Your Smile is Filling Me

I love it when I've got your attention
I love it when you're near
But if I have to be honest
If I want to be sincere
Your presence is dear to me
But is hurting me so cruelly
And faking my feelings
Is getting harder, truly
I tried to stop with these poems
To not pressure you
But I've gotta tell someone
How much I treasure you
I know you'll never love me
And it's killing me
I try to move on but
Your smile is still filling me
Emptiness is what I feel
In between sorrow and hurt
Somewhere in the middle
My head is filled with dirt
It's not like I want you here
It's not like I want you back
I'm trying to get past you
So cut me some slack?
I don't want your sympathy
I'll be okay on my own
Don't expect an honest answer
Just leave me alone

Sorry I'm Not Better

They scream in my ears
How could I ignore it?
I am going insane!?
I feel so damn split

And I don't think you could deal with my darkness
You wouldn't find me glamorous at all
I'd rather not bring you down with me
Drag you with me in my fall

You don't know anything
About the pressure I feel
I'm sorry I'm not better!
But don't blame me 'cause I can't deal

I'm sorry the meds aren't working
And making you feel better makes me feel worse
I know you worry
But the effect of your caring is reversed

Inside

Cut me open
Take a look inside
What can you find?
What can you find?

Keep me wide open
Have a look inside
What would you find?
What would you find?

And I died
Like I flower
Withered
I cried
Like a cloud
Darkening
I hide
Like if running
From life

Cut me open
Would you dare
To find out
What hides
Inside

ångest gör dig levande, eller i värsta fall död

när kärleken rinner mellan dina fingrar
och tårarna fräter hål på ögonlocken
så kan man inte längre blunda och önska
att man inte var ensam längre
det är ditt eget fel
det var du som isolerade dig
känner dig död men
det är nog bara önsketänkande
för ångest får en att känna sig så levande
då man önskar att man inte var det

Fear

I'll drain my body
To quench your thirst
For life and meaning
My mind is cursed
My body is crumbling
Things intimidating
Blaming me
The things I was creating
In my head
In my heart
This wrath grew
That'd come to tear me apart
And under my nails
There's someone else's skin
I scratched them open
And wore thin
Someone's blood
Is pumping through my veins
To fill my brain with their thoughts
I'm tied up in chains
Bound to my problems
And bound to my guilt
For being so selfish
The walls that I built
To keep everyone in a distance
To not let them come near
After all
I might just be full of fear

Love

You poison my mind
With hope and warmth
Affection is a drug
With wrath inside
Addicting and painful
When you breathe in it's truth
If I'd come to love you
I would break again
I don't want more pain
I don't want more justice
For this is what I deserved
Don't bring me hope
About loving you
Smiles damn true
For I'm a razor
And I'll cut us both wide open

Blood-Red Sky is Black

Mourn the moon
Blood spilled tonight
Colored the sky red
But darkness took too much place
Where can we find it?
Cravings of the night
Hearts filled with shadows
And weakness
Belongs to only the one
Who seeks

Yesterday

Happy tears
Like a sparkling crown
I wore my joy
But then
You brought me down

Like when I couldn't take this
When I chose to leave
When I chose to hide
And I still put up excuses
That I still try to believe

I think about it often
Mostly the past
But what happened and dreams unfulfilled
Float together
And I can't see no contrast

The more time is ticking
The more you disappear
The smile, the feelings
I used to be sure you'd always stay there,
As an image in my mind, still clear

As I live in yesterday
I'm losing tomorrow
Fear for close relations
Fear from being hurt
This fills me with your sorrow

the Way Back to Yesterday

Do you remember the joy of youth
No problems involved
The summer nights and Christmas Eve
When tears weren't a daily ration
When pain where still a mystery
And crowds were less intimidating
Life just as it should be

But then we woke up
To grow up fast
Somewhere in the middle
We stayed
Somewhere in the middle
They put our place
And mom was crying,
Dad frightened us
Still we're desperately trying to find our way
Back to yesterday

Lies

You get me down
On knees to let you in
Caressing me with words and whispers
Softly touching my skin
And speaking of affection
Days we could've had
The kiss we never shared
You drive me mad
And I knew all along
That if I'd choose to impart
It wouldn't be long
Until you'd pick me apart

Blame

I turned around
I faced the crowd
They were all staring
Their eyes made me nauseous
Burned holes in my skin

I stood in front of them
Screamed out loud
From fear and pain
To be left alone
I felt so small again

Youth's innocence
Had left me
Blame had come with winter
And it didn't turn to flee
Blame had come to stay
Somewhere inside of me

My Thoughts Unspoken

I just want to lie down
And sleep forever
Live in my sweetest dreams
And I won't have to wake up,
No I'll never

And it's okay
If you stay for awhile
Just to breathe with me
Just to keep me alive
Before my trial

I really screwed this up
Didn't I?
This time I blew it
I lost the world
'Cause I didn't try

I don't want to be left alone
I need you to stay near
But one day, when everyone's gone
Left in loneliness
I won't shed a tear

I don't want to lose
But I'm just too damn broken
While others see me whole
I'm torn apart,
With my words left unspoken

Bittersweet Spirit

Bittersweet spirit
Drunk by the ogres
Hiding in hell
In between these walls
The beast rests
Just to be sure
You won't open the gates
And let it's shadow out
To rule and reign
Over 'em all
Over us all
And quench his thirst
With our
Bittersweet spirits

a Crowd in the Smoke

Like walking though a fog
I don't want to go ahead
Since I can't see what's coming
So I hide inside my head

I don't have the courage
I guess I'm not strong enough
So I lay myself down
The big world seems so damn tough

Maybe I'm not the only one in this smoke
But others go on anyway
Even though they're scared
What's wrong with me?
Why ain't I strong enough to save the day?

I find nothing out there
Worth fighting for
Would you fight for me?
Am I worth it anymore?

The days I spend
In my corners of guilt
Darkening myself with shame
The dreams I killed
That no one fulfilled

Like an eye can be filled with
Both pain and hate
Even though none of us were
Left with an empty plate

Ourself is still the only one
We're pitying
And I still damn myself
For hanging on this string

Heaven's Infected

Heaven's infected
And we hear an angel's roar
Taken over by hate
Taken over by sorrow
With burning wings he curses heaven
Screaming out loud
Like poison in our ears

Heaven's infected
And an angel will die
Painfully he'll burn up
The fire of lust
Hopefully he'll burn up
Forbidden feelings in paradise
He belongs in hell

Heaven's infected
But we're not taking notice
at all

i'm faking it

and I hate you for loving me
I hate the world we live in
I hate my doubting heart
and my body stained with sin

for living hasn't given me anything
and hurting got me through
thy world is full of sadness
this world I cannot subdue

and frustration inside me
for being so damn proud
I'm faking it, I'm faking it!
and then I hide in the crowd

I've gotta get to learn myself
before I can last
and keep my sight ahed of me
just to forget my past

'keep your chin high
but don't forget to bow'
this is how we act among
emotions we should not show

calm my head

I tend to lose myself
when someone would confess to me
I guess I'm under pressure
afraid they wouldn't like what they see

so I wear this fake disguise
and start another act
I tend to ruin things
to keep myself intact

still I've got more traces and scars
then no eye could see
I know life ain't supposed to be easy but
why is breathing made so heavily!?

my trembling body trying to be still
it's like my storming head
need to keep myself detained
to not feel my dread

I think I'm scared of life
and what it could do to me
I think I'm scared to die
and to face everything I see

I miss the feeling of being loved
to know that someone would care
but I don't think I'm worth it
life weren't made to be fair

I'm terrified

Another day is passing by
And one more time, the sun will set
I weren't touched by light today

Cars are passing by
People are living their lives
While I'm locked up in myself
What am I afraid of?

Spring is coming
Winter is fading
But how do I spend my time?

Headaches and chest pains
Depression and anxiety
Why am I so damn sad?

Have I been bad?

And the wind bites me
The sun pains my eyes
But I can't live through a window

Why do I feel that I'm not ready for this world
I already faced troubles
We overcame, who can I blame?
Except. For. Me.

Spring is coming
Winter is fading
But how do I spend my life?

What makes me so afraid?
IS life that cruel?
I'm terrified.

To run away

I'd like to cut my hair
Dye it and change my clothes
Paint my nails, run away
And just become someone else
I could change my name
Forget my dreams
Forget the past
And just become someone else
Since there's nothing
That makes it worth the pain
To stay

to Hide Behind A Smile

Have you ever felt this panic in your chest?
Making it so damn painful to breathe
Just wanting to crawl up in a dark corner
When the world's too big, indeed

Wanting to hide from your problems
You don't need friends anyway
So much better off alone
Since you'd only scare them away

With your depression and your hurt
All this mess you live in
The darkness you've become
And all the sorrow hiding under your skin

Have you ever felt alone?
Wishing there was someone beside
Someone strong enough to hold you together
That you'd never push aside

Since this is what you do
When someone gets too close
You tried to figure why but
You keep tipping on your toes

Not letting them see
What's underneath these eyes
The tears at night and the constant hurt
Since you wear this disguise

Not giving those who care a reason
For why you'd turn reserved and hostile
When joy is too hard to fake
When you can't hide behind a smile