this is what a life can turn up to

It's all inside my head
I'm so damn wrecked
I balance on a thread
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Can't stand my head imagining
All those people staring at me
Laughing, whispering
I'm not good enough, anybody can see

I don't have the energy to feel inadequated
Like I'm so much lower then anybody else around
All I want is my mind to be sedated
I'll make my own sound

When someone past by
All I can see is that they are so much better then me
And no matter how hard I try
I end up thinking what I can't be

And when I look in the mirror
I see all the things I hate
And the edge, I'm moving nearer
I care too much about my weight

And then I'm standing there
Look in the mirror, my hands shaking
Everything's wrong, my clothes, my hair
And I'm breaking

Rummage my bag for something
Something to make it go away
I feel that tiny sting
Next second my mind sway

I'm losing consciousness
And it feels damn good
The power the blade possess
Understand, no one could

And it's running down
Slowly making it's way
I feel high, in my mind I drown
And I betray

I betray the ones who trusted in me
The ones who care
'Cause they see so much more then I see
And I hurt them in my dispair

stupied words

Why don't you just rip my heart out?
And save me all of my sufferings.
I'd rather live without,
All those damn things.

Why can't you just end it,
to prevent breaking my heart?
You don't really like me anyway, you must admit,
I don't want to waste my blood on someone who don't want to impart.

And now I'm crying blood, the same old way,
for something that doesn't even matter for you.
And it's pathetic that I just can't say,
all these things on my mind too.

And these things on my wrist,
some of them are caused by you.
I'm lost in the mist,
and I've got no one to turn to.

A disease

Looking down in the toilet
My reflection looking back at me
A tear running down my cheek
This is what I don't want to be
Looking in the mirror
While brushing my teeth
To wash away the proof
This is what I am underneath

Lying in my bed
Feel those thoughts coming back
Just so damn disgusted by myself
My mind is stained black
'Cause I'll never be pretty enough
Funny or so smart
If I'm thin I'm good at something
More thoughts ain't something I'll impart

I'll never be good enough
Not for you, not for anyone
I'm not pretty, I'm not tough
And all these things I've done
Somethings that's been hurting me
And they've made some scars
Some in my soul and some that you can see
And when it's time I wanna die under the stars

Untitled

I'm falling apart
My head's spinning around
My heart's bursting
I'm lying on the ground
I'm all damn alone
I'm dying inside
I can't stand to feel
And no one's on my side

All the things I did
to forget the pain inside
Hurting myself just
to get on with time

~*~*~
I can't stand to live like this
I don't want to breathe no more
Thinking of everything I regret
All the things that made me soar
~*~*~

I'm smiling
Trying to seem okay
Inside I'm crying
Can't stand another day
You don't want to know
What's behind this shell
All the things I've done
To get through another living hell

Lying to the truth itself
Just to keep on living
Laughing on the outside
Drowning on the inside

~*~*~
I can't stand to live like this
I don't want to breathe no more
Thinking of everything I regret
All the things that made me soar
~*~*~

What happened back then

Do you even know
Those bad memories I've had
It's nothing I'd show
It makes me feel bad

Maybe it was my fault anyway
I did chat for fun
It's what they'd always say
I wish it was just never done

The fear within
Comes up sometimes
I can feel it begin
It's not one of the worst crimes

He didn't rape me
Maybe just my mind
I never told anyone, maybe they'd disagree
I don't want anyone to remind

I don't want to think of it
'Cause sometimes I forget
I'd just rather don't admit
Anything about that threat

Something damn

I used to be a part of it
But you cut me out with a knife
With the silence you submit
I used to be an important part of your life

I want to be there to help you
I want to know what's wrong
I want to guide you through
And help you stand strong

But you won't even let me know
What the hell is going on
It makes me numb also
To know I can't help you to not withdrawn

Another selfish poem

I'm not okay
I don't feel fine
And to keep those tears away
I isolate the heart of mine

I want to sleep forever
And when I wake up just feel good
And I wouldn't care whatever
I wouldn't depend 'cause no one else would

I wish to do something right
For once in my life
I want someone to be proud at me and look at me with delight
And for once not wanting to take the knife

All these egoistic poems I write
Just someting from my heart
About my fright
That will someday tear me apart

I'm so damn lame

What I've developed into
What made me for who I am
All the things I went through
Why I've been condemn

This image of me is so unsure
It's so damn frail
Inside my mind is obscure
My self-conscience is just a false detail

This strong me talking
Who's controlling every movement
It's fake the way I'm walking
And there ain't much improvement

I'm damn weak
And it's so fucking lame
Can't handle critique
And I've got no one else than myself to blame

I'm afraid to burst
And rarely let anyone in
Everything's reversed
But I'll continue fight my fear within

Can't stand alone

I love you but I know
That you deserve the best
Not someone from below
Someone who ain't this depressed

But I still don't want to let you go
And it's so egostic of me to occur
You deserve someone who'd know
That you'd choose to be with her

But I am so damn scared you'd prefere to be
With some other girl
Since there is so much wrong with me
And my whole mind twirl

Sorry to push this on you
Since you did nothing wrong
And if you want me please just help me to
Stand strong

To dad

I am sorry for everything I'm not
All I want is to make you proud
But this is all I've got
To stand out in the crowd

Daddy, I know
That you love me
And I want to show
How good I can be

But I can't stand there
Keep in my anger or sadness
It's too damn hard to bear
Only giving me madness

I know you underestimate me
Alot of people do
But what they expect me to be
Is something I'll never turn into

You say that you don't think of me that way
But I can see it in your eyes
That I'm a teenager and haven't got so much to say
That I'm not deep and only think of guys

But the world is full of so much more
And I'm not that dumb
I'll always be me, but maybe not the one I was before
At least I know what I won't become