Closing In

I am reaching for the surface
Eager to inhale the first gasp of air
Let the darkness dry away
Finally, finding everything out there
That I've longed for forever
While trying to gently repair
Growing from the inside again
I may think, all this time I've been unaware
Of all these treasures around me
Of every single smile I'll wear
But now I'll retake what I missed
And I'm truly ready, I swear
So I'm leaping out now
To show myself that I can, that I dare

What Mistakes?

I am laying in my bed
my heart is pounding
painfully
like any other day

but it's not like
any other day
for this time
it is you who is
pounding and
aching
inside of me.

Perhaps it's the usual
anyway,
I just remembered
that you've been
making me corrode
for years.

I don't even know
why my chest decides
to punish me,

I don't even know
what I am doing wrong.


I don't know
how to make me right.

Nightmares in Daylight

I'm still wandering the same damn path
as I've brooded on for too many days
and hours and years.
And I just came to realize that my flesh
has turned inside and out, so now my
internal organs are external organs and
the core is just nothing but skin.
Nothing but scar tissue.

I've been thinking about living and what
will happen when I'm there again. With
vitality streaming from my eyes once more.
But the hopes are sucking me back.
There's not much over for dreaming just
right now, since I'm still hurting too many
seconds each minute, too many minutes
each day.
And the other way around.

Have a look at my face, can you see it,
right there. The grooves on my face from
the tears I've cried and also the ones I
never could let out.
Why don't you say anything, you must see
them, the nightmares following me
wherever I go. Always one step behind,
whenever I turn around.
Why don't you save me?

My heart is beating way too quick now
and my face is vibrating,
my brain is
turning hot
and I cannot think because
my entire body is pounding.

Misdeed

Had I the power to trust myself
Every emotion and thought
Had they not been stained with doubt
The hesitation that demolishes
Tainting the steps I take forward
The approaching to finally break out

If I could love the one reflected
I wouldn't have to excuse my breaths
The proof of my crime towards our universe
The evidence of my vicious existence
Every footprint turns to a misdeed
Towards believing I seem to be averse

I'm trying to understand the difference
Between yours and my own view
To embrace the change of self-esteem
Leave the label of failure behind
Start to walk upright, environed by the air
And fully realize; there's nothing to redeem

Otakt

Mitt hjärta slår i otakt
Luften i mitt rum består av
För mycket mellanrum,
Alldeles för lite syre

Mina lungor klarar inte av
Att bära på mina plågor
De är bra, dock med
En svidande eftersmak

Taket närmar sig mitt ansikte
Hotar mig med linjer
Bländar mig med hopp
Snälla, tappa mig inte nu

Träffar jag marken krossas jag
Luften smakar underbart
Men försätter mig i trans
Jag tappar den trygga kontrollen

Mitt hjärta slår i otakt
Jag sitter och blundar,
Håller andan för att fördela
Jämnare slag i min bröstkorg

Ljuv

Mina andetag är bräckliga, sköra,
de får min bröstkorg att
skälva av behag. Rysningar,
de skrämmer.

Jag vandrar högt, månen är
inte långt ifrån.
Vinden smeker min hud utan
hjärta eller omtanke.

Gitarrsträngar kopplar mitt huvud
till den värld jag känner.
Jag smakar på öarna som råder
en bitterljuv röst.

Ljuset som speglas i mitt tak,
när jag blundar, kryper
för nära. Otryggheten i de
blekta strålarna.

Jag är skuggan som ej avbildar,
kylan i blodet. Våga,
inte närmre. Det förintar,
förgör de färger vi lever.

Surface

Time seems to stop for awhile
Perhaps to catch it's breath
It doesn't hold the same purpose anymore

You walked without even glancing
back, over your shoulder
You fled from future remorse

I want to reach for the air
molecules of oxygen and sorrow
Scream out loud; "I surrender!"

It's colder without your words,
trembling, quaking the wrongs
Vision seems now obscure

like tears falling on the surface,
making the world ring

Unreal

The dirt crashed down in my head
A different kind of state of mind
Where nightmares come alive
Where reality's undefined
Everyday with the goal; to survive

My sight's slit and my eyes have bled
There's another world in the shade
Only the contours of ours remain
I pretend that I ain't afraid
'Cause I'm playing in their domain

They hear anything unspoken and unsaid
Emotions are an open book they read
I must surely be about to go insane
When the limit of my pulse exceed
It doesn't matter how much I try to strain

The hurt fiercely invaded my sore head
Only to increase my body's tension
Everyone around me start to fade
I'm being sucked into another dimension
I naively try to stay here, but I cannot evade

Acid Crown

My head spins me out of place
Someone's dropping acid on my inside
It corrodes through my defence
To creep into my blood
There it'd come to infect my mind further
And I breathe in every piece of sunlight
Only to realize: the sun betrays me
It hides the bitter taste of darkness
Vibrating through my shell
I continue walking in my dreams
My place of being
The place of my mind's cheating torture
My hatred is overwhelming
Since I despise the one I call myself
It all comes to further harm
I find myself worthy of the crown of thorns
But I'm no redeemer of anything
Only the acid of my surroundings
My crown is my overtaking emotions
They're already full of stakes piercing me
I've already crowned myself

Dimmed

I find myself crawling in the dark mud again
It encloses me entirely, derisively quick
In a way I've stopped fighting it
In a way I've accepted that it swallows me
Perhaps I've come to realize my own part of it
And the shame is haunting me intensively

My nightmares takes form inside of me
Why doesn't anyone see them floating in my face?
Isn't it too obvious that I've been melting?
Isn't it way too clear how I've been boiling?
And I know it won't obliterate me
I'll only continue to shatter the one I was

I walk hollowly on my dimmed path
Trying to find some kind of end to the plague
You keep on boosting my hatred for myself
You keep on telling me how I am wrong
Even though your eyes speak more than your voice
Your hidden words are imprinted inside of me

Hollow Purpose and the Search for it

Incomplete beings moving forth and back
Searching for something to fill themselves with
We don't know what we need

I doubt we could ever fill that hole entirely
We'll never reach the state of being complete
But if we knew; would we proceed?

Perhaps the point is not success, but aiming
Maybe we aren't really caged by existence
How could we then be freed?

And if there is no greater purpose waiting
If life's just what we make of it ourselves
Then shouldn't living precede?

May 6 2008: no title

And the meadow stroked your legs

As we walked through our own eternity

Cold and hurt were not a daily ration

The world didn't seem that raw

And the spring would be from horizon to horizon

From one end to another

As the ground was moisture

Even though it hadn't rained for days

Smiles would last forever

Like the wind would always blow

To make us feel alive

And we made our own eternity

May 7 2008: no title

As I tried to fill this hole between us

While you kept digging

Emptiness or meaninglessness?

What would you prefer?

For we wouldn't smile

And we couldn't try

Concrete would fill the emptiness

But build a wall between us

And maybe,

This is where we were meant to go

Disintegration

Drill a hole in my head
I need to release the pressure
The filth is expanding
My bones cannot hold it back

Cut out this misery
All my blood is suffocating me
Rushing through me
Way too fast for me to handle

Anguish blinds me
I'm looking into a blank nothing
Bright, dimmed sight
I'm watching me disintegrate

War of Emotions

It's one of those tormenting days
I know there's no place to hide
Yet I keep on searching gaps
A safer space where I'd lie inside
Where the hammering from my heart
Wouldn't echo as much in my ears
If I could just escape the oxygen
Every breath seems so fierce
I find my eyelids trembling
Just like the rest of me
There's no tomorrow to long for
Since they're never anxious-free
I rub my forehead with my hands
Their movements hides violence
Chaos reigns over logic
And my senses grow more intense
The battles takes place underneath my flesh
Every cell in me seems to be in conflict
I feel aggravated disgust for myself
At the same time I try to contradict
It's just a day of many more
One day, I hope to break loose
When I'll find some sort of peace
But for now I'd be pleased with a truce

dreams

sometimes you tell me
about her and her friends
and her dreams
her dreams are the worst;
because I dream too
yet you never think about them
not my dreams
you say
'how awful'
or something like that
and that's it

but when you talk about her dreams
you've thought about them
and you've given her
your response
input
I want that response
so I try to seem
normal even though
I swallow a hard lump
and it's itching in my throat
and makes my eyelids
corrode a bit

I think about her dreams too
not too seldom
since I'm so jealous
I wish I could dreams like her
like that
so I could catch
your interest
and you would
talk to me
and feel
and I would hear it
in your voice
I would be happy so happy
that you'd care

though I think that my reality
perhaps is worse than
her nightmares
'cause sometimes
my socks merge with
my skin
and I have to tear
the cloth from my flesh
and oh god it hurts
so much but I don't
want to scream
when someone could
hear me

I want you to want to hear me

Parasite

She's constantly violating my inside
Wherever my internal organs lie
Trying to find every wrong in me
Ripping up every scab that's nearby
Anything she can reach is devoured
Any blame she can lay on me is set
She's trying to take control of our body
Like her pray I'm constantly caught in her net
I cannot even remember who's flesh this is
If I am the intruding parasite
Or if she fiercely invaded my being
But I know, she's like the monsters at night
And I stain my hands with red again
I don't know who I'm hurting anymore
Who I'm trying to drive out of us
I'm not even sure what I'm fighting for
She whispers in my head sometimes
Tells me every ugly aspect of my soul
Everything I don't dare to think about
Our hands before the eyes and I lose control
Sometimes I vomit in attempts to loose her
When I think the hurt will go away
If I only can seem certain for awhile
Perhaps she'll loose form and decay
Those times she laughs at me
Mocking my foolishness faking
"You cannot loose yourself,
Every time you try you'll end up breaking"

Belief

I'm stuck in the same
burning feelings
I don't think I believe

(But if you do exist,
God, would you
please save me)

I've suffered
it's aching and
I need to be saved

(Please, please, please
it hurts and God
I'm sorry I don't believe)

He won't save you
there's no almighty power
that can save you

And even if there was;
why would he save you?

(God I know
I don't deserve it
I'm filthy but it hurts)

He won't save me
either I'm not worth saving
or there's no saviour

I'm done,
it's okay,
it's always been
this way and
it doesn't matter

sleep.

could you please
let me enter your dream tonight
dream of me
give me life
through your mind

could you please

dream of me tonight
let me be a shell
of what I used to be
when I was breathing

Her Shadow

I knew a ghostlike woman
Without a real form nor any real smile
Like a shell of what she brooded on
And I don't know what made her hostile
I was hooked in between her claws
Perfect and tidy nails
She forced them into my being
Cut me without leaving any trails
I don't know why she was unhappy
I don't know why I was seen as the error
But I attained her verdict
To be inflicted with her tormenting terror

I once was under the reign of a woman
Who needed to convey her hatred
To blame someone for her misfortune
And make someone else the fault instead
I think she didn't want to see the whole picture
Since she kept herself out of the equation
And to curse an easy victim
Kept her in phase with her evasion
Though she shattered a childhood
And stained my future aswell
I'll break loose and I'll move on
But in her shadows is where she'll always dwell

Please, Love Me.

What do I have to do,
To earn my place in your mind
What do I have to become,
How would you have me designed?
To fit into your world
To let me step inside your private space
Where every grain of you remain
Behind the expression of your face
What do you want me to be,
To earn the conversations with you
To make my thoughts matter
How can I pull us through?
And I come to question sometimes
I can feel that you don't really want me there
So why do you bother to be with me
Why make me hope that we'll repair
When you don't even want to
When you know you're already done
Why bother to lie about my significance
And why do you keep pushing us on?
I want to be enough for you
Who do I need to be,
To have a place reserved in your head
To earn your thoughts about me
Hold my hand like you mean it
Let me step inside
Your voice is freezing me
I guess you just want me kept aside

It's Not You

You are not your haircut
Neither your new and expensive shoes
You are not your voice
Not even when it trembles
Neither are you your deep-blue eyes
Not even if they were green or brown
Would they be you

Remind yourself that you are not
Your body, your hands, your
blood-stained legs and scarred arms
You are not your laughter
Not your fears nor your nightmares
You are not your friends
Not even the cooler ones, are you

You are not your breaths
And they don't make you more alive
You are not your addiction to coffee
Nor the reflection you see every morning,
when you are brushing your teeth
Feeling better 'cause you know you won't smell
But not even your smell
is you

And not even your smell can make you more alive

You are not your smile, your face,
your bad jokes that everyone laugh at anyway
And when you think about it that way
You feel the fright (that isn't you)
From not being anything

Another Day, The Same

It's just another day
Of the same fucked up
Emotional balance
Like any other
With the same agony
And the same fears
I walk the same corridors
To reach the same rooms
How to break loose
When it's the same expressions
Facing my tire
Worn out face
In the same vacuity
That's my spared space
And there's nightmares
In your eyes
You look at me in the same ways
Without knowing that you're
Torturing me
With the same gaze

I am Revolting

So what if I would
Crash down in the mud
That I just threw up
Full of regret and shame
From squeezing out
The final drops of energy
I could spare

How am I to breathe again
Without my ribs piercing
My soul, my lung, my skin
Without my body crumbling
Without every step hurting
Like walking on broken glass
Spilled by me

And I lie, I lie, I'm a liar
I keep talking with perfect words
To hide the darker core
Rotten and revolting
My deepest shame is hidden
In between the lines
Inside of me

Adult Children

I want to lay my head down
Close my eyes
Kick and scream about
How life is so unfair
That I too wanted to be
Seventeen, sixteen
Fourteen, fifteen
That I too wanted to have
A normal childhood
That I too wanted to feel
Safe, loved, wanted
Secure, appreciated
I want to cry for every day
I never could play out my age
Every day I bled
And trembled, disappeared
Fell asleep in the bathroom
To wake up with more anguish
Every day I had to take care of
Problems à la grown up
And swallow my pity
Through my sore throat
Where I try to keep my cries
Held back, they hurt
They yearn for being heard
I have to move on
I'm growing up
And I've missed so much
That I can never regain
So my cries long for taking form
To slip through the wall I built
Just to keep me stronger
Almost like pretending
That they're not there at all
But now I try to look forward
I try to deal the good way
I'll get nowhere from kicking
Screaming, pitying
Blaming, claiming
The things no one can return to me
I'll try my best
To reach my goal
Yet I still cannot stop mourning
My broken childhood

Inner war

Afraid of them hearing that I breathe

I hold my breath as I walk past

Am I so unworthy of life

Why do I exist if I'm not supposed to last?

I've started questioning myself

Or rather the emotions I try to ignore

I've started a riot against myself

A war for the peace I aim for

When the waves have settled

And when the sky will brighten my sight

I will have revised my feelings

I'll have grown stronger from every fight

I'll walk past anyone while breathing freely

All the parts of me will be united as one

When I'll live for real with pleasure

That's when I've won

Dreamingly Beat

I want to reach deep inside of you
To taste your carefully hidden dread
Yet only if you'd let me
I'd listen to the words you've never said
And I'd try my best to understand you
You'd listen to the music from my eyes
Even though none of us knows the lyrics
We'd sing and improvise
And time would be nothing real
It seems it never really was with you around
Hours passing by while you'd touch a piece in me
That has been screaming forever to be found
Yet one cannot run from dream to dream
Hiding form reality, expecting not to partake
Every once in a while you find yourself sliding back
And sometimes you just have to be awake

Sight of Emotion

So she finds herself again
Looking up on the mighty, starry sky
That never stop to amaze her
That'd never give her an eternal goodbye
But for a moment can free her
For half a second they could let her fly

She's sitting here again
Gazing on the intense burning fire
Trying to solve a puzzle within her
Trying to figure out what she desire
How to heal the wounds inside of her
What does she need to acquire

She's laying down in the late hours
Staring into her cold-coloured ceiling
Finding herself lost in her shame
Trying to stop another heavy feeling
Keeping her body intact
Perhaps the blade's just too damn appealing

She's existing somewhere again
Keeping her eyelids shut tight
Trying to obtain control of her body
Trying to tell herself she'll be alright
And she's ashamed of that she doubt
If she really can win another fight

You're Feasting on Me

I've always wanted to be close to you
Not physically, I just wanted to know you
What happens inside your head
And I've always tried my best to understand you
I cannot do this all by myself
Cannot know everything you haven't said
Perhaps you're just unable to open up
To let go of your ego and see the whole picture
If you want to, keep your eyes closed
I will quit trying to force them open
I will stop dragging us on along
You won't notice when we're decomposed

I've tried so hard to hear you
Listen to the slient words in between your breaths
And every word you've loudly spoken
Yet I find myself trembling before meeting you
Anguish for long, cold hours
Just for you to make me feel more broken
When you actually dismiss me
When you actually make the coldness real
I cannot bear our burdon all alone
And you've always known it
The old wounds inflicted inside of me
You know it hurts more than I've ever shown

And I think you know that the way you're treating me
Reminds me about the hurt I've been through
Mustn't that mean that you don't care?
And oh, how badly I want you to give a damn
About that you're only making it worse
Making it tougher for me to self-repair
Yet I find myself to desperatly hold onto
Something secretly feasting on me
Something that might already be dead
I find myself fearing another embracement
For it to enchance me too much
I guess I'll just force myself ahead

Emotional Drug

I find myself stuck in between reality
Chasing myself through the days
All I can rely on is dreaming
Since my cravings cannot be breached
In this limited dimension
Where we loose the sight of ourselves
Giving our surroundings too much attention

I hurt from pleasurable emotions
Loosing track of what's what
I find myself floating when I
Really ought to walk
A completely new sensation
I try to snap out of it
I don't need another deprivation

Yet I find myself consenting again
To dualistic moments that amaze me
A bit cursed but yet so divine
Reality clench my bones too hard
Another rough agitation
I want to breathe so near
And my logics are put into disintegration

So I need to preserve myself
I ought to turn my focus back
But cannot release memories from my mind
They make me smile over and over again
But also make me falter gravitation
They rip me back to impossibilities
I'm already lost in ambushing sedation

The Strong

Common sense makes us dizzy
How could you get used to
Washing my blood from my feet
Taping me back together
Holding my hand as I bleed
We're surely offbeat
How to endure the wish to hold
someone trembling on the bathroom floor
Hurting from the past
Where there's nothing you can change
When it's too late to save
Just something to outlast
Just something in the common day of mine
You have to be a part of
To what you had to adjust
And carry me on
When my legs fail me
And again I scrape of the crust
To find me bleeding once more
How did you endure
Too see your own offspring break this much
And find your hands unable to heal
How much strength does it take
To be my crutch?

And how do you manage?
It's a mystery to me
Since now we've both been in so far
Running on the last slice of energy
Walking on to the excessive
To carry more must be bizarre
Yet you do it everyday
Your strength is impressive
And that's how you are

Tomma Korridorer

Med urgröpta hål i själen
Letar man efter skratt att fylla dem med
Men mitt högsta skratt har tystnat

Död går inte över
Det har jag alltid vetat om
Men aldrig förstått
Man slutar inte andas
för att senare börja om igen
Och lika tomt som i hans kropp
Känns hans plats inom mig nu

Mina meningar hänger i luften
De når inte fram
Och förblir en tyngd på mina axlar
De ekar runt omkring mig
Lågorna vill inte sluka mina ord

Trafik, röster, fotsteg, skratt
Allt liv finns runt omkring
Men en del i mig kan inte förstå,
får inget grepp om
Hur allting fortsätter utan honom
En sanning och realitet som glider ur mina händer
Samtidigt som den kramar luften ur mina lungor

Var skall jag placera alla skratt
de som var reserverade för honom
Alla delade tårar har torkat i mitt bröst
Blivit en hård klump
Som skär i mitt inre

Minnen vandrar som ekon
I mina långa korridorer
Där allting verkar kallt
Där lågorna just slocknad
I dina rum
Behövs din röst igen

Wrong

Every day that pass
Makes all the little things
insignificant
Every breath since you
fell asleep
Gets lighter by time
A hurting lightness
Tearing my existence
The burdon
that tore down yours
by weight
Is tearing me
with emptiness
A pinstriped smile
And a dusty eye
I seek forgotten words
And you ought to be here
You know
you ought to say
all the things you never did
You ought to be the one
comforting me
Just this time
You ought to be real
A red letter day
Never realized
That it might never come
alive
When you're not
Cut here and the drink
They should've shared
Yet everything,
(it's wrong)
Remain
How can everything remain
Without the core
the heart
a little grain
But you meant
So much to me

Vertigo

You're the eager voice
Sucking me down in the dirt
Luring me beneath my shelter
Leading me into new hurt
You're what I want
Yet also what I want to keep away
Since you're one of those
Who could only offer a ticket one-way
Out from my values
Away from my prosperity
Into your claws and my downfall
You would never speak to me with sincerity
Yet I want you to use me
I want you to make me crawl
I want you to abuse me
Since I seem to desire to fall

Silent Call

I don't want to be

your sex object

the one you touch

that way

the one you, without respect,

throw away

I don't want to be

the brainless

the one you don't bother

to talk to

the one you simply caress

the one with no point of view

I've got a shell that suits you

and I used to possess

much more to care about,

you cared about

I'm trying to impress,

I'm calling out

I don't want to be

your fancy doll

your beautiful marionette

who stand beside,

who you control,

who always abide

Can't you watch me

Like you did before

when I talk

so lively from my mind

Pull us offshore

Let's stop flying blind

Reach for me

reach through my chest

just pick up the mind

you once cared for

the mind you've suppressed

Let's return

to the way it was before

Jag,
som vandrar genom mörka trapphus
tränger mig igenom vakuumfyllda rum
sliter mig igenom bittert kött
för att smaka syre

Jag,
med kalla ihåliga gropar
som ständigt letar efter förlorade ting
offrar ord till lågorna
som vägrar lyfta mig

Nothing

I found myself in the same corner
With the same poison in my head
Mumbling out my antidote into nothing
As if someone could save me then
But only nothing would whisper back to me
And I would counter with screams
Terrified of hearing someone
Who possess no voice
And if nothing can talk to me
Could nothing also rip me apart?
With no hands nor any claws
Could it break me with no weight?
And the nothing I feel in me sometimes
Is it harmful too?
But nothing must always be
Something
Mustn't it become something
The moment it inflicts me?
The moment it tells me
What it claims to be truth
And if it still ain't Something
I must be the fault

Campaign

It seems the air is still as thick
Like mud running down my throat
I keep on breathing, heavy and deep
Force a laugh to roll through my mouth
And a smile to infect my lips
To pretend I ain't the black sheep
So I swallow a hard lump of tears
And close my eyes as hard as I can
But the air keeps beating me
To prove my impureness
A cyclone rampaging inside my body
Remaining intact ain't no guarantee
Corroding underneath my skin
And crawling upon it
There's something pusing my shoulders down
Making my bones cut my flesh
And there's something in my room whirring
But I know no one's around
The mud get's thicker
And it's got a bitter, sickening taste
I hide my face from a non-existing danger
The fear of something that already invaded me
Something that was born in me
I'm the hazardous stranger
Left alone with the voice inside of me
Slithering through my limbs
Trying to figure out how I can amend
Yet I endure, like always
Trembling and hurting, I stay still
Waiting for it to end

Then

I sometimes fall back into something that used to be
That stopped being 'now' for a long time ago
When I stare for several minutes
With shiny, distant eyes, I stare at nothing
And the gray people around me would after some time
Like many other times
Try to talk to me by asking if I'm tired
And yes, I'm tired, but not physically
Is what I tend to reply

And sometimes I feel so lonely amongst the gray people
You know, those times I stare and remember
It's like I'd wish for someone to gaze though me
See beneath that face and those shiny eyes
But I guess that is something impossible
For someone human and uninfected and maybe even whole
Or maybe people are just tired of seeing
After such a long time, since there's been so much time
Since 'Then'

It's rather ironic though, those details from 'Then'
That 'Then' that ain't now and hasen't been for years
Like how I never cried, except that one time
And that I never had any words for what 'Then' was
I think I fled in my mind
But now I cannot flee anymore, and I don't want to
Behind that stare of mine, those heavy breaths
I'm torn, and I'm being tossed
And it hurts alot when I'm thrown into
A side of my inside

I yet did not overcome the torment
But sometimes I speak of it
And I almost never cry anymore
When I speak
Does that really mean
that I am strong?

Reality

It's difficult to try and lift a mountain
And I guess my thoughts are just a bit lighter
Still that's nothing I want you to try
Actually I don't really want you
to read me anymore
And you lost the will to deal
Maybe it'll end for real?

Maybe it's safer with you by my side
But perhaps I don't want you too close
For how could I be your laughter
If you won't be my comfort
Maybe it's safer without you
When you cannot see what I feel
Maybe we were never real?

Det är läskigt i mitt bröst
Där hjärtat borde vara
Det har stormat där länge nu
För evigt viskar ingen
Och jag vill skrika nej
Jag tänker inte ligga här för evigt

A Place For Innocence

I guess I'm the same person
I've always been
And I guess you wouldn't notice
Every difference about me
Just because you don't
Look
You don't observe
When everything you
Take for granted
Is thrown down in the same ashes
Where I rest my bones
You still won't see your part
In everything painful
You still won't see
The blood you've spilled
You'll still be embraced by your own innocence
You still won't know how to use your eyes

Meaning

So when I find myself in the same
Down-dug hole
Where my face is met by regret
And confusion is all I speak
Wordless conversations with nobody
Pointless dialogues with somebody
Search for point and meaning
Of everything I do and don't
What I should and shouldn't
I revise my previous thoughts
But find nothing new
To put in the holes
To replace pointlessness with

Close Emptiness

As you held me and wondered what happened inside
Inside of this cold shell I wear
And I continued to mumble empty nothingness
It seems I've lost the will to share
I guess I wish you could read me
And I guess the truth's that you don't really care
So I built this fucking distance
When I really want you to see my dispair

When I lay beside the sleeping beauty, You
Sometimes my aching anguish keeps me from rest
My mind's the root of the suffering I endure
Also the reason for the pain in my breast
And it strikes me that you're so unaware
Is it my smiles that keeps the knowledge repressed?
Or that it just doesn't shine through my face
That you cannot believe everything I've expressed

I've been thinking about the embraces we share
We're so damn close, but I feel like I'm still far away
I wonder if you've even noticed my absence
But I guess this is okay

Footwear

My naivety always puts me
In new pairs of shoes
Just like the hundred pairs
I've fought myself out from
When will I give in
And walk with my guilt
Scattered in my smiling face
In the same kind of hard-tied shoes
I've been wearing the last long years

It's a surprise to me
That my feet yet ain't bleeding
And that I never seem to learn
It's not rightful to call it mistakes anymore
I guess it's more of an addiction

Break the Volume

And so a small dose of artificial serenity finds me
Little enough to fit into my pocket
A double-sided rush, firm but yet abstract
Concrete, still so diminutive that it's almost
as if one could breathe it
A small dose of calm, swallowing me
Such contrast compared to the usual storm in me
Rough enough to drown my own voice
When I talk to myself
Too overwhelming to let me sleep and dream in peace
But for now
I shall rest
The anguish voice in me has faded in this mist
(it's dismissed)
And I will break the volume with silence
And my ragged mind will not hurt
Not for a couple of dark hours
I won't tremble, I won't scream
Nor laugh or cry tonight
Indifference shall conquer me
And I'll let it, I'll let go of the reasons for now
I'll let me be
Let the time run on without me
Such an ease
To not sleep in my own violence
They can go ahead and torture me
Rape me in my dreams
These demons won't reach me now anyway
I'm using big words to fool them out of me
And I'm trying to forget their upcoming, fierce return
I will break the volume with silence
For when you dream while you're awake
They hide behind every possible corner
The huge, dangerous tiger
Ain't behind that corner
Not inside that room
But it's chasing me inside of me

Destruktivitet

Jag tog min skam i handen
Och tryckte våldsamt in den i min såriga mun
Den brände min tunga, min hals
Och jag grät
Samtidigt som jag fortsatte tvångsmata mig själv
Med mina egna misstag

Shame

Once more I broke down beside you
You stayed indifferent
I sometimes wonder what you think
When you're ignoring the content
These times I feel insufficient
But still you chose me whole
With scars and smiles
The one without control
Staked through by beams of light
As if exposing me
That would make me rot inside
I'm ashamed to be
So weak and twisted
Destructive and frail
What is there in me to love?
When I always tend to fail
So why would you choose me
The broken and insane
If you don't want the bad side
If you don't want to know my pain

I'm not Here

So when I woke up today

With an extra layer of skin

Dried onto my knees

Another day would begin

And I still walk the same road

I'd still go the same way

Eyes shut but still wide open

It's just like any other day

To stay right among you

When I'm really not here

And even if you hold me

You won't get near

Like life's meant to be so grey

So cold and hollow?

I want to break loose

I don't want to follow

And I'm intoxicated

I still walk the same way

You can still see me

But I've gone away

Demons of Mine

I want now to be past already
The minutes are so cold
Deaf screams inside of me
Are keeping me on hold
And a ripe sun is staring through me
Hiding a darker sky
That keeps on punishing me
For every time I don't try

We level up excuses
We act like we've been taught
And maybe truth is pushing me
Towards my demons I never fought
It's a sin to forget
And they're well at reminding
Intimidating hours
They're pro at rewinding

I want now to be long gone
I want to shine
Long moments before being pulled back
In this burning cage of mine

... . . ... . . . ... . . .

I seem to loose myself again
I cannot think clear
I readjusted easily
When I had smiles so near
But back into darkness
Pushed right up on a road
That I had walked before
Whereon I'd erode
Acclimating back
Ain't that fucking gentle
Punishing myself again
Unsentimental
How to reach back
Back to sanity
Leaving behind
This inhumanity
Torture of mind
And torturing me whole
I'll have to wake up
I need control

Moving on

You're the bittersweet emotion
Drowning me in regret
Pushing me down again
You won't let me forget
When I discreetly try to climb higher
Trying to move ahead
A look from you control me
Such a smile I cannot shed
And when hugs become a procedure
All warmth erased
Smalltalk won't make any difference
When one has been replaced
Difficult to move on
When nailed stuck in the past
As if the time weren't that long
Like if no years has passed
No time has passed for me

Breaking into two

How did it feel to
Be shut out from the game
Drenched down in guilt
You wear all their blame
Since long ago
You'd be hidden in a crowd
You barely say a word but
Your inside is screaming loud
Aching your head
Echoes vibrates through your frame
We're just blood and flesh
We're all just the same
So why aren't you?
Exploding
You'll be screaming, you too
Please find a shelter!

I'm imploding

Shut out

The frustration
In failing to reach someone
Who's sitting next to you
Who's breathing your presence

Still you know you cannot fix them
Cannot write scars undone
Neither read their mind
But his choice to shut you out
Is driving you mad

You're not the type who looks back
What do you want to tell me?
With your footsteps,
so determined
So disregarding me

Cracks

I'm all torn up by my ways
To conquer smiles everyday
Settle my insanity
Truly return to be okay
But how am I to work this
Out and inside
My worn out facade
Makes it
complicated to take the stride

Disrespected for long
And selfdestructive always
"You're not alone"
Tired of the fucking phrase
I've been good all the time
Put to rotten somewhere
How are you to tell me
That you know what it's like
That it's goddamn unfair?

How to look on time
Does it really matter to me?
If I remember yesterday
Broken in what degree?
What makes today different
Or is the question how?
Always or never
Whatever I feel like?
Whatever I allow

Separated

As like dancing on the thorns of the rose
Life's breaths unwinds us all
The beams of sunny anger finds us
Makes us feel so small
Thoughts nor feelings are kept safe
Alone, would you deal?
Regarding, dancing deep in one's eye
Can you tell me what they feel?

My mind is bursting out in panic
Paranoia and fear makes me blind
Buried deep inside my head
Your attempts to reach me were declined
Fingers longing for my thoughts
Nails seeking along my forehead
My dialogue kept with myself
I, who don't, but want to see me dead

Another smile is crawling on the thorns
Mist and sunbeams covering
The truth of a smile's despair
The one you're not discovering

Battle

Tension grows stronger by every breath
Like my body calls for saving
Comprehension is shrinking
Of the world that is craving

Insane my head calls loud
The inner battle with the foe
Retained inside of me
A view from long ago

Now it's time to stand tall and strong
Rescue is only available from me
Allow myself to let the weakness show
Instead of being a detainee

Growing, hurting, biting through every step
Illness conquers mind and soul
Flowing through my actions
It's time to grow myself whole

Childhood Claiming

With poison they'd capture my emotions
The part of me restraint
Keeps pounding, calling inside of me
Forgotten for long
Belongs in the past
Instead of taking orders
It's time to let go
Past belongs in past
I belong now

Heartbeats

I close my eyes to listen carefully
I can hear your heartbeats through your breast
The strength you're holding
You got me so impressed
To still stand tall in windy days
Dare to do the hardest
To face yourself and your weaknesses
All the things you've suppressed
I could regard you for hours
Feeling the warmth from your smile
And I precious every moment
Spent with you for awhile
But still I precious loneliness
To breathe and be on my own
I'm free from addiction
I've been taught to cherish to be alone
Alot of times I think of you
Like you're stuck in my head
Enjoying memories
Reflectioning on ideas and things you've said

Dare to Feel

When teared down again
Backlash mistaken for relapse
Tears streaming down when
You totally collapse
Tembling on the bathroom floor
No matter how hard you are trying
You act like did before
Cursing yourself for relying
The humanity is rushing through your seal
For it's human to meet fears
Embrace your ability to feel
Realize and hail your tears

Tribute

As it comes sneaking over me
It's breaths to choke my sore moving
And I lay restless on the floor
Unable to lift a limb
Blurred sight goes sharper
Every heavy breath I take
Is a tribute to the sunrises
When smiles awoke
To kill our panic
Just for awhile we could endure
With the knowledge of a saviour at dawn
My breaths are a salute to the world
That'd show me it's beauty sometimes
To happiness
That'll overwhelm me every single time
For I'd let it

Speaking of Fury

Craze me more than I've already been
Thy who could reach my point of view?
Amaze me, sky, scene your beauty
The final smile to us review

Thee speaks of famous poetry
As the wind speaks of poets' despair
Free am I as I've decided
Only courage and truth will I wear

Face every day with unswayed eyes
Dare to see the good and bad
Embrace improvements with your whole
Let trouble not drive you mad

Hon ler
Men vandaliserar ett rum i sitt huvud
All ilska och all ångest
Ilskan för ångesten
Och ångesten för ilskan
För trött trött trött
För att skrika
Kroppen lägger ner
Den orkar inte stå just nu
Lydia ligg ner
Ligg ner
Ligg ner för fan
Nej
jag kan inte
Jag måste vinna tillbaka mitt liv

Rain

Empty bowls
Your assignment to fill them
And when I poured blood and gravel in mine
Others found more creative ways and contents

Sometimes one wish themselves right
What would only make them more wrong
I've tried to improve
But ended up being me in the end again

And salt is raining down on me
Stinging my scars
For memories coming alive
To terrify me

Fool me back to old habits
Cheat me into new mistakes
When you cannot shut your ears nor eyes
You have to keep in control

Karuseller

Neddragen i min lya av skit igen
Jag gömmer mig under skrivbordet
Det otrygga skalet
Jag hör msn låta ovanför mig
Folk som försöker kontakta mig
Och om jag kunde ställa mig upp och logga ut
Men det finns för mycket hotande skuggor i ljuset
För lampan är tänd
Ett artificiellt ljus
Som ett fejkat leende
Vill det bränna mitt ansikte
Sticka mina ögon
Och jag andas in frånvaro
Från mitt förnuft och mig själv
Samma distans jag andas ut
Rummet vill snurra
Det vill leka med mig
Som karuseller, men jag blir yr
Jag måste ta kontrollen
Kasta mig ut naken i snön
Utan mask eller filter
Om jag bara kunde ställa mig upp
Men pulvriserade lårben gör ont att stå på
Knäckta vader gör ont att gå på

Naivety

Green eyes watch the scene of lies
Where to rely, where to trust
Stabbed in the back
Blind and naive eyes stare out in confusion

To forgive and forget
Or to walk away
My head is spinning me nausious
Please don't betray

I want to scream my lungs sore
Until my voice fades into a whisper
Scream for myself, scream alone
There's no one else to scream for

Vision

As the new day begins
I've been awake for too long
Watching the ritual
Without a sunrise
No pouring salt
In my eyes nor my soul
Just darkness
And the colour of nothingness
So I rise on my legs
Again I'll stand on them
While they're ready to break
Into two pieces
Again I'll walk on them
Question myself why
When it's so heavy, why?
Because it only matters to try

Again I'll smile
With only my lips
Blind people wouldn't notice
Because you cannot see with eyes
You have to observe with your whole
Your mind and your soul
To see through an opinion of fright
And the tears hiding behind
But it's so much easier
When you don't have to care
About the ones breaking down
Being swallowed by themselves
It's so much easier
To blame on your eyes
And the lack of your knowledge
When your helplessness really mattered

some lines

Strings attached to me
Stung through my skin
To tear me in different directions
To rise the ache within

And today it's too heavy
Way too heavy to manage
The shadows inside of me
Has got a scary advantage

I'll rise again
I'll come through whole
Even though it's broken
I shall try and fix this fucking hole

Old friendship

Old friend, we who lost touch
You still know me
For even if I changed
I still know how I don't want to be
And you're aware
That I'm still the same girl
Still the broken girl
Crying on the floor
Screaming silently
For someone to come save me
The nightmares during the day
Shadows in the sun
How can someone save me?
Still I smile, still it hurts
And I still can't sleep at night
I take the moments I get
To be vulnerable and honest
To lay bare for anyone to read
The moments when I'm alone
I'd let you see me

Unawareness

What came to conquer the year of happiness
Back when I felt and smiled and read
I want to walk through my own memories
And see them live again all around me
Feel their scent through my senses
That didn't smell a rose for years
Hear their laughs echo through my shell
That's still not empty, but still so cold
Like they stabbed it raw with 100 knives
Sliced through the flesh of innocence
To leave it to rot in it's own despair
As it desperately watches time fly away
And I can see how the world turns
The changes and sacrifices that is easily forgotten
Lost in the past and swallowed with dread
The regretting mind lets it sleep peacefully
To hope it'll never wake to awareness again
Hoping to not be tortured by oneself
Not in the past nor the future
But every act has got consequences haunting you
You'll meet them one day
And they will burn your face with revenge

Loneliness

As if there's ice expanding in my head
How could I make these decisions
When my skull is about to explode
Who could ever hold these untrue visions?

And dare to still breathe alone
Dare to sleep at all
I'm not sure I can trust myself
It's so hard to stand tall

When everyone's kicking you down again
And when your legs are shattered
Is there someone trustful enough to rely on?
Who'd show how much you really mattered

Even though your lack of smiles
They still found you beautiful and strong
For when your world's upside down
There'll always be a place for you to belong

But will you dare to take their hand?
To walk with support and care
Disease them with your sickness
Is that really fair?

What if you'd break the only ones
That would still try to reach out to you
Would this make you more alone?
More or less unable to get through?

Would it really matter
To tear the skies apart
Would it make you better
To stab your own fucking heart

Dear World

World, overwhelm me
Throb your music through my body
Let your rhythm pound inside of me
And let your beauty move me
Reach to hidden spots inside of me
Awake feelings I never felt before

Bleeding Monsoon

I went away to hide again
And this time the leaves were crying
Claimed me for my sacrifice
Teardrops like razors dyed me red
Stained my mind with guilt
Pained me with myself
The truth of failure
And the one I've become

Nightmares

The darkness falls so soon
A few bright hours every day
Some precious hours
The ones I sleep away
Because they wouldn't leave me
Leave my head
When I'm so fucking tired
They whisper about the dead
Why I should join them
In a hole in time
Sedated in serenity
Forever stand in prime
I cannot sleep
They've infected my mind
How would the ones around me react
Would I be left behind?
In fright and confusion
With lack of knowledge and braveness
Maybe they'd walk away
And I'd be left alone with my nightmares I guess

It's breaking me

The sixth of December
It's snowing in my mind
They're screaming inside of me
I'm out of reach for mankind

Breathing feels unrealistically heavy
Like it used to do before
But it really doesn't matter to the world
So I keep going, I try to ignore

Whatever is swallowing me
That made me this frail
There are no exceptions nor sympathy
To whom it doesn't matter when I fail

To walk or breathe or wake up
I got that it's not her aggression
But still breaking me
Still all the things to be my repression
And it's breaking me

Cancer

Cancer
Eating my mind
Eating my head
Feasting on me

The pills will sedate me
Make me go on
Taking away my shadows

I'll be your drug
Sweet and Addictive
You'll be my redemption

I'm filled with coldness
Frozen in deep
Taking away my emotions

Laying in darkness
Laying in sin
In the corner of the world
Where the nobodies live

I'll be your coffee
Bitter and dark
You'll be my refrain

Hard to get up
Hard to get out
Heavy to breathe
I think I'm breaking inside

Old times

The time of the sunrises
And I was amazed
Went through an important lesson,
Or was that just time to waste?
The best time of his life
And I tore it apart
Love sheds tears in teacups
To drown the heart
And I'm sorry I'm sorry
I cannot live a lie
Been there, done that
I cannot deny

Absence

I laugh and I smile
Absent from reality
What am I doing?
Freedom fills me with joy
And I don't ever want to leave
These fake emotions behind

They call my name
And I can hear them at a distance
It just doesn't matter right now
Because I'm walking in the world
The world you put me in
I'm walking in myself and I don't feel

For the hurt is downbeat
And my body's so heavy
My mind is so heavy
To not think I'll put up with this
Every breath to be strained
But I don't have to think

Black Sky

It crubmles me to be
The sunlight is far away
But I'm still able to observe it
See the beauty in everyday
Which can be tough
When I'm watching the other side
The starless view of the sky
How could this subside?
But still there's a beauty in raggedness
In broken skies oh black
I didn't give in
I yet didn't turn my back
Sigh with me and the stars
With their laments
About the crashed emotions
This unwanted event
I'm living in

Whole

And as I walk on every day
Step by step by step
One step at the time they tell me
I'm taking my steps carefully
To not stumble through my dreams
Right through to my nightmares
A diffuse line to me it seems
The cold, the dark, the hurt
They all try to bring me down
Where I walk alone
Their comforting embraces are far away
To keep me on my track
I need to find stability inside myself
The strenght to dare to breathe
A strenght to dare to play
For life's a cruel game to me
I try to find my comfort
The knowledge that I'll be whole again
Someday, I'll be whole again

Despise

And they whisper about me
Looks burning my back
About the absence in my eyes
What got me on the wrong track?

For there's lots of questions
I don't have any answers for you
Lights are blinding me
Shining me through

To reveal my broken bones
Torn by desire
Everything they want from me
And everything they require

Froze the inside of me
I feel so cold
Lost something precious to me
A smile made of gold

Choked on my tounge
That has spoken so many lies
Eyes whisper truth to me
How they watch me with despise

Solens strålar värmer min hud
Men når inte till djupet av mig
En frusen vrå av mörker
Försvunnen i förtvivlan
Det är tungt att andas
Något så simpelt verkar så svårt för mig
Något så självklart
Det ni gör varje dag
Kämpar jag med om och om igen

I'm Not A Text

I try to be hard
Stand there independent and strong
But when I try to figure myself out
I always end up wrong
Like torn out pages
And words diffuse and pale
I cannot read myself
Maybe stuck on a wrong trail
And my hunger for living
To crash through this fragile wall
That keeps me in this daily ration
Of hurt and pain and all
Still it's a comfort
When it hides me from the herd
The pressure and the raw surface
That used to get me burned
My head is screaming loud at me
Like my skull's ready to explode
And what on earth made me like this
Put me in this unstable mode

Not Enough

The sun can touch my face
Warm my skin
But the feelings remain
'Cause I'm still so fucking frozen within

I seem so damn okay in your eyes
But inside I'm torn
Humanity is easy to fool
With all the smiles I've worn

When I let myself rest
Tore down this disguise
Tears wouldn't stop and I weren't alone
A new time would rise

It's my fault 'cause I turned my back towards the world
I chose to close myself completely
I have to do things better, give it more effort
And it's swallowing me discreetly

How can I be enough in your eyes?
Will I ever succeed?
For you I'm waking up, I'm walking
I put so much effort just to breathe

Moonlit sky

I try to keep the surface strong
So steady and unbreakable as it can get
For when I once did let it go
This is just something I regret
But without the stars surrounding me
I wouldn't find the strength or will
To wake up every day
For the darkness is stronger still
The moon lits the sky in shades of blue
This is where I feel somewhat free
Where I can find my comfort
Where I can just breathe and be

Hear me

Heads hang low
My smiles tire me out
I can't deal with all of this
The expectations and my own doubt

Everybody seem to want things from me
The days are so fucking long
What do I want myself?
And I tend to do them wrong

When no one can see through me
And the faces I wear
They all listen
But no one seems to hear

Complainment song hidden in my voice
Broken wings cannot fly
When they cannot reach me
Where can I rely?

Despair

Eyes nailed to my back
But there's no contact at all
They put out a distance
Like I'm contagious
I'm trying to stand tall
But the sounds are damn persistence

To haunt me down forever
Never rest, never calm
They scream in my head
Am I just insane
When my mind is playing with me
Nothing I ever said

I never shared my darkest moments
Never wanted to drag them down
When it all breaks through
I scare them when I'm out of reach
Crowned in despair
Who really knew?

Buried

Water cannot wash away my sins
But it only makes them sting me
Reminds me of the cold I felt
That came over me again
So deep down was I
Drowning in the soil above me
And you keep pushing down more
Like you're trying to bury me

Relinquish

There's dust in my mind
Whenever I try to remember the past
There's mist replacing time
But the feelings will outlast
Sunk deep within myself
All the time it cost
And if you don't play, you cannot win
I played, we lost
How to crawl up again
To rise above the skyline
Take back what I lost
The things that used to be mine
Regain the control of my thoughts
And master my emotions
To reach inside of me
Give myself devotion
Listen to my own will
And live for it as far as I can go
To breathe for myself
Accept everything I know
This will not last forever
I shall not join the deceased
One day I'll conquer
One day I'll be released

Smile With The Morning

Chains in my legs to prevent me from going my own way
They're all dragging me down
Forcing me in their direction
Why is everyone pushing me around?
To make them all feel better
We sacrifice my will
And they put up these expectations
That I could never fulfill
For what if I won't get better?
The thought struck me from time to time
Forever tortured in the rain of fire
Haunted in the same prime
The golden morningsun came smiling jeerfully
It's breaking me over and over again
That I cannot smile with the rest of the world
Something so plain
Seems so out of reach for me

Breaking Down

Poison imagination throbs through my mind
Forever, they are whispering in my ear
If I created them, then why can't I remove them?
Like water, just to wash away the austere
Tire broke into my body
But they are jeering me with laughter
And now I feel so alone again
Who could find me in my head thereafter?
A complicated being will never be able to deal
With themselves and in what they drown
Dreams when you're wide awake seems so real
They will make you break down

Punishment

As they cut my face with shreds of time
Because I couldn't catch up
After a long time running I sat down to rest
And I didn't rise again
So they punished me for not trying
Confusion got out of hand
And broken bones didn't matter
They cut my face with shreds of me
To bring new kind of tears to life
Streaming through my soul
Tormenting fire burns inside my mind
For I've been bad, for I have lied
Desperation turned to panic
But it still hurt too much to move
Painkillers cannot let me rest
They came to punish, you see

Blacked Eyes

Bitterness crawls under your skin
You can feel the taste in your veins
And as the most beautiful smile was killed
Torn out and only illness remains
Depression sourced in the lung
That quickly was filled with stone
And in every breath you felt the weight
How heavy you were on your own
Who would understand with these smilies
Of how it could crumble you in different ways
How to explain the hurt inside of you
Or that you're ablaze
The brain isn't working like it should
When there's so damn much on your mind
And if you can't even remember
Whatever lays behind
Then mustn't you be blind?

Erasable

It pains my eyes to see how far this went
The deeper blue, higher sky
So much more unreachable in the present
Than I ever thought I'd come by

As my feet feels like as if made of stone
I rarely get out of my shell
And the feelings are to me well-known
When some days are just another new-born hell

Sometimes curiosity makes me wonder
How I managed to sink this deep
And I dragged them with me far under
As if they'd stay with the black sheep

The girl who cannot rest
Her nightmares coming alive
That seems insane to the unpossessed
But the empathic could connive

Behind a steel-worn face
Hidden emotions with perfection
Carried out with full grace
Shattered in her own protection
It's not erasable

A new way

Another pathetic poem
Of the same damn complications
How many different sentances can I make
How many different formations
Out of the same dirt and soil
That I got stuck in
When will my poems form a solution
So I can begin again
Start on my new chapter
That I dream of so damn much
When will I be ready,
To live on without my pills as a crutch
As I can feel things that aren't there
My mind reaches a loaded state
Out of logic and sense and reality
And I just cannot think straight
Something captured me in this matter
How will it end?
Maybe when I change my ways
Or when I would stop to pretend
Embrace the problems in public
Stop pushing the truth away
Deal with myself
Not a single fake smile would show on my face
Let's rise this new day

Sleepless

Wide open eyes
I don't dare to close them
Time passes by slowly
And I don't dare to move
I cannot sleep

My head is full of darkness
Crawled inside an innocent mind
Screaming in my head
No one else can hear them
I'm insane and I cannot sleep

Heavy breaths she draws occasionally
Night is growing bigger, brighter, darker
But I'm still awake
And I am still afraid
An edge too damn steep

Broken thoughts turns into dust
I am still awake
The world is resting peacefully
Sunrise burns my eyes this time
Depression rooted pretty deep

Four-thirty, five-fifteen, eternity
Time is watching me
And anxiety can see right through me
Reading my every breath
And I still cannot sleep

Screams

Hands in my head
Reaching for my thoughts
'Cause they wouldn't dare me my privacy
I only faced ignorance
Wherever I went

And every word I spoke
Was gently taken care of
They put my sentences in a folder
Along with my emotions
They wouldn't spare me my mind

But the heartbeats couldn't tell
How painful it was
For I am normal
There's nothing wrong with me
Apparently I am okay

If my lungs would run out of air
Filled with soil instead
Thick dirt in my veins
Thick dirt running through my brain
And a buried mind somewhere

My Violet Sky

As the world is crying
Little drops on my hands
And I'm living in my violet sky
For what could make me more real?

I prefer my dreamland sometimes
When the world is too raw
And the summer days have never been this cold
The sunlight has never been so cold before

Cracks on my wall
It's falling down on me
It's all coming down on me now
Reality would strike me hard

Punished for hiding
For living in my head
They'd come to drag me back
To the cold summer days

loneliness

And as the panic would strike me
In my chest late at night
I wonder why the hell I cannot breathe

And you make me feel dead
Why am I still walking?
Why would no one come to rescue me?

Could they even?

When I would push them away
How come I claim for rescue?

I left myself alone

I'll Try To Explain

When the world around you seems to brighten up
The summer came to sing you it's song
And everyone's smiling, everyone's glad
But still you cannot belong?
And you try to smile like the rest of them
You really try so fucking hard
But cannot stay calm
'Cause you're still on your guard
In these times it tends to come strike you
Take your breath away
You might have had rest for some time
But you know this will betray
For it always returns
To drag you down again
Will you always be living like this
On the edge to insane
And the bridges you burned
For the fright was too intense
To be left behind by the ones who cared
You built a wall so damn immense
And you confuse yourself
Something inside you is misplaced
Like a growing, black hole
Or a rope 'round your waist
Making in difficult to breathe
Something so plain
Is so damn straining to you
And what will remain?
When it's finally over
When you've gone through
The things breaking the person you were
What will be left of you?