While brushing my teeth
To wash away the proof
This is what I am underneath

Lying in my bed
Feel those thoughts coming back
Just so damn disgusted by myself
My mind is stained black
'Cause I'll never be pretty enough
Funny or so smart
If I'm thin I'm good at something
More thoughts ain't something I'll impart

I'll never be good enough
Not for you, not for anyone
I'm not pretty, I'm not tough
And all these things I've done
Somethings that's been hurting me
And they've made some scars
Some in my soul and some that you can see
And when it's time I wanna die under the stars

Untitled

I'm falling apart
My head's spinning around
My heart's bursting
I'm lying on the ground
I'm all damn alone
I'm dying inside
I can't stand to feel
And no one's on my side

All the things I did
to forget the pain inside
Hurting myself just
to get on with time

~*~*~
I can't stand to live like this
I don't want to breathe no more
Thinking of everything I regret
All the things that made me soar
~*~*~

I'm smiling
Trying to seem okay
Inside I'm crying
Can't stand another day
You don't want to know
What's behind this shell
All the things I've done
To get through another living hell

Lying to the truth itself
Just to keep on living
Laughing on the outside
Drowning on the inside

~*~*~
I can't stand to live like this
I don't want to breathe no more
Thinking of everything I regret
All the things that made me soar
~*~*~

What happened back then

Do you even know
Those bad memories I've had
It's nothing I'd show
It makes me feel bad

Maybe it was my fault anyway
I did chat for fun
It's what they'd always say
I wish it was just never done

The fear within
Comes up sometimes
I can feel it begin
It's not one of the worst crimes

He didn't rape me
Maybe just my mind
I never told anyone, maybe they'd disagree
I don't want anyone to remind

I don't want to think of it
'Cause sometimes I forget
I'd just rather don't admit
Anything about that threat

Something damn

I used to be a part of it
But you cut me out with a knife
With the silence you submit
I used to be an important part of your life

I want to be there to help you
I want to know what's wrong
I want to guide you through
And help you stand strong

But you won't even let me know
What the hell is going on
It makes me numb also
To know I can't help you to not withdrawn

Another selfish poem

I'm not okay
I don't feel fine
And to keep those tears away
I isolate the heart of mine

I want to sleep forever
And when I wake up just feel good
And I wouldn't care whatever
I wouldn't depend 'cause no one else would

I wish to do something right
For once in my life
I want someone to be proud at me and look at me with delight
And for once not wanting to take the knife

All these egoistic poems I write
Just someting from my heart
About my fright
That will someday tear me apart

I'm so damn lame

What I've developed into
What made me for who I am
All the things I went through
Why I've been condemn

This image of me is so unsure
It's so damn frail
Inside my mind is obscure
My self-conscience is just a false detail

This strong me talking
Who's controlling every movement
It's fake the way I'm walking
And there ain't much improvement

I'm damn weak
And it's so fucking lame
Can't handle critique
And I've got no one else than myself to blame

I'm afraid to burst
And rarely let anyone in
Everything's reversed
But I'll continue fight my fear within

Can't stand alone

I love you but I know
That you deserve the best
Not someone from below
Someone who ain't this depressed

But I still don't want to let you go
And it's so egostic of me to occur
You deserve someone who'd know
That you'd choose to be with her

But I am so damn scared you'd prefere to be
With some other girl
Since there is so much wrong with me
And my whole mind twirl

Sorry to push this on you
Since you did nothing wrong
And if you want me please just help me to
Stand strong

To dad

I am sorry for everything I'm not
All I want is to make you proud
But this is all I've got
To stand out in the crowd

Daddy, I know
That you love me
And I want to show
How good I can be

But I can't stand there
Keep in my anger or sadness
It's too damn hard to bear
Only giving me madness

I know you underestimate me
Alot of people do
But what they expect me to be
Is something I'll never turn into

You say that you don't think of me that way
But I can see it in your eyes
That I'm a teenager and haven't got so much to say
That I'm not deep and only think of guys

But the world is full of so much more
And I'm not that dumb
I'll always be me, but maybe not the one I was before
At least I know what I won't become

Just someone

I'm just among them all
I'm someone in the crowd
It doesn't matter if I fall
And to stand out is not allowed

I'm a minor part of life
I'm easy to replace
Let me play with my knife
And my dark memories erase

When I'll be gone
You'll find someone to take my place
I'm not as beautiful as a swan
Can't you see my disgrace

The world would never shed a tear
If you can't stand to feel
It's not important to repair
A life ain't no big deal

Don't give a damn
Don't even pretend to
I am the one I am
I'll try to get through

Shadow

Hold me tighter
Please don't let me go
With you my day seem brighter
I forget all the dark things I know

I'm about to fall away
Fade into someone in the crowd
Show me that I'm special today
Tell me that I make you proud

I need to know that I'm real
That I'm supposed to breathe this air
'Cause what I need to feel
Is that someone would care

Without me here on earth
Would anyone notice if I'd disappear
Am I anything worth
Do you want me here

To Shelter Away

And so it begun again
The goddamn isolation
I tried to strain
Drowning in my own frustration

I can't stop this act
Even though I try
I can't push away the fact
And I can't deny

I don't want to lose you
I don't want to shelter away
And it kills me that I can nothing do
Please make me stay

So weak I can't fight back
I'm losing to someone inide of me
I'm on the wrong track
I'm not the one I used to be

Sorrow Inside

All those tears inside me
That won't show
Some things that nobody can see
That's why they impossible could know

If I'm smiling that doesn't mean I'm okay
But that's what you assumed
The sharp blade that blow my mind away
My wrists are consumed

I feel like crying, but my eyes stay dry
I just need something flow
There's so much sorrow inside of me that I can't deny
And therefore my blood running slow

My blood is my tears
My scars are memories from my past
There is so much more than it appears
And the memories will last

Not an angel

I'm not an angel, no matter what you say,
'cause angels ain't that pathetic.
I'm selfish and wants to leave this place someday,
I'm only synthetic.

Maybe I look like someone from above,
but then you've got the sun in your eyes.
Would I still have your love,
if you knew I'm just someone in disguise.

The real me is not good at all,
she's just someone hiding.
She's a coward and feel so small,
whom is not abiding.

Will you take me by the hand in front of everyone,
and show them who I am?
Will you help me to not run,
say you love me in front of them?

Breaking inside

I've made some mistakes,
in this life of mine.
And the price that aches,
is that I don't feel fine.

It's easy to say,
and so easy to fake.
That I'm okay,
while I'm so close to break.

So close to fall apart,
and just bleed in the grass.
'Cause the dying heart,
will fight to the last.

The last breath,
that will take away all my sufferings.
That will be my death,
when someone will rip out my wings.

dammit

I thought it would be easy,
not hard at all.
To have someone close to you,
that could catch you when you fall.
I thought it would be light for every single moment,
and that we would both know.
But there is so much unspoken standing in the way,
and I'm much more lonely then I've ever been also.
I pushed some friends away,
and chose to trust in him instead.
But now I'm all alone,
even though I'm surrounded by alot of people I'm mislead.

And when you used to be you,
and no one else.
I never felt like this,
but now you're someone new.

You would see through,
my fake smile and just listen.
But now you're not the one you used to be,
and whoever you are now, you're defenetly not you.

Just some stupied words

I feel foolish,
And every second without you is like a hundred years.
When I'm with you,
The time goes by too fast.
When you hold my hand,
Or when you kiss me.
When you hold me,
Or when you say you love me,
I wish that feeling could stay forever.
Because you make me feel good.

Something I've gotta say, but please don't listen at me

You used to be the one,
I'd say everything to.
But this time I chose to run,
instead of telling you.

I'm sorry that I did such a damn thing,
but it's too late to turn back now.
These memories sting,
when I remember how.

How you used to understand,
but now I don't know you anymore.
You used to take my hand,
but I chose to shut my door.

You've changed into something alike me.
but I'd rather see my best friend.
I don't want you to be,
a part of that stupied trend.

Don't follow me

It's so damn hard,
and you're not the one you used to be.
though I've also changed,
I don't want you to turn into me.

I pushed you away,
so you wouldn't follow my mistakes.
I tried to make it alone,
but just got heartaches.

You have no idea,
'cause I didn't show you.
The consequences of the way I feel,
has changed shape too.

From innocent tears running from my eyes,
to little marks that'll never go away.
They would break my mothers heart,
if she'd see them someday.

And you would all be disappointed,
to know it all.
It's so damn easy to talk,
when you haven't got own memories to recall.

You wouldn't know what I'm going through,
you wouldn't understand.
'Cause the only way to do it to feel it yourself,
and I don't want this to expand.

Help me, I'm drowning

It hurts everytime I hear the disappointment in your voice,
Your silence makes me deaf, makes my head blow.
I'll have to make this choise,
I love you and for you I'd like to let it go.

So then you won't be sad for me,
'cause I am no one to cry for.
For you I could change who I chose to be,
but please understand that I'm soar.

Maybe it'll be hard to quit,
maybe I'll need someone to understand.
For you I'll try to do it,
but will you stand beside and hold my hand?

So fucking afraid and so damn messed up

It all feels like you don't care anymore,
that I was just a test.
That you don't love me like you did before,
that you're unimpressed.

You used to think of me like someone else I guess,
and got disappointed when you learned to know me.
You didn't know I was this mess,
maybe I'm not the one you thought I'd be.

It feels like I've lost a lot more then I've won,
I never should have given my heart away.
It's harder to carry on,
Since I'm so afraid you'd betray.

Maybe there ain't no sense in this,
maybe I'm just too afraid.
I don't understand why'd you miss
me if I'd die of the blade.

To stay

It's just a way to get through,
It's just a way to stay alive.
It's a way to feel true,
It's a way to survive.

Scars is a way to say,
that it's something I'm going through.
It's a way to pay,
'cause I'm so damn untrue.

Yeah, I hate myself, so what?
It's not like I'm someone to care for.
I've got reasons to cut,
I can't take it no more.

Please don't come near.
just walk away.
'Cause if you need me here,
I'd have a reason to stay.

Where I lies

You were the one I trusted in,
you were the one to care.
You were like a secret twin,
you swore you'd always be there.

But after that day I changed,
it felt like you stopped caring.
You're so damn estranged,
I feel the pain that I'm baring.

Since you used to be there,
and life some of it.
You've left me in my despair,
and I'll continue to slit.

I thought I would be alright,
so many people surrounding me.
They tell me they love me, but I'm full of fright,
they are too blind to see

All the time they've known,
they say that they are with me.
But I feel damn alone,
more then ever I agree.

I bury myself inside,
no one can reach me where I lies.
It's not like no one tried,
I guess I just don't want anyone to see me without my disguise.

A little razor

One little blade,
so innocent and small
Little scars it has made,
could make you fall

But not to be underestimated,
ruling over life and blood
So many scars has been created,
so many minds has flood

To take the pain away
With a different feeling
It feels like a fair price to pay
Breaths it's stealing

I'm sorry but I have to say

yeah, you're damn good,
but you couldn't see.
Everybody misunderstood,
what was wrong with me.

You could always see through me,
but I guess it went on for too long.
I'm surprised you really can't see,
that something's damn wrong.

This place I'm supposed to call home,
is swallowing me alive.
Maybe it looks like a dome,
but it's damn hard to survive.

The reason for why I don't want to live,
lies in this truth.
I'm sorry, I know you're trying to give,
me the best part of my youth.

I'm sorry for hurting you,
that's why you'll never read this song.
I'll continue to go through,
I'll pretend to get along.

Just a damn truth

My hands are shaking,
my head is aching.
This is what you're making,
and it ain't something I'm faking.

How am I supposed to act,
and how would you react?
Inside I'm cracked,
this is just a fact.

Will you keep me safe and warm,
will you hold me through the storm.
I say this to inform,
that I'm afraid your feelings for me would reform.

If you knew the truth about me,
the way I chose to see.
The way I djudge the world and it's fee,
the way I plea.

I don't want to live but i'm too afraid to die,
I hate myself for giving up and that I cry.
I complain and still I deny,
all the reasons why.

you're not free

If someone who cared for you
Saw the scars on your wrist
And they were really disappointed for true
They would know all that they've missed
They thought they knew you so well
But you never said the worst things
They thought that you would tell
But you ripped off your wings
So you can't fly
You're not the one you used to be
You can't reach the sky
And still, you ain't free

Blame myself

I just can't take it anymore
To smile and go on
To wear this mask I always wore
I want it gone

It's itching as hell
And I don't want to wear it
Those feelings I can't tell
They are forebidden to admit

But still I am scared
'Cause no one needs to know
Why I've never dared
To let it go

I say that I can't take it no more
But still I do it everyday
I blame you for why you ignore
When it's my fault, I chose this way

I don't have the rights to blame
I do this by my own will
I'm so fucking lame
I make myself ill

Just Some Silly Dreams >.<

Will you ever look at me and smile,
saying you love me?
Will you ever hold my hand while,
others can see?
Will it ever be okay,
to be with you?
I want to be with you everyday,
'cause you're the one I'm into.

My Confessions

One day I wish I'll just see
That all this was a fantasy
None of those feelings was ever real
And those scars ain't such a big deal

My arms are infected with dealt
From all the pain that I've felt
They remember me about the things I've gone through
Of the decisions I cannot redo

And all the blood that I spilled
Those stings that got me thrilled
That lifted me up from my depressions
These are my confessions

Bleeding

Why am I bleeding?
Why am I doing this now again?
What am I succeeding?
Why do I want this pain?

Why did I make those scars?
Is this what I've wished?
My mind goes up to the stars.
Why should I be punished?

To take the pain away
To focus on something real
To go my own way
To damp what I feel

Hurt Myself

Why would I slit my wrists
If there was nothing wrong
If no problem exists
Why would I stand the pain and get along

Why would I starve myself
If I had no problem that day
Would anyone do that to themselves?
You think I seem okay?

Why would I cry
If I had no reason
The truth I can't deny
And my eyes commit treason

When the face is trying
To hide the truth and smile
Inside I'm dying
That's why I'm hostile

Smile

With no more troubles than teenage tears
And happy just to be
Maybe there's something more than it appears
A silent scream for nobody to see
Maybe you'll just see if you look hard enough
But no one's able to care
They've got their own life's rough
I guess some things are pretty fair
Underneath those lies
Those tears has travelled a lot of miles
Everybody wear their disguise
And that's just all those smiles

Everybody cry
Once in awhile
But everybody try
To just smile

Burn In Hell

You'll burn in hell

Even if I'll have to burn with you

You'll be locked in your prison cell

You'll get your punishment too

Why should you get away

While other is suffering from your destruction

It ain't fair play

Why should their lives suffer of reduction

You'll burn in hell

I'll get you there

One day I'll say farewell

And I'll smile, I swear

Not okay

Trapped in myself and how people see me,
so afraid of meeting reality.
Scared of what people would say,
if they knew that I'm not okay.
How I hurt myself and what I do,
that my smile is so untrue.
They way I see the world and all it's glance,
I haven't got your chanse.

*-*-*-*-*

But if I wouldn't smile,
Then how would the world look at me
I tried that idea for awhile,
And they just didn't want to see

I lost a lot of friends
Who couldn't stand the storm
When a lot of things ends
Like the smiles that would reform

Into a different shape
That is so insecure
They show that they'd just wanna escape
'Cause they don't want to endure

So then I lost them
Who couldn't see the truth
Who couldn't stand who I am
The marks' youth

Are you sure I would be okay
Would I be left out in the rain
Would you be one of those who'd stay
I don't think I could take it once again

Wouldn't they just past by
And try to ignore
Would they accept me if I'd cry
Or would they shut their door

Hated

What if you lived with someone who hated you,
Could you imagine how hard it would be?
Just another day to go through,
that you can't flee.

Just another day to live,
with the knowledge that you're being pushed down.
If they asked, would you forgive,
even though you almost drown.

In excuses that are so poor,
for why your things are gone.
I am damn unsure,
if I'd wanted to withdrawn.

If there was a stranger,
who ruled your home.
You'd rather face danger,
you'd rather roam.

Scars from Love

When I think of you I go insane
There's so many things that make me afraid
And I really don't want any more pain
My condition is what love has made

My mind is full of ideals
Let's just say my soul is scarred
Have you got any idea how all this feels?
That it's all so fucking hard

I can't be perfect
'Cause that's not how I am
I'm not an object
And I'm not like them

Stuck

I stay in the shadow to not get hurt by the sun
I close my eyes to not see the truth so cold and black
What was before has already been done
And there's no turing back

My life is melting, being crushed by tears
My head is aching, my soul is burning
It's been this way for years
But I'm still learning

The hard way of knowing that you're hated
Even though it must be me
This is what I created?
It's my life, impossible to flee

Thank you

So to be honest, I am teared,
'cause no one ever understood.
I guess that is why I've always feared,
'cause no one ever could.
Staying put aside,
watching people go by trying not to feel.
That is why I always hide,
because they never dared to deal.
I guess they were afraid to know it all,
that's why I never told them anything.
I guess I've never met anyone what I can recall,
who's been ready to listen and take me under their wing.

Not meant to be

Just to be aware that they don't know
Not even my closest friends know it all
That I feel different when I see the snow
That I'm hurt, that I feel so small

So I just took my chanse and told you a bit
But regret it afterwards
I just felt such a resemblance to you, I admit
That for once I wasn't walking away from the light, but towards

So what are you going to do about the information
Remember that you are the only one I've told
Are you about to tell everybody about my isolation
I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it safe, just for you to hold

I don't know why I did, I just got the opportunity to say
What I keep inside
What I feel everyday
What I abide

'I just wanna be pretty
Like the rest of them
Please don't pity
I know I am stupied, but this is how I am'

They've Got Us

Living in an abstract world among them all
With all the ideals of perfection
They'll make us crawl
They'll show us their damn direction

The way towards hell
But there's some financial extracitons
We are brainwashed so we can't tell
That there's something wrong with their actions

They've fooled us with comfort and benefit
So we won't know what's going on
When we'll notice it'll be too late to quit
And then they have won

An ordinary tear

Souls stained of blood and pain
So many minds has gone insane

Waking up coughing fear
Crying blood, an ordinary tear

We'll make it thuru

It's us against the herd
It's us against them all
To stand up and speak our word
To catch each others when we fall

It's us against the world
This life could end in just a second
And this world has always twirled
But this is what has been reckoned

With eyes they inform
That we're not welcome here
It's hard to stand the storm
But we'll make it there

Even though if rocks would hit us on our head
We'd make it thuru
We'll be each others shed
We are true

Stand the Storm

A way to make it turu,
our nightmare
To be aware that they never knew,
about the marks that I bear
The ones on my wrist,
and the ones in my soul
They didn't come from a fist,
but they've made a hole
All the looks and all the whisperings,
made me just wanna walk away
I wish that I could fly away, that I had wings,
But I'll stand the storm, I'll stay
Even with this suffering, with this pain
I'll strain, to not go insane

Deeper and deeper

A black stream of pain is running down my cheek,
taking the breath out of me
No one knows that I'm this weak, this feeling's unique,
the tear's a salut to thee

Winning back those moments I lost,
the times I stopped breathing
The grass frozen, a meadow of frost,
and the first touch of spring

Living on earth, and somtimes it's like living in hell,
fire's arounde me, the world's gone insane
The population's under a spell, I wish I could just say farewell,
but that wouldn't keep me away from the pain, this is my refrain

A smile doesn't mean that I'm happy, a tear doesn't make me sad,
I don't pray to god, 'cause I don't think I deserve it
All the pain that I've cost, it makes me too bad
all the times I felt sorry for myself, all the egoism that I emit

My Saver

You're my saver on the nights
Before I met you there was always someone chasing me
Always finding me wherever I go
But now I dream of you, you see

Almost every dream is about you
And the nightmares are now very few
Your smile is always in my head
And stay there when I go to bed

I used to be afraid to fall asleep
Frighten of falling down too deep
But now when you take the space
All the nightmares you erase

Just wishing my dreams were true
'Cause in them you like me too
Holding my hand and all the shadows fade
So I won't be afraid

If Dreams Were True

Can't get you off my mind,
you make me blind
More or less obsessed of your smile,
will stay inside my head for awhile

Though I'm not from the same world as you,
I wish my dreams were true
Ther you like me and there ain't this wall
and none of this matters at all

But dreams ain't true
I don't live my life with you
But someday I might
But that day is not tonight

They hurt me and I hurt myself

When they hurt me,
I push them away
And without them knowing it,
I hurt myself

To make it go away

Standing there in the bathroom
See tears in the mirror
See a nobody
Breathing heavy and fast
Hands shaking
Searching for somthing sharp
Finding a key
The key to calm me down
The key to make the blood flow
Down in the sink my sanity goes
It's like a drug

Eyes and Lies

Once upon a time, I felt this way
That I wanted to die, but now there's a new day
It was all 'cause of you, you and your eyes
When I think back I'm scared of myself, 'cause all you gave me was lies
Who would end their life 'cause of a teenagers mistake?
Especially one like you, you're damn fake
But it is true
I was about to say that I love you
And say good by
To everyone who would pass me by
When I was going to the cliff where the waves would hit hard on my face
When my life ended it's race

But I'm not that stupied
I got over you
And now, I like someone else
fuck off, you untrue

So scared

Sitting here cursing myself for being so scared
I missed all those things 'cause I never dared
When I sit in class with people I don't know
I don't speak, I'm scared but I try not to show
If someone would look at me
I would glare back with eyes saying: "leave me be"
When all I mean is be my friend and hold my hand
Say something, don't ignore, and please; try to understand


So that might be the truth
The undiscovered meaning
Just so you know
Why I'm always so

Tears

I did shut the door forever
On a november day, that was the longest day ever
But that was when I realized what I didn't dare
It was that you would never care

And losing it, I felt so empety in the rain
Tired I walked but still carrying the pain
And tears were running down, they never end
'Cause they were there, when I used to pretend

Now I've made a lifestore of tears
They will never end, I broke the gears
So this is just, a lovely pray
That I will never choose to stay