The Strong

Common sense makes us dizzy
How could you get used to
Washing my blood from my feet
Taping me back together
Holding my hand as I bleed
We're surely offbeat
How to endure the wish to hold
someone trembling on the bathroom floor
Hurting from the past
Where there's nothing you can change
When it's too late to save
Just something to outlast
Just something in the common day of mine
You have to be a part of
To what you had to adjust
And carry me on
When my legs fail me
And again I scrape of the crust
To find me bleeding once more
How did you endure
Too see your own offspring break this much
And find your hands unable to heal
How much strength does it take
To be my crutch?

And how do you manage?
It's a mystery to me
Since now we've both been in so far
Running on the last slice of energy
Walking on to the excessive
To carry more must be bizarre
Yet you do it everyday
Your strength is impressive
And that's how you are

Tomma Korridorer

Med urgröpta hål i själen
Letar man efter skratt att fylla dem med
Men mitt högsta skratt har tystnat

Död går inte över
Det har jag alltid vetat om
Men aldrig förstått
Man slutar inte andas
för att senare börja om igen
Och lika tomt som i hans kropp
Känns hans plats inom mig nu

Mina meningar hänger i luften
De når inte fram
Och förblir en tyngd på mina axlar
De ekar runt omkring mig
Lågorna vill inte sluka mina ord

Trafik, röster, fotsteg, skratt
Allt liv finns runt omkring
Men en del i mig kan inte förstå,
får inget grepp om
Hur allting fortsätter utan honom
En sanning och realitet som glider ur mina händer
Samtidigt som den kramar luften ur mina lungor

Var skall jag placera alla skratt
de som var reserverade för honom
Alla delade tårar har torkat i mitt bröst
Blivit en hård klump
Som skär i mitt inre

Minnen vandrar som ekon
I mina långa korridorer
Där allting verkar kallt
Där lågorna just slocknad
I dina rum
Behövs din röst igen

Wrong

Every day that pass
Makes all the little things
insignificant
Every breath since you
fell asleep
Gets lighter by time
A hurting lightness
Tearing my existence
The burdon
that tore down yours
by weight
Is tearing me
with emptiness
A pinstriped smile
And a dusty eye
I seek forgotten words
And you ought to be here
You know
you ought to say
all the things you never did
You ought to be the one
comforting me
Just this time
You ought to be real
A red letter day
Never realized
That it might never come
alive
When you're not
Cut here and the drink
They should've shared
Yet everything,
(it's wrong)
Remain
How can everything remain
Without the core
the heart
a little grain
But you meant
So much to me

Vertigo

You're the eager voice
Sucking me down in the dirt
Luring me beneath my shelter
Leading me into new hurt
You're what I want
Yet also what I want to keep away
Since you're one of those
Who could only offer a ticket one-way
Out from my values
Away from my prosperity
Into your claws and my downfall
You would never speak to me with sincerity
Yet I want you to use me
I want you to make me crawl
I want you to abuse me
Since I seem to desire to fall

Silent Call

I don't want to be

your sex object

the one you touch

that way

the one you, without respect,

throw away

I don't want to be

the brainless

the one you don't bother

to talk to

the one you simply caress

the one with no point of view

I've got a shell that suits you

and I used to possess

much more to care about,

you cared about

I'm trying to impress,

I'm calling out

I don't want to be

your fancy doll

your beautiful marionette

who stand beside,

who you control,

who always abide

Can't you watch me

Like you did before

when I talk

so lively from my mind

Pull us offshore

Let's stop flying blind

Reach for me

reach through my chest

just pick up the mind

you once cared for

the mind you've suppressed

Let's return

to the way it was before

Jag,
som vandrar genom mörka trapphus
tränger mig igenom vakuumfyllda rum
sliter mig igenom bittert kött
för att smaka syre

Jag,
med kalla ihåliga gropar
som ständigt letar efter förlorade ting
offrar ord till lågorna
som vägrar lyfta mig

Nothing

I found myself in the same corner
With the same poison in my head
Mumbling out my antidote into nothing
As if someone could save me then
But only nothing would whisper back to me
And I would counter with screams
Terrified of hearing someone
Who possess no voice
And if nothing can talk to me
Could nothing also rip me apart?
With no hands nor any claws
Could it break me with no weight?
And the nothing I feel in me sometimes
Is it harmful too?
But nothing must always be
Something
Mustn't it become something
The moment it inflicts me?
The moment it tells me
What it claims to be truth
And if it still ain't Something
I must be the fault

Campaign

It seems the air is still as thick
Like mud running down my throat
I keep on breathing, heavy and deep
Force a laugh to roll through my mouth
And a smile to infect my lips
To pretend I ain't the black sheep
So I swallow a hard lump of tears
And close my eyes as hard as I can
But the air keeps beating me
To prove my impureness
A cyclone rampaging inside my body
Remaining intact ain't no guarantee
Corroding underneath my skin
And crawling upon it
There's something pusing my shoulders down
Making my bones cut my flesh
And there's something in my room whirring
But I know no one's around
The mud get's thicker
And it's got a bitter, sickening taste
I hide my face from a non-existing danger
The fear of something that already invaded me
Something that was born in me
I'm the hazardous stranger
Left alone with the voice inside of me
Slithering through my limbs
Trying to figure out how I can amend
Yet I endure, like always
Trembling and hurting, I stay still
Waiting for it to end

Then

I sometimes fall back into something that used to be
That stopped being 'now' for a long time ago
When I stare for several minutes
With shiny, distant eyes, I stare at nothing
And the gray people around me would after some time
Like many other times
Try to talk to me by asking if I'm tired
And yes, I'm tired, but not physically
Is what I tend to reply

And sometimes I feel so lonely amongst the gray people
You know, those times I stare and remember
It's like I'd wish for someone to gaze though me
See beneath that face and those shiny eyes
But I guess that is something impossible
For someone human and uninfected and maybe even whole
Or maybe people are just tired of seeing
After such a long time, since there's been so much time
Since 'Then'

It's rather ironic though, those details from 'Then'
That 'Then' that ain't now and hasen't been for years
Like how I never cried, except that one time
And that I never had any words for what 'Then' was
I think I fled in my mind
But now I cannot flee anymore, and I don't want to
Behind that stare of mine, those heavy breaths
I'm torn, and I'm being tossed
And it hurts alot when I'm thrown into
A side of my inside

I yet did not overcome the torment
But sometimes I speak of it
And I almost never cry anymore
When I speak
Does that really mean
that I am strong?

Reality

It's difficult to try and lift a mountain
And I guess my thoughts are just a bit lighter
Still that's nothing I want you to try
Actually I don't really want you
to read me anymore
And you lost the will to deal
Maybe it'll end for real?

Maybe it's safer with you by my side
But perhaps I don't want you too close
For how could I be your laughter
If you won't be my comfort
Maybe it's safer without you
When you cannot see what I feel
Maybe we were never real?

Det är läskigt i mitt bröst
Där hjärtat borde vara
Det har stormat där länge nu
För evigt viskar ingen
Och jag vill skrika nej
Jag tänker inte ligga här för evigt

A Place For Innocence

I guess I'm the same person
I've always been
And I guess you wouldn't notice
Every difference about me
Just because you don't
Look
You don't observe
When everything you
Take for granted
Is thrown down in the same ashes
Where I rest my bones
You still won't see your part
In everything painful
You still won't see
The blood you've spilled
You'll still be embraced by your own innocence
You still won't know how to use your eyes

Meaning

So when I find myself in the same
Down-dug hole
Where my face is met by regret
And confusion is all I speak
Wordless conversations with nobody
Pointless dialogues with somebody
Search for point and meaning
Of everything I do and don't
What I should and shouldn't
I revise my previous thoughts
But find nothing new
To put in the holes
To replace pointlessness with

Close Emptiness

As you held me and wondered what happened inside
Inside of this cold shell I wear
And I continued to mumble empty nothingness
It seems I've lost the will to share
I guess I wish you could read me
And I guess the truth's that you don't really care
So I built this fucking distance
When I really want you to see my dispair

When I lay beside the sleeping beauty, You
Sometimes my aching anguish keeps me from rest
My mind's the root of the suffering I endure
Also the reason for the pain in my breast
And it strikes me that you're so unaware
Is it my smiles that keeps the knowledge repressed?
Or that it just doesn't shine through my face
That you cannot believe everything I've expressed

I've been thinking about the embraces we share
We're so damn close, but I feel like I'm still far away
I wonder if you've even noticed my absence
But I guess this is okay

Footwear

My naivety always puts me
In new pairs of shoes
Just like the hundred pairs
I've fought myself out from
When will I give in
And walk with my guilt
Scattered in my smiling face
In the same kind of hard-tied shoes
I've been wearing the last long years

It's a surprise to me
That my feet yet ain't bleeding
And that I never seem to learn
It's not rightful to call it mistakes anymore
I guess it's more of an addiction

Break the Volume

And so a small dose of artificial serenity finds me
Little enough to fit into my pocket
A double-sided rush, firm but yet abstract
Concrete, still so diminutive that it's almost
as if one could breathe it
A small dose of calm, swallowing me
Such contrast compared to the usual storm in me
Rough enough to drown my own voice
When I talk to myself
Too overwhelming to let me sleep and dream in peace
But for now
I shall rest
The anguish voice in me has faded in this mist
(it's dismissed)
And I will break the volume with silence
And my ragged mind will not hurt
Not for a couple of dark hours
I won't tremble, I won't scream
Nor laugh or cry tonight
Indifference shall conquer me
And I'll let it, I'll let go of the reasons for now
I'll let me be
Let the time run on without me
Such an ease
To not sleep in my own violence
They can go ahead and torture me
Rape me in my dreams
These demons won't reach me now anyway
I'm using big words to fool them out of me
And I'm trying to forget their upcoming, fierce return
I will break the volume with silence
For when you dream while you're awake
They hide behind every possible corner
The huge, dangerous tiger
Ain't behind that corner
Not inside that room
But it's chasing me inside of me

Destruktivitet

Jag tog min skam i handen
Och tryckte våldsamt in den i min såriga mun
Den brände min tunga, min hals
Och jag grät
Samtidigt som jag fortsatte tvångsmata mig själv
Med mina egna misstag

Shame

Once more I broke down beside you
You stayed indifferent
I sometimes wonder what you think
When you're ignoring the content
These times I feel insufficient
But still you chose me whole
With scars and smiles
The one without control
Staked through by beams of light
As if exposing me
That would make me rot inside
I'm ashamed to be
So weak and twisted
Destructive and frail
What is there in me to love?
When I always tend to fail
So why would you choose me
The broken and insane
If you don't want the bad side
If you don't want to know my pain

I'm not Here

So when I woke up today

With an extra layer of skin

Dried onto my knees

Another day would begin

And I still walk the same road

I'd still go the same way

Eyes shut but still wide open

It's just like any other day

To stay right among you

When I'm really not here

And even if you hold me

You won't get near

Like life's meant to be so grey

So cold and hollow?

I want to break loose

I don't want to follow

And I'm intoxicated

I still walk the same way

You can still see me

But I've gone away

Demons of Mine

I want now to be past already
The minutes are so cold
Deaf screams inside of me
Are keeping me on hold
And a ripe sun is staring through me
Hiding a darker sky
That keeps on punishing me
For every time I don't try

We level up excuses
We act like we've been taught
And maybe truth is pushing me
Towards my demons I never fought
It's a sin to forget
And they're well at reminding
Intimidating hours
They're pro at rewinding

I want now to be long gone
I want to shine
Long moments before being pulled back
In this burning cage of mine

... . . ... . . . ... . . .

I seem to loose myself again
I cannot think clear
I readjusted easily
When I had smiles so near
But back into darkness
Pushed right up on a road
That I had walked before
Whereon I'd erode
Acclimating back
Ain't that fucking gentle
Punishing myself again
Unsentimental
How to reach back
Back to sanity
Leaving behind
This inhumanity
Torture of mind
And torturing me whole
I'll have to wake up
I need control

Moving on

You're the bittersweet emotion
Drowning me in regret
Pushing me down again
You won't let me forget
When I discreetly try to climb higher
Trying to move ahead
A look from you control me
Such a smile I cannot shed
And when hugs become a procedure
All warmth erased
Smalltalk won't make any difference
When one has been replaced
Difficult to move on
When nailed stuck in the past
As if the time weren't that long
Like if no years has passed
No time has passed for me