Thoughts of Fairytales

My thoughts are wandering
In and out of my brittle mind
To taste the flavour of the world
All expressions - still unrefined

They heedfully take their steps
To grasp all kinds of views
That the world has to offer
They are still way too diffuse

They thirst for new aspects
To curiously and slowly inquire
Wishing to ponder, reflect on about
Anything - whatever would inspire

To fill my skull with new ideas
New ways to use my blinded eyes
They tread with care to find new ways
Where I sit here once again - to revise

Breaking Loose

I've shut my eyes for years now
Had a hard grip around the past inside me
Yet I have to break loose now
I'll hunt the joy that she denied me

I know I've resided for too long
In nightmares; prints from the past
Stories of horror dancing on my eyelids
My purpose was sadly miscast

To say I tried my best to loose her
In every reasonable sense
Would have me lying, forever denying
Of my sumbliminal defence

The reality wasn't real without it
When no one proved me my place
Obliterated my joyful mind -
Deprived me of my earned space

I know that I don't need to evoke her
To lead my life the right way
For I've chosen another path now
And my current value - I'll defray

Glödande Tankar

Mina tankar smattrar mot mina ögonlock
Som meteoriter som inkräktar på atmosfären
Som färdas från en värld till en annan

Som duggregn mot ett fönster en tidig morgon
Innan solen dragit dagens första andetag
Och eldat bort alla spår från igår

Mina tankar är små, brinnande vattendroppar
Som för ett okänt krig i rymden för de som sover
De skalar av verkligheten dess hud

Inunder kokar magma som mirakel

Explain Me This

Show me something I know of
Reach into your magic pockets
And show me something that hasn't changed
Something to prolong the past and
Forget the present for the moment

Show me something I once knew
That can prove to me that I'm still
The same loveable person that he loved
While he was breathing
The same person that wasn't enough

Show me a real reason;
Some sense in this rearranged reality
For this new air around me scares me
And I cannot quite relate
When he's just a shred of a memory

Kemi

Jag regnar in i dina armar
Skärvor av minnen och tankar
Du håller något trasigt så hårt
Att det nästan känns helt

Tiden försvinner när vi andas ikapp
Smulas jag sönder när du rör mig
Så är det bara aska -
Stoft från igår

Faithless

I cannot really blame you

Since I know that I'm wrong

The seam that broke the pattern

The tone that failed the song

Whatever made me so revolting

I missed something fundamental

That made me just not belong

That made my existence detrimental

And had I just been someone else

I wouldn't have had to inure

To accept my place in this world

To realize that I'm the one impure

You were the one who taught me

What was my rightful place

There's something bad inside of me

That I haven't yet managed to erase

Crumbling

This is how I'm crumbling
As we're wide awake, silently
caressing each other by mumbling
Loosing to each other
in dreams awake and asleep
where we are nakedly tumbling

This is how I'm breaking
You hold me hard but you can't
feel how our dimension is violently quaking
But you whisper to me
That we will be okay together
And you caress my body that's shaking

My reality is disrupting
You've again spoiled me the fun
that our breaths are always interrupting
But now it doesn't matter
Dreams and wishes I used to want
are washed away as my inside is erupting

Forget Me

Bittersweet yearning blooming in me
I feel the need of you near
Desire burning violently as we
Try to make this more clear

Oh fuck, I'm so terrified
How long have you been waiting?
I'm struck - I wish I had complied
Your affection is now abating

My longing turns to dwelling
It seems you are way stronger
I wring as you're exceling
I understand you can't wait any longer

I know that I'm not worth it
It's been paining you, my dear
I owe you the benefit
To move on, away from here

So tomorrow will brighten
Sometime I'll get past this
Stuck in sorrow, it'll whiten
Bleach, fade - the last kiss

Urge

I offer you my body

Harm it however you wish

Use it to the definite limit

Don't mind my anguish

Eventually, it'll vanish

I'll get used to anything

Just please, don't pain my mind

Stop torturing my heart

When you're so unkind

When I am left behind

I'm ready to compromise

Since you keep haunting my heart

I thought I was free, but

I was yours from the start

And I'm too weak to restart

So I offer you my body

You can damage this useless shell

I just want to keep my sanity

Since you won't break your spell

Since you're impossible to repel

I will satisfy your hunger

If you relieve my pain

I can no longer respect you

But this love, I can't contain

You keep driving me insane

In-Between

Push me over the edge
Don't leave me in the middle
Only half yours,
Half mine

I've been burning forever already
You know that I'm sore
So don't let me be just half friend,
Half more?

Darkness

I devour the darkness you feed me
You've made me fear the light
I've embraced your verdict on me
Your rules have become what's right

Broken ain't enough for you
You remove my skin like orange peel
I've got nothing to loose anymore
My salvation is to evade to feel

Let's not speculate too much
In why you're secretly poisoning me
I can't expose more hurt to you
You're the limbo from which I have to flee

I devour the darkness you feed me
You've made me reside in the shade
And without anyone noticing
It seems I've started to fade

To Not Forget

The memories are coming back to me
Of the years I spent ablaze
Too small to see the big picture
Too little to figure out the maze

No one ever saved me
From her obscure abuse
I've got no proof to show you
Looks and words, they don't bruise

Time will heal the wounds, they say
Yet four years later, they still bleed
For long I've stayed patient
Hoping to someday exceed

Life has been exhausting
To constantly be distressed
All I wish for now
Is to finally get some rest

Mannen

Soluppgång. När han
vaknar så bränner han sig
på vintern.

Han är aldrig sen;
för det existerar inga
ljud, bara ord.

En kall kaffekopp
som ingen spillde. Någon
höjer volymen.

Wandering Hope

It was early autumn, not spring
Still she planted all of her seeds
Solemnly waiting for them to grow
Walking along the dying weeds

As I was watching she sang to them
Promised them summer was closing in
I grieved her work in vain
Her hoping eyes, her wrinkled skin

In the past that was lost in oblivion
She had been living as the crow
Now she was dressed in green
Never expecting the snow

I walked away before the cold came
I couldn't stand to watch her die
But I know she was still waiting
As the frost drew her sigh

Search

My legs are failing me
As I beg them to walk away
The lump in my chest cannot decide
If it wants me to stay
All my limbs betray

Indecisive and distressed
I am facing my bones
I climb my rib-cage
Which is full of heavy stones
They're responding with groans

I set out to search myself
For strenght that I lack
It's too late to resign
I cannot turn back
To where it's always pitch black

Shadow of the Self

I've resided here for years
With a hunger for the freedom I try to attain
But this torture now feels like home
I fell in love with the blood and the pain

Intoxicated from the rush of vertigo
I'm balancing on a border
Dreaming of slipping, yearning to fall
My sense is out of order

I cut loose a piece of mind
That I'm saving for the sunshine
As a hope of regaining my goal
The only piece I won't consign

For I invested it all
Because I couldn't let go of the torment
That I've feared my entire life
That followed me wherever I went

In the end I find myself too weak
To break loose from was has been
My security in the shadows
Is what makes them win

Forget

It was long back in time
When I was searching for the way that was mine
Forcing my lungs to make my breaths rhyme
As if it would make me fine

I crawled upon the mountainside of my rib cage
Exploring new parts of my soul
Between my bones, a hidden door to my rage
A power I can't control

I wandered towards the brightening end
Collecting stones as souvenirs
For the memories I want to extend
To avoid them to vanish along with tears

Beneath Sanity

My cheek pressed towards the cold tiles
The world seems so terribly unreal
As I seek the patterns closer to the ground
To wash away everything that I feel

I'm defying bound laws of nature
How could I still imperfectly exist?
I'm buying time with every breath
Terrified of finally being dismissed

To realize that every stage was not
Perhaps just someone's forgotten dream
I idealize escaping from rhyme and reason
To break loose, to head upstream

But hiding from space and time
Is impossible for someone bound by pain
I keep confiding on this uncertain air
I keep heading on an anxious terrain

And when time has lost it's sense to me
When this rush has subsided
As the prime of sorrow unfolds ahead
Is when emotion and thought has collided

End

I've come to the same insight as before
Finding my thoughts condemning your deeds
We're only rubbing wounds that are sore
And even though my heart bleeds
I know, eventually, the angst recedes

There's this power growing inside of me again
I'm starting to feel increasingly brave
You eyes and words behave so inhumane
Even though my emotions still crave
I've got myself to save

I've know all the time that I have to turn away
For my throbbing body needs to smile
There's no point in waiting halfway
I can't stand you being hostile
Not even for awhile

You've shown me that I'm not worth to cherish
I can't continue on denying
For it would only make me perish
We can't go on foolishly trying
Because we're already slowly dying

Nightmares

I'm violated fiercely

Forced through my pride

Thorns of words and limbs

All shame, applied

I find myself not moving

Not even an attempt to break loose

But even worse is

How I make up their excuse

I must find myself unworthy

When I'm not surprised of such a quake

I only feel myself as empty

When I'm actually awake

Hope

I survived on this hope

Like oxygen

In every breath

I grew stronger and

I wonder where

My strength is now

Invested my everything

On being happy with you

All emotions in

But you were cheated

Your shadow

Fooled me, you, us

I am watching myself scatter

Once more I'm torn down

I wonder where

My hope is now

Open My Eyes

There's a scent of destruction

Evolving in the gap

For the snares you put out for us

To catch us in your own trap

The remorse must be unbearable

For letting me bleed

Finally you are realizing

This ain't what I need

So we keep exchanging kisses

There is no forever

No plans for tomorrow

No hope whatsoever

I know I'll wake up soon

From the sweetest nightmare

Without your breath in my ear

That is fading all despair

Blindness

You may not be able to
Appreciate what you've got

Only hunting what you could have

And certainly what you cannot

I could give you all I have

I've done it before

But why give me to someone

Who only wants more?

I guess I'd be better off alone

Without my wounds full of your salt

To escape the feeling that you give me

That all is my fault

Because I know that I am strong

That there's much in me to care for

And perhaps someone else could

Love me even more

I could be happy, you know

Why should I stick around you?

You blind me too often

Still I keep pulling through

Idiotic, that's what it is

That I keep letting myself grieve

Instead of accepting what I'm worth

Instead of letting myself leave

Changes

We cannot erase what has been

Even when we're downed

Time will forever win

When misfortune would surround

To make you stick around

Impossible to replace

What you don't want to see

To learn to truly face

Our bound reality

And the one you came to be

I want to have my own hideaway

Where I can bloom

Where I can calmly stay

There no one could resume

What I want to entomb

Remember

It's like there's someone's blowing my

eyelids

In directions I have yet explored

But I don't think

I want to regard this

There is no change of the past,

nothing I can do

It happened

I don't think

I want to remember

It Happened

"There's no pride in conveying"

She shut her eyelids hard

"As I was saying,

You have to stay on your guard"

Her voice seemed barred

I watched her walking on

Like she had no past

Seeing future in the dawn

Yet I knew, her misery was vast

Her secrets would outlast

I watched her being torn

I saw her in fright

We all lived with the same scorn

But she was too young to stay upright

Too frail to not get stained by the spite

She laughs all the time

No one around her could tell

When the guilt would climb

To have her dwell

In her memories of hell

"There's no point in talking

About what has been"

I watch her, still walking

With her hurt shut within

A facade worn like skin

Hollowness

I know of nothing

But buttons in elevators

They have no numbers

No levels to reach

There is nowhere to go

No past and no beginning

I know of nothing

But the blank buttons

And suddenly she'd scream

To no one, she'd scream

Begging them to stop

Stop going nowhere

And I think she filled her pockets

With broken bricks

To unite with gravitation

I think she wanted purpose

We're floating above her

Intoxicated with buttons

We're pushing nothing

To go nowhere

Released

He was staring at the scenery
Sick of being overthrown
Tired of feeling guilty
For emotions, to others unknown

There was a part of him whispering
Longing to be free
Let out from his shadowy place
Where he cannot really see

There was not lacking love
But endurance was running out
He was unsure, uncertain
What importance was about

Smiled and kept his mouth shut
Ashamed of feelings wrong
Secretly, wanting to be released
But silence prolonged

Pulverize

I find myself hoping
You'd crush me
With your soft palms
Pulverize my hurt
Along with my being

I discover myself aching
For millions of reasons
Known and unknown
Eyes set on future
Yet I dwell on

There's nothing but scar tissue
Thick skin-looking surface
Hiding the filth
From what has been
What should never be again

My emotions suffers vertigo
And in a way
I wish you'd free me
There's parts of me
Waiting to let go

Cast me Away

There's a thunderstorm in my chest
For reasons I cannot see clear
Something just ain't right

Somehow I need to break loose
Face that I don't need you near
My trembling eyelids ignite

It's raining inside my broken mind
I have to let go of a scorching fear
There's a story to rewrite

There's a past infecting my breaths
A future to benight

Care

Let me bury my eyes
In your hair
And I won't have to face
The darkened air
For I don't really want to
Turn from you

Yet I keep inhaling
My decision
I ain't yet failing
Despite the collision
I shall walk on
I've already gone

If I leave my heart behind
Will you keep it protected?
It's already confined
Completely infected
Yet I know I really need to
Finally leave you

The Thirst of Touch

There's a sorrow screaming inside of me
Thirsting for the touch of your skin
And this reality keeps hitting me like a wall
I'd need to have my body made of tin
To not break myself when I fall

The lack of armour lets your words sink in
Awakening the hope I wish I'd let go
As I try to stand tall, I pretend that I'm brave
I try to tell myself that I will grow
Yet I find my heart depraved

When you enter my mind, I cannot think
There's just a huge emotional desire
What kind of future am I fighting for?
What in this choice is there to admire?
I close my eyes, I ignore

Hurt Me Again

You entered my picture, shining
Confident about that you wanted me
Back in the days when I was still defining
Who I wanted to be

You spoke about liberty and of love
In a way I never had heard it before
Walking beside you, I always was proud of
Each day I miss it even more

But you were a preacher, you didn't act
At least not according to what you said
Comparing to now, back then I was intact
Still I'm not sure, how to force myself ahead

You're playing on my shame
Trying to regain what was broken and lost
Hurting me further, when you try to reclaim
I guess you cannot see, there's always a cost

I assume you don't really understand
That there are consequences to each move you make
You shouldn't deserve to reach my hand
And I wish, I didn't want to partake

Grey

There is something grey
Evolving in my stomach
Fading my eyes into shadows

Giving birth to a monster
Through my fingertips
It rises from my head

There is a beat chasing me
Invading my breath
Venomous heartbeats erupts

I am drifting above sense
I want to take part of the world
The genuine gravitation

There is something grey
Taking me over

Forward

I'm trying to forget who I was
Leave the past behind me
Releasing it on a stormy day
To let the wind carry it away
Far away from me and
The one I'm supposed to become

So Long

I always gave it everything I had
I can leave now, without the remorse
that will be haunting you

And I'm sorry for you
I'm sorry you were sleeping for
years and through every try I invested

I'm sorry you lost something precious
Someone you now realize
you broke over and over again

I'm shall grow stronger and I will
forevermore shine

I'll never let someone
crush me again

Crushed Dreams

I've seen you
When you sweep crushed dreams
under your sheets
Pretending
That nothing needs patching
And my mother used to stitch
my torn clothes
Started mending
my sliced thighs instead

While I have been trying,
for years,
to heal the holes inside of me
Backlashing over and over
and over again
Always rising once more
to give it another try
I've grown tired
of residing here

I'm afraid of finding myself
Sometime in the future
Hiding my scattered dreams
Just like you
Even to have forgotten
That I've swept them away

Closing In

I am reaching for the surface
Eager to inhale the first gasp of air
Let the darkness dry away
Finally, finding everything out there
That I've longed for forever
While trying to gently repair
Growing from the inside again
I may think, all this time I've been unaware
Of all these treasures around me
Of every single smile I'll wear
But now I'll retake what I missed
And I'm truly ready, I swear
So I'm leaping out now
To show myself that I can, that I dare

What Mistakes?

I am laying in my bed
my heart is pounding
painfully
like any other day

but it's not like
any other day
for this time
it is you who is
pounding and
aching
inside of me.

Perhaps it's the usual
anyway,
I just remembered
that you've been
making me corrode
for years.

I don't even know
why my chest decides
to punish me,

I don't even know
what I am doing wrong.


I don't know
how to make me right.

Nightmares in Daylight

I'm still wandering the same damn path
as I've brooded on for too many days
and hours and years.
And I just came to realize that my flesh
has turned inside and out, so now my
internal organs are external organs and
the core is just nothing but skin.
Nothing but scar tissue.

I've been thinking about living and what
will happen when I'm there again. With
vitality streaming from my eyes once more.
But the hopes are sucking me back.
There's not much over for dreaming just
right now, since I'm still hurting too many
seconds each minute, too many minutes
each day.
And the other way around.

Have a look at my face, can you see it,
right there. The grooves on my face from
the tears I've cried and also the ones I
never could let out.
Why don't you say anything, you must see
them, the nightmares following me
wherever I go. Always one step behind,
whenever I turn around.
Why don't you save me?

My heart is beating way too quick now
and my face is vibrating,
my brain is
turning hot
and I cannot think because
my entire body is pounding.

Misdeed

Had I the power to trust myself
Every emotion and thought
Had they not been stained with doubt
The hesitation that demolishes
Tainting the steps I take forward
The approaching to finally break out

If I could love the one reflected
I wouldn't have to excuse my breaths
The proof of my crime towards our universe
The evidence of my vicious existence
Every footprint turns to a misdeed
Towards believing I seem to be averse

I'm trying to understand the difference
Between yours and my own view
To embrace the change of self-esteem
Leave the label of failure behind
Start to walk upright, environed by the air
And fully realize; there's nothing to redeem

Otakt

Mitt hjärta slår i otakt
Luften i mitt rum består av
För mycket mellanrum,
Alldeles för lite syre

Mina lungor klarar inte av
Att bära på mina plågor
De är bra, dock med
En svidande eftersmak

Taket närmar sig mitt ansikte
Hotar mig med linjer
Bländar mig med hopp
Snälla, tappa mig inte nu

Träffar jag marken krossas jag
Luften smakar underbart
Men försätter mig i trans
Jag tappar den trygga kontrollen

Mitt hjärta slår i otakt
Jag sitter och blundar,
Håller andan för att fördela
Jämnare slag i min bröstkorg

Ljuv

Mina andetag är bräckliga, sköra,
de får min bröstkorg att
skälva av behag. Rysningar,
de skrämmer.

Jag vandrar högt, månen är
inte långt ifrån.
Vinden smeker min hud utan
hjärta eller omtanke.

Gitarrsträngar kopplar mitt huvud
till den värld jag känner.
Jag smakar på öarna som råder
en bitterljuv röst.

Ljuset som speglas i mitt tak,
när jag blundar, kryper
för nära. Otryggheten i de
blekta strålarna.

Jag är skuggan som ej avbildar,
kylan i blodet. Våga,
inte närmre. Det förintar,
förgör de färger vi lever.

Surface

Time seems to stop for awhile
Perhaps to catch it's breath
It doesn't hold the same purpose anymore

You walked without even glancing
back, over your shoulder
You fled from future remorse

I want to reach for the air
molecules of oxygen and sorrow
Scream out loud; "I surrender!"

It's colder without your words,
trembling, quaking the wrongs
Vision seems now obscure

like tears falling on the surface,
making the world ring

Unreal

The dirt crashed down in my head
A different kind of state of mind
Where nightmares come alive
Where reality's undefined
Everyday with the goal; to survive

My sight's slit and my eyes have bled
There's another world in the shade
Only the contours of ours remain
I pretend that I ain't afraid
'Cause I'm playing in their domain

They hear anything unspoken and unsaid
Emotions are an open book they read
I must surely be about to go insane
When the limit of my pulse exceed
It doesn't matter how much I try to strain

The hurt fiercely invaded my sore head
Only to increase my body's tension
Everyone around me start to fade
I'm being sucked into another dimension
I naively try to stay here, but I cannot evade

Acid Crown

My head spins me out of place
Someone's dropping acid on my inside
It corrodes through my defence
To creep into my blood
There it'd come to infect my mind further
And I breathe in every piece of sunlight
Only to realize: the sun betrays me
It hides the bitter taste of darkness
Vibrating through my shell
I continue walking in my dreams
My place of being
The place of my mind's cheating torture
My hatred is overwhelming
Since I despise the one I call myself
It all comes to further harm
I find myself worthy of the crown of thorns
But I'm no redeemer of anything
Only the acid of my surroundings
My crown is my overtaking emotions
They're already full of stakes piercing me
I've already crowned myself

Dimmed

I find myself crawling in the dark mud again
It encloses me entirely, derisively quick
In a way I've stopped fighting it
In a way I've accepted that it swallows me
Perhaps I've come to realize my own part of it
And the shame is haunting me intensively

My nightmares takes form inside of me
Why doesn't anyone see them floating in my face?
Isn't it too obvious that I've been melting?
Isn't it way too clear how I've been boiling?
And I know it won't obliterate me
I'll only continue to shatter the one I was

I walk hollowly on my dimmed path
Trying to find some kind of end to the plague
You keep on boosting my hatred for myself
You keep on telling me how I am wrong
Even though your eyes speak more than your voice
Your hidden words are imprinted inside of me

Hollow Purpose and the Search for it

Incomplete beings moving forth and back
Searching for something to fill themselves with
We don't know what we need

I doubt we could ever fill that hole entirely
We'll never reach the state of being complete
But if we knew; would we proceed?

Perhaps the point is not success, but aiming
Maybe we aren't really caged by existence
How could we then be freed?

And if there is no greater purpose waiting
If life's just what we make of it ourselves
Then shouldn't living precede?

May 6 2008: no title

And the meadow stroked your legs

As we walked through our own eternity

Cold and hurt were not a daily ration

The world didn't seem that raw

And the spring would be from horizon to horizon

From one end to another

As the ground was moisture

Even though it hadn't rained for days

Smiles would last forever

Like the wind would always blow

To make us feel alive

And we made our own eternity

May 7 2008: no title

As I tried to fill this hole between us

While you kept digging

Emptiness or meaninglessness?

What would you prefer?

For we wouldn't smile

And we couldn't try

Concrete would fill the emptiness

But build a wall between us

And maybe,

This is where we were meant to go

Disintegration

Drill a hole in my head
I need to release the pressure
The filth is expanding
My bones cannot hold it back

Cut out this misery
All my blood is suffocating me
Rushing through me
Way too fast for me to handle

Anguish blinds me
I'm looking into a blank nothing
Bright, dimmed sight
I'm watching me disintegrate

War of Emotions

It's one of those tormenting days
I know there's no place to hide
Yet I keep on searching gaps
A safer space where I'd lie inside
Where the hammering from my heart
Wouldn't echo as much in my ears
If I could just escape the oxygen
Every breath seems so fierce
I find my eyelids trembling
Just like the rest of me
There's no tomorrow to long for
Since they're never anxious-free
I rub my forehead with my hands
Their movements hides violence
Chaos reigns over logic
And my senses grow more intense
The battles takes place underneath my flesh
Every cell in me seems to be in conflict
I feel aggravated disgust for myself
At the same time I try to contradict
It's just a day of many more
One day, I hope to break loose
When I'll find some sort of peace
But for now I'd be pleased with a truce

dreams

sometimes you tell me
about her and her friends
and her dreams
her dreams are the worst;
because I dream too
yet you never think about them
not my dreams
you say
'how awful'
or something like that
and that's it

but when you talk about her dreams
you've thought about them
and you've given her
your response
input
I want that response
so I try to seem
normal even though
I swallow a hard lump
and it's itching in my throat
and makes my eyelids
corrode a bit

I think about her dreams too
not too seldom
since I'm so jealous
I wish I could dreams like her
like that
so I could catch
your interest
and you would
talk to me
and feel
and I would hear it
in your voice
I would be happy so happy
that you'd care

though I think that my reality
perhaps is worse than
her nightmares
'cause sometimes
my socks merge with
my skin
and I have to tear
the cloth from my flesh
and oh god it hurts
so much but I don't
want to scream
when someone could
hear me

I want you to want to hear me

Parasite

She's constantly violating my inside
Wherever my internal organs lie
Trying to find every wrong in me
Ripping up every scab that's nearby
Anything she can reach is devoured
Any blame she can lay on me is set
She's trying to take control of our body
Like her pray I'm constantly caught in her net
I cannot even remember who's flesh this is
If I am the intruding parasite
Or if she fiercely invaded my being
But I know, she's like the monsters at night
And I stain my hands with red again
I don't know who I'm hurting anymore
Who I'm trying to drive out of us
I'm not even sure what I'm fighting for
She whispers in my head sometimes
Tells me every ugly aspect of my soul
Everything I don't dare to think about
Our hands before the eyes and I lose control
Sometimes I vomit in attempts to loose her
When I think the hurt will go away
If I only can seem certain for awhile
Perhaps she'll loose form and decay
Those times she laughs at me
Mocking my foolishness faking
"You cannot loose yourself,
Every time you try you'll end up breaking"

Belief

I'm stuck in the same
burning feelings
I don't think I believe

(But if you do exist,
God, would you
please save me)

I've suffered
it's aching and
I need to be saved

(Please, please, please
it hurts and God
I'm sorry I don't believe)

He won't save you
there's no almighty power
that can save you

And even if there was;
why would he save you?

(God I know
I don't deserve it
I'm filthy but it hurts)

He won't save me
either I'm not worth saving
or there's no saviour

I'm done,
it's okay,
it's always been
this way and
it doesn't matter

sleep.

could you please
let me enter your dream tonight
dream of me
give me life
through your mind

could you please

dream of me tonight
let me be a shell
of what I used to be
when I was breathing

Her Shadow

I knew a ghostlike woman
Without a real form nor any real smile
Like a shell of what she brooded on
And I don't know what made her hostile
I was hooked in between her claws
Perfect and tidy nails
She forced them into my being
Cut me without leaving any trails
I don't know why she was unhappy
I don't know why I was seen as the error
But I attained her verdict
To be inflicted with her tormenting terror

I once was under the reign of a woman
Who needed to convey her hatred
To blame someone for her misfortune
And make someone else the fault instead
I think she didn't want to see the whole picture
Since she kept herself out of the equation
And to curse an easy victim
Kept her in phase with her evasion
Though she shattered a childhood
And stained my future aswell
I'll break loose and I'll move on
But in her shadows is where she'll always dwell

Please, Love Me.

What do I have to do,
To earn my place in your mind
What do I have to become,
How would you have me designed?
To fit into your world
To let me step inside your private space
Where every grain of you remain
Behind the expression of your face
What do you want me to be,
To earn the conversations with you
To make my thoughts matter
How can I pull us through?
And I come to question sometimes
I can feel that you don't really want me there
So why do you bother to be with me
Why make me hope that we'll repair
When you don't even want to
When you know you're already done
Why bother to lie about my significance
And why do you keep pushing us on?
I want to be enough for you
Who do I need to be,
To have a place reserved in your head
To earn your thoughts about me
Hold my hand like you mean it
Let me step inside
Your voice is freezing me
I guess you just want me kept aside

It's Not You

You are not your haircut
Neither your new and expensive shoes
You are not your voice
Not even when it trembles
Neither are you your deep-blue eyes
Not even if they were green or brown
Would they be you

Remind yourself that you are not
Your body, your hands, your
blood-stained legs and scarred arms
You are not your laughter
Not your fears nor your nightmares
You are not your friends
Not even the cooler ones, are you

You are not your breaths
And they don't make you more alive
You are not your addiction to coffee
Nor the reflection you see every morning,
when you are brushing your teeth
Feeling better 'cause you know you won't smell
But not even your smell
is you

And not even your smell can make you more alive

You are not your smile, your face,
your bad jokes that everyone laugh at anyway
And when you think about it that way
You feel the fright (that isn't you)
From not being anything

Another Day, The Same

It's just another day
Of the same fucked up
Emotional balance
Like any other
With the same agony
And the same fears
I walk the same corridors
To reach the same rooms
How to break loose
When it's the same expressions
Facing my tire
Worn out face
In the same vacuity
That's my spared space
And there's nightmares
In your eyes
You look at me in the same ways
Without knowing that you're
Torturing me
With the same gaze

I am Revolting

So what if I would
Crash down in the mud
That I just threw up
Full of regret and shame
From squeezing out
The final drops of energy
I could spare

How am I to breathe again
Without my ribs piercing
My soul, my lung, my skin
Without my body crumbling
Without every step hurting
Like walking on broken glass
Spilled by me

And I lie, I lie, I'm a liar
I keep talking with perfect words
To hide the darker core
Rotten and revolting
My deepest shame is hidden
In between the lines
Inside of me

Adult Children

I want to lay my head down
Close my eyes
Kick and scream about
How life is so unfair
That I too wanted to be
Seventeen, sixteen
Fourteen, fifteen
That I too wanted to have
A normal childhood
That I too wanted to feel
Safe, loved, wanted
Secure, appreciated
I want to cry for every day
I never could play out my age
Every day I bled
And trembled, disappeared
Fell asleep in the bathroom
To wake up with more anguish
Every day I had to take care of
Problems à la grown up
And swallow my pity
Through my sore throat
Where I try to keep my cries
Held back, they hurt
They yearn for being heard
I have to move on
I'm growing up
And I've missed so much
That I can never regain
So my cries long for taking form
To slip through the wall I built
Just to keep me stronger
Almost like pretending
That they're not there at all
But now I try to look forward
I try to deal the good way
I'll get nowhere from kicking
Screaming, pitying
Blaming, claiming
The things no one can return to me
I'll try my best
To reach my goal
Yet I still cannot stop mourning
My broken childhood

Inner war

Afraid of them hearing that I breathe

I hold my breath as I walk past

Am I so unworthy of life

Why do I exist if I'm not supposed to last?

I've started questioning myself

Or rather the emotions I try to ignore

I've started a riot against myself

A war for the peace I aim for

When the waves have settled

And when the sky will brighten my sight

I will have revised my feelings

I'll have grown stronger from every fight

I'll walk past anyone while breathing freely

All the parts of me will be united as one

When I'll live for real with pleasure

That's when I've won

Dreamingly Beat

I want to reach deep inside of you
To taste your carefully hidden dread
Yet only if you'd let me
I'd listen to the words you've never said
And I'd try my best to understand you
You'd listen to the music from my eyes
Even though none of us knows the lyrics
We'd sing and improvise
And time would be nothing real
It seems it never really was with you around
Hours passing by while you'd touch a piece in me
That has been screaming forever to be found
Yet one cannot run from dream to dream
Hiding form reality, expecting not to partake
Every once in a while you find yourself sliding back
And sometimes you just have to be awake

Sight of Emotion

So she finds herself again
Looking up on the mighty, starry sky
That never stop to amaze her
That'd never give her an eternal goodbye
But for a moment can free her
For half a second they could let her fly

She's sitting here again
Gazing on the intense burning fire
Trying to solve a puzzle within her
Trying to figure out what she desire
How to heal the wounds inside of her
What does she need to acquire

She's laying down in the late hours
Staring into her cold-coloured ceiling
Finding herself lost in her shame
Trying to stop another heavy feeling
Keeping her body intact
Perhaps the blade's just too damn appealing

She's existing somewhere again
Keeping her eyelids shut tight
Trying to obtain control of her body
Trying to tell herself she'll be alright
And she's ashamed of that she doubt
If she really can win another fight

You're Feasting on Me

I've always wanted to be close to you
Not physically, I just wanted to know you
What happens inside your head
And I've always tried my best to understand you
I cannot do this all by myself
Cannot know everything you haven't said
Perhaps you're just unable to open up
To let go of your ego and see the whole picture
If you want to, keep your eyes closed
I will quit trying to force them open
I will stop dragging us on along
You won't notice when we're decomposed

I've tried so hard to hear you
Listen to the slient words in between your breaths
And every word you've loudly spoken
Yet I find myself trembling before meeting you
Anguish for long, cold hours
Just for you to make me feel more broken
When you actually dismiss me
When you actually make the coldness real
I cannot bear our burdon all alone
And you've always known it
The old wounds inflicted inside of me
You know it hurts more than I've ever shown

And I think you know that the way you're treating me
Reminds me about the hurt I've been through
Mustn't that mean that you don't care?
And oh, how badly I want you to give a damn
About that you're only making it worse
Making it tougher for me to self-repair
Yet I find myself to desperatly hold onto
Something secretly feasting on me
Something that might already be dead
I find myself fearing another embracement
For it to enchance me too much
I guess I'll just force myself ahead

Emotional Drug

I find myself stuck in between reality
Chasing myself through the days
All I can rely on is dreaming
Since my cravings cannot be breached
In this limited dimension
Where we loose the sight of ourselves
Giving our surroundings too much attention

I hurt from pleasurable emotions
Loosing track of what's what
I find myself floating when I
Really ought to walk
A completely new sensation
I try to snap out of it
I don't need another deprivation

Yet I find myself consenting again
To dualistic moments that amaze me
A bit cursed but yet so divine
Reality clench my bones too hard
Another rough agitation
I want to breathe so near
And my logics are put into disintegration

So I need to preserve myself
I ought to turn my focus back
But cannot release memories from my mind
They make me smile over and over again
But also make me falter gravitation
They rip me back to impossibilities
I'm already lost in ambushing sedation