I hate myself every night

when I undress my face

and turn off the lights

I race against my mind

to fall asleep before it grows

before my rib cage swells

every night

I despise

the flesh I lay on the bedside table,

the marks I leave everywhere I am,

this sleep is poison

No! You've grown
- Bitter?
New message:
Weary

Wear me
Like a noose

döden på en tisdag
är ett slag i magen
även om man kryssat för varje dag i kalendern

Ideal

Ett finn crisp innehåller 25 kalorier
vid det här laget har jag utvecklat en egen taktik
för att inte tänka på det
som att titta rakt in i tapeten när jag klär av mig,
med ryggen mot spegeln

Nästa Sekund

Inom alla ting finns det en djup avgrund
Halkar du i så går det bara nedför
Du kommer bära mörkret som en tumör
Som aldrig kommer ge dig en fridfull stund

Nu är jag fylld av ilska och tung avund
Kan ej balansera mitt tvära humör
Var jag än befinner mig, vad jag än gör
Så väntar jag alltid på nästa sekund

Och ja, nog har jag blivit ganska bitter
Mina mardrömmar bräcker samtliga mått
All den skräck och ångest som jag besitter
Sorgligt medveten: man skördar vad man sått
Och jag planterade grus och glassplitter
Hur kan jag då förvånas av vad jag fått

Taurus famn

Jag är en austronaut inombords, bor under orions bälte och cassiopeias tron
framför lågorna finner jag min egen frizon, där jag eldar tankar som klöser i mitt huvud
även när det är minus trettio grader så reser jag i universum
en miljon ljusår bort, för att få lite andrum
och jag kraschar gång på gång in i plejaderna
vilar mellan raderna, mellan dinosaurierna och nomaderna
mina ord är inte mer än ett koncept
en hjord av tankar rusar genom mig
för det finns så mycket ouppklarat här,
så jag släpper varat, existerar uanför mina rädslor och mina besvär
jag släpper huden, benen, blodet och mitt namn
och jag lägger mig i taurus famn

När jag var en flicka brukade jag implodera
för jag kunde inte riktigt sortera alla intryck
alla känslor blev en storm, en stor tornado
Sedan sprack horisonten, och ingen märkte någonting
I efterhand har jag sagt mig till mig själv att jag bara hade otur
För jag var askungen och behandlades som ett skadedjur
redan när jag var 9 år gammal föll domen
och i fem år trodde jag, tills benen gav vika
och nu äter jag zoloft och lyrica och allt är mycket bättre
även fast jag inte finner sinnesro, så vill jag väldigt gärna tro
att en dag, så kommer jag dit
och jag är sällan missnöjd, trots daglig oro
trots att jag är lite sinnesförvirrad, lite av en eremit
för jag kan resa i tiden, jag kan andas stjärnstoff
jag har tillgång till eldens hamn
och ibland kan jag släppa huden, benen, blodet, och mitt namn
och vila tryggt i taurus famn

Brev från framtiden

Det började i början av 2000-talet, men det är svårt att säga när exakt
Med FRA-lagen skrev svenska folket på ett kontrakt, som var mycket svårare att dra sig ur än vi trodde
Nu, talar ingen längre om terrorister i mellanöstern, alla som fångas är på våran egen mark, inom våra gränser
Och deras brott är deras åsikter, terroristiska influenser,
får de tala fritt, kan det få ödesdigra konsekvenser
Nu, är alla misstänkta, och ingen känner sig längre säker, för vi alla tänker det vi inte får uttala
Så vi är alla illegala i våra huvuden, (förutom några få, ideala medborgare)
Men vi vet inte vilka dem är
För det är dem som tjallar på de som råkar anförtro sig åt fel person
Sedan försvinner dem... men ingen vet egentligen var dem hamnar

Men vi är fortfarande en demokrati, det är tillåtet att skapa opinion
Man får tycka vad man vill, enligt våra ledare
Och vissa gör det, om sjukvård och bensinpriser, utan att de blir omringade av poliser
Det är bara vissa åsikter som räknas som blasfemi, och du bör fan inte tänka dem tankarna
Som rätten till en transparent stat, eller rätten till att få vara privat, eller önskan att slippa bli soldat
Och du bör fan inte ifrågasätta något rapporterat attentat, för konspirationsteorier vill du väl inte ha i garderoben?
Du vill väl inte bli påkommen med löjliga fantasier om ett annat samhälle, där du får tycka vad du vill
För jag ska säga dig att det finns inget sådant ställe kvar på våran jord!
...men ingen vet, egentligen, om det stämmer

Det har gått femtio år nu, sedan IPRED och NSA,
Och det är faktiskt lagar som tillträdde för våran säkerhet, även om de inskränkte våran integritet
För nog är det väl bättre att leva än att dö med frihet? (Det är vad jag har fått lära mig.)
Vi har det ganska bra ändå, även om det inte är tal om utlandsresor utanför turistställen
även om man inte får gå omkring hur man vill sent på kvällen, även om nyheterna kan jämställas med reklam
och kristendom, judism och islam är helt avskaffat
så får man i alla fall gratis utbildning, och vi får jobba med (nästan) vad vi vill
och det är nästan rörande,
att vi var tionde år i april, så går vi och röstar på våra skenval
men har inte bytt president på trettio år, han kanske är ordförande för båda partierna
....ingen vet egentligen vad som skiljer dem åt

Om vi hade vetat vad som skulle hända tvivlar jag på att en enda människa
skulle varit tyst

Du har inga broar bränt

Du har inga broar bränt, fastän de står där i ruiner
Och spelar det någon roll för dig - när det ändå inte är du som ska passera dem - du kallar oss; att marschera dem!
Allt det som hänt, ansvarar ingen för, och du förstår inte, att det ibland är fel att INTE agera.
Där står du passivt agressiv, säger att du har ryggen fri, men
varför, måste du då försvara dig?
Med smygelaka kommentarer, behandlar du oss som utbytbara, bryter ner vår kritik med din jävla retorik
Fattar du inte skillnaden på fakta och etik?
Men, vi är din enda barnaskara
Och varför, betyder vi inte mer än såhär?

Du säger "sluta upp med det där! jag älskar er mer än något annat på denna jord"
Men dina gärningar lever inte upp till dina ord!
Tro inte att vårat band klarar vad som helst, bara för att vi är skapade ur ditt kött, ur ditt blod
För vi kommer fortfarande i andra hand
Ska detta repareras så är det på dina villkor - vi ska helt enkelt gilla läget
Jag trodde du hade lärt dig mer av allt som hänt under dessa år

Nu skulle du troligtvis påpeka, att det är jag som inte förstår, att jag inte ser hela bilden
Och jag kan aldrig vinna mot dina argument
men bara för att du vinner varje diskussion, varje krig med ord, så betyder inte det att du har rätt
Ser du inte att det stigit dig åt huvudet?

Du har inga broar bränt, fastän de står där i ruiner
Vad som är gjort är gjort, jag ser min del, jag ser att jag också gjort fel
För jag stod bara envist och betraktade branden, min tystnad förlamade stämbanden
Du vill inte ta ansvar,
Du vill bara glömma och gå vidare, men utan att ta oss på allvar
missar du att se att skadan är större än den någonsin varit förut

En dag vaknar man bara,
och finns
Blicken likt ett tomt papper
Forskande
Som en rejäl blackout
Så vaknar man

Du

full av förakt
förlorar ingenting
när du begraver ännu ett minne

en egen värld
skriven av dina händer
mer likt en labyrint i ditt eget sinne

ingenting rasar
när du låter det falla
ögonen öppna men du ser inte

i din värld
finns jag inte längre
Du har redan allting

kall parkett mot ländryggen
skallbenet sjunker ihop och sorlar dovt
det är imorgon snart

hjärtslagen upplevs vissna,
med varje slag inifrån träffar ett utifrån
men det går inte över

jag låtsas längta,
jag har varit här förut
kall parkett mot ländryggen
snart är det imorgon

Evolutionen

mitt i evolutionen gjorde du din entré;
som en solförmörkelse
när jag var någonstans mittemellan
och du var på slutdestinationen
- stationen du hängt kvar på sedan dess

ofärdig plockades jag under våren
kall och stel och öm
för att skickas ned, huttrandes på golvet
ett eget helvete i någon annans värld
jag bar en krona av skam

vem hade jag varit idag
om inte du vänt allting avigt
om inte du hade vässat din blick i min hud,
skyllt din olycka på en flicka som inte ens var din
som inte ens var född

jag trodde att allt var meningen en gång
att jag föddes som en stor reva i molntäcket
guldkanten utbytt mot två fingrar
långt ned i strupen
ut med hatet i desperation

vem hade jag varit idag
om jag trott mig värdig liv
om inte du hade krossat dina flaskor mot mitt hjärta
utan att röra dig ens en centimeter
från ditt stålsatta fort

mitt i evolutionen gjorde du entré;
ödelade allting där du vandrade
berövade mig mina vingar, förankrade mig till världen
det verkliga lidandet
- där jag föddes igen

Fingeravtryck

Länge har jag vandrat bland de andra
De med långa fingrar som fläckat ner min hud
I världen där jag alltid var missanpassad
Hade de röster som viskade knastrande oljud

När deras vassa händer skar genom mitt kött
Blev alltid en djup längtan inuti mig uppväckt
Jag bar på något tungt mellan mina celler
En hemlighet inom mig som ville bli upptäckt

Var gång de snuddade vid mitt yttre
Lekte jag att jag var någon annan, något korrekt
Som de skulle nå, som de kunde förstå
Någon som skulle förtjäna deras kärlek och respekt

Jag använde mig av grovt sandpapper
För att sudda ut sotiga fingeravtryck från min hy
Var gång, lämnad med en länsad kropp
Attackerade jag mig själv med min egen avsky

När jag blickar tillbaka över helheten
Trots alla snedsteg, trots en dovt ärrad kropp
Har jag inget förlorat, inget är förstört
Snarare har jag skapat mig framtidshopp

Blodpropp

Min far har fastnat i mina blodkärl,

som en klump som bara växer

oavsett hur mycket jag springer,

hur mycket jag än flåsar och gråter

Min far har nog tappat greppet,

där han lägger sig på mina axlar

och barnsligt säger att det är hans rätt

att göra vad fan han än känner för

För min far ser inte sina egna fel

hur han trampat snett än en gång

bedövad i sina fötter blossar han

på sin adrenalinrusande undergång

Min far har fastnat i mina blodkärl

glömt bort att allt får konsekvenser

jag hör hans högljudda tystnad,

hans rättmätiga val att ignorera -

som våldsamt bedövar mig

Förintelsen

Jag ser bilderna av mina barndomsförebilder rasera
De underbara, ofelbara, räddarna av allt
Deras misstag smetar ut bläcket min värld är ritad i
Som tunga droppar sänker dem skeppet
Varje möte mellan papper och vätska, rätt och fel -
Explosioner som krossar mina fiktioner
Här, i det svarta havet förintas min fantasiverklighet
Drömmarnas roder splittras skoningslöst

Det är här ute, i floder av intet
Som man blir sin egen hjälte

Sorgekomplex

Jag antar att jag hade

komplex över min komplicerade sorg

för den var för påträngande, för tung,

den föddes ur ingenting

Jag gömde mig med den

så att ingen skulle känna den ruttna stanken

av komposterat hjärta, fuktskadad hy

så att ingen skulle rynka pannan

Rädd för att bli avvisad

att vara för tråkig att vara runt omkring

att vara för tung att bära, för stel, för stum

jag antar att jag skämdes

På nätterna när alla sov

vågade jag krypa fram, ut i världen

ömmande knän, bönande till natten

"snälla, jag vill inte lida mer"

Jag antar att jag var för ung

för att kunna hantera sältan på kinderna

och kanske var min omgivning oförmögen

att hantera trasiga själar

Jag antar att jag hade

komplex över min komplicerade sorg

kalkerad av minnen, inkräktaren i mig

född ur tortyren-

ingenting

Too many wasted years

I spent too many years with a man
Who could feed lies to my face
So I blamed myself for my jealousy-
For the doubts I couldn't erase

He fed his ego with the others
Those who kept me withered in anxiety
He made me believe I was the one;
I wish I hadn't been part in his variety

I spent too many years living his lies
He hid his infidelity behind my back
And watched how it burnt me-
He regarded my world turn black

All the games he played on me
Has truly got me mortified
I must've meant very little to him
Since he put the truth aside

I spent too many years with a man
Who only saw others when it was beneficial
Who had an ego that overcame all;
All his conquers were unofficial

All the eyes I must've met
Who knew just how I was cheated
All the eyes who knew who he was;
Egoistic and conceited

And don't you dare call it love
To hurt and mortify another
To betray over and over again
To cover it with smother

I spent too many years with a man
Who should have let me go long ago

Revbensburen

Jag krossade barriärerna vi byggt
För att klättra ur min revbensbur
Där jag spenderat oändliga timmar
Pressat kindben mot bröstben

Ömmande, bultande frihetsdrömmar
Hämmade av lättantändliga andetag;
Skulden när du smekte mina skråmor
Vi rev oss alltid på varandra

Reflektionerna på ögonlocksinsidan
Mörkret visar avskalade sanningar
Jag pressade möra ben mot varandra
Stängde alla vägar in till mig

Barriärras och bitter frihetssmak
Precis som jag föreställt mig det
Tiden kräver många fler timmar
För att bleka blåmärkta kindben

Jag ser en framtid i horisonten
Benhögen stirrar på min ryggtavla
När jag styr ömmande fotsulor bort
Mot bländande frihetsvaksamhet

Tyst Melodi

Mina ögon etsar sig fast i dig
Jag tappar kontrollen över mina blickar,
mina lemmar, mina leenden
Jag skjuter tanken långt bort
På konflikten mellan verklighet
Och detta maskhål i den

Jag faller mellan dina revben
Hög på fingertoppars melodi
Men när musiken stannar
Står jag ensam i stormen av mitt sinne
Med en fot i våran bubbla
Och en fot i en kall verklighet

När musiken stannar
Imploderar min bröstkorg igen
Mina dansande händer
Blir till darrande händer
Och luftgasen som jag andas in
Blir till brännande syre

en hemlig värld

Det finns en hemlig värld i din säng,
under ditt täcke blomstrar mystiken


En trappa ner
hälsar jag på verkligheten
Som en hammare mot min bröstkorg
En tsunamivåg som förstummar alla rörelser

Här nere
väntar den blå ångesten
Med knivar riktade mot mitt mellangärde
Gång på gång kliver jag naivt in i plågorna


Det finns en hemlig värld omkring dig,
där glömmer jag det mörka
där dina ögon kittlar min insida


Här nere
väntar självhatet
En pågående självdestruktion
Inifrån och ut, förtär den mig

Jag ber om tillträde
Stunderna då jag blottar mig själv
Och du välkomnar allt jag ger
Blir en tunn spricka i min verklighet;

En kontrast till min realitet

Våran Grav

dina kyssar hade alltid en bitter bismak
liksom hur mina läppar smakade salt
av fyra år i hålet som vi grävde
där jag väntade troget

du var alltid upptagen med trivialiteter
där du gick, omgiven av ditt eget buller
ibland såg du ned på mig, log,
förklarade din kärlek- gick

ibland kom du ner på en kort visit
berättade om hur otroligt glad du var,
för att jag var där med dig
för att vi var-

dina kyssar hade alltid en dödlig arom
du såg på mig genom en dammig hinna
kanske var det därför du inte märkte
att jag var där själv

jag fyllde min mun med jord varje dag
för att dämpa den bittra smaken när jag
såg upp- ut- såg ljuset
där du vandrade

                               utan mig

Heartbeats

Heartbeats - your heart is beating me
I wasn't supposed to give in
My inside cracks open with every breath
I stand here, revealing my skin

I'm terrified - I've seen this scene
Each time I painfully choked
And for every shared touch
More angst always awoke

Dizziness - I tremble before you
And only indifference is reflected
Help I need help I need air
Was this really unexpected?

Heartbeats - I'm completely infected

Sunburned

The sun decends to haunt me

Not leaving a single shadow

No escape from the burns

Of thruth, that it deals me

My eyelids glows red

When I try to evade it

But my inside already ignited

And reality flickers in my mind

Anxious Essence

You could summarize my life
With words like terror and fear
I was always so anxious
And I seem to be a light-year
away from being free

Every day I face the torture
Going on under my skin
Like cloaked demons invading
Shaking all that's within
me, what you cannot see

It seems to be a part of my essence
Like I'm bent to worry
I've always been patient
But in the end, I want to bury
the life-style of dread

Hope seems to be slipping
Will I always carry this pain?
That I've tried so hard to loose
Will every future day contain
this inner torment?

Labyrinth of Desire

All of their wishes and desires
Vibrates throughout my limbs
Turns into screams in my breast
Deafening my own passion
It's a cursed compassion
That's having me distressed

'No' is the hardest phrase
That I could ever utter
My heart screams the word
That I'm not allowed to release
Instead my pulse would increase
And my desire stays unheard

For I never learnt the meaning
Of being my own individual
The angst is always greater
When I try to put myself first
There's still a sickening thirst
I just don't want to be the traitor

Annihilation angst

My ribcage is about to explode from the pressure
That never gets relieved
As I keep on tumbling towards distant goals
That yet are not achieved
I realize that all this time I was the one
Who had me deceived

Long ago, I decided to conquer my future
With any means required
I thought it would do with being aware
Of what I really desired
Yet the days move on too quickly
And that motivation expired

So my heart moans out of the inner torture
And my limbs won't obey
How did I lead myself here - in this vacuum
Why would I stray?
Everything important to me
I seem to push away

My ribcage has a bomb ticking within it
I try to lay low
Terrified that another wrong step
Would make it blow
Fireworks as I go under - look
It's making me glow

Retained Words

There's a whisper deep within me
That I enshrouded long ago
Back when the sky became a graveyard
For someone I used to know

I hid the words with aching care
Slowly, I swept them away
In a way they make history repeat itself
It's like I loose you every day

There's a whisper deep within me
That I'm trying to retain
Saving a compaction of everything
I'll say when we meet again

Waking dream

My mind flows in separate directions
Recoloring everything I know

I try to tame the beasts in my chest
I wish to breathe, I want to grow

Yet I find myself in the same old terror
Each tarnished step burns and aches

My mind splits and shatters before me
Each thought turns into quakes

I must've brought my nightmares with me
When waking up in this brittle reality

I must've stored the acid in my rib-cage
Filled it up with pure brutality

But these trembling limbs are my normality
And I think sanity might be a triviality

Slipping Acid Thoughts

Is that you bent over the edge
Between sparkling decadence,
Coalesced memories and dreams,
Deciding where to lay all sense
Patching yourself along with
Soft and bitter evanescence,
In a way - searching for reason
Secretly contemplating coincidence

Is that you glancing at your shadow
Lost in the limits of gravitation,
Diminished cause, damaged effect
Fragments lacking destination
History-phobic, addled comfort
Retrieving holes on imitation
Shielding from implication - are you
Watching your mind in disintegration

Luckor

En flicka som
spelar spel med sinnet
som bedrar minnet

Snälla, finn ett
fel i hennes ögon

se hur dagen blåser
bort - hon springer i skräck
I svindlande psykoser

och ansikten blinkar
i svällande brunnyanser och
talande turkoser

Snälla, finn ett
fel i mina minnen

Sökandet efter min essens
i fragment av en våldssekvens -
mina ögonlock försvann

Vi reser genom svarta hål
håll i dig, det blir turbulens
Jag hittar inte rätt frekvens

Bilder stulna från min hornhinna
- ingen här kan påminna

I nervtrådarna var något intvinat
väntades, redo för att sluka
allt jag tror jag såg

Men långa fingrar är aldrig ödmjuka
när de har makten att ta -
makten att missbruka

Contradictions

I regard a story on repeat
Once again, my world is quaked
What broke too long ago
Still lingers in me, not awaked -
This hunger never fades

As truths are shattered
I relish to experience to be real
Placid storm on rampage;
These emotions I cannot seal
The hunger pervades

I regard a story on repeat
This chaos has got me seized
I don't want to evaluate
This hunger needs to be eased
It could starve for decades

Reversed delight conquers
I cannot be pleased

Mitt bröstben kokar
Jag är trasig,
glömd,
gömd
För mycket
för att andas

Consolation

This state of mind I'm in has lead me
On a path quite different from the one I desired
I used to fight back against this evil within
But I assume I've thought it over, I've grown too tired

For there is no such evil I can win against
The way I see it, I cannot fight the air like that
Putting my energy on the wrong place
The past years, I'm the one I've been striking at

For my inner to one day be mended
I must drastically exchange my attitude
For something productive; instead of sowing bitterness
I should fill my heart with blooming gratitude

And I must learn to accept whatever
Life decides to teach me - this is my role
And when I think about it on sleep-deprived nights
I guess it seems that none of us will ever be whole

Aberration

A handful of bittersweet down my throat
A vaguely sweet flavour for a bitter cause
To proceed ahead - I'll force open my jaws
Reason conquers, emotions way too remote
For sense made the better draw

My heart disconcertingly lingers in the past
To face the day, I force my eyes open wide
I want to be caught, I want to be untied
Yet I resist - inside, all memories massed
Today and yesteryears, they collide

I guess I recieved the clouds I deserved
For I misread the substantial similarity
So I absorb this bitter kind of clarity
To keep the core of my courage preserved;
I will always try to pursue verity

Superficial Solitude

Well-known, hissy whispers
Physical touches like
Superficial shocks
Numbing the solitude,
The void
I live too momentarily
Forgetting for now
Recoiled back the next second
I search endlessly for
Whispers to sedate my hunger

Bloodletting

When I drop my intestines on your floor
Will you laugh- will you be disgusted?
Search my face with burning scepticism
Realize that I'm way too maladjusted?

If I say then that I've been waiting
That there wasn't room inside of me-
That something had to go eventually
Would you ask me to leave you be?


Gazing at my guts that make out patterns
Where our only limit is imagination
Would it hold sympathy and affection,
If I'd distinguish your soul's vibration

Right then, when my filth is exposed
Could my shame ever be relieved?
And would all your impressions of me
Mean nothing- everything you believed


Explaining how I've been knowing how
Everything in me would have me burst
And that I've walked with horrid ideas
As my mind anticipated the worst

If I would tell you everything like that
How my angst is like another dimension
That cannot fit within my aching body
Would I really have your attention?


If I would enter a state of muted shock
I assume you'd show me your dismay
Like I picture two worlds fiercely colliding
And I'm pretty sure you'd walk away

Merged Memories

Memories that are nailed to the walls
My mother used to mention them
That was why we had to leave, she said
She felt they were consuming her

Some years later I found myself there
Memories had merged with the concrete
Where I had been living for years
And I walked through painful memories

There must be an art of letting go
Since it's so much harder than it seems
I never felt nostalgia - but nausea
We could've pretended nothing happened

I left the concrete that wore the past
Ghouls play the drama all around me
Vivid images I never could forget
Seizing my concentration, my motivation

Perhaps the memories united with my skin
Maybe embarked my blood vessels
There should be an art of moving on
For if it was an art, I could master it

Prensence of Future

Tomorrow never has the time to wait
For someone who's stuck in yesterday
It's hard to move on forward when
Bones are smashed, when limbs won't obey

To struggle to stay one step behind
Yet never dare to loose motivation
You were passed down to your lane
It's your mission - your damnation

Tomorrow never has the time to linger
For those of my kind; who never keep in pace
When your past seems morbid, out of tune
It's hard to see life as just a temporary phase

To choose what is your destination
Also to head for that direction
It may not be what you expected
There's no such thing as perfection

Tomorrow never has the chance to choose
A goal, a mission, a purpose to start from
While you hold your own power
As you may decide what to become

The Butterfly Effect

Whatever bleached
my dreams - they are now like a
butterfly with a

set of pale wings
Mournfully taking each wing-beat
with ignominy

Creating chaos,
burning colour along with
vitality - yet

another wing-beat
To force destruction on
the rest. I dream just

like the butterfly
creating armageddon
With air, with grey, with-

out realization

Horror

The world around me keeps contracting
Tuning in with the colours of the night
I'm searching for something distracting
A delicate shred of hopeful light
As I squeeze my kneecaps tight

To stay in reality, this thing called sanity
To never give in to my disorder
While receiving this twist of inhumanity
And keeping my mind in order -
Always balancing on the border

Tripping on the edge of nightmares
Hell and heaven ghoulishly combined
Where I loose control, where it ensnares
Madness along with fears, entwined
Delusional or not - I'm too blind

As the angst crawls out of every pore
Manifested as insects creeping on my skin
I scratch my body burning red, I can't ignore
It absorbs me increasingly, just can't give in
Just another struggle I must win

Eventually it'll end - for this time
I know it'll strike me again and again
Exhausted, I pound my heart in grime
The motivation I utterly have to maintain
For the harmony that I'll one day obtain

Klarhet

Jag sliter lös min
hud; för att blotta skuggan
den döljer - såsom

solen bemantlar
sanningen, vilseleder,
fräter hornhinnan

Blekta bilder som
försvunnit, vinden tickar
Vrider sig, kväver

tankar jag inte tänker

Thoughts of Fairytales

My thoughts are wandering
In and out of my brittle mind
To taste the flavour of the world
All expressions - still unrefined

They heedfully take their steps
To grasp all kinds of views
That the world has to offer
They are still way too diffuse

They thirst for new aspects
To curiously and slowly inquire
Wishing to ponder, reflect on about
Anything - whatever would inspire

To fill my skull with new ideas
New ways to use my blinded eyes
They tread with care to find new ways
Where I sit here once again - to revise

Breaking Loose

I've shut my eyes for years now
Had a hard grip around the past inside me
Yet I have to break loose now
I'll hunt the joy that she denied me

I know I've resided for too long
In nightmares; prints from the past
Stories of horror dancing on my eyelids
My purpose was sadly miscast

To say I tried my best to loose her
In every reasonable sense
Would have me lying, forever denying
Of my sumbliminal defence

The reality wasn't real without it
When no one proved me my place
Obliterated my joyful mind -
Deprived me of my earned space

I know that I don't need to evoke her
To lead my life the right way
For I've chosen another path now
And my current value - I'll defray

Glödande Tankar

Mina tankar smattrar mot mina ögonlock
Som meteoriter som inkräktar på atmosfären
Som färdas från en värld till en annan

Som duggregn mot ett fönster en tidig morgon
Innan solen dragit dagens första andetag
Och eldat bort alla spår från igår

Mina tankar är små, brinnande vattendroppar
Som för ett okänt krig i rymden för de som sover
De skalar av verkligheten dess hud

Inunder kokar magma som mirakel

Explain Me This

Show me something I know of
Reach into your magic pockets
And show me something that hasn't changed
Something to prolong the past and
Forget the present for the moment

Show me something I once knew
That can prove to me that I'm still
The same loveable person that he loved
While he was breathing
The same person that wasn't enough

Show me a real reason;
Some sense in this rearranged reality
For this new air around me scares me
And I cannot quite relate
When he's just a shred of a memory

Kemi

Jag regnar in i dina armar
Skärvor av minnen och tankar
Du håller något trasigt så hårt
Att det nästan känns helt

Tiden försvinner när vi andas ikapp
Smulas jag sönder när du rör mig
Så är det bara aska -
Stoft från igår

Faithless

I cannot really blame you

Since I know that I'm wrong

The seam that broke the pattern

The tone that failed the song

Whatever made me so revolting

I missed something fundamental

That made me just not belong

That made my existence detrimental

And had I just been someone else

I wouldn't have had to inure

To accept my place in this world

To realize that I'm the one impure

You were the one who taught me

What was my rightful place

There's something bad inside of me

That I haven't yet managed to erase

Crumbling

This is how I'm crumbling
As we're wide awake, silently
caressing each other by mumbling
Loosing to each other
in dreams awake and asleep
where we are nakedly tumbling

This is how I'm breaking
You hold me hard but you can't
feel how our dimension is violently quaking
But you whisper to me
That we will be okay together
And you caress my body that's shaking

My reality is disrupting
You've again spoiled me the fun
that our breaths are always interrupting
But now it doesn't matter
Dreams and wishes I used to want
are washed away as my inside is erupting

Forget Me

Bittersweet yearning blooming in me
I feel the need of you near
Desire burning violently as we
Try to make this more clear

Oh fuck, I'm so terrified
How long have you been waiting?
I'm struck - I wish I had complied
Your affection is now abating

My longing turns to dwelling
It seems you are way stronger
I wring as you're exceling
I understand you can't wait any longer

I know that I'm not worth it
It's been paining you, my dear
I owe you the benefit
To move on, away from here

So tomorrow will brighten
Sometime I'll get past this
Stuck in sorrow, it'll whiten
Bleach, fade - the last kiss

Urge

I offer you my body

Harm it however you wish

Use it to the definite limit

Don't mind my anguish

Eventually, it'll vanish

I'll get used to anything

Just please, don't pain my mind

Stop torturing my heart

When you're so unkind

When I am left behind

I'm ready to compromise

Since you keep haunting my heart

I thought I was free, but

I was yours from the start

And I'm too weak to restart

So I offer you my body

You can damage this useless shell

I just want to keep my sanity

Since you won't break your spell

Since you're impossible to repel

I will satisfy your hunger

If you relieve my pain

I can no longer respect you

But this love, I can't contain

You keep driving me insane

In-Between

Push me over the edge
Don't leave me in the middle
Only half yours,
Half mine

I've been burning forever already
You know that I'm sore
So don't let me be just half friend,
Half more?

Darkness

I devour the darkness you feed me
You've made me fear the light
I've embraced your verdict on me
Your rules have become what's right

Broken ain't enough for you
You remove my skin like orange peel
I've got nothing to loose anymore
My salvation is to evade to feel

Let's not speculate too much
In why you're secretly poisoning me
I can't expose more hurt to you
You're the limbo from which I have to flee

I devour the darkness you feed me
You've made me reside in the shade
And without anyone noticing
It seems I've started to fade

To Not Forget

The memories are coming back to me
Of the years I spent ablaze
Too small to see the big picture
Too little to figure out the maze

No one ever saved me
From her obscure abuse
I've got no proof to show you
Looks and words, they don't bruise

Time will heal the wounds, they say
Yet four years later, they still bleed
For long I've stayed patient
Hoping to someday exceed

Life has been exhausting
To constantly be distressed
All I wish for now
Is to finally get some rest

Mannen

Soluppgång. När han
vaknar så bränner han sig
på vintern.

Han är aldrig sen;
för det existerar inga
ljud, bara ord.

En kall kaffekopp
som ingen spillde. Någon
höjer volymen.

Wandering Hope

It was early autumn, not spring
Still she planted all of her seeds
Solemnly waiting for them to grow
Walking along the dying weeds

As I was watching she sang to them
Promised them summer was closing in
I grieved her work in vain
Her hoping eyes, her wrinkled skin

In the past that was lost in oblivion
She had been living as the crow
Now she was dressed in green
Never expecting the snow

I walked away before the cold came
I couldn't stand to watch her die
But I know she was still waiting
As the frost drew her sigh

Search

My legs are failing me
As I beg them to walk away
The lump in my chest cannot decide
If it wants me to stay
All my limbs betray

Indecisive and distressed
I am facing my bones
I climb my rib-cage
Which is full of heavy stones
They're responding with groans

I set out to search myself
For strenght that I lack
It's too late to resign
I cannot turn back
To where it's always pitch black

Shadow of the Self

I've resided here for years
With a hunger for the freedom I try to attain
But this torture now feels like home
I fell in love with the blood and the pain

Intoxicated from the rush of vertigo
I'm balancing on a border
Dreaming of slipping, yearning to fall
My sense is out of order

I cut loose a piece of mind
That I'm saving for the sunshine
As a hope of regaining my goal
The only piece I won't consign

For I invested it all
Because I couldn't let go of the torment
That I've feared my entire life
That followed me wherever I went

In the end I find myself too weak
To break loose from was has been
My security in the shadows
Is what makes them win

Forget

It was long back in time
When I was searching for the way that was mine
Forcing my lungs to make my breaths rhyme
As if it would make me fine

I crawled upon the mountainside of my rib cage
Exploring new parts of my soul
Between my bones, a hidden door to my rage
A power I can't control

I wandered towards the brightening end
Collecting stones as souvenirs
For the memories I want to extend
To avoid them to vanish along with tears

Beneath Sanity

My cheek pressed towards the cold tiles
The world seems so terribly unreal
As I seek the patterns closer to the ground
To wash away everything that I feel

I'm defying bound laws of nature
How could I still imperfectly exist?
I'm buying time with every breath
Terrified of finally being dismissed

To realize that every stage was not
Perhaps just someone's forgotten dream
I idealize escaping from rhyme and reason
To break loose, to head upstream

But hiding from space and time
Is impossible for someone bound by pain
I keep confiding on this uncertain air
I keep heading on an anxious terrain

And when time has lost it's sense to me
When this rush has subsided
As the prime of sorrow unfolds ahead
Is when emotion and thought has collided

End

I've come to the same insight as before
Finding my thoughts condemning your deeds
We're only rubbing wounds that are sore
And even though my heart bleeds
I know, eventually, the angst recedes

There's this power growing inside of me again
I'm starting to feel increasingly brave
You eyes and words behave so inhumane
Even though my emotions still crave
I've got myself to save

I've know all the time that I have to turn away
For my throbbing body needs to smile
There's no point in waiting halfway
I can't stand you being hostile
Not even for awhile

You've shown me that I'm not worth to cherish
I can't continue on denying
For it would only make me perish
We can't go on foolishly trying
Because we're already slowly dying

Nightmares

I'm violated fiercely

Forced through my pride

Thorns of words and limbs

All shame, applied

I find myself not moving

Not even an attempt to break loose

But even worse is

How I make up their excuse

I must find myself unworthy

When I'm not surprised of such a quake

I only feel myself as empty

When I'm actually awake

Hope

I survived on this hope

Like oxygen

In every breath

I grew stronger and

I wonder where

My strength is now

Invested my everything

On being happy with you

All emotions in

But you were cheated

Your shadow

Fooled me, you, us

I am watching myself scatter

Once more I'm torn down

I wonder where

My hope is now

Open My Eyes

There's a scent of destruction

Evolving in the gap

For the snares you put out for us

To catch us in your own trap

The remorse must be unbearable

For letting me bleed

Finally you are realizing

This ain't what I need

So we keep exchanging kisses

There is no forever

No plans for tomorrow

No hope whatsoever

I know I'll wake up soon

From the sweetest nightmare

Without your breath in my ear

That is fading all despair

Blindness

You may not be able to
Appreciate what you've got

Only hunting what you could have

And certainly what you cannot

I could give you all I have

I've done it before

But why give me to someone

Who only wants more?

I guess I'd be better off alone

Without my wounds full of your salt

To escape the feeling that you give me

That all is my fault

Because I know that I am strong

That there's much in me to care for

And perhaps someone else could

Love me even more

I could be happy, you know

Why should I stick around you?

You blind me too often

Still I keep pulling through

Idiotic, that's what it is

That I keep letting myself grieve

Instead of accepting what I'm worth

Instead of letting myself leave

Changes

We cannot erase what has been

Even when we're downed

Time will forever win

When misfortune would surround

To make you stick around

Impossible to replace

What you don't want to see

To learn to truly face

Our bound reality

And the one you came to be

I want to have my own hideaway

Where I can bloom

Where I can calmly stay

There no one could resume

What I want to entomb

Remember

It's like there's someone's blowing my

eyelids

In directions I have yet explored

But I don't think

I want to regard this

There is no change of the past,

nothing I can do

It happened

I don't think

I want to remember

It Happened

"There's no pride in conveying"

She shut her eyelids hard

"As I was saying,

You have to stay on your guard"

Her voice seemed barred

I watched her walking on

Like she had no past

Seeing future in the dawn

Yet I knew, her misery was vast

Her secrets would outlast

I watched her being torn

I saw her in fright

We all lived with the same scorn

But she was too young to stay upright

Too frail to not get stained by the spite

She laughs all the time

No one around her could tell

When the guilt would climb

To have her dwell

In her memories of hell

"There's no point in talking

About what has been"

I watch her, still walking

With her hurt shut within

A facade worn like skin

Hollowness

I know of nothing

But buttons in elevators

They have no numbers

No levels to reach

There is nowhere to go

No past and no beginning

I know of nothing

But the blank buttons

And suddenly she'd scream

To no one, she'd scream

Begging them to stop

Stop going nowhere

And I think she filled her pockets

With broken bricks

To unite with gravitation

I think she wanted purpose

We're floating above her

Intoxicated with buttons

We're pushing nothing

To go nowhere

Released

He was staring at the scenery
Sick of being overthrown
Tired of feeling guilty
For emotions, to others unknown

There was a part of him whispering
Longing to be free
Let out from his shadowy place
Where he cannot really see

There was not lacking love
But endurance was running out
He was unsure, uncertain
What importance was about

Smiled and kept his mouth shut
Ashamed of feelings wrong
Secretly, wanting to be released
But silence prolonged

Pulverize

I find myself hoping
You'd crush me
With your soft palms
Pulverize my hurt
Along with my being

I discover myself aching
For millions of reasons
Known and unknown
Eyes set on future
Yet I dwell on

There's nothing but scar tissue
Thick skin-looking surface
Hiding the filth
From what has been
What should never be again

My emotions suffers vertigo
And in a way
I wish you'd free me
There's parts of me
Waiting to let go

Cast me Away

There's a thunderstorm in my chest
For reasons I cannot see clear
Something just ain't right

Somehow I need to break loose
Face that I don't need you near
My trembling eyelids ignite

It's raining inside my broken mind
I have to let go of a scorching fear
There's a story to rewrite

There's a past infecting my breaths
A future to benight

Care

Let me bury my eyes
In your hair
And I won't have to face
The darkened air
For I don't really want to
Turn from you

Yet I keep inhaling
My decision
I ain't yet failing
Despite the collision
I shall walk on
I've already gone

If I leave my heart behind
Will you keep it protected?
It's already confined
Completely infected
Yet I know I really need to
Finally leave you

The Thirst of Touch

There's a sorrow screaming inside of me
Thirsting for the touch of your skin
And this reality keeps hitting me like a wall
I'd need to have my body made of tin
To not break myself when I fall

The lack of armour lets your words sink in
Awakening the hope I wish I'd let go
As I try to stand tall, I pretend that I'm brave
I try to tell myself that I will grow
Yet I find my heart depraved

When you enter my mind, I cannot think
There's just a huge emotional desire
What kind of future am I fighting for?
What in this choice is there to admire?
I close my eyes, I ignore

Hurt Me Again

You entered my picture, shining
Confident about that you wanted me
Back in the days when I was still defining
Who I wanted to be

You spoke about liberty and of love
In a way I never had heard it before
Walking beside you, I always was proud of
Each day I miss it even more

But you were a preacher, you didn't act
At least not according to what you said
Comparing to now, back then I was intact
Still I'm not sure, how to force myself ahead

You're playing on my shame
Trying to regain what was broken and lost
Hurting me further, when you try to reclaim
I guess you cannot see, there's always a cost

I assume you don't really understand
That there are consequences to each move you make
You shouldn't deserve to reach my hand
And I wish, I didn't want to partake

Grey

There is something grey
Evolving in my stomach
Fading my eyes into shadows

Giving birth to a monster
Through my fingertips
It rises from my head

There is a beat chasing me
Invading my breath
Venomous heartbeats erupts

I am drifting above sense
I want to take part of the world
The genuine gravitation

There is something grey
Taking me over

Forward

I'm trying to forget who I was
Leave the past behind me
Releasing it on a stormy day
To let the wind carry it away
Far away from me and
The one I'm supposed to become

So Long

I always gave it everything I had
I can leave now, without the remorse
that will be haunting you

And I'm sorry for you
I'm sorry you were sleeping for
years and through every try I invested

I'm sorry you lost something precious
Someone you now realize
you broke over and over again

I'm shall grow stronger and I will
forevermore shine

I'll never let someone
crush me again

Crushed Dreams

I've seen you
When you sweep crushed dreams
under your sheets
Pretending
That nothing needs patching
And my mother used to stitch
my torn clothes
Started mending
my sliced thighs instead

While I have been trying,
for years,
to heal the holes inside of me
Backlashing over and over
and over again
Always rising once more
to give it another try
I've grown tired
of residing here

I'm afraid of finding myself
Sometime in the future
Hiding my scattered dreams
Just like you
Even to have forgotten
That I've swept them away

Closing In

I am reaching for the surface
Eager to inhale the first gasp of air
Let the darkness dry away
Finally, finding everything out there
That I've longed for forever
While trying to gently repair
Growing from the inside again
I may think, all this time I've been unaware
Of all these treasures around me
Of every single smile I'll wear
But now I'll retake what I missed
And I'm truly ready, I swear
So I'm leaping out now
To show myself that I can, that I dare

What Mistakes?

I am laying in my bed
my heart is pounding
painfully
like any other day

but it's not like
any other day
for this time
it is you who is
pounding and
aching
inside of me.

Perhaps it's the usual
anyway,
I just remembered
that you've been
making me corrode
for years.

I don't even know
why my chest decides
to punish me,

I don't even know
what I am doing wrong.


I don't know
how to make me right.

Nightmares in Daylight

I'm still wandering the same damn path
as I've brooded on for too many days
and hours and years.
And I just came to realize that my flesh
has turned inside and out, so now my
internal organs are external organs and
the core is just nothing but skin.
Nothing but scar tissue.

I've been thinking about living and what
will happen when I'm there again. With
vitality streaming from my eyes once more.
But the hopes are sucking me back.
There's not much over for dreaming just
right now, since I'm still hurting too many
seconds each minute, too many minutes
each day.
And the other way around.

Have a look at my face, can you see it,
right there. The grooves on my face from
the tears I've cried and also the ones I
never could let out.
Why don't you say anything, you must see
them, the nightmares following me
wherever I go. Always one step behind,
whenever I turn around.
Why don't you save me?

My heart is beating way too quick now
and my face is vibrating,
my brain is
turning hot
and I cannot think because
my entire body is pounding.

Misdeed

Had I the power to trust myself
Every emotion and thought
Had they not been stained with doubt
The hesitation that demolishes
Tainting the steps I take forward
The approaching to finally break out

If I could love the one reflected
I wouldn't have to excuse my breaths
The proof of my crime towards our universe
The evidence of my vicious existence
Every footprint turns to a misdeed
Towards believing I seem to be averse

I'm trying to understand the difference
Between yours and my own view
To embrace the change of self-esteem
Leave the label of failure behind
Start to walk upright, environed by the air
And fully realize; there's nothing to redeem

Otakt

Mitt hjärta slår i otakt
Luften i mitt rum består av
För mycket mellanrum,
Alldeles för lite syre

Mina lungor klarar inte av
Att bära på mina plågor
De är bra, dock med
En svidande eftersmak

Taket närmar sig mitt ansikte
Hotar mig med linjer
Bländar mig med hopp
Snälla, tappa mig inte nu

Träffar jag marken krossas jag
Luften smakar underbart
Men försätter mig i trans
Jag tappar den trygga kontrollen

Mitt hjärta slår i otakt
Jag sitter och blundar,
Håller andan för att fördela
Jämnare slag i min bröstkorg

Ljuv

Mina andetag är bräckliga, sköra,
de får min bröstkorg att
skälva av behag. Rysningar,
de skrämmer.

Jag vandrar högt, månen är
inte långt ifrån.
Vinden smeker min hud utan
hjärta eller omtanke.

Gitarrsträngar kopplar mitt huvud
till den värld jag känner.
Jag smakar på öarna som råder
en bitterljuv röst.

Ljuset som speglas i mitt tak,
när jag blundar, kryper
för nära. Otryggheten i de
blekta strålarna.

Jag är skuggan som ej avbildar,
kylan i blodet. Våga,
inte närmre. Det förintar,
förgör de färger vi lever.

Surface

Time seems to stop for awhile
Perhaps to catch it's breath
It doesn't hold the same purpose anymore

You walked without even glancing
back, over your shoulder
You fled from future remorse

I want to reach for the air
molecules of oxygen and sorrow
Scream out loud; "I surrender!"

It's colder without your words,
trembling, quaking the wrongs
Vision seems now obscure

like tears falling on the surface,
making the world ring

Unreal

The dirt crashed down in my head
A different kind of state of mind
Where nightmares come alive
Where reality's undefined
Everyday with the goal; to survive

My sight's slit and my eyes have bled
There's another world in the shade
Only the contours of ours remain
I pretend that I ain't afraid
'Cause I'm playing in their domain

They hear anything unspoken and unsaid
Emotions are an open book they read
I must surely be about to go insane
When the limit of my pulse exceed
It doesn't matter how much I try to strain

The hurt fiercely invaded my sore head
Only to increase my body's tension
Everyone around me start to fade
I'm being sucked into another dimension
I naively try to stay here, but I cannot evade

Acid Crown

My head spins me out of place
Someone's dropping acid on my inside
It corrodes through my defence
To creep into my blood
There it'd come to infect my mind further
And I breathe in every piece of sunlight
Only to realize: the sun betrays me
It hides the bitter taste of darkness
Vibrating through my shell
I continue walking in my dreams
My place of being
The place of my mind's cheating torture
My hatred is overwhelming
Since I despise the one I call myself
It all comes to further harm
I find myself worthy of the crown of thorns
But I'm no redeemer of anything
Only the acid of my surroundings
My crown is my overtaking emotions
They're already full of stakes piercing me
I've already crowned myself

Dimmed

I find myself crawling in the dark mud again
It encloses me entirely, derisively quick
In a way I've stopped fighting it
In a way I've accepted that it swallows me
Perhaps I've come to realize my own part of it
And the shame is haunting me intensively

My nightmares takes form inside of me
Why doesn't anyone see them floating in my face?
Isn't it too obvious that I've been melting?
Isn't it way too clear how I've been boiling?
And I know it won't obliterate me
I'll only continue to shatter the one I was

I walk hollowly on my dimmed path
Trying to find some kind of end to the plague
You keep on boosting my hatred for myself
You keep on telling me how I am wrong
Even though your eyes speak more than your voice
Your hidden words are imprinted inside of me

Hollow Purpose and the Search for it

Incomplete beings moving forth and back
Searching for something to fill themselves with
We don't know what we need

I doubt we could ever fill that hole entirely
We'll never reach the state of being complete
But if we knew; would we proceed?

Perhaps the point is not success, but aiming
Maybe we aren't really caged by existence
How could we then be freed?

And if there is no greater purpose waiting
If life's just what we make of it ourselves
Then shouldn't living precede?

May 6 2008: no title

And the meadow stroked your legs

As we walked through our own eternity

Cold and hurt were not a daily ration

The world didn't seem that raw

And the spring would be from horizon to horizon

From one end to another

As the ground was moisture

Even though it hadn't rained for days

Smiles would last forever

Like the wind would always blow

To make us feel alive

And we made our own eternity

May 7 2008: no title

As I tried to fill this hole between us

While you kept digging

Emptiness or meaninglessness?

What would you prefer?

For we wouldn't smile

And we couldn't try

Concrete would fill the emptiness

But build a wall between us

And maybe,

This is where we were meant to go

Disintegration

Drill a hole in my head
I need to release the pressure
The filth is expanding
My bones cannot hold it back

Cut out this misery
All my blood is suffocating me
Rushing through me
Way too fast for me to handle

Anguish blinds me
I'm looking into a blank nothing
Bright, dimmed sight
I'm watching me disintegrate

War of Emotions

It's one of those tormenting days
I know there's no place to hide
Yet I keep on searching gaps
A safer space where I'd lie inside
Where the hammering from my heart
Wouldn't echo as much in my ears
If I could just escape the oxygen
Every breath seems so fierce
I find my eyelids trembling
Just like the rest of me
There's no tomorrow to long for
Since they're never anxious-free
I rub my forehead with my hands
Their movements hides violence
Chaos reigns over logic
And my senses grow more intense
The battles takes place underneath my flesh
Every cell in me seems to be in conflict
I feel aggravated disgust for myself
At the same time I try to contradict
It's just a day of many more
One day, I hope to break loose
When I'll find some sort of peace
But for now I'd be pleased with a truce

dreams

sometimes you tell me
about her and her friends
and her dreams
her dreams are the worst;
because I dream too
yet you never think about them
not my dreams
you say
'how awful'
or something like that
and that's it

but when you talk about her dreams
you've thought about them
and you've given her
your response
input
I want that response
so I try to seem
normal even though
I swallow a hard lump
and it's itching in my throat
and makes my eyelids
corrode a bit

I think about her dreams too
not too seldom
since I'm so jealous
I wish I could dreams like her
like that
so I could catch
your interest
and you would
talk to me
and feel
and I would hear it
in your voice
I would be happy so happy
that you'd care

though I think that my reality
perhaps is worse than
her nightmares
'cause sometimes
my socks merge with
my skin
and I have to tear
the cloth from my flesh
and oh god it hurts
so much but I don't
want to scream
when someone could
hear me

I want you to want to hear me

Parasite

She's constantly violating my inside
Wherever my internal organs lie
Trying to find every wrong in me
Ripping up every scab that's nearby
Anything she can reach is devoured
Any blame she can lay on me is set
She's trying to take control of our body
Like her pray I'm constantly caught in her net
I cannot even remember who's flesh this is
If I am the intruding parasite
Or if she fiercely invaded my being
But I know, she's like the monsters at night
And I stain my hands with red again
I don't know who I'm hurting anymore
Who I'm trying to drive out of us
I'm not even sure what I'm fighting for
She whispers in my head sometimes
Tells me every ugly aspect of my soul
Everything I don't dare to think about
Our hands before the eyes and I lose control
Sometimes I vomit in attempts to loose her
When I think the hurt will go away
If I only can seem certain for awhile
Perhaps she'll loose form and decay
Those times she laughs at me
Mocking my foolishness faking
"You cannot loose yourself,
Every time you try you'll end up breaking"

Belief

I'm stuck in the same
burning feelings
I don't think I believe

(But if you do exist,
God, would you
please save me)

I've suffered
it's aching and
I need to be saved

(Please, please, please
it hurts and God
I'm sorry I don't believe)

He won't save you
there's no almighty power
that can save you

And even if there was;
why would he save you?

(God I know
I don't deserve it
I'm filthy but it hurts)

He won't save me
either I'm not worth saving
or there's no saviour

I'm done,
it's okay,
it's always been
this way and
it doesn't matter

sleep.

could you please
let me enter your dream tonight
dream of me
give me life
through your mind

could you please

dream of me tonight
let me be a shell
of what I used to be
when I was breathing

Her Shadow

I knew a ghostlike woman
Without a real form nor any real smile
Like a shell of what she brooded on
And I don't know what made her hostile
I was hooked in between her claws
Perfect and tidy nails
She forced them into my being
Cut me without leaving any trails
I don't know why she was unhappy
I don't know why I was seen as the error
But I attained her verdict
To be inflicted with her tormenting terror

I once was under the reign of a woman
Who needed to convey her hatred
To blame someone for her misfortune
And make someone else the fault instead
I think she didn't want to see the whole picture
Since she kept herself out of the equation
And to curse an easy victim
Kept her in phase with her evasion
Though she shattered a childhood
And stained my future aswell
I'll break loose and I'll move on
But in her shadows is where she'll always dwell

Please, Love Me.

What do I have to do,
To earn my place in your mind
What do I have to become,
How would you have me designed?
To fit into your world
To let me step inside your private space
Where every grain of you remain
Behind the expression of your face
What do you want me to be,
To earn the conversations with you
To make my thoughts matter
How can I pull us through?
And I come to question sometimes
I can feel that you don't really want me there
So why do you bother to be with me
Why make me hope that we'll repair
When you don't even want to
When you know you're already done
Why bother to lie about my significance
And why do you keep pushing us on?
I want to be enough for you
Who do I need to be,
To have a place reserved in your head
To earn your thoughts about me
Hold my hand like you mean it
Let me step inside
Your voice is freezing me
I guess you just want me kept aside

It's Not You

You are not your haircut
Neither your new and expensive shoes
You are not your voice
Not even when it trembles
Neither are you your deep-blue eyes
Not even if they were green or brown
Would they be you

Remind yourself that you are not
Your body, your hands, your
blood-stained legs and scarred arms
You are not your laughter
Not your fears nor your nightmares
You are not your friends
Not even the cooler ones, are you

You are not your breaths
And they don't make you more alive
You are not your addiction to coffee
Nor the reflection you see every morning,
when you are brushing your teeth
Feeling better 'cause you know you won't smell
But not even your smell
is you

And not even your smell can make you more alive

You are not your smile, your face,
your bad jokes that everyone laugh at anyway
And when you think about it that way
You feel the fright (that isn't you)
From not being anything