Another Day, The Same

It's just another day
Of the same fucked up
Emotional balance
Like any other
With the same agony
And the same fears
I walk the same corridors
To reach the same rooms
How to break loose
When it's the same expressions
Facing my tire
Worn out face
In the same vacuity
That's my spared space
And there's nightmares
In your eyes
You look at me in the same ways
Without knowing that you're
Torturing me
With the same gaze

I am Revolting

So what if I would
Crash down in the mud
That I just threw up
Full of regret and shame
From squeezing out
The final drops of energy
I could spare

How am I to breathe again
Without my ribs piercing
My soul, my lung, my skin
Without my body crumbling
Without every step hurting
Like walking on broken glass
Spilled by me

And I lie, I lie, I'm a liar
I keep talking with perfect words
To hide the darker core
Rotten and revolting
My deepest shame is hidden
In between the lines
Inside of me

Adult Children

I want to lay my head down
Close my eyes
Kick and scream about
How life is so unfair
That I too wanted to be
Seventeen, sixteen
Fourteen, fifteen
That I too wanted to have
A normal childhood
That I too wanted to feel
Safe, loved, wanted
Secure, appreciated
I want to cry for every day
I never could play out my age
Every day I bled
And trembled, disappeared
Fell asleep in the bathroom
To wake up with more anguish
Every day I had to take care of
Problems à la grown up
And swallow my pity
Through my sore throat
Where I try to keep my cries
Held back, they hurt
They yearn for being heard
I have to move on
I'm growing up
And I've missed so much
That I can never regain
So my cries long for taking form
To slip through the wall I built
Just to keep me stronger
Almost like pretending
That they're not there at all
But now I try to look forward
I try to deal the good way
I'll get nowhere from kicking
Screaming, pitying
Blaming, claiming
The things no one can return to me
I'll try my best
To reach my goal
Yet I still cannot stop mourning
My broken childhood

Inner war

Afraid of them hearing that I breathe

I hold my breath as I walk past

Am I so unworthy of life

Why do I exist if I'm not supposed to last?

I've started questioning myself

Or rather the emotions I try to ignore

I've started a riot against myself

A war for the peace I aim for

When the waves have settled

And when the sky will brighten my sight

I will have revised my feelings

I'll have grown stronger from every fight

I'll walk past anyone while breathing freely

All the parts of me will be united as one

When I'll live for real with pleasure

That's when I've won

Dreamingly Beat

I want to reach deep inside of you
To taste your carefully hidden dread
Yet only if you'd let me
I'd listen to the words you've never said
And I'd try my best to understand you
You'd listen to the music from my eyes
Even though none of us knows the lyrics
We'd sing and improvise
And time would be nothing real
It seems it never really was with you around
Hours passing by while you'd touch a piece in me
That has been screaming forever to be found
Yet one cannot run from dream to dream
Hiding form reality, expecting not to partake
Every once in a while you find yourself sliding back
And sometimes you just have to be awake

Sight of Emotion

So she finds herself again
Looking up on the mighty, starry sky
That never stop to amaze her
That'd never give her an eternal goodbye
But for a moment can free her
For half a second they could let her fly

She's sitting here again
Gazing on the intense burning fire
Trying to solve a puzzle within her
Trying to figure out what she desire
How to heal the wounds inside of her
What does she need to acquire

She's laying down in the late hours
Staring into her cold-coloured ceiling
Finding herself lost in her shame
Trying to stop another heavy feeling
Keeping her body intact
Perhaps the blade's just too damn appealing

She's existing somewhere again
Keeping her eyelids shut tight
Trying to obtain control of her body
Trying to tell herself she'll be alright
And she's ashamed of that she doubt
If she really can win another fight

You're Feasting on Me

I've always wanted to be close to you
Not physically, I just wanted to know you
What happens inside your head
And I've always tried my best to understand you
I cannot do this all by myself
Cannot know everything you haven't said
Perhaps you're just unable to open up
To let go of your ego and see the whole picture
If you want to, keep your eyes closed
I will quit trying to force them open
I will stop dragging us on along
You won't notice when we're decomposed

I've tried so hard to hear you
Listen to the slient words in between your breaths
And every word you've loudly spoken
Yet I find myself trembling before meeting you
Anguish for long, cold hours
Just for you to make me feel more broken
When you actually dismiss me
When you actually make the coldness real
I cannot bear our burdon all alone
And you've always known it
The old wounds inflicted inside of me
You know it hurts more than I've ever shown

And I think you know that the way you're treating me
Reminds me about the hurt I've been through
Mustn't that mean that you don't care?
And oh, how badly I want you to give a damn
About that you're only making it worse
Making it tougher for me to self-repair
Yet I find myself to desperatly hold onto
Something secretly feasting on me
Something that might already be dead
I find myself fearing another embracement
For it to enchance me too much
I guess I'll just force myself ahead

Emotional Drug

I find myself stuck in between reality
Chasing myself through the days
All I can rely on is dreaming
Since my cravings cannot be breached
In this limited dimension
Where we loose the sight of ourselves
Giving our surroundings too much attention

I hurt from pleasurable emotions
Loosing track of what's what
I find myself floating when I
Really ought to walk
A completely new sensation
I try to snap out of it
I don't need another deprivation

Yet I find myself consenting again
To dualistic moments that amaze me
A bit cursed but yet so divine
Reality clench my bones too hard
Another rough agitation
I want to breathe so near
And my logics are put into disintegration

So I need to preserve myself
I ought to turn my focus back
But cannot release memories from my mind
They make me smile over and over again
But also make me falter gravitation
They rip me back to impossibilities
I'm already lost in ambushing sedation