Hollow Purpose and the Search for it

Incomplete beings moving forth and back
Searching for something to fill themselves with
We don't know what we need

I doubt we could ever fill that hole entirely
We'll never reach the state of being complete
But if we knew; would we proceed?

Perhaps the point is not success, but aiming
Maybe we aren't really caged by existence
How could we then be freed?

And if there is no greater purpose waiting
If life's just what we make of it ourselves
Then shouldn't living precede?

May 6 2008: no title

And the meadow stroked your legs

As we walked through our own eternity

Cold and hurt were not a daily ration

The world didn't seem that raw

And the spring would be from horizon to horizon

From one end to another

As the ground was moisture

Even though it hadn't rained for days

Smiles would last forever

Like the wind would always blow

To make us feel alive

And we made our own eternity

May 7 2008: no title

As I tried to fill this hole between us

While you kept digging

Emptiness or meaninglessness?

What would you prefer?

For we wouldn't smile

And we couldn't try

Concrete would fill the emptiness

But build a wall between us

And maybe,

This is where we were meant to go

Disintegration

Drill a hole in my head
I need to release the pressure
The filth is expanding
My bones cannot hold it back

Cut out this misery
All my blood is suffocating me
Rushing through me
Way too fast for me to handle

Anguish blinds me
I'm looking into a blank nothing
Bright, dimmed sight
I'm watching me disintegrate

War of Emotions

It's one of those tormenting days
I know there's no place to hide
Yet I keep on searching gaps
A safer space where I'd lie inside
Where the hammering from my heart
Wouldn't echo as much in my ears
If I could just escape the oxygen
Every breath seems so fierce
I find my eyelids trembling
Just like the rest of me
There's no tomorrow to long for
Since they're never anxious-free
I rub my forehead with my hands
Their movements hides violence
Chaos reigns over logic
And my senses grow more intense
The battles takes place underneath my flesh
Every cell in me seems to be in conflict
I feel aggravated disgust for myself
At the same time I try to contradict
It's just a day of many more
One day, I hope to break loose
When I'll find some sort of peace
But for now I'd be pleased with a truce

dreams

sometimes you tell me
about her and her friends
and her dreams
her dreams are the worst;
because I dream too
yet you never think about them
not my dreams
you say
'how awful'
or something like that
and that's it

but when you talk about her dreams
you've thought about them
and you've given her
your response
input
I want that response
so I try to seem
normal even though
I swallow a hard lump
and it's itching in my throat
and makes my eyelids
corrode a bit

I think about her dreams too
not too seldom
since I'm so jealous
I wish I could dreams like her
like that
so I could catch
your interest
and you would
talk to me
and feel
and I would hear it
in your voice
I would be happy so happy
that you'd care

though I think that my reality
perhaps is worse than
her nightmares
'cause sometimes
my socks merge with
my skin
and I have to tear
the cloth from my flesh
and oh god it hurts
so much but I don't
want to scream
when someone could
hear me

I want you to want to hear me

Parasite

She's constantly violating my inside
Wherever my internal organs lie
Trying to find every wrong in me
Ripping up every scab that's nearby
Anything she can reach is devoured
Any blame she can lay on me is set
She's trying to take control of our body
Like her pray I'm constantly caught in her net
I cannot even remember who's flesh this is
If I am the intruding parasite
Or if she fiercely invaded my being
But I know, she's like the monsters at night
And I stain my hands with red again
I don't know who I'm hurting anymore
Who I'm trying to drive out of us
I'm not even sure what I'm fighting for
She whispers in my head sometimes
Tells me every ugly aspect of my soul
Everything I don't dare to think about
Our hands before the eyes and I lose control
Sometimes I vomit in attempts to loose her
When I think the hurt will go away
If I only can seem certain for awhile
Perhaps she'll loose form and decay
Those times she laughs at me
Mocking my foolishness faking
"You cannot loose yourself,
Every time you try you'll end up breaking"

Belief

I'm stuck in the same
burning feelings
I don't think I believe

(But if you do exist,
God, would you
please save me)

I've suffered
it's aching and
I need to be saved

(Please, please, please
it hurts and God
I'm sorry I don't believe)

He won't save you
there's no almighty power
that can save you

And even if there was;
why would he save you?

(God I know
I don't deserve it
I'm filthy but it hurts)

He won't save me
either I'm not worth saving
or there's no saviour

I'm done,
it's okay,
it's always been
this way and
it doesn't matter

sleep.

could you please
let me enter your dream tonight
dream of me
give me life
through your mind

could you please

dream of me tonight
let me be a shell
of what I used to be
when I was breathing

Her Shadow

I knew a ghostlike woman
Without a real form nor any real smile
Like a shell of what she brooded on
And I don't know what made her hostile
I was hooked in between her claws
Perfect and tidy nails
She forced them into my being
Cut me without leaving any trails
I don't know why she was unhappy
I don't know why I was seen as the error
But I attained her verdict
To be inflicted with her tormenting terror

I once was under the reign of a woman
Who needed to convey her hatred
To blame someone for her misfortune
And make someone else the fault instead
I think she didn't want to see the whole picture
Since she kept herself out of the equation
And to curse an easy victim
Kept her in phase with her evasion
Though she shattered a childhood
And stained my future aswell
I'll break loose and I'll move on
But in her shadows is where she'll always dwell

Please, Love Me.

What do I have to do,
To earn my place in your mind
What do I have to become,
How would you have me designed?
To fit into your world
To let me step inside your private space
Where every grain of you remain
Behind the expression of your face
What do you want me to be,
To earn the conversations with you
To make my thoughts matter
How can I pull us through?
And I come to question sometimes
I can feel that you don't really want me there
So why do you bother to be with me
Why make me hope that we'll repair
When you don't even want to
When you know you're already done
Why bother to lie about my significance
And why do you keep pushing us on?
I want to be enough for you
Who do I need to be,
To have a place reserved in your head
To earn your thoughts about me
Hold my hand like you mean it
Let me step inside
Your voice is freezing me
I guess you just want me kept aside

It's Not You

You are not your haircut
Neither your new and expensive shoes
You are not your voice
Not even when it trembles
Neither are you your deep-blue eyes
Not even if they were green or brown
Would they be you

Remind yourself that you are not
Your body, your hands, your
blood-stained legs and scarred arms
You are not your laughter
Not your fears nor your nightmares
You are not your friends
Not even the cooler ones, are you

You are not your breaths
And they don't make you more alive
You are not your addiction to coffee
Nor the reflection you see every morning,
when you are brushing your teeth
Feeling better 'cause you know you won't smell
But not even your smell
is you

And not even your smell can make you more alive

You are not your smile, your face,
your bad jokes that everyone laugh at anyway
And when you think about it that way
You feel the fright (that isn't you)
From not being anything