Then

I sometimes fall back into something that used to be
That stopped being 'now' for a long time ago
When I stare for several minutes
With shiny, distant eyes, I stare at nothing
And the gray people around me would after some time
Like many other times
Try to talk to me by asking if I'm tired
And yes, I'm tired, but not physically
Is what I tend to reply

And sometimes I feel so lonely amongst the gray people
You know, those times I stare and remember
It's like I'd wish for someone to gaze though me
See beneath that face and those shiny eyes
But I guess that is something impossible
For someone human and uninfected and maybe even whole
Or maybe people are just tired of seeing
After such a long time, since there's been so much time
Since 'Then'

It's rather ironic though, those details from 'Then'
That 'Then' that ain't now and hasen't been for years
Like how I never cried, except that one time
And that I never had any words for what 'Then' was
I think I fled in my mind
But now I cannot flee anymore, and I don't want to
Behind that stare of mine, those heavy breaths
I'm torn, and I'm being tossed
And it hurts alot when I'm thrown into
A side of my inside

I yet did not overcome the torment
But sometimes I speak of it
And I almost never cry anymore
When I speak
Does that really mean
that I am strong?