Footwear

My naivety always puts me
In new pairs of shoes
Just like the hundred pairs
I've fought myself out from
When will I give in
And walk with my guilt
Scattered in my smiling face
In the same kind of hard-tied shoes
I've been wearing the last long years

It's a surprise to me
That my feet yet ain't bleeding
And that I never seem to learn
It's not rightful to call it mistakes anymore
I guess it's more of an addiction

Break the Volume

And so a small dose of artificial serenity finds me
Little enough to fit into my pocket
A double-sided rush, firm but yet abstract
Concrete, still so diminutive that it's almost
as if one could breathe it
A small dose of calm, swallowing me
Such contrast compared to the usual storm in me
Rough enough to drown my own voice
When I talk to myself
Too overwhelming to let me sleep and dream in peace
But for now
I shall rest
The anguish voice in me has faded in this mist
(it's dismissed)
And I will break the volume with silence
And my ragged mind will not hurt
Not for a couple of dark hours
I won't tremble, I won't scream
Nor laugh or cry tonight
Indifference shall conquer me
And I'll let it, I'll let go of the reasons for now
I'll let me be
Let the time run on without me
Such an ease
To not sleep in my own violence
They can go ahead and torture me
Rape me in my dreams
These demons won't reach me now anyway
I'm using big words to fool them out of me
And I'm trying to forget their upcoming, fierce return
I will break the volume with silence
For when you dream while you're awake
They hide behind every possible corner
The huge, dangerous tiger
Ain't behind that corner
Not inside that room
But it's chasing me inside of me

Destruktivitet

Jag tog min skam i handen
Och tryckte våldsamt in den i min såriga mun
Den brände min tunga, min hals
Och jag grät
Samtidigt som jag fortsatte tvångsmata mig själv
Med mina egna misstag

Shame

Once more I broke down beside you
You stayed indifferent
I sometimes wonder what you think
When you're ignoring the content
These times I feel insufficient
But still you chose me whole
With scars and smiles
The one without control
Staked through by beams of light
As if exposing me
That would make me rot inside
I'm ashamed to be
So weak and twisted
Destructive and frail
What is there in me to love?
When I always tend to fail
So why would you choose me
The broken and insane
If you don't want the bad side
If you don't want to know my pain

I'm not Here

So when I woke up today

With an extra layer of skin

Dried onto my knees

Another day would begin

And I still walk the same road

I'd still go the same way

Eyes shut but still wide open

It's just like any other day

To stay right among you

When I'm really not here

And even if you hold me

You won't get near

Like life's meant to be so grey

So cold and hollow?

I want to break loose

I don't want to follow

And I'm intoxicated

I still walk the same way

You can still see me

But I've gone away

Demons of Mine

I want now to be past already
The minutes are so cold
Deaf screams inside of me
Are keeping me on hold
And a ripe sun is staring through me
Hiding a darker sky
That keeps on punishing me
For every time I don't try

We level up excuses
We act like we've been taught
And maybe truth is pushing me
Towards my demons I never fought
It's a sin to forget
And they're well at reminding
Intimidating hours
They're pro at rewinding

I want now to be long gone
I want to shine
Long moments before being pulled back
In this burning cage of mine

... . . ... . . . ... . . .

I seem to loose myself again
I cannot think clear
I readjusted easily
When I had smiles so near
But back into darkness
Pushed right up on a road
That I had walked before
Whereon I'd erode
Acclimating back
Ain't that fucking gentle
Punishing myself again
Unsentimental
How to reach back
Back to sanity
Leaving behind
This inhumanity
Torture of mind
And torturing me whole
I'll have to wake up
I need control

Moving on

You're the bittersweet emotion
Drowning me in regret
Pushing me down again
You won't let me forget
When I discreetly try to climb higher
Trying to move ahead
A look from you control me
Such a smile I cannot shed
And when hugs become a procedure
All warmth erased
Smalltalk won't make any difference
When one has been replaced
Difficult to move on
When nailed stuck in the past
As if the time weren't that long
Like if no years has passed
No time has passed for me

Breaking into two

How did it feel to
Be shut out from the game
Drenched down in guilt
You wear all their blame
Since long ago
You'd be hidden in a crowd
You barely say a word but
Your inside is screaming loud
Aching your head
Echoes vibrates through your frame
We're just blood and flesh
We're all just the same
So why aren't you?
Exploding
You'll be screaming, you too
Please find a shelter!

I'm imploding

Shut out

The frustration
In failing to reach someone
Who's sitting next to you
Who's breathing your presence

Still you know you cannot fix them
Cannot write scars undone
Neither read their mind
But his choice to shut you out
Is driving you mad

You're not the type who looks back
What do you want to tell me?
With your footsteps,
so determined
So disregarding me

Cracks

I'm all torn up by my ways
To conquer smiles everyday
Settle my insanity
Truly return to be okay
But how am I to work this
Out and inside
My worn out facade
Makes it
complicated to take the stride

Disrespected for long
And selfdestructive always
"You're not alone"
Tired of the fucking phrase
I've been good all the time
Put to rotten somewhere
How are you to tell me
That you know what it's like
That it's goddamn unfair?

How to look on time
Does it really matter to me?
If I remember yesterday
Broken in what degree?
What makes today different
Or is the question how?
Always or never
Whatever I feel like?
Whatever I allow

Separated

As like dancing on the thorns of the rose
Life's breaths unwinds us all
The beams of sunny anger finds us
Makes us feel so small
Thoughts nor feelings are kept safe
Alone, would you deal?
Regarding, dancing deep in one's eye
Can you tell me what they feel?

My mind is bursting out in panic
Paranoia and fear makes me blind
Buried deep inside my head
Your attempts to reach me were declined
Fingers longing for my thoughts
Nails seeking along my forehead
My dialogue kept with myself
I, who don't, but want to see me dead

Another smile is crawling on the thorns
Mist and sunbeams covering
The truth of a smile's despair
The one you're not discovering

Battle

Tension grows stronger by every breath
Like my body calls for saving
Comprehension is shrinking
Of the world that is craving

Insane my head calls loud
The inner battle with the foe
Retained inside of me
A view from long ago

Now it's time to stand tall and strong
Rescue is only available from me
Allow myself to let the weakness show
Instead of being a detainee

Growing, hurting, biting through every step
Illness conquers mind and soul
Flowing through my actions
It's time to grow myself whole

Childhood Claiming

With poison they'd capture my emotions
The part of me restraint
Keeps pounding, calling inside of me
Forgotten for long
Belongs in the past
Instead of taking orders
It's time to let go
Past belongs in past
I belong now

Heartbeats

I close my eyes to listen carefully
I can hear your heartbeats through your breast
The strength you're holding
You got me so impressed
To still stand tall in windy days
Dare to do the hardest
To face yourself and your weaknesses
All the things you've suppressed
I could regard you for hours
Feeling the warmth from your smile
And I precious every moment
Spent with you for awhile
But still I precious loneliness
To breathe and be on my own
I'm free from addiction
I've been taught to cherish to be alone
Alot of times I think of you
Like you're stuck in my head
Enjoying memories
Reflectioning on ideas and things you've said

Dare to Feel

When teared down again
Backlash mistaken for relapse
Tears streaming down when
You totally collapse
Tembling on the bathroom floor
No matter how hard you are trying
You act like did before
Cursing yourself for relying
The humanity is rushing through your seal
For it's human to meet fears
Embrace your ability to feel
Realize and hail your tears

Tribute

As it comes sneaking over me
It's breaths to choke my sore moving
And I lay restless on the floor
Unable to lift a limb
Blurred sight goes sharper
Every heavy breath I take
Is a tribute to the sunrises
When smiles awoke
To kill our panic
Just for awhile we could endure
With the knowledge of a saviour at dawn
My breaths are a salute to the world
That'd show me it's beauty sometimes
To happiness
That'll overwhelm me every single time
For I'd let it

Speaking of Fury

Craze me more than I've already been
Thy who could reach my point of view?
Amaze me, sky, scene your beauty
The final smile to us review

Thee speaks of famous poetry
As the wind speaks of poets' despair
Free am I as I've decided
Only courage and truth will I wear

Face every day with unswayed eyes
Dare to see the good and bad
Embrace improvements with your whole
Let trouble not drive you mad

Hon ler
Men vandaliserar ett rum i sitt huvud
All ilska och all ångest
Ilskan för ångesten
Och ångesten för ilskan
För trött trött trött
För att skrika
Kroppen lägger ner
Den orkar inte stå just nu
Lydia ligg ner
Ligg ner
Ligg ner för fan
Nej
jag kan inte
Jag måste vinna tillbaka mitt liv

Rain

Empty bowls
Your assignment to fill them
And when I poured blood and gravel in mine
Others found more creative ways and contents

Sometimes one wish themselves right
What would only make them more wrong
I've tried to improve
But ended up being me in the end again

And salt is raining down on me
Stinging my scars
For memories coming alive
To terrify me

Fool me back to old habits
Cheat me into new mistakes
When you cannot shut your ears nor eyes
You have to keep in control