A disease

Looking down in the toilet
My reflection looking back at me
A tear running down my cheek
This is what I don't want to be
Looking in the mirror
While brushing my teeth
To wash away the proof
This is what I am underneath

Lying in my bed
Feel those thoughts coming back
Just so damn disgusted by myself
My mind is stained black
'Cause I'll never be pretty enough
Funny or so smart
If I'm thin I'm good at something
More thoughts ain't something I'll impart

I'll never be good enough
Not for you, not for anyone
I'm not pretty, I'm not tough
And all these things I've done
Somethings that's been hurting me
And they've made some scars
Some in my soul and some that you can see
And when it's time I wanna die under the stars

Untitled

I'm falling apart
My head's spinning around
My heart's bursting
I'm lying on the ground
I'm all damn alone
I'm dying inside
I can't stand to feel
And no one's on my side

All the things I did
to forget the pain inside
Hurting myself just
to get on with time

~*~*~
I can't stand to live like this
I don't want to breathe no more
Thinking of everything I regret
All the things that made me soar
~*~*~

I'm smiling
Trying to seem okay
Inside I'm crying
Can't stand another day
You don't want to know
What's behind this shell
All the things I've done
To get through another living hell

Lying to the truth itself
Just to keep on living
Laughing on the outside
Drowning on the inside

~*~*~
I can't stand to live like this
I don't want to breathe no more
Thinking of everything I regret
All the things that made me soar
~*~*~

What happened back then

Do you even know
Those bad memories I've had
It's nothing I'd show
It makes me feel bad

Maybe it was my fault anyway
I did chat for fun
It's what they'd always say
I wish it was just never done

The fear within
Comes up sometimes
I can feel it begin
It's not one of the worst crimes

He didn't rape me
Maybe just my mind
I never told anyone, maybe they'd disagree
I don't want anyone to remind

I don't want to think of it
'Cause sometimes I forget
I'd just rather don't admit
Anything about that threat

Another selfish poem

I'm not okay
I don't feel fine
And to keep those tears away
I isolate the heart of mine

I want to sleep forever
And when I wake up just feel good
And I wouldn't care whatever
I wouldn't depend 'cause no one else would

I wish to do something right
For once in my life
I want someone to be proud at me and look at me with delight
And for once not wanting to take the knife

All these egoistic poems I write
Just someting from my heart
About my fright
That will someday tear me apart

I'm so damn lame

What I've developed into
What made me for who I am
All the things I went through
Why I've been condemn

This image of me is so unsure
It's so damn frail
Inside my mind is obscure
My self-conscience is just a false detail

This strong me talking
Who's controlling every movement
It's fake the way I'm walking
And there ain't much improvement

I'm damn weak
And it's so fucking lame
Can't handle critique
And I've got no one else than myself to blame

I'm afraid to burst
And rarely let anyone in
Everything's reversed
But I'll continue fight my fear within

To dad

I am sorry for everything I'm not
All I want is to make you proud
But this is all I've got
To stand out in the crowd

Daddy, I know
That you love me
And I want to show
How good I can be

But I can't stand there
Keep in my anger or sadness
It's too damn hard to bear
Only giving me madness

I know you underestimate me
Alot of people do
But what they expect me to be
Is something I'll never turn into

You say that you don't think of me that way
But I can see it in your eyes
That I'm a teenager and haven't got so much to say
That I'm not deep and only think of guys

But the world is full of so much more
And I'm not that dumb
I'll always be me, but maybe not the one I was before
At least I know what I won't become

Help me, I'm drowning

It hurts everytime I hear the disappointment in your voice,
Your silence makes me deaf, makes my head blow.
I'll have to make this choise,
I love you and for you I'd like to let it go.

So then you won't be sad for me,
'cause I am no one to cry for.
For you I could change who I chose to be,
but please understand that I'm soar.

Maybe it'll be hard to quit,
maybe I'll need someone to understand.
For you I'll try to do it,
but will you stand beside and hold my hand?

So fucking afraid and so damn messed up

It all feels like you don't care anymore,
that I was just a test.
That you don't love me like you did before,
that you're unimpressed.

You used to think of me like someone else I guess,
and got disappointed when you learned to know me.
You didn't know I was this mess,
maybe I'm not the one you thought I'd be.

It feels like I've lost a lot more then I've won,
I never should have given my heart away.
It's harder to carry on,
Since I'm so afraid you'd betray.

Maybe there ain't no sense in this,
maybe I'm just too afraid.
I don't understand why'd you miss
me if I'd die of the blade.

I'm sorry but I have to say

yeah, you're damn good,
but you couldn't see.
Everybody misunderstood,
what was wrong with me.

You could always see through me,
but I guess it went on for too long.
I'm surprised you really can't see,
that something's damn wrong.

This place I'm supposed to call home,
is swallowing me alive.
Maybe it looks like a dome,
but it's damn hard to survive.

The reason for why I don't want to live,
lies in this truth.
I'm sorry, I know you're trying to give,
me the best part of my youth.

I'm sorry for hurting you,
that's why you'll never read this song.
I'll continue to go through,
I'll pretend to get along.

Just a damn truth

My hands are shaking,
my head is aching.
This is what you're making,
and it ain't something I'm faking.

How am I supposed to act,
and how would you react?
Inside I'm cracked,
this is just a fact.

Will you keep me safe and warm,
will you hold me through the storm.
I say this to inform,
that I'm afraid your feelings for me would reform.

If you knew the truth about me,
the way I chose to see.
The way I djudge the world and it's fee,
the way I plea.

I don't want to live but i'm too afraid to die,
I hate myself for giving up and that I cry.
I complain and still I deny,
all the reasons why.

Just Some Silly Dreams >.<

Will you ever look at me and smile,
saying you love me?
Will you ever hold my hand while,
others can see?
Will it ever be okay,
to be with you?
I want to be with you everyday,
'cause you're the one I'm into.

Hurt Myself

Why would I slit my wrists
If there was nothing wrong
If no problem exists
Why would I stand the pain and get along

Why would I starve myself
If I had no problem that day
Would anyone do that to themselves?
You think I seem okay?

Why would I cry
If I had no reason
The truth I can't deny
And my eyes commit treason

When the face is trying
To hide the truth and smile
Inside I'm dying
That's why I'm hostile

Smile

With no more troubles than teenage tears
And happy just to be
Maybe there's something more than it appears
A silent scream for nobody to see
Maybe you'll just see if you look hard enough
But no one's able to care
They've got their own life's rough
I guess some things are pretty fair
Underneath those lies
Those tears has travelled a lot of miles
Everybody wear their disguise
And that's just all those smiles

Everybody cry
Once in awhile
But everybody try
To just smile

Scars from Love

When I think of you I go insane
There's so many things that make me afraid
And I really don't want any more pain
My condition is what love has made

My mind is full of ideals
Let's just say my soul is scarred
Have you got any idea how all this feels?
That it's all so fucking hard

I can't be perfect
'Cause that's not how I am
I'm not an object
And I'm not like them

Stuck

I stay in the shadow to not get hurt by the sun
I close my eyes to not see the truth so cold and black
What was before has already been done
And there's no turing back

My life is melting, being crushed by tears
My head is aching, my soul is burning
It's been this way for years
But I'm still learning

The hard way of knowing that you're hated
Even though it must be me
This is what I created?
It's my life, impossible to flee

Deeper and deeper

A black stream of pain is running down my cheek,
taking the breath out of me
No one knows that I'm this weak, this feeling's unique,
the tear's a salut to thee

Winning back those moments I lost,
the times I stopped breathing
The grass frozen, a meadow of frost,
and the first touch of spring

Living on earth, and somtimes it's like living in hell,
fire's arounde me, the world's gone insane
The population's under a spell, I wish I could just say farewell,
but that wouldn't keep me away from the pain, this is my refrain

A smile doesn't mean that I'm happy, a tear doesn't make me sad,
I don't pray to god, 'cause I don't think I deserve it
All the pain that I've cost, it makes me too bad
all the times I felt sorry for myself, all the egoism that I emit

If Dreams Were True

Can't get you off my mind,
you make me blind
More or less obsessed of your smile,
will stay inside my head for awhile

Though I'm not from the same world as you,
I wish my dreams were true
Ther you like me and there ain't this wall
and none of this matters at all

But dreams ain't true
I don't live my life with you
But someday I might
But that day is not tonight