Förintelsen

Jag ser bilderna av mina barndomsförebilder rasera
De underbara, ofelbara, räddarna av allt
Deras misstag smetar ut bläcket min värld är ritad i
Som tunga droppar sänker dem skeppet
Varje möte mellan papper och vätska, rätt och fel -
Explosioner som krossar mina fiktioner
Här, i det svarta havet förintas min fantasiverklighet
Drömmarnas roder splittras skoningslöst

Det är här ute, i floder av intet
Som man blir sin egen hjälte

Sorgekomplex

Jag antar att jag hade

komplex över min komplicerade sorg

för den var för påträngande, för tung,

den föddes ur ingenting

Jag gömde mig med den

så att ingen skulle känna den ruttna stanken

av komposterat hjärta, fuktskadad hy

så att ingen skulle rynka pannan

Rädd för att bli avvisad

att vara för tråkig att vara runt omkring

att vara för tung att bära, för stel, för stum

jag antar att jag skämdes

På nätterna när alla sov

vågade jag krypa fram, ut i världen

ömmande knän, bönande till natten

"snälla, jag vill inte lida mer"

Jag antar att jag var för ung

för att kunna hantera sältan på kinderna

och kanske var min omgivning oförmögen

att hantera trasiga själar

Jag antar att jag hade

komplex över min komplicerade sorg

kalkerad av minnen, inkräktaren i mig

född ur tortyren-

ingenting

Too many wasted years

I spent too many years with a man
Who could feed lies to my face
So I blamed myself for my jealousy-
For the doubts I couldn't erase

He fed his ego with the others
Those who kept me withered in anxiety
He made me believe I was the one;
I wish I hadn't been part in his variety

I spent too many years living his lies
He hid his infidelity behind my back
And watched how it burnt me-
He regarded my world turn black

All the games he played on me
Has truly got me mortified
I must've meant very little to him
Since he put the truth aside

I spent too many years with a man
Who only saw others when it was beneficial
Who had an ego that overcame all;
All his conquers were unofficial

All the eyes I must've met
Who knew just how I was cheated
All the eyes who knew who he was;
Egoistic and conceited

And don't you dare call it love
To hurt and mortify another
To betray over and over again
To cover it with smother

I spent too many years with a man
Who should have let me go long ago

Revbensburen

Jag krossade barriärerna vi byggt
För att klättra ur min revbensbur
Där jag spenderat oändliga timmar
Pressat kindben mot bröstben

Ömmande, bultande frihetsdrömmar
Hämmade av lättantändliga andetag;
Skulden när du smekte mina skråmor
Vi rev oss alltid på varandra

Reflektionerna på ögonlocksinsidan
Mörkret visar avskalade sanningar
Jag pressade möra ben mot varandra
Stängde alla vägar in till mig

Barriärras och bitter frihetssmak
Precis som jag föreställt mig det
Tiden kräver många fler timmar
För att bleka blåmärkta kindben

Jag ser en framtid i horisonten
Benhögen stirrar på min ryggtavla
När jag styr ömmande fotsulor bort
Mot bländande frihetsvaksamhet

Tyst Melodi

Mina ögon etsar sig fast i dig
Jag tappar kontrollen över mina blickar,
mina lemmar, mina leenden
Jag skjuter tanken långt bort
På konflikten mellan verklighet
Och detta maskhål i den

Jag faller mellan dina revben
Hög på fingertoppars melodi
Men när musiken stannar
Står jag ensam i stormen av mitt sinne
Med en fot i våran bubbla
Och en fot i en kall verklighet

När musiken stannar
Imploderar min bröstkorg igen
Mina dansande händer
Blir till darrande händer
Och luftgasen som jag andas in
Blir till brännande syre

en hemlig värld

Det finns en hemlig värld i din säng,
under ditt täcke blomstrar mystiken


En trappa ner
hälsar jag på verkligheten
Som en hammare mot min bröstkorg
En tsunamivåg som förstummar alla rörelser

Här nere
väntar den blå ångesten
Med knivar riktade mot mitt mellangärde
Gång på gång kliver jag naivt in i plågorna


Det finns en hemlig värld omkring dig,
där glömmer jag det mörka
där dina ögon kittlar min insida


Här nere
väntar självhatet
En pågående självdestruktion
Inifrån och ut, förtär den mig

Jag ber om tillträde
Stunderna då jag blottar mig själv
Och du välkomnar allt jag ger
Blir en tunn spricka i min verklighet;

En kontrast till min realitet

Våran Grav

dina kyssar hade alltid en bitter bismak
liksom hur mina läppar smakade salt
av fyra år i hålet som vi grävde
där jag väntade troget

du var alltid upptagen med trivialiteter
där du gick, omgiven av ditt eget buller
ibland såg du ned på mig, log,
förklarade din kärlek- gick

ibland kom du ner på en kort visit
berättade om hur otroligt glad du var,
för att jag var där med dig
för att vi var-

dina kyssar hade alltid en dödlig arom
du såg på mig genom en dammig hinna
kanske var det därför du inte märkte
att jag var där själv

jag fyllde min mun med jord varje dag
för att dämpa den bittra smaken när jag
såg upp- ut- såg ljuset
där du vandrade

                               utan mig

Heartbeats

Heartbeats - your heart is beating me
I wasn't supposed to give in
My inside cracks open with every breath
I stand here, revealing my skin

I'm terrified - I've seen this scene
Each time I painfully choked
And for every shared touch
More angst always awoke

Dizziness - I tremble before you
And only indifference is reflected
Help I need help I need air
Was this really unexpected?

Heartbeats - I'm completely infected

Sunburned

The sun decends to haunt me

Not leaving a single shadow

No escape from the burns

Of thruth, that it deals me

My eyelids glows red

When I try to evade it

But my inside already ignited

And reality flickers in my mind

Anxious Essence

You could summarize my life
With words like terror and fear
I was always so anxious
And I seem to be a light-year
away from being free

Every day I face the torture
Going on under my skin
Like cloaked demons invading
Shaking all that's within
me, what you cannot see

It seems to be a part of my essence
Like I'm bent to worry
I've always been patient
But in the end, I want to bury
the life-style of dread

Hope seems to be slipping
Will I always carry this pain?
That I've tried so hard to loose
Will every future day contain
this inner torment?

Labyrinth of Desire

All of their wishes and desires
Vibrates throughout my limbs
Turns into screams in my breast
Deafening my own passion
It's a cursed compassion
That's having me distressed

'No' is the hardest phrase
That I could ever utter
My heart screams the word
That I'm not allowed to release
Instead my pulse would increase
And my desire stays unheard

For I never learnt the meaning
Of being my own individual
The angst is always greater
When I try to put myself first
There's still a sickening thirst
I just don't want to be the traitor

Annihilation angst

My ribcage is about to explode from the pressure
That never gets relieved
As I keep on tumbling towards distant goals
That yet are not achieved
I realize that all this time I was the one
Who had me deceived

Long ago, I decided to conquer my future
With any means required
I thought it would do with being aware
Of what I really desired
Yet the days move on too quickly
And that motivation expired

So my heart moans out of the inner torture
And my limbs won't obey
How did I lead myself here - in this vacuum
Why would I stray?
Everything important to me
I seem to push away

My ribcage has a bomb ticking within it
I try to lay low
Terrified that another wrong step
Would make it blow
Fireworks as I go under - look
It's making me glow

Retained Words

There's a whisper deep within me
That I enshrouded long ago
Back when the sky became a graveyard
For someone I used to know

I hid the words with aching care
Slowly, I swept them away
In a way they make history repeat itself
It's like I loose you every day

There's a whisper deep within me
That I'm trying to retain
Saving a compaction of everything
I'll say when we meet again

Waking dream

My mind flows in separate directions
Recoloring everything I know

I try to tame the beasts in my chest
I wish to breathe, I want to grow

Yet I find myself in the same old terror
Each tarnished step burns and aches

My mind splits and shatters before me
Each thought turns into quakes

I must've brought my nightmares with me
When waking up in this brittle reality

I must've stored the acid in my rib-cage
Filled it up with pure brutality

But these trembling limbs are my normality
And I think sanity might be a triviality

Slipping Acid Thoughts

Is that you bent over the edge
Between sparkling decadence,
Coalesced memories and dreams,
Deciding where to lay all sense
Patching yourself along with
Soft and bitter evanescence,
In a way - searching for reason
Secretly contemplating coincidence

Is that you glancing at your shadow
Lost in the limits of gravitation,
Diminished cause, damaged effect
Fragments lacking destination
History-phobic, addled comfort
Retrieving holes on imitation
Shielding from implication - are you
Watching your mind in disintegration

Luckor

En flicka som
spelar spel med sinnet
som bedrar minnet

Snälla, finn ett
fel i hennes ögon

se hur dagen blåser
bort - hon springer i skräck
I svindlande psykoser

och ansikten blinkar
i svällande brunnyanser och
talande turkoser

Snälla, finn ett
fel i mina minnen

Sökandet efter min essens
i fragment av en våldssekvens -
mina ögonlock försvann

Vi reser genom svarta hål
håll i dig, det blir turbulens
Jag hittar inte rätt frekvens

Bilder stulna från min hornhinna
- ingen här kan påminna

I nervtrådarna var något intvinat
väntades, redo för att sluka
allt jag tror jag såg

Men långa fingrar är aldrig ödmjuka
när de har makten att ta -
makten att missbruka

Contradictions

I regard a story on repeat
Once again, my world is quaked
What broke too long ago
Still lingers in me, not awaked -
This hunger never fades

As truths are shattered
I relish to experience to be real
Placid storm on rampage;
These emotions I cannot seal
The hunger pervades

I regard a story on repeat
This chaos has got me seized
I don't want to evaluate
This hunger needs to be eased
It could starve for decades

Reversed delight conquers
I cannot be pleased

Mitt bröstben kokar
Jag är trasig,
glömd,
gömd
För mycket
för att andas

Consolation

This state of mind I'm in has lead me
On a path quite different from the one I desired
I used to fight back against this evil within
But I assume I've thought it over, I've grown too tired

For there is no such evil I can win against
The way I see it, I cannot fight the air like that
Putting my energy on the wrong place
The past years, I'm the one I've been striking at

For my inner to one day be mended
I must drastically exchange my attitude
For something productive; instead of sowing bitterness
I should fill my heart with blooming gratitude

And I must learn to accept whatever
Life decides to teach me - this is my role
And when I think about it on sleep-deprived nights
I guess it seems that none of us will ever be whole

Aberration

A handful of bittersweet down my throat
A vaguely sweet flavour for a bitter cause
To proceed ahead - I'll force open my jaws
Reason conquers, emotions way too remote
For sense made the better draw

My heart disconcertingly lingers in the past
To face the day, I force my eyes open wide
I want to be caught, I want to be untied
Yet I resist - inside, all memories massed
Today and yesteryears, they collide

I guess I recieved the clouds I deserved
For I misread the substantial similarity
So I absorb this bitter kind of clarity
To keep the core of my courage preserved;
I will always try to pursue verity

Superficial Solitude

Well-known, hissy whispers
Physical touches like
Superficial shocks
Numbing the solitude,
The void
I live too momentarily
Forgetting for now
Recoiled back the next second
I search endlessly for
Whispers to sedate my hunger

Bloodletting

When I drop my intestines on your floor
Will you laugh- will you be disgusted?
Search my face with burning scepticism
Realize that I'm way too maladjusted?

If I say then that I've been waiting
That there wasn't room inside of me-
That something had to go eventually
Would you ask me to leave you be?


Gazing at my guts that make out patterns
Where our only limit is imagination
Would it hold sympathy and affection,
If I'd distinguish your soul's vibration

Right then, when my filth is exposed
Could my shame ever be relieved?
And would all your impressions of me
Mean nothing- everything you believed


Explaining how I've been knowing how
Everything in me would have me burst
And that I've walked with horrid ideas
As my mind anticipated the worst

If I would tell you everything like that
How my angst is like another dimension
That cannot fit within my aching body
Would I really have your attention?


If I would enter a state of muted shock
I assume you'd show me your dismay
Like I picture two worlds fiercely colliding
And I'm pretty sure you'd walk away

Merged Memories

Memories that are nailed to the walls
My mother used to mention them
That was why we had to leave, she said
She felt they were consuming her

Some years later I found myself there
Memories had merged with the concrete
Where I had been living for years
And I walked through painful memories

There must be an art of letting go
Since it's so much harder than it seems
I never felt nostalgia - but nausea
We could've pretended nothing happened

I left the concrete that wore the past
Ghouls play the drama all around me
Vivid images I never could forget
Seizing my concentration, my motivation

Perhaps the memories united with my skin
Maybe embarked my blood vessels
There should be an art of moving on
For if it was an art, I could master it

Prensence of Future

Tomorrow never has the time to wait
For someone who's stuck in yesterday
It's hard to move on forward when
Bones are smashed, when limbs won't obey

To struggle to stay one step behind
Yet never dare to loose motivation
You were passed down to your lane
It's your mission - your damnation

Tomorrow never has the time to linger
For those of my kind; who never keep in pace
When your past seems morbid, out of tune
It's hard to see life as just a temporary phase

To choose what is your destination
Also to head for that direction
It may not be what you expected
There's no such thing as perfection

Tomorrow never has the chance to choose
A goal, a mission, a purpose to start from
While you hold your own power
As you may decide what to become

The Butterfly Effect

Whatever bleached
my dreams - they are now like a
butterfly with a

set of pale wings
Mournfully taking each wing-beat
with ignominy

Creating chaos,
burning colour along with
vitality - yet

another wing-beat
To force destruction on
the rest. I dream just

like the butterfly
creating armageddon
With air, with grey, with-

out realization

Horror

The world around me keeps contracting
Tuning in with the colours of the night
I'm searching for something distracting
A delicate shred of hopeful light
As I squeeze my kneecaps tight

To stay in reality, this thing called sanity
To never give in to my disorder
While receiving this twist of inhumanity
And keeping my mind in order -
Always balancing on the border

Tripping on the edge of nightmares
Hell and heaven ghoulishly combined
Where I loose control, where it ensnares
Madness along with fears, entwined
Delusional or not - I'm too blind

As the angst crawls out of every pore
Manifested as insects creeping on my skin
I scratch my body burning red, I can't ignore
It absorbs me increasingly, just can't give in
Just another struggle I must win

Eventually it'll end - for this time
I know it'll strike me again and again
Exhausted, I pound my heart in grime
The motivation I utterly have to maintain
For the harmony that I'll one day obtain

Klarhet

Jag sliter lös min
hud; för att blotta skuggan
den döljer - såsom

solen bemantlar
sanningen, vilseleder,
fräter hornhinnan

Blekta bilder som
försvunnit, vinden tickar
Vrider sig, kväver

tankar jag inte tänker