Anxiety

And here it goes again
I start to shiver
I'm losing it
And my breaths quiver

And it's highly painful
I'm damn broken inside
I guess you've heard it a million times
That's why I put myself aside

And it's hard to describe
When your mind breaks down
When you're all damn alone
While other's around

When no one cares
No one gives a damn
When no one understands
That's when you're condemn

Disappointment

Left alone again
But this time, I won't be okay
Left out in the cold again
This time it won't go away

Can't you see how fragile I am
This time I won't come out alive
I've got too bad memories
This time I won't survive

Forgotten
Lost in the cold
Full of anxiety
And things I've never told

I broke our promise
I'm sorry, it meant much for true
I didn't want to disappoint you
But that seems to be the only thing I can do

For Mother

A home we didn't have for years
Barely a relation with our dad
Too much time alone
I guess we had our reasons to be sad

The warmth we never shared
In a way it's not supposed to be
A truly messed up family
So many times you saved me

You've always been my escape
Someone we can count on
Who'll always be there
Even when we're gone

I just want to make it clear
That we love you, it's true
We'll still need you here
What would we do without you?

<3

The Past

And you know just where to push
Like a marionette I follow your orders
You know just the right ways to hurt me
Taking advantage of my disorders

You know just the right buttons
Where I would break down
You've got me in your clutch
And with a word you'd make me drown

In my own blood
'Cause of the wounds we left open wide
The things we never mentioned
I've already died

And a heart full of sorrow and regret
Is what we left behind
Things we didn't clear up
Can't we just rewind?

Get me back to where it went wrong
And let me try again
Let's undo the hurt, unwind the misunderstandings
Give me a chanse to explain

Blame It On Me

All the shame
Is mine to bare
Everytime you fall
I should've been there

And when they hurt me
It's always the same
My own fault
On me they blame

And when I'm kicked
While I'm still on the ground
Blame it on me
I shouldn't have made a sound

And when I'm hurt
It's my own fault
Really, I don't deserve being okay
Fill my wounds with salt

Don't look down at me
Saying it ain't real
'Cause I always end up blaming myself
It's true how I feel

Blame it on me
Blame it on me
I'm okay
Just blame it on me

If You Knew

I'd like to tell you
What made my smile untrue
What made me hide
If you knew

And what has been tearing me
What drew me into
Been pushing me towards the edge
If you knew

Would you beleive me
If I told you what I went through
What I stood out with
If only you knew

And if I'd admit
That there was someone who
Made me this way
If you knew

And would you listen
If I'd review
My memories
If only you knew

I don't want to carry it on my own
What's making me blue
I want someone beside me
Who's willing to stay true
If only someone knew

Steel

If I'd show my emotions
Everytime I want to die
I wouldn't have no friends
And the ones around would suffer 'cause I cry

It's not fair to be depressed everyday
Then it's not only a burdon of my own
Everyone wouldn't stand it
And then I'd end up alone

And also
I don't want to show myself weak
And vulnerable
I'm already getting so much critique

And they'd find out how to hurt me
In the most effective ways
And since it's already tough
I don't want worse days

It's strained enough to wake up
Knowing there's another day full of depression
And anxiety and fear
Facing everyone's question

If I'm alright
And what is wrong?
Hard to explain
Why I don't get along

I don't really know the answer myself
But I know that it's real
I know that I'm broken
If I only had a layer of steel

Then no one could hurt me
No one could reach too deep
And a body of steel
Wouldn't cry itself to sleep

Carve And Cut

And it hurts inside of me
Don't know what
Can still feel it strong
Made me cut

And made me scratch and made me carve
Into the white skin of mine
And for the first time of my life
I felt the divine

It was filling me
For barely a minute
But those seconds was worth is
And the addiction still pursuit

But what is a world full of emptiness
Except for when I bleed
And even though I'm betraying
It's an aching need

This was what I deserved
Since I've done so much wrong
Don't deserve to be okay
I don't deserve to belong

And least of all
I deserve you
You're so damn good
Too good to be true

Going Down

My eyes are burning

Don't want to see no more lies
They made me like this

Please blacken my eyes

And I can see myself go down
Slowly falling apart

Can do nothing to stop it

Becoming another piece of art

And I just want to give up

But just when I'm about to withdraw

I find guilt inside

And you give me a new reason to go on

Maybe it's a burdon

That I'm addicted of you

You can make me high

Damp the thoughts that puruse

My eyes are on fire
Don't want to see your games
Am I the only one noticing
Can't you see the flames?

This is the prize,
Please blacken my eyes

Whispers

I'm full of sadness
Don't know why
But I've given up
Can I still catch your eye?

Something's eating me up from inside
And something is aching
I try to hide it
But I can feel myself breaking

And when I try to damp
The thoughts in my head
The feelings that bring me
Tears full of dread

I tried to hurt myself
To take the pain away
I got obsessive
But still was just lead astray

And now I'm broken
I can feel it damn strong
Still trying to find this
Goddamn place where it went wrong

What did I do
To deserve all this
Why am I wrong
What did I miss

My Obsession

I'm falling back again
Down in this depression
I'm losing track again
Finding back to my obsession

I'm playing rough again
And I'll get hurt
I'm feeling down again
It's about to revert

I'm falling back again
Down in this depression
I'm losing track again
And I've got to make a confession
Something for you to question
'Cause while it's killing me
It's still my possession

Silent Screams

And this feeling is stabbing me
I can feel it cut damn deep
These thoughts are making me see
That I'm balancing on an edge fucking steep

And these thoughts are bringing me panic
Slowly tearing me apart
I feel pretty manic
With sorrow deep in my heart

And I cry without no reason
I don't know why I'm sad
And life's moving on, season by season
It's driving me mad

That I just can't be okay
Just like the rest
For them it's a day
For me it's a test

Everyday is just another step closer to the edge
The will to say goodbye
Like am standing on a ledge
While I try to deny

You can say that I'm imagining
And even if it isn't real
It's real to me, and it sting
Yeh, even if it's not real, it's still how I feel

Just Before I Panic

I don't want to be this fragile
I want to be able to stand up alone
Don't want to be depending
I'd like to make it on my own

And I didn't ask for nights of horror
Coming from inside
I didn't ask for pain
And wounds open wide

I didn't want to be soar
I never wished to get hurt
Why did I deserve panic
To be down in the dirt

And I want to smile for real
Without being high
I want a chanse
And a reason to try

To go on
'til the day that I die
Get away from this darkness
In where I lie

And all the times I shiver
'Cause lack of security
When I don't want to stay
In my fucking reality

And if life's this way
I don't want to live
If I'd ever leave this place
Would you forgive?

Heaven is Burning

'Cause heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Paradise's on fire
Can I survive

So damn lonely
With people around
So damn broken
Time to come back to the ground
And realize
That I can't keep on sliding
From pills to fumes
Can't keep on hiding

'Cause Heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Could you save me
Make me survive
Heaven's on fire
It's always the same
Balancing on a line
To be lost in the flame

And I'm falling
From up high
Moving closer to reality
I don't want to die
And yes I've been crying
For goddamn too long
I'm losing, right?
It feels so damn wrong

I don't want to lose this
But I can see it go down
My heaven's on fire
I can see myself drown

Heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Would you save me
Make me survive

Words

And would you whisper in my ear
With a depth that could make me cry
Will you stand here
Even when I'm this close to die

You told me you'd stand by forever
No matter what
But can even the strongest ever
Hold on to a person who's shut?

I'd like to hold you till you shine
So no darkness could hurt you
I really want to make you fine
But I'm too weak to

Memories

I've got this image as myself
I'm so young
And I'm smiling
Not even ten and I've already swung

The times I wondered
What the hell was wrong with me
Why did I deserve this
Hated 'cause of the reflection I see

And all the times I wanted to cry
But no tears came
I never knew they'd come one day
Now they me proclaim

They're unstoppable
Ruining my act
Now I can't hide no more
Now the crowd react

I've got this image of myself
I'm so damn small
I'm smiling, I'm laughing
While I feel no joy at all

Sliding

A knife in my chest
Sliding in, deeper and deeper
Of pain I'm possessed
The secrets of a reaper

I'm so damn easy affected
By anywhere I can dwell
Not at all protected
I'll end up in hell

And just to feel hated
Has been tearing me
What your acts created
What they made me see

And I can't take more alone
Can't stand to be awake
Why can't I make it on my own?
Why is everything I do a mistake?

Why do I always ruin my joy
Crashing my fulfilled dreams
Maybe I can only destroy
That's at least how it seems

I've been sliding
From luck to goodbyes
I've been hiding
To prevent others' despise

But it's been a solution
That wouldn't last
It'll become my execution
Brought by the past

Somebody Else

And I'm sorry I'm not stronger
I want to be the one to wipe away your tears
And the control is no longer
Now it's black and white,
the truth appears

And I'm sorry for the cries
I'm not supposed to let them out
When in my head there's a reprise
For what I've felt,
I'm waiting for the drought

And I'm sorry that I ruin
Your good times
Hiding when you've got no clue in
What's in my head,
the role of my crimes

But most of all
I am so damn sorry
That I always fall
And can't be somebody else
I'd like to stand tall
But I end up crawl
I'm sorry
I can't be
Somebody
Else

Just Another Odd Lovepoem

And those times I wanted to cry
But no tears showed
The times I tried to deny
Has now made me expload

I'm just crying too much
My eyes are soar
And without you as my crutch
Wouldn't I be one of the corps?

So today I didn't want time to go on
I wanted those moments with you forever
But they're lost in this dawn
And it makes sedation the thing I endeavour

I miss you already
With you I stay in control
My legs feel steady
And you make me feel whole

Though all the things I feel
For you, I'd never admit
Too good to be true, you must be unreal
All the joy you emit

Hide It Deep Under Your Skin

Just walk, breathe
Pretend you're alive
And when you're alone
The tears may arrive
Just talk, smile
Like if you were alive
And while you're breaking
Pretend like you'll survive

Just walk, talk and smile
Just pretend that you're okay
And when you hide it underneath
Delight is what you convey

What Do I Bring?

And how could I describe this feeling
When I take a step back
Sitting alone, staring up in the ceiling
When I'm losing track

Don't want to stand in the way
I don't want to be the one to destroy
I'd rather go away
So you can still enjoy

And when I realize
That you make it better without me
I come to idealize
I don't want to see

If I wouldn't have been here
With my damn self-destructivity
The one who ruines the cheer
With my obstructivity

And fooling myself everyday
That I'm adding something
The thoughts me astray
And like a smoke, depression is all I bring

And I wanna scratch away my skin
Then I'd be done hiding
You'll see how it's always been
That I've always been sliding