Old friendship

Old friend, we who lost touch
You still know me
For even if I changed
I still know how I don't want to be
And you're aware
That I'm still the same girl
Still the broken girl
Crying on the floor
Screaming silently
For someone to come save me
The nightmares during the day
Shadows in the sun
How can someone save me?
Still I smile, still it hurts
And I still can't sleep at night
I take the moments I get
To be vulnerable and honest
To lay bare for anyone to read
The moments when I'm alone
I'd let you see me

Unawareness

What came to conquer the year of happiness
Back when I felt and smiled and read
I want to walk through my own memories
And see them live again all around me
Feel their scent through my senses
That didn't smell a rose for years
Hear their laughs echo through my shell
That's still not empty, but still so cold
Like they stabbed it raw with 100 knives
Sliced through the flesh of innocence
To leave it to rot in it's own despair
As it desperately watches time fly away
And I can see how the world turns
The changes and sacrifices that is easily forgotten
Lost in the past and swallowed with dread
The regretting mind lets it sleep peacefully
To hope it'll never wake to awareness again
Hoping to not be tortured by oneself
Not in the past nor the future
But every act has got consequences haunting you
You'll meet them one day
And they will burn your face with revenge

Loneliness

As if there's ice expanding in my head
How could I make these decisions
When my skull is about to explode
Who could ever hold these untrue visions?

And dare to still breathe alone
Dare to sleep at all
I'm not sure I can trust myself
It's so hard to stand tall

When everyone's kicking you down again
And when your legs are shattered
Is there someone trustful enough to rely on?
Who'd show how much you really mattered

Even though your lack of smiles
They still found you beautiful and strong
For when your world's upside down
There'll always be a place for you to belong

But will you dare to take their hand?
To walk with support and care
Disease them with your sickness
Is that really fair?

What if you'd break the only ones
That would still try to reach out to you
Would this make you more alone?
More or less unable to get through?

Would it really matter
To tear the skies apart
Would it make you better
To stab your own fucking heart

Dear World

World, overwhelm me
Throb your music through my body
Let your rhythm pound inside of me
And let your beauty move me
Reach to hidden spots inside of me
Awake feelings I never felt before

Bleeding Monsoon

I went away to hide again
And this time the leaves were crying
Claimed me for my sacrifice
Teardrops like razors dyed me red
Stained my mind with guilt
Pained me with myself
The truth of failure
And the one I've become

Nightmares

The darkness falls so soon
A few bright hours every day
Some precious hours
The ones I sleep away
Because they wouldn't leave me
Leave my head
When I'm so fucking tired
They whisper about the dead
Why I should join them
In a hole in time
Sedated in serenity
Forever stand in prime
I cannot sleep
They've infected my mind
How would the ones around me react
Would I be left behind?
In fright and confusion
With lack of knowledge and braveness
Maybe they'd walk away
And I'd be left alone with my nightmares I guess

It's breaking me

The sixth of December
It's snowing in my mind
They're screaming inside of me
I'm out of reach for mankind

Breathing feels unrealistically heavy
Like it used to do before
But it really doesn't matter to the world
So I keep going, I try to ignore

Whatever is swallowing me
That made me this frail
There are no exceptions nor sympathy
To whom it doesn't matter when I fail

To walk or breathe or wake up
I got that it's not her aggression
But still breaking me
Still all the things to be my repression
And it's breaking me

Cancer

Cancer
Eating my mind
Eating my head
Feasting on me

The pills will sedate me
Make me go on
Taking away my shadows

I'll be your drug
Sweet and Addictive
You'll be my redemption

I'm filled with coldness
Frozen in deep
Taking away my emotions

Laying in darkness
Laying in sin
In the corner of the world
Where the nobodies live

I'll be your coffee
Bitter and dark
You'll be my refrain

Hard to get up
Hard to get out
Heavy to breathe
I think I'm breaking inside

Old times

The time of the sunrises
And I was amazed
Went through an important lesson,
Or was that just time to waste?
The best time of his life
And I tore it apart
Love sheds tears in teacups
To drown the heart
And I'm sorry I'm sorry
I cannot live a lie
Been there, done that
I cannot deny

Absence

I laugh and I smile
Absent from reality
What am I doing?
Freedom fills me with joy
And I don't ever want to leave
These fake emotions behind

They call my name
And I can hear them at a distance
It just doesn't matter right now
Because I'm walking in the world
The world you put me in
I'm walking in myself and I don't feel

For the hurt is downbeat
And my body's so heavy
My mind is so heavy
To not think I'll put up with this
Every breath to be strained
But I don't have to think

Black Sky

It crubmles me to be
The sunlight is far away
But I'm still able to observe it
See the beauty in everyday
Which can be tough
When I'm watching the other side
The starless view of the sky
How could this subside?
But still there's a beauty in raggedness
In broken skies oh black
I didn't give in
I yet didn't turn my back
Sigh with me and the stars
With their laments
About the crashed emotions
This unwanted event
I'm living in

Whole

And as I walk on every day
Step by step by step
One step at the time they tell me
I'm taking my steps carefully
To not stumble through my dreams
Right through to my nightmares
A diffuse line to me it seems
The cold, the dark, the hurt
They all try to bring me down
Where I walk alone
Their comforting embraces are far away
To keep me on my track
I need to find stability inside myself
The strenght to dare to breathe
A strenght to dare to play
For life's a cruel game to me
I try to find my comfort
The knowledge that I'll be whole again
Someday, I'll be whole again

Despise

And they whisper about me
Looks burning my back
About the absence in my eyes
What got me on the wrong track?

For there's lots of questions
I don't have any answers for you
Lights are blinding me
Shining me through

To reveal my broken bones
Torn by desire
Everything they want from me
And everything they require

Froze the inside of me
I feel so cold
Lost something precious to me
A smile made of gold

Choked on my tounge
That has spoken so many lies
Eyes whisper truth to me
How they watch me with despise

Solens strålar värmer min hud
Men når inte till djupet av mig
En frusen vrå av mörker
Försvunnen i förtvivlan
Det är tungt att andas
Något så simpelt verkar så svårt för mig
Något så självklart
Det ni gör varje dag
Kämpar jag med om och om igen

I'm Not A Text

I try to be hard
Stand there independent and strong
But when I try to figure myself out
I always end up wrong
Like torn out pages
And words diffuse and pale
I cannot read myself
Maybe stuck on a wrong trail
And my hunger for living
To crash through this fragile wall
That keeps me in this daily ration
Of hurt and pain and all
Still it's a comfort
When it hides me from the herd
The pressure and the raw surface
That used to get me burned
My head is screaming loud at me
Like my skull's ready to explode
And what on earth made me like this
Put me in this unstable mode

Not Enough

The sun can touch my face
Warm my skin
But the feelings remain
'Cause I'm still so fucking frozen within

I seem so damn okay in your eyes
But inside I'm torn
Humanity is easy to fool
With all the smiles I've worn

When I let myself rest
Tore down this disguise
Tears wouldn't stop and I weren't alone
A new time would rise

It's my fault 'cause I turned my back towards the world
I chose to close myself completely
I have to do things better, give it more effort
And it's swallowing me discreetly

How can I be enough in your eyes?
Will I ever succeed?
For you I'm waking up, I'm walking
I put so much effort just to breathe

Moonlit sky

I try to keep the surface strong
So steady and unbreakable as it can get
For when I once did let it go
This is just something I regret
But without the stars surrounding me
I wouldn't find the strength or will
To wake up every day
For the darkness is stronger still
The moon lits the sky in shades of blue
This is where I feel somewhat free
Where I can find my comfort
Where I can just breathe and be

Hear me

Heads hang low
My smiles tire me out
I can't deal with all of this
The expectations and my own doubt

Everybody seem to want things from me
The days are so fucking long
What do I want myself?
And I tend to do them wrong

When no one can see through me
And the faces I wear
They all listen
But no one seems to hear

Complainment song hidden in my voice
Broken wings cannot fly
When they cannot reach me
Where can I rely?

Despair

Eyes nailed to my back
But there's no contact at all
They put out a distance
Like I'm contagious
I'm trying to stand tall
But the sounds are damn persistence

To haunt me down forever
Never rest, never calm
They scream in my head
Am I just insane
When my mind is playing with me
Nothing I ever said

I never shared my darkest moments
Never wanted to drag them down
When it all breaks through
I scare them when I'm out of reach
Crowned in despair
Who really knew?

Buried

Water cannot wash away my sins
But it only makes them sting me
Reminds me of the cold I felt
That came over me again
So deep down was I
Drowning in the soil above me
And you keep pushing down more
Like you're trying to bury me

Relinquish

There's dust in my mind
Whenever I try to remember the past
There's mist replacing time
But the feelings will outlast
Sunk deep within myself
All the time it cost
And if you don't play, you cannot win
I played, we lost
How to crawl up again
To rise above the skyline
Take back what I lost
The things that used to be mine
Regain the control of my thoughts
And master my emotions
To reach inside of me
Give myself devotion
Listen to my own will
And live for it as far as I can go
To breathe for myself
Accept everything I know
This will not last forever
I shall not join the deceased
One day I'll conquer
One day I'll be released

Smile With The Morning

Chains in my legs to prevent me from going my own way
They're all dragging me down
Forcing me in their direction
Why is everyone pushing me around?
To make them all feel better
We sacrifice my will
And they put up these expectations
That I could never fulfill
For what if I won't get better?
The thought struck me from time to time
Forever tortured in the rain of fire
Haunted in the same prime
The golden morningsun came smiling jeerfully
It's breaking me over and over again
That I cannot smile with the rest of the world
Something so plain
Seems so out of reach for me

Breaking Down

Poison imagination throbs through my mind
Forever, they are whispering in my ear
If I created them, then why can't I remove them?
Like water, just to wash away the austere
Tire broke into my body
But they are jeering me with laughter
And now I feel so alone again
Who could find me in my head thereafter?
A complicated being will never be able to deal
With themselves and in what they drown
Dreams when you're wide awake seems so real
They will make you break down

Punishment

As they cut my face with shreds of time
Because I couldn't catch up
After a long time running I sat down to rest
And I didn't rise again
So they punished me for not trying
Confusion got out of hand
And broken bones didn't matter
They cut my face with shreds of me
To bring new kind of tears to life
Streaming through my soul
Tormenting fire burns inside my mind
For I've been bad, for I have lied
Desperation turned to panic
But it still hurt too much to move
Painkillers cannot let me rest
They came to punish, you see

Blacked Eyes

Bitterness crawls under your skin
You can feel the taste in your veins
And as the most beautiful smile was killed
Torn out and only illness remains
Depression sourced in the lung
That quickly was filled with stone
And in every breath you felt the weight
How heavy you were on your own
Who would understand with these smilies
Of how it could crumble you in different ways
How to explain the hurt inside of you
Or that you're ablaze
The brain isn't working like it should
When there's so damn much on your mind
And if you can't even remember
Whatever lays behind
Then mustn't you be blind?

Erasable

It pains my eyes to see how far this went
The deeper blue, higher sky
So much more unreachable in the present
Than I ever thought I'd come by

As my feet feels like as if made of stone
I rarely get out of my shell
And the feelings are to me well-known
When some days are just another new-born hell

Sometimes curiosity makes me wonder
How I managed to sink this deep
And I dragged them with me far under
As if they'd stay with the black sheep

The girl who cannot rest
Her nightmares coming alive
That seems insane to the unpossessed
But the empathic could connive

Behind a steel-worn face
Hidden emotions with perfection
Carried out with full grace
Shattered in her own protection
It's not erasable

A new way

Another pathetic poem
Of the same damn complications
How many different sentances can I make
How many different formations
Out of the same dirt and soil
That I got stuck in
When will my poems form a solution
So I can begin again
Start on my new chapter
That I dream of so damn much
When will I be ready,
To live on without my pills as a crutch
As I can feel things that aren't there
My mind reaches a loaded state
Out of logic and sense and reality
And I just cannot think straight
Something captured me in this matter
How will it end?
Maybe when I change my ways
Or when I would stop to pretend
Embrace the problems in public
Stop pushing the truth away
Deal with myself
Not a single fake smile would show on my face
Let's rise this new day

Sleepless

Wide open eyes
I don't dare to close them
Time passes by slowly
And I don't dare to move
I cannot sleep

My head is full of darkness
Crawled inside an innocent mind
Screaming in my head
No one else can hear them
I'm insane and I cannot sleep

Heavy breaths she draws occasionally
Night is growing bigger, brighter, darker
But I'm still awake
And I am still afraid
An edge too damn steep

Broken thoughts turns into dust
I am still awake
The world is resting peacefully
Sunrise burns my eyes this time
Depression rooted pretty deep

Four-thirty, five-fifteen, eternity
Time is watching me
And anxiety can see right through me
Reading my every breath
And I still cannot sleep

Screams

Hands in my head
Reaching for my thoughts
'Cause they wouldn't dare me my privacy
I only faced ignorance
Wherever I went

And every word I spoke
Was gently taken care of
They put my sentences in a folder
Along with my emotions
They wouldn't spare me my mind

But the heartbeats couldn't tell
How painful it was
For I am normal
There's nothing wrong with me
Apparently I am okay

If my lungs would run out of air
Filled with soil instead
Thick dirt in my veins
Thick dirt running through my brain
And a buried mind somewhere

My Violet Sky

As the world is crying
Little drops on my hands
And I'm living in my violet sky
For what could make me more real?

I prefer my dreamland sometimes
When the world is too raw
And the summer days have never been this cold
The sunlight has never been so cold before

Cracks on my wall
It's falling down on me
It's all coming down on me now
Reality would strike me hard

Punished for hiding
For living in my head
They'd come to drag me back
To the cold summer days

loneliness

And as the panic would strike me
In my chest late at night
I wonder why the hell I cannot breathe

And you make me feel dead
Why am I still walking?
Why would no one come to rescue me?

Could they even?

When I would push them away
How come I claim for rescue?

I left myself alone

I'll Try To Explain

When the world around you seems to brighten up
The summer came to sing you it's song
And everyone's smiling, everyone's glad
But still you cannot belong?
And you try to smile like the rest of them
You really try so fucking hard
But cannot stay calm
'Cause you're still on your guard
In these times it tends to come strike you
Take your breath away
You might have had rest for some time
But you know this will betray
For it always returns
To drag you down again
Will you always be living like this
On the edge to insane
And the bridges you burned
For the fright was too intense
To be left behind by the ones who cared
You built a wall so damn immense
And you confuse yourself
Something inside you is misplaced
Like a growing, black hole
Or a rope 'round your waist
Making in difficult to breathe
Something so plain
Is so damn straining to you
And what will remain?
When it's finally over
When you've gone through
The things breaking the person you were
What will be left of you?

Depressions

When you cannot escape
Nor beat it back
How could you handle,
Losing the track?
When it's all coming down on you
To strike you real hard
And you still weren't dealt
The winning card
Crushed towards the asphalt
The issues laying on your shoulders
And is it just you
Or is the world getting colder?
The same old story
Did they stop to believe?
Since you're still not okay
Things you still couldn't achieve
When you find no real reason
To why the hell you're crying
And use the old cliché;
That inside you're dying
When you think that you're improving
But no sadness would decrease
Or when you're so fucking tired
But still can't find no peace

loss of the purest smile

Time past by as the rain would hit the ground
We couldn't catch it
Like snowflakes on your tongue
Your smile would tell me stories of childhood
And the sweetness in earth
While I was devoured by the bitter soil

We walked hand in hand through centuries
You bathing in sunshine
And I was drenched in rain
I guess the ocean longed for your pureness
When it swallowed you whole
When it swallowed your soul

The forbidden hunger and life isn't fair
But the snow would still fall
Even though no pureness caught them
The flakes came to strike me down again
They blamed me for letting go
They claimed me for your smile

Jag lägger mig på rygg
Väntar på att ensamheten ska domna bort
Väntar på att det svarta ska domna bort
Men det domnar aldrig
Intensiv smärta
Som biter mig, sväljer små delar
Tar mer och mer av den jag var
Vem blir jag?

Beyond Speech

You'll have to walk your own way
And no one else can sew you whole
It's easier to fix a broken leg but
Who could ever see a tormented soul?

When there's something you can't touch
A damage you cannot reach
Something torn apart somewhere inside
Beyond human vision and speech

I believed so much in our strong world
'Cause that was all there was
But how developed are we really
When we don't even have words for the other side of us

Try to stick a needle in my head
See if it'd make me less broken
And all the bricks on my lungs
All these emotions left unspoken

And I just want to rest my head
Since I'm not that damn strong
I used to be but she broke me down
And now I'm so fucking wrong

Someday I shall come again
I'll break right through this despair
There's too much I long for
One day, I'll be out there

I'd like to Escape Reality

I want to nail my feet to the ground
To prevent myself from floating away
For I tend to leave reality
When it seems to be a bad day
The meadow is much more comfortable
The grass could never stake my body through
And there is no coldness, nor any hurt
As I stare up in the sky oh blue

When anxiety reaches it's peak on these raw nights
The world seems so hard
Like the warm surface would only be colorful concrete
And am I the only one restless to regard?
When I finally fall asleep on the morning side
I sleep in the arms of loneliness
To turn in the world's silence
That only tells me about the emptiness

Like I walk around with a dagger in my heart
Something could twist it in 180 degrees
And even though it would never kill me
It would neither make the anxiety appease
And the ache could come anytime
Like a fracture somewhere within
When I try to hide from all of it
The sharpness is pushed further in

Absolution

What will be my evolution?
For all the days I lost I've got the blame
When will be my absolution?
Then I'll be free from shame
To find the right solution
And not that I'm insane
When my angst will come to it's diminution
And there will be no constant pain
To make a resolution
That I won't go too deep
Since my head has caused me this persecution
All the nights when I couldn't sleep
When the hurt has gotten a dilution
It won't feel so damn hard to survive
This will come as my revolution
When I'll finally feel alive

Behind The Words That Never Reached Any Man's Tounge

It's sunrise, the start of a new day
For fragile emotions to burn
As the doubting beams gleam over the rooftops
There's a new world for which I yearn
'Cause I've been observing these rituals for long
Every morning is unique
Still I can't get rid of this anguish
For I'm still so goddamn weak
And how could I explain to you
How much these times mean to me
To see the world I've longed for
Since I'm not out there, I'm not free
The windows are just not of glass
But held by things humans have got no words for
We thought we could express ourself
But what's the word for when your inside's sore?
When you're falling even though you're standing still
And it feels like hundred bricks on your chest
When something inside of you is eating you up
And even though you're tired you can't find no rest
What's the cure for spilled childhood
The times when I'd rather disappear
When I dream of a meadow of pureness
Still I tend to wake up to find that I'm still here
In my depression, locked up inside
The world's silence, they're too far away
All of them wanted to help me but
None could find the right way

Bombing Me

I'm not sure if I disappoint myself more
Than the ones I care for
I'm rotting here in my tomb
In hell, at the second floor
And the skies burn red from all the rage
From inside they feast on me
Not reachable, not stoppable
The hurt that was released inside of me
And the raindrops are bombs on my head
Echoing inside this fragile scale
Go ahead, read me
'Cause I cannot veil
And the inner storm continues more or less
Since the hurt already past it's crest
Even though I'm calming down
I still can't give my body no rest
I'm running away once more
I don't want to stay unstable
And am I just another mad man?
Can you find me a label?
But then please find me a cure
To keep my inner candle
To get rid of my hurt
Something I can handle

The Shame

I can taste the bitterness
When I'm trying to sleep
And the stings in my chest
For the memories I had to keep
That poisoned my head
And drove me insane
But I was too afraid
To ever complain
For the distrust that went on
The inner battles I faced
And still questioning
Why I was the only one not embraced
I felt so damn wrong
Life if I was covered in dirt
I think it scarred me
Since I still fucking hurt
And I hide my face
'Cause I'm full of shame
Since I hate what I am
What I became
To run from the past
And hide in a disguise
And I keep isolating myself
This is the prize
To not break into pieces
I stay in a zone more or less abstract
Just to not fall apart
But to keep myself intact

Storm Inside

So much can be said without words
But who would ever mind?
If someone is breaking
'Cause there lays a comfort in being blind
Like when the world is hurting me
Kicking me on the ground
Beating my smiles out
Inside the anxiety would resound
Echoing inside of this shell
So full of emotions
And while my face is turning grey
My inside is full of commotion
The screams of my ghosts
How they play with my head
And how could I ignore
When my inside's so shred?
And the ache came to conquer
Somewhere in my heart it chose to root
And only with tire and tears
Is the way I refute
'Cause it's like an inner combat
And my body's my cage
With no place to hide
When it lets out it's rage

Relations

Like all these goddamn memories
Has anyone got to me yet?
I'm just gonna put them in a box
To try to forget
What the hell happened
Why were I hated?
Sometimes you confuse me,
What if this all was just something I created?
In my head, in my mind
Would this satisfy?
You broke me
This I couldn't deny
Still it hurts
And you're the one I blame
For so long I bent my head down
But now you're the one to carry the shame!
Flowers are withering
But how could they survive?
I guess we're all gonna die some day but
You and I were never alive

Insanity

My body itches
And the tears corrode
So many feelings
Makes me wanna explode
Like bugs under my skin
Am I going insane?
Like they're screaming for me
While they're just in my brain
And I hate this illness
How it turns
From being alright
And then how it burns
Running down my throat
Like acid or broken glass
All these feelings
That just won't pass!
It's been like this for so damn long
And it just won't go
I've come to the point where I'd just rather
Shut my eyes and lay low

Outsider

I haven't seen her
For such a long time
But I remember her in the couch
With a glass of red wine
I guess it wasn't much
Nothing concrete
Still she managed to break me
Still she made me incomplete
I guess I just wanted to be accepted
I wanted to belong
'Cause no matter how much I thought about it
I couldn't understand what I did wrong
How was I not like my sisters
How did I stand out so much
That I deserved to be treated
So badly in her clutch
For many years I lived like this
All the time I tried
To figure out why I was wrong?
Why was I put aside?
And dad didn't notice
Was he blind or did he deny?
How she carved marks in me with only her eyes
That still can make me cry

I'm breaking them

The ones close to me, the ones I love
Their sad faces make me ache
For I never wished to hurt them
Still I managed to make them break

Why can't I keep my troubles for myself
So they won't have to suffer
'Cause when they care so much
They just made my path tougher

Still don't turn away from me
I don't want to be forgotten
'Cause in my loneliness they still never left me
Deep inside I'm so damn rotten

It's like it's contagious
My fucking disease
Joy is what it feasts on, to bring out the dark
The moments I wanted to sease

When I was stuck behind my square of glass
I couldn't take a step outside
Still I longed for the beauty in this world
To not have to abide

Filled with Concrete

I feel full of concrete
It's heavy only to breathe
I try to be discreet
I'll just have to proceed

I'm just so damn afraid
Trying to be less insecure
All these walls I've made
What were they ever good for?

I try to seem okay I guess
But sometimes it just gives in
To distract the audience from my badness
A surface made of rusty tin

Here I am, neurotic!
Why was my brain the fucked up one!?
Trying to keep my skin thick
Trying to hold thoughts which weighs a ton

On these weak shoulders
You can place your burden on me
To make me harder, make me colder
So far away from the one I'm supposed to be

Left behind or the one who left

All these dull mornings
The coffee as my drug supplier
And even though I slept all night
I'm still so full of sorrow and tire

And then it hits me in my chest
Is this all I've lost!?
All the times I ran away
And kept my fingers crossed

When the sun will arrive again
And not only for awhile
Will I stand alone for once and for all
Or will they still be patient and smile

For of my stupidity and when drenched in shadows
I've done things in my despair
But the things they never saw;
I was too afraid to stay there

I've smiled recently and I've tried so hard
To be like I used to
But still what's echoing inside
All these emotions I can't break through

All these lonely nights
Wanna join and break me, apply here
'Cause now my demons are trying
To drench my burning fire

All these days has past
Still I'm a professional crier
People came and people left
How long can I stay denier?

When the storm has gone by
In the end I just broke them all
They relied on me
And I dragged them with me in my fall

I guess it's time to go
And I'm the only one still living in yesterday
They say I'm not alone but
Then why do they turn away

I feel so left behind
And mostly I'm a mess
This is no excuse but
In the end I abandoned them I guess

Towards the Cement

The fire laughs at me
And the sound rings like death in my ears
They're trying to get into me
My demons and ghosts
Haunting me
Hiding in the smoke
My heart is filled with pain
And my head with lies
Like a tumor in my chest
Panic is growing
And I'm stuck in between these walls
That I've built up so carefully

I made an armour of cement
To not get stung by the sun
To not let them carve in my skin
The nightmares that I still try to forget
This shield that I wanted
Is running out of air
And the feelings are growing
Like a scream wanting to get out
Is pushed towards the surface
But the armour is still not breaking
The scream is growing
Damped by the cement
And inside I'm hurting
Inside I'm breaking down

Mission Impossible

My warmth
Erased or replaced
Left my body
With nothing but cold
The affection
Like electricity
Disappeared in my shadows
And left place for the ghosts
Still haunting me
Like cancer in my head
Still stabbing me
To watch me bleed
Out the joy and energy
That I try so desperately to keep

Tire and sadness
Like a broken ashtray
I spilled out my mind
For everyone to read
For everyone to taste
But the bitterness
Drove them away
And the cancer grew
So I pushed the people away
To not get too close
They couldn't comfort me
Or heal me
Mission impossible
Mission uncompleted

Breaking Down

And you cut me down
But this wouldn't satisfy you
This wasn't enough for you

To get inside me
Only to pick my head apart
And all my thoughts were spread out

To mind my own business
But you couldn't stay with yours
Did you enjoy to watch me break down?

Loneliness

The loneliness came to conquer me
Crawled inside my heart
How many smiles did pass me this year?
Like darkness came to steal them
I shouldn't have let them go
But I was too weak, to busy with breathing
Heavily, with bricks on my lungs
Sadness was growing
For not a huge reason
And I became afraid of living
I'm afraid of breathing
Darkness swallowed me whole
Spit me out in hell
To torture me

Abstract

I'm not touched by spring anymore
Like the warm breeze blows right thought me
And the beauty of this world
Escaped from my palm
To show me it's shadows instead

I'm not enjoying these times anymore
They've exchanged with angst and tire
I lost the lust to explore
I've already seen too much badness
I never thought I'd lost that strong burning fire

My body crumbles from the noise
Your breathing turns to screams
It's not like I've made this choice
To be haunted by death in my dreams
Losing myself in this violence

And all this pain, all this hurt
Is it my redemption?
Have I been bad, what did I do wrong?
I wouldn't get an exemption,
Why can't I belong?

Bitterness had aged me too fast
And I weren't strong enough to keep my mind
Tearing my eyes when I'm reminded of the past
The one I used to be,
The one I left behind

Break

My head is storming
My body's breaking down
I guess I'm on the edge now
I guess I should accept the crown
For the weakest being
To walk on earth
At least one single price
That I'm worth
I didn't really know
What I did wrong
Why the hell did she hate me?
I wondered for so long
Why did depression get closer to me
Than my friends could ever come?
And why did I embrace it
The loneliness that would make me numb
Affection got terrifying
And crowds pained me
How could I explain my fear
That stained me
It hits me
Every moment awake
All of this
Made me break

Fire

The flame burns
Makes my skin peel
But deep inside
There's still a storm I feel

The ashes choke me
Venom fumes to make my lungs collapse
The addicting poison
To make me relapse

The nature's beauty enchants
The fire deceives me
And the smoke tells me
That it came to leave me free

How could I breathe
When you're taking all air?
How could I sleep
When I'm drowning in despair?

And the fire would burn me
I can feel it in the night
Like when the invisible flame blinds me
The darkness is too bright

And even if I'd shut my eyes
It's still there to blow me out
To never let me rest
Drain my brain and make me shout

Your Smile is Filling Me

I love it when I've got your attention
I love it when you're near
But if I have to be honest
If I want to be sincere
Your presence is dear to me
But is hurting me so cruelly
And faking my feelings
Is getting harder, truly
I tried to stop with these poems
To not pressure you
But I've gotta tell someone
How much I treasure you
I know you'll never love me
And it's killing me
I try to move on but
Your smile is still filling me
Emptiness is what I feel
In between sorrow and hurt
Somewhere in the middle
My head is filled with dirt
It's not like I want you here
It's not like I want you back
I'm trying to get past you
So cut me some slack?
I don't want your sympathy
I'll be okay on my own
Don't expect an honest answer
Just leave me alone

Sorry I'm Not Better

They scream in my ears
How could I ignore it?
I am going insane!?
I feel so damn split

And I don't think you could deal with my darkness
You wouldn't find me glamorous at all
I'd rather not bring you down with me
Drag you with me in my fall

You don't know anything
About the pressure I feel
I'm sorry I'm not better!
But don't blame me 'cause I can't deal

I'm sorry the meds aren't working
And making you feel better makes me feel worse
I know you worry
But the effect of your caring is reversed

Inside

Cut me open
Take a look inside
What can you find?
What can you find?

Keep me wide open
Have a look inside
What would you find?
What would you find?

And I died
Like I flower
Withered
I cried
Like a cloud
Darkening
I hide
Like if running
From life

Cut me open
Would you dare
To find out
What hides
Inside

ångest gör dig levande, eller i värsta fall död

när kärleken rinner mellan dina fingrar
och tårarna fräter hål på ögonlocken
så kan man inte längre blunda och önska
att man inte var ensam längre
det är ditt eget fel
det var du som isolerade dig
känner dig död men
det är nog bara önsketänkande
för ångest får en att känna sig så levande
då man önskar att man inte var det

Fear

I'll drain my body
To quench your thirst
For life and meaning
My mind is cursed
My body is crumbling
Things intimidating
Blaming me
The things I was creating
In my head
In my heart
This wrath grew
That'd come to tear me apart
And under my nails
There's someone else's skin
I scratched them open
And wore thin
Someone's blood
Is pumping through my veins
To fill my brain with their thoughts
I'm tied up in chains
Bound to my problems
And bound to my guilt
For being so selfish
The walls that I built
To keep everyone in a distance
To not let them come near
After all
I might just be full of fear

Love

You poison my mind
With hope and warmth
Affection is a drug
With wrath inside
Addicting and painful
When you breathe in it's truth
If I'd come to love you
I would break again
I don't want more pain
I don't want more justice
For this is what I deserved
Don't bring me hope
About loving you
Smiles damn true
For I'm a razor
And I'll cut us both wide open

Blood-Red Sky is Black

Mourn the moon
Blood spilled tonight
Colored the sky red
But darkness took too much place
Where can we find it?
Cravings of the night
Hearts filled with shadows
And weakness
Belongs to only the one
Who seeks

Yesterday

Happy tears
Like a sparkling crown
I wore my joy
But then
You brought me down

Like when I couldn't take this
When I chose to leave
When I chose to hide
And I still put up excuses
That I still try to believe

I think about it often
Mostly the past
But what happened and dreams unfulfilled
Float together
And I can't see no contrast

The more time is ticking
The more you disappear
The smile, the feelings
I used to be sure you'd always stay there,
As an image in my mind, still clear

As I live in yesterday
I'm losing tomorrow
Fear for close relations
Fear from being hurt
This fills me with your sorrow

the Way Back to Yesterday

Do you remember the joy of youth
No problems involved
The summer nights and Christmas Eve
When tears weren't a daily ration
When pain where still a mystery
And crowds were less intimidating
Life just as it should be

But then we woke up
To grow up fast
Somewhere in the middle
We stayed
Somewhere in the middle
They put our place
And mom was crying,
Dad frightened us
Still we're desperately trying to find our way
Back to yesterday

Lies

You get me down
On knees to let you in
Caressing me with words and whispers
Softly touching my skin
And speaking of affection
Days we could've had
The kiss we never shared
You drive me mad
And I knew all along
That if I'd choose to impart
It wouldn't be long
Until you'd pick me apart

Blame

I turned around
I faced the crowd
They were all staring
Their eyes made me nauseous
Burned holes in my skin

I stood in front of them
Screamed out loud
From fear and pain
To be left alone
I felt so small again

Youth's innocence
Had left me
Blame had come with winter
And it didn't turn to flee
Blame had come to stay
Somewhere inside of me

My Thoughts Unspoken

I just want to lie down
And sleep forever
Live in my sweetest dreams
And I won't have to wake up,
No I'll never

And it's okay
If you stay for awhile
Just to breathe with me
Just to keep me alive
Before my trial

I really screwed this up
Didn't I?
This time I blew it
I lost the world
'Cause I didn't try

I don't want to be left alone
I need you to stay near
But one day, when everyone's gone
Left in loneliness
I won't shed a tear

I don't want to lose
But I'm just too damn broken
While others see me whole
I'm torn apart,
With my words left unspoken

Bittersweet Spirit

Bittersweet spirit
Drunk by the ogres
Hiding in hell
In between these walls
The beast rests
Just to be sure
You won't open the gates
And let it's shadow out
To rule and reign
Over 'em all
Over us all
And quench his thirst
With our
Bittersweet spirits

a Crowd in the Smoke

Like walking though a fog
I don't want to go ahead
Since I can't see what's coming
So I hide inside my head

I don't have the courage
I guess I'm not strong enough
So I lay myself down
The big world seems so damn tough

Maybe I'm not the only one in this smoke
But others go on anyway
Even though they're scared
What's wrong with me?
Why ain't I strong enough to save the day?

I find nothing out there
Worth fighting for
Would you fight for me?
Am I worth it anymore?

The days I spend
In my corners of guilt
Darkening myself with shame
The dreams I killed
That no one fulfilled

Like an eye can be filled with
Both pain and hate
Even though none of us were
Left with an empty plate

Ourself is still the only one
We're pitying
And I still damn myself
For hanging on this string

Heaven's Infected

Heaven's infected
And we hear an angel's roar
Taken over by hate
Taken over by sorrow
With burning wings he curses heaven
Screaming out loud
Like poison in our ears

Heaven's infected
And an angel will die
Painfully he'll burn up
The fire of lust
Hopefully he'll burn up
Forbidden feelings in paradise
He belongs in hell

Heaven's infected
But we're not taking notice
at all

i'm faking it

and I hate you for loving me
I hate the world we live in
I hate my doubting heart
and my body stained with sin

for living hasn't given me anything
and hurting got me through
thy world is full of sadness
this world I cannot subdue

and frustration inside me
for being so damn proud
I'm faking it, I'm faking it!
and then I hide in the crowd

I've gotta get to learn myself
before I can last
and keep my sight ahed of me
just to forget my past

'keep your chin high
but don't forget to bow'
this is how we act among
emotions we should not show

calm my head

I tend to lose myself
when someone would confess to me
I guess I'm under pressure
afraid they wouldn't like what they see

so I wear this fake disguise
and start another act
I tend to ruin things
to keep myself intact

still I've got more traces and scars
then no eye could see
I know life ain't supposed to be easy but
why is breathing made so heavily!?

my trembling body trying to be still
it's like my storming head
need to keep myself detained
to not feel my dread

I think I'm scared of life
and what it could do to me
I think I'm scared to die
and to face everything I see

I miss the feeling of being loved
to know that someone would care
but I don't think I'm worth it
life weren't made to be fair

I'm terrified

Another day is passing by
And one more time, the sun will set
I weren't touched by light today

Cars are passing by
People are living their lives
While I'm locked up in myself
What am I afraid of?

Spring is coming
Winter is fading
But how do I spend my time?

Headaches and chest pains
Depression and anxiety
Why am I so damn sad?

Have I been bad?

And the wind bites me
The sun pains my eyes
But I can't live through a window

Why do I feel that I'm not ready for this world
I already faced troubles
We overcame, who can I blame?
Except. For. Me.

Spring is coming
Winter is fading
But how do I spend my life?

What makes me so afraid?
IS life that cruel?
I'm terrified.

To run away

I'd like to cut my hair
Dye it and change my clothes
Paint my nails, run away
And just become someone else
I could change my name
Forget my dreams
Forget the past
And just become someone else
Since there's nothing
That makes it worth the pain
To stay

to Hide Behind A Smile

Have you ever felt this panic in your chest?
Making it so damn painful to breathe
Just wanting to crawl up in a dark corner
When the world's too big, indeed

Wanting to hide from your problems
You don't need friends anyway
So much better off alone
Since you'd only scare them away

With your depression and your hurt
All this mess you live in
The darkness you've become
And all the sorrow hiding under your skin

Have you ever felt alone?
Wishing there was someone beside
Someone strong enough to hold you together
That you'd never push aside

Since this is what you do
When someone gets too close
You tried to figure why but
You keep tipping on your toes

Not letting them see
What's underneath these eyes
The tears at night and the constant hurt
Since you wear this disguise

Not giving those who care a reason
For why you'd turn reserved and hostile
When joy is too hard to fake
When you can't hide behind a smile

Kan Ett Piller Få Mig Att Le?

Jag lever i min verklighet. Lever i
min skit. Vill inte andas längre.
Vill inte försöka. Med böcker
på lungorna och med krav tunga
som tegelstenar på axlarna, vill jag
bara vila. En sömn som aldrig tar
slut. Med brännande blickar i
ryggen, vill jag bara försvinna.
Med alla jävla sociala prövningar,
som ger mig ångest. All osäkerhet
som flödar i mig blir till skakningar
och kramp i bröstet. Gör det tungt
att andas. Gör det tungt att leva.
Varför är jag ledsen? Varför gråter
jag? Skapar jag inte mina egna
problem? Borde jag inte kunna ta
mig ur dem då? Och fuckingjävla
Zoloft. Cipramil, Fontex, Seroxat.
De säger att jag är sjuk. Men är
det inte bara ett annat namn för
Alvedon och Ipren? Kan ett piller
lyfta böcker och dämpa skakningar?
Kan ett piller ge mig livslust igen?
Kan ett piller få mig att le?

Noose 'Round My Neck

It's been so long
Time goes fast
I guess I was stupid
Who'd think it would last
Open wounds
I thought was healed
But yet they're bleeding
So this was real?
The hurt
Was supposed to go
Away with love
But I guess it just couldn't
lay low

I tried to be independent
I tried to stand strong
I thought I'd be okay alone
I guess I was wrong
For I'm back again
I suffer
From things unreal
They've become tougher
Strangling me
Can't anyone see,
The noose 'round my neck
Keeping me in my world,
impossible to flee

Things to live for
I call them my stars
But in a black, winter night
I can only see scars
From anxiety
And days so bad
They thought I was better
Keeping this in is driving me mad!
You say I'm worth living for
But have I been fair?
I've only made your life worse
And the ones I push aside,
was the ones to care

You never Died

Go ahead, try again
Can you do my job better?
Slit your wrists, stop breathing
Write your suicide letter
Find the glamour
In my hurt
And then discover the truth;
To lay down in the dirt
Cry for your lost soul
'Til you see
That you turned inte to broken body
That you tried to be
Try harder
You're almost there
Though you'll never be me
You never had a lack of air
You never was overwhelmed by hate
You'd never leave wounds open wide
Hoping to bleed to death
You never died

My world turning Black

Two fucking weeks
I thought I was doing well
I never expected this to come back
My history was hell
And I smiled for real
Laughed indeed
But now I'm back again
Yes, now I bleed
For the oceans are drowning me
Sucked me down again
And the horror were over
But now I feel the rain
Hitting my chest
Like bombs from the sky
I won't try to hide it
Won't try to deny
Motherfucking sick
Never been sane
Don't want to breathe
I cannot explain
Anxiety and depression
Sitting on my back
Heavy as hell
My world turning black

Shadows In The Snow

A layer of virgin snow
So innocent and pale
No matter where I try to go
I always tend to fail
A light smoke above the frozen lake
Poison for us to inhale
And in the snow
A human left it's trail

The sound of reality fades away
As I stare out on this lovely view
Ghosts and shadows cast their mood
But I just see through
For I am charmed by the lights
Reflecting in my eye
And for once
I'm not afraid to die

Push Aside This Sorrow

Broken inside
And outside I'm falling apart
Get myself in these positions
Where I end up with a broken heart

How can a heart
Be stabbed so many times
Why do I deserve depression?
I haven't done no crimes

When the world seem to turn against
Like it wants me to pull the trigger
And when I won't
This hole is growing bigger

Let me give up
And sleep under the sky
Leave this mess
I don't want to try

I want to be whole again
I want a sane head
But ain't got no energy to fix this
So now I just need me dead

I wanted so long
To stop breathing
I tried some times
Without succeeding

I opened up
But just got hurt
And was left with wounds
'Cause by actions I couldn't revert

And I've tried so long
To stay alive
With this sorrow
That I tried to push aside

I won't give up
I promised not to
I'll keep running
I'll keep hurting
But I won't subdue

Estranging Me

Here we go again
My chest shivering
Broken, lost but not dead
And shoulders quivering

I feel so messed up
I feel so mislead
Let down
Like the times I bled

I try to tell myself
When my heart feels like a stone
Every fucking day
That I can make it alone

But in reality I'm just so small
Insecure and frail
Trying to hide this fact
With my heart full of nails

Stabbed in the back
And kicked on the ground
Broken in another piece
That can never be found

Losing parts of me
With every strike
The things I'm not supposed to do
The things you dislike

Is what I am made of
That you're trying to change
You're removing me
Making me strange

Accept me
For the choises I make
For the one I am
For every single mistake

Friendship

I'm attached to him,
he's attached to me
And drenching me in guilt,
everytime I try to fly free
Anxiety tags along with his face in my head,
instead of lifting me, he just makes me fall
Things I cannot do
Things I'm not supposed to
He makes me crawl
People I can't be around
He's the only one I can hang on to
And he's pushing me down
I feel so damn small
I want me to end
I need me to end
He weren't such a good friend after all

Lost And Alone

he meant much to me
and everyday I see myself fake
the relation he wants us to have
the expectation will make me break

for the first time in my life
I could've been free
Independence in doing what I want
the things that makes him disagree

he makes me promise
things I don't want to
like I owe him
and he'll always pursue

in my mind, in my head
he's made his way in
when I was sore and vulnerable
he got deep under my skin

and turned the one I was
into the one I used to be
the one I wanted to forget
the destiny I tried to flee

and now I can't stand this
I'm stuck
I want to sleep forever
get rid of my bad luck

and I lie
'cause I'm too weak
can't say no
to his goddamn technique

like before
I'm being tossed and thrown
and like before
I'm lost and alone

Sleep Forever

Let me sleep forever
To forget the world around me
Always claiming
The one I used to be

Let me sleep this month
To cover up my bad nights
Full of panic
I'd lose them with delight

Let me sleep a lifetime
So I won't have to deal
With all this fucking mess
The pain I constantly feel

Let me sleep forever
For I don't want to stay
I never recover from the kicks
I can't take another day

Don't Break Me

You ripped me up
Tore me down
In the ocean of tears
Just to let me drown

And deep inside
A heart is supposed to beat
Used to do this for you
Once you made me complete

Can you see this smile losing purity
And my face breaking
You couldn't have torn my heart out
Since I still can feel it aching

We do this over and over again
A game you adore
But next time we won't
I can't let you break me no more

SOD OFF!

And where were you
When I died inside
Where were you
When I just couldn't abide
You blame me
For doing this wrong
It's my fucking breathing we're talking about
I'm the one who's not strong
And you have no fucking idea
What the hell I'm talking about
You're not on the edge
With thoughts you want out
Maybe you know alot
But maybe I know more about me
You say that I know everything but
Maybe both can't agree?
I might just be childish
But so the hell are you!
I'm not listening,
but hell, then we're two!
You can't believe that someone younger
Can have something to say
Automatically it's all just bullshit
Who'd like to listen at someone who thinks that way?
You want me to listen, to understand
Then give me something aswell
Take in my words
And we won't yell
Right now I'm full of anger
You know alot, that's true
But what the hell, sod off!
You've got no idea what I go through

In the end

I've got a bad feeling
Biting me
Slowly eating
The one I used to be

I've got some bad experiences
And a bad past
For the things I've done
Scars will always last

I don't know how I do it
I must be a mistake for real
For all of this mess I've made
I don't have no energy to deal

People tend to turn against me
Something I create
I always do things wrong
I can feel their hate

Looks burning my back
As I walk away
For I am not pleased with myself
For I have few reasons to stay

Who will take my party?
Who will stand beside
Even if I manage to screw this
Who'd understand why I hide

No one lasts forever
No matter what you say
It's always lies in the end
I'm always alone at the end of the day

I might seem better
But I taught myself to keep it inside
I'm sorry for being so goddamn weak
I'm sorry I lied

Sleep Away The Sadness

Like a cloud above me
Bringin me rain
Like salt in these sore wounds
Bringing me pain

Like I'm bare in a winter
Frozen in deep
A cold heart and a cold mind
I need some sleep

Sleep away this problems
Sleep away this mess
And if I sleep forever
I might even lose this sadness

Dead

Innocent drops on my head
Echoing inside of me
For I am empty

Like a moment can fill me
But the feelings can't stay
For I am only a shell

I used to sparkle
And I was full of smiles
But in the end I'm nothing

Innocent drops on my head
Like an angel crying above me
For I am lost
For I am dead

Goodbye

A foot on the edge
And my back towards this beautiful place
'Cause now
I turn away

I can feel the scent from a flower
Spring just came
A perfect day
To turn away

As I close my eyes
For the sky oh blue
Remember
Summer days

So young, had no idea
How croul this world could be
And smiles always was for real
Happiness always was for real

And I reach out my arms
To welcome it all
The last chance to be vulnerable
Before I fall

It takes forever
Before I hit the ground
Such a feeling
And my birth
Such a waste
I was too weak
To enter this world
I was too weak
To enter this place
To take this shit
Loaded upon these weak shoulders
They said I was strong
But now
I've proved they were wrong
Sorry I couldn't try
This is goodbye

Refuse This

Words full of emptiness
I'm deaf towards your screams
Refuse these
Fights

Black eyes hide sorrow
And anger hides tears
Refuse these
Nights

No matter how much you scream
No matter how much you strike
You'll never hide the fact
That we're so alike
In words and lack of compassion
In thoughts and emotions
But you'll never reach
My devotions

I'll take my
Rights
I refuse these
Fights

Used

sometimes darkness terrifies me
and I almost drop dead
the screams in my ears
they're just in my head?
no one can hear them
scratch in the wall
except for me
and I feel so damn small
for fire and light
warmth and affection
has left me forever
for another direction
they left me for cold
and for depression
they left me alone
and in this aggression
for never finding truth
and always being used
for nothing but lust
and always left confused
it's my turn to give up
it's fucking my turn to die
to not care
it's my turn to not rely

Not to Die

You could choose to give up
Choose to give in
Lay down in the cold
Split up your skin
You could ignore time
And close your eyes
Just forget about the past
But pain can arise

And even if you find nothing out there
Nothing to smile for
Even if you've lost things
And want them the way it was before
Even if it tastes great
With blood on your cheek
Even if you feel so
Goddamn weak
And can't find no reasons to try
But a chanse to say goodbye
You still promised me
Not to die

I'm Wrong

My passion

Will let me drown

And your compassion

Will slowly tear me down

And bring me into

A certain demise

And this is too

A cheap prize

To give up your mind

When it should have occured

That all we leave behind

Is fucking absurd

And this is the way

If you want to die

And still when they say

I'm trying to deny!

'Cause I know that I'm wrong

I know it's not worth this shit

Go along

Only to make it

Yes I'm fucking wrong

This thing won't revert

I tried to stand strong

But I always end up hurt

Fucked Up

Why should I go on
When it pleases no one?
I can only disappoint
Things I cannot do undone

And I try to work hard
To give them alot
But to live is for now
All that I've got

And to breathe is hard
But I still do it for you
And I try every fucking day
Even if my smile always ain't that true

To go on everyday
And just to wake up in the morning
Is straining enough
My body gives me a warning

That I have to ignore
Just to live on
That's why I tend to break down
These voices that me descend upon

And they are collecting my blood
In a simple, paper cup
Draining my head
And I'm so damn fucked up

No Air

Is there a point in talking perfectly,
when you can't state your mind
Is there a point in remembering,
when I can't rewind
Is there a point in marching,
when they don't care
Is there a point in breathing,
when there's no air

Stars

My dreams are my stars
Keeping me alive, making me try
And stars are so much more beautiful
In a black midnight sky

When I'm surrounded by darkness
All these things that make me stay
In this fucking hell
The things that light up my day

Friends who'll always be there
And be by my side
Those who really care
That would greive if I died

That don't want more from me
Then to know that I breathe
Who'd help me stand strong
Who'd never me mislead

My friends are my angels
Brought down to this living hell
Worth to live for
Worth to get out from my shell

Only to see
The beauty in people who care
Unreplaceable
Makin' me feel whole
In the things I can't repair

Things to march on for
Things to breathe for
And I'll live until
They don't care anymore

Love's a Disease

Strike me in the face
Get him out from my head
I've wasted so much blood
The times I fled

Instead of fighting
Instead of speaking clear
True honesty, this is what we never had
And an intention to be sincere

Every day makes me more sure
That I don't miss you at all
What hits me is
That I still crawl

'Cause you were the only one
Who'd come after me
Who'd give a damn
When I'm down on my knees

And cannot breathe
It hurts like hell
The thoughts that overwhelm me
And I'm not doing well

Love hurts
And gets you down on your knees
Only to torture you
It's a goddamn disease

I'm locked up in myself
Try to stay shut and not let emotions drain
And now I've promised myself
That I will never love again

This Is My Explanation

I don't ever ask nobody to come after me
I try to go away instead
Who the hell would choose to die inside every fucking day?
To barely get up from bed
I don't claim nor try to break down
I try to do the best I can
I try to stay alive
I try to not depend or ruin
I try to survive
And I know that I manage to lose friends
They want so much more
No not only know that I breathe
And then they shut their door
I lost so many
Those who meant so much!
And I learned
That I can't expect a crutch
'Cause this is way out of control
This is being sick
I fucking need some goddamn pills
And this is not a fucking trick
I promise you
That you don't want to know
All what's inside my head
I try to not show
These emotions I cannot shed
And now I finally understand
That I'm fucking depressed
I don't have the will to live
All these things of what I'm obsessed
I'm sorry,
but I don't have so much to give
I'm sorry,
I don't ask you to forgive
And I don't expect you to.

Love Will Suck the Marrow Out of Your Bones

My unspoken words are choking me
And I can't stop thinking of you
And what's killing me is
The memories I still hang on to

Love is a sickness
But is there an antidote?
Anxiety takes over me
When all my cries are stuck in my throat

You don't give a damn anymore
How can you forget the times we shared?
The feelings still overwhelm me
When I think back at when you still cared

Like a bird without wings
But you still did set me free
But in the marrow of my bones
I still just want you to hold me

A Friend

This is my broken world
You cared enough to join me
In depression, in anxiety
You acceoted the one I chose to be

And I'm sorry if I hurt you
When I'm so insecure
When all I've got left to hang on to
Is an image, frail and unsure

A thousand apologizes ain't enough
That I can't make you okay
'Cause even if I don't want to
I tend to do things the wrong way
I really don't want to
But I tend to betray

And I kind of noticed
Even though I'm fed up in my mind
You care for me like no one ever did
No, I'm not blind

Evem though I close my eyes
When the truth appears
Trying to not get hurt
Still I end up in tears

Like a porcelain doll dropped on the floor
Broken and useless
Even though that graceless apperance
You saw me through my sadness
Drove me out from madness
Don't let me lose you again

A Waterdrop

Sweet tasting ashes is running down my throat
When the flames are finally out
and only left the ruins of me
With no voice left to shout
And kick and scream and fight
No, Nothing’s left inside of me
But sorrow, but pain
There’s nothing left to see
I used to be a flower
I used to be so good
Now I’m just a shadow
I feel so damn misunderstood
For the fire’s long over
And you’ve moved on
While I’m still licking my wounds
Since you’ve gone

A word can’t make a sentence
And a rose can’t be a garden on it’s own
Just like a waterdrop can’t be an ocean
I can’t make it alone

Doomed

I can feel it hurt inside
Like a knife cutting deep
Yeh, Love surely can kill us
Push us down an edge steep

Like a bullet through the temple
I try to forget about you
Manage to erase my life
But not the memories we went though

I thought only drugs came in pills
Injections and powder
But apparently love is worse
LOVE IS WORSE!
Scream it louder

I don't say I miss you
That's not a rule for this game
I'm supposed to forget
Who do we blame?

And love will break the most vulnerable
Strangle you in your dreams
Follow you through your good times
When you wake up in screams

You're doomed

Back Again

And I might seem okay
While it's just a new shell
To not get hurt again
I seem to be doing well
I'm like I used to be
Before I started to impart
But,
is this me?

And I might seem okay
I'm tough again
To not let anyone in
To not let anyone get too close
While I'm dying inside
And to not show,
This is they way I suppose

How many pills in a row?

And I guess this is the way
We need to start isolate
Or we'll get hurt again,
Or we'll break down again
Like a trial we await
And a mask is
what we need to create

No one will notice
They will think I am okay
While I'm going back to my old habits
For I have to pay
For being alive
For every step that I take
'Cause I want to survive
I don't want to break
And I have to fake
For all of my mistakes
And to not have to
Partake
In the truth

You've Been Killing Me

Let me whisper,
with a breth damn chill.
Let me prove to you,
that we're standing still.
Please don't forget,
the things you did erase.
Please don't leave these
things we can't replace.
admit it,
that you're so damn blue.
admit it,
this is something you never knew.
And tell me,
that there's still someone inside.
The one I used to know,
the one I used to love.
The one you put aside.
The one who died.
And let me show you,
that I still care.
I'm just trying to damp this,
I turn around in my despair.
And sleep with your face in my head,
with your smile in my mind,
and my eyes burning red.
Soar and frail, erased.
I tend to fail and,
my life is just a waste.
Let's break the rules,
let's break out.
To forget about the past,
you're the drug I can't live without.
This is pretty much what it's all about.
When you set me free,
I realized that your were simply,
killing me.

Human

Lost in the dephs of time
Lost in the dephs of a mind
And the human
Always forgets

Broken in a scent of truth
Broken in their ways to be blind
And the human
Never forgives

Calling out in desperation
Calling out for help
But the human
Has always been merciless
And full of cowardly

Seeking to find the perfect truth
To calm my storming mind
But all we can find
Is this greed
Growing like a seed
Inside of us

Trains

Do you remember the trains
They're running me over and over again
Blew out my brains
Driving me insane

You showed me the ruins
The left-overs you rejected
The joy you spoiled
The pieces you've collected

And the memories we created
That you forgot so well
Waiting for the end that was fated
Waiting for hell,
where I still dwell

And to hear the satisfaction in your voice
When I broke down
When you made your choise
When you chose to let me drown

Do you remember the trains
Won't leave me alive
Running me over once more
Won't let me survive

Rip Off Her Wings

You'd rather rip off her wings than watch her fly,
You'd rather isolate than deal with her when she cries.
You'd rahter let her break, burn up from inside,
You'd let her abide.

Just Can't Let It Go

Where did we go wrong?
When did we lose touch?
We used to belong
Now I'm not your crutch

How did we change?
When we used to love
Now me you estrange
You used to take me above

Out of this self-destructivity
Out of this fear
Got me in a productivity
Where I could be sincere

And what made me lose you?
What made us fall?
A new rutine to get into
With a newbuilt wall

I don't want to forget
How can you so easily?
Don't want to regret
I close my eyes heavily

And memories play before my eyes
Of how you used to smile
You could take me up to the skies
Even if you just held me for awhile

Black eyelids open up to this scene
And find reality
They hid a pair of eyes so damn green
With a lack of vitality

And it's my fault
But I blame it on you
Like a mental assault
The things you used to do

And how could I be stupied enough
To think that we'd make it
All we kept underneath, so rough
Now I submit

So damn easy to live in the past
The only thing we'd show
I guess that time has passed?
So damn hard to let go

Pills

Eight pills in my pocket
Discreet I count them in my hand
Sliding between my fingers
They run light as sand

How many in a row
Would get me rid of my anxiety
How many in a row
Would get me past this sobriety

And I'm choking
The cries are stuck in my throat
You've got no fucking idea what it feels like
To write your suicidenote

About to give up
About to give in
About to let go
What's crawling within

So damn insecure
And no one cares
You used to be there
I'm running out of prayers

So damn unsure
So damn frail
And no matter what I try to do
I always fail

So damn close to fall
And there's not many more hits I can take
Even if you didn't realize
There's so many times when you made me break

How many in a row
Lays ahead
How many pills in a row
Would make me dead?

Darkness Took Over Me

Darkness took over me
I didn't realize it when
I started breaking
I didn't realize it back then

Depression took over me
Made me fall apart
Couldn't stop it
I guess everything has a start

It got too far
I got worse
Was thrown into a life
I never got to rehearse

And it hurts in me to know
That it didn't have to be this way
I could've been happy
I could've been okay

I'm crying
For the life I didn't get to keep
The life I lost
Merories I've hidden deep

But could it really had gone another way?
Could I've had a real smile?
I think I've always been on this path
Moving closer to a trial

And my lips are shaking
I feel so damn small
In a huge world
No one noticed my sadness at all

I guess I've always been hiding
Something I thought was a part of life
That I carried everywhere
What made me play with the knife

Am I just tired?
Is that why I'm crying
Don't think so
I'm done with trying

To keep this surface up
To keep it inside
It would hurt others
If they knew why I hide

And goddammit I hate myself
For being so weak
So damn fragile
Happiness is what I seek

'Cause I started realizing
That everyone's not this way
With these thoughts all the time
Feeling a mental pain everyday

Underneath a shallow happiness
There's always a reason to cry
Always a will to break down
That I'm trying to deny

And I held it up for many years
Now I'm so damn tired
Haven't I been strong?
Isn't this something that should be admired?

I just can't care for others right now
I know you need me
And I'm sorry
That I'm busy trying to not flee

'Cause you must understand
That everyday is hell
With some stars of light
In a black sky, where I dwell

Sorry I can't help you as I'd like to
That I'm not the one I was any longer
And sorry
I'm not stronger

Mourn For Me

Pretty diffuse
Like a thick, black smoke
Obscuring my sight
Couldn't hear the words you spoke

Your lips are moving
But I'm not in your reality
Hiding in my head
Hiding from the brutality

And I'm impressed that you try to reach me
When I'm so far away
Trying to take my hand
Even when I'm lead astray

And yeh, I'm sitting next to you
While I'm a thousand miles aside
Just can't stand another day from hell
I'm sorry, I tried

I try to live everyday
To not be distant
You're better off without me
I shouldn't be existent

Shouldn't be alive
Shouldn't have been born
And if I'd go away
Would a single living soul mourn?

To Hide Forever

Just leave me here
Damn frozen and alone
Just leave me be
Let be become unknown

'Cause no one really cares
If I'm dead or alive
I walk alone
This time I won't survive

Soar and fragile
I hang on
On a frail image
In the root of dawn

And when the night is over
I'll crawl back in the sky
Small, in a black environment
Where I'll go high

Where no one can reach me
I'll be unaware
Of the life you'll continue with
That's pretty fair?

Will you let me
Go away
Will you let me
Hide everyday