Outsider

I haven't seen her
For such a long time
But I remember her in the couch
With a glass of red wine
I guess it wasn't much
Nothing concrete
Still she managed to break me
Still she made me incomplete
I guess I just wanted to be accepted
I wanted to belong
'Cause no matter how much I thought about it
I couldn't understand what I did wrong
How was I not like my sisters
How did I stand out so much
That I deserved to be treated
So badly in her clutch
For many years I lived like this
All the time I tried
To figure out why I was wrong?
Why was I put aside?
And dad didn't notice
Was he blind or did he deny?
How she carved marks in me with only her eyes
That still can make me cry

I'm breaking them

The ones close to me, the ones I love
Their sad faces make me ache
For I never wished to hurt them
Still I managed to make them break

Why can't I keep my troubles for myself
So they won't have to suffer
'Cause when they care so much
They just made my path tougher

Still don't turn away from me
I don't want to be forgotten
'Cause in my loneliness they still never left me
Deep inside I'm so damn rotten

It's like it's contagious
My fucking disease
Joy is what it feasts on, to bring out the dark
The moments I wanted to sease

When I was stuck behind my square of glass
I couldn't take a step outside
Still I longed for the beauty in this world
To not have to abide

Filled with Concrete

I feel full of concrete
It's heavy only to breathe
I try to be discreet
I'll just have to proceed

I'm just so damn afraid
Trying to be less insecure
All these walls I've made
What were they ever good for?

I try to seem okay I guess
But sometimes it just gives in
To distract the audience from my badness
A surface made of rusty tin

Here I am, neurotic!
Why was my brain the fucked up one!?
Trying to keep my skin thick
Trying to hold thoughts which weighs a ton

On these weak shoulders
You can place your burden on me
To make me harder, make me colder
So far away from the one I'm supposed to be

Left behind or the one who left

All these dull mornings
The coffee as my drug supplier
And even though I slept all night
I'm still so full of sorrow and tire

And then it hits me in my chest
Is this all I've lost!?
All the times I ran away
And kept my fingers crossed

When the sun will arrive again
And not only for awhile
Will I stand alone for once and for all
Or will they still be patient and smile

For of my stupidity and when drenched in shadows
I've done things in my despair
But the things they never saw;
I was too afraid to stay there

I've smiled recently and I've tried so hard
To be like I used to
But still what's echoing inside
All these emotions I can't break through

All these lonely nights
Wanna join and break me, apply here
'Cause now my demons are trying
To drench my burning fire

All these days has past
Still I'm a professional crier
People came and people left
How long can I stay denier?

When the storm has gone by
In the end I just broke them all
They relied on me
And I dragged them with me in my fall

I guess it's time to go
And I'm the only one still living in yesterday
They say I'm not alone but
Then why do they turn away

I feel so left behind
And mostly I'm a mess
This is no excuse but
In the end I abandoned them I guess

Towards the Cement

The fire laughs at me
And the sound rings like death in my ears
They're trying to get into me
My demons and ghosts
Haunting me
Hiding in the smoke
My heart is filled with pain
And my head with lies
Like a tumor in my chest
Panic is growing
And I'm stuck in between these walls
That I've built up so carefully

I made an armour of cement
To not get stung by the sun
To not let them carve in my skin
The nightmares that I still try to forget
This shield that I wanted
Is running out of air
And the feelings are growing
Like a scream wanting to get out
Is pushed towards the surface
But the armour is still not breaking
The scream is growing
Damped by the cement
And inside I'm hurting
Inside I'm breaking down

Mission Impossible

My warmth
Erased or replaced
Left my body
With nothing but cold
The affection
Like electricity
Disappeared in my shadows
And left place for the ghosts
Still haunting me
Like cancer in my head
Still stabbing me
To watch me bleed
Out the joy and energy
That I try so desperately to keep

Tire and sadness
Like a broken ashtray
I spilled out my mind
For everyone to read
For everyone to taste
But the bitterness
Drove them away
And the cancer grew
So I pushed the people away
To not get too close
They couldn't comfort me
Or heal me
Mission impossible
Mission uncompleted

Breaking Down

And you cut me down
But this wouldn't satisfy you
This wasn't enough for you

To get inside me
Only to pick my head apart
And all my thoughts were spread out

To mind my own business
But you couldn't stay with yours
Did you enjoy to watch me break down?

Loneliness

The loneliness came to conquer me
Crawled inside my heart
How many smiles did pass me this year?
Like darkness came to steal them
I shouldn't have let them go
But I was too weak, to busy with breathing
Heavily, with bricks on my lungs
Sadness was growing
For not a huge reason
And I became afraid of living
I'm afraid of breathing
Darkness swallowed me whole
Spit me out in hell
To torture me

Abstract

I'm not touched by spring anymore
Like the warm breeze blows right thought me
And the beauty of this world
Escaped from my palm
To show me it's shadows instead

I'm not enjoying these times anymore
They've exchanged with angst and tire
I lost the lust to explore
I've already seen too much badness
I never thought I'd lost that strong burning fire

My body crumbles from the noise
Your breathing turns to screams
It's not like I've made this choice
To be haunted by death in my dreams
Losing myself in this violence

And all this pain, all this hurt
Is it my redemption?
Have I been bad, what did I do wrong?
I wouldn't get an exemption,
Why can't I belong?

Bitterness had aged me too fast
And I weren't strong enough to keep my mind
Tearing my eyes when I'm reminded of the past
The one I used to be,
The one I left behind

Break

My head is storming
My body's breaking down
I guess I'm on the edge now
I guess I should accept the crown
For the weakest being
To walk on earth
At least one single price
That I'm worth
I didn't really know
What I did wrong
Why the hell did she hate me?
I wondered for so long
Why did depression get closer to me
Than my friends could ever come?
And why did I embrace it
The loneliness that would make me numb
Affection got terrifying
And crowds pained me
How could I explain my fear
That stained me
It hits me
Every moment awake
All of this
Made me break

Fire

The flame burns
Makes my skin peel
But deep inside
There's still a storm I feel

The ashes choke me
Venom fumes to make my lungs collapse
The addicting poison
To make me relapse

The nature's beauty enchants
The fire deceives me
And the smoke tells me
That it came to leave me free

How could I breathe
When you're taking all air?
How could I sleep
When I'm drowning in despair?

And the fire would burn me
I can feel it in the night
Like when the invisible flame blinds me
The darkness is too bright

And even if I'd shut my eyes
It's still there to blow me out
To never let me rest
Drain my brain and make me shout

Your Smile is Filling Me

I love it when I've got your attention
I love it when you're near
But if I have to be honest
If I want to be sincere
Your presence is dear to me
But is hurting me so cruelly
And faking my feelings
Is getting harder, truly
I tried to stop with these poems
To not pressure you
But I've gotta tell someone
How much I treasure you
I know you'll never love me
And it's killing me
I try to move on but
Your smile is still filling me
Emptiness is what I feel
In between sorrow and hurt
Somewhere in the middle
My head is filled with dirt
It's not like I want you here
It's not like I want you back
I'm trying to get past you
So cut me some slack?
I don't want your sympathy
I'll be okay on my own
Don't expect an honest answer
Just leave me alone

Sorry I'm Not Better

They scream in my ears
How could I ignore it?
I am going insane!?
I feel so damn split

And I don't think you could deal with my darkness
You wouldn't find me glamorous at all
I'd rather not bring you down with me
Drag you with me in my fall

You don't know anything
About the pressure I feel
I'm sorry I'm not better!
But don't blame me 'cause I can't deal

I'm sorry the meds aren't working
And making you feel better makes me feel worse
I know you worry
But the effect of your caring is reversed

Inside

Cut me open
Take a look inside
What can you find?
What can you find?

Keep me wide open
Have a look inside
What would you find?
What would you find?

And I died
Like I flower
Withered
I cried
Like a cloud
Darkening
I hide
Like if running
From life

Cut me open
Would you dare
To find out
What hides
Inside

ångest gör dig levande, eller i värsta fall död

när kärleken rinner mellan dina fingrar
och tårarna fräter hål på ögonlocken
så kan man inte längre blunda och önska
att man inte var ensam längre
det är ditt eget fel
det var du som isolerade dig
känner dig död men
det är nog bara önsketänkande
för ångest får en att känna sig så levande
då man önskar att man inte var det

Fear

I'll drain my body
To quench your thirst
For life and meaning
My mind is cursed
My body is crumbling
Things intimidating
Blaming me
The things I was creating
In my head
In my heart
This wrath grew
That'd come to tear me apart
And under my nails
There's someone else's skin
I scratched them open
And wore thin
Someone's blood
Is pumping through my veins
To fill my brain with their thoughts
I'm tied up in chains
Bound to my problems
And bound to my guilt
For being so selfish
The walls that I built
To keep everyone in a distance
To not let them come near
After all
I might just be full of fear

Love

You poison my mind
With hope and warmth
Affection is a drug
With wrath inside
Addicting and painful
When you breathe in it's truth
If I'd come to love you
I would break again
I don't want more pain
I don't want more justice
For this is what I deserved
Don't bring me hope
About loving you
Smiles damn true
For I'm a razor
And I'll cut us both wide open

Blood-Red Sky is Black

Mourn the moon
Blood spilled tonight
Colored the sky red
But darkness took too much place
Where can we find it?
Cravings of the night
Hearts filled with shadows
And weakness
Belongs to only the one
Who seeks

Yesterday

Happy tears
Like a sparkling crown
I wore my joy
But then
You brought me down

Like when I couldn't take this
When I chose to leave
When I chose to hide
And I still put up excuses
That I still try to believe

I think about it often
Mostly the past
But what happened and dreams unfulfilled
Float together
And I can't see no contrast

The more time is ticking
The more you disappear
The smile, the feelings
I used to be sure you'd always stay there,
As an image in my mind, still clear

As I live in yesterday
I'm losing tomorrow
Fear for close relations
Fear from being hurt
This fills me with your sorrow

the Way Back to Yesterday

Do you remember the joy of youth
No problems involved
The summer nights and Christmas Eve
When tears weren't a daily ration
When pain where still a mystery
And crowds were less intimidating
Life just as it should be

But then we woke up
To grow up fast
Somewhere in the middle
We stayed
Somewhere in the middle
They put our place
And mom was crying,
Dad frightened us
Still we're desperately trying to find our way
Back to yesterday