This Is My Explanation

I don't ever ask nobody to come after me
I try to go away instead
Who the hell would choose to die inside every fucking day?
To barely get up from bed
I don't claim nor try to break down
I try to do the best I can
I try to stay alive
I try to not depend or ruin
I try to survive
And I know that I manage to lose friends
They want so much more
No not only know that I breathe
And then they shut their door
I lost so many
Those who meant so much!
And I learned
That I can't expect a crutch
'Cause this is way out of control
This is being sick
I fucking need some goddamn pills
And this is not a fucking trick
I promise you
That you don't want to know
All what's inside my head
I try to not show
These emotions I cannot shed
And now I finally understand
That I'm fucking depressed
I don't have the will to live
All these things of what I'm obsessed
I'm sorry,
but I don't have so much to give
I'm sorry,
I don't ask you to forgive
And I don't expect you to.

Love Will Suck the Marrow Out of Your Bones

My unspoken words are choking me
And I can't stop thinking of you
And what's killing me is
The memories I still hang on to

Love is a sickness
But is there an antidote?
Anxiety takes over me
When all my cries are stuck in my throat

You don't give a damn anymore
How can you forget the times we shared?
The feelings still overwhelm me
When I think back at when you still cared

Like a bird without wings
But you still did set me free
But in the marrow of my bones
I still just want you to hold me

A Friend

This is my broken world
You cared enough to join me
In depression, in anxiety
You acceoted the one I chose to be

And I'm sorry if I hurt you
When I'm so insecure
When all I've got left to hang on to
Is an image, frail and unsure

A thousand apologizes ain't enough
That I can't make you okay
'Cause even if I don't want to
I tend to do things the wrong way
I really don't want to
But I tend to betray

And I kind of noticed
Even though I'm fed up in my mind
You care for me like no one ever did
No, I'm not blind

Evem though I close my eyes
When the truth appears
Trying to not get hurt
Still I end up in tears

Like a porcelain doll dropped on the floor
Broken and useless
Even though that graceless apperance
You saw me through my sadness
Drove me out from madness
Don't let me lose you again

A Waterdrop

Sweet tasting ashes is running down my throat
When the flames are finally out
and only left the ruins of me
With no voice left to shout
And kick and scream and fight
No, Nothing’s left inside of me
But sorrow, but pain
There’s nothing left to see
I used to be a flower
I used to be so good
Now I’m just a shadow
I feel so damn misunderstood
For the fire’s long over
And you’ve moved on
While I’m still licking my wounds
Since you’ve gone

A word can’t make a sentence
And a rose can’t be a garden on it’s own
Just like a waterdrop can’t be an ocean
I can’t make it alone

Doomed

I can feel it hurt inside
Like a knife cutting deep
Yeh, Love surely can kill us
Push us down an edge steep

Like a bullet through the temple
I try to forget about you
Manage to erase my life
But not the memories we went though

I thought only drugs came in pills
Injections and powder
But apparently love is worse
LOVE IS WORSE!
Scream it louder

I don't say I miss you
That's not a rule for this game
I'm supposed to forget
Who do we blame?

And love will break the most vulnerable
Strangle you in your dreams
Follow you through your good times
When you wake up in screams

You're doomed

Back Again

And I might seem okay
While it's just a new shell
To not get hurt again
I seem to be doing well
I'm like I used to be
Before I started to impart
But,
is this me?

And I might seem okay
I'm tough again
To not let anyone in
To not let anyone get too close
While I'm dying inside
And to not show,
This is they way I suppose

How many pills in a row?

And I guess this is the way
We need to start isolate
Or we'll get hurt again,
Or we'll break down again
Like a trial we await
And a mask is
what we need to create

No one will notice
They will think I am okay
While I'm going back to my old habits
For I have to pay
For being alive
For every step that I take
'Cause I want to survive
I don't want to break
And I have to fake
For all of my mistakes
And to not have to
Partake
In the truth

You've Been Killing Me

Let me whisper,
with a breth damn chill.
Let me prove to you,
that we're standing still.
Please don't forget,
the things you did erase.
Please don't leave these
things we can't replace.
admit it,
that you're so damn blue.
admit it,
this is something you never knew.
And tell me,
that there's still someone inside.
The one I used to know,
the one I used to love.
The one you put aside.
The one who died.
And let me show you,
that I still care.
I'm just trying to damp this,
I turn around in my despair.
And sleep with your face in my head,
with your smile in my mind,
and my eyes burning red.
Soar and frail, erased.
I tend to fail and,
my life is just a waste.
Let's break the rules,
let's break out.
To forget about the past,
you're the drug I can't live without.
This is pretty much what it's all about.
When you set me free,
I realized that your were simply,
killing me.

Human

Lost in the dephs of time
Lost in the dephs of a mind
And the human
Always forgets

Broken in a scent of truth
Broken in their ways to be blind
And the human
Never forgives

Calling out in desperation
Calling out for help
But the human
Has always been merciless
And full of cowardly

Seeking to find the perfect truth
To calm my storming mind
But all we can find
Is this greed
Growing like a seed
Inside of us

Trains

Do you remember the trains
They're running me over and over again
Blew out my brains
Driving me insane

You showed me the ruins
The left-overs you rejected
The joy you spoiled
The pieces you've collected

And the memories we created
That you forgot so well
Waiting for the end that was fated
Waiting for hell,
where I still dwell

And to hear the satisfaction in your voice
When I broke down
When you made your choise
When you chose to let me drown

Do you remember the trains
Won't leave me alive
Running me over once more
Won't let me survive

Rip Off Her Wings

You'd rather rip off her wings than watch her fly,
You'd rather isolate than deal with her when she cries.
You'd rahter let her break, burn up from inside,
You'd let her abide.

Just Can't Let It Go

Where did we go wrong?
When did we lose touch?
We used to belong
Now I'm not your crutch

How did we change?
When we used to love
Now me you estrange
You used to take me above

Out of this self-destructivity
Out of this fear
Got me in a productivity
Where I could be sincere

And what made me lose you?
What made us fall?
A new rutine to get into
With a newbuilt wall

I don't want to forget
How can you so easily?
Don't want to regret
I close my eyes heavily

And memories play before my eyes
Of how you used to smile
You could take me up to the skies
Even if you just held me for awhile

Black eyelids open up to this scene
And find reality
They hid a pair of eyes so damn green
With a lack of vitality

And it's my fault
But I blame it on you
Like a mental assault
The things you used to do

And how could I be stupied enough
To think that we'd make it
All we kept underneath, so rough
Now I submit

So damn easy to live in the past
The only thing we'd show
I guess that time has passed?
So damn hard to let go

Pills

Eight pills in my pocket
Discreet I count them in my hand
Sliding between my fingers
They run light as sand

How many in a row
Would get me rid of my anxiety
How many in a row
Would get me past this sobriety

And I'm choking
The cries are stuck in my throat
You've got no fucking idea what it feels like
To write your suicidenote

About to give up
About to give in
About to let go
What's crawling within

So damn insecure
And no one cares
You used to be there
I'm running out of prayers

So damn unsure
So damn frail
And no matter what I try to do
I always fail

So damn close to fall
And there's not many more hits I can take
Even if you didn't realize
There's so many times when you made me break

How many in a row
Lays ahead
How many pills in a row
Would make me dead?

Darkness Took Over Me

Darkness took over me
I didn't realize it when
I started breaking
I didn't realize it back then

Depression took over me
Made me fall apart
Couldn't stop it
I guess everything has a start

It got too far
I got worse
Was thrown into a life
I never got to rehearse

And it hurts in me to know
That it didn't have to be this way
I could've been happy
I could've been okay

I'm crying
For the life I didn't get to keep
The life I lost
Merories I've hidden deep

But could it really had gone another way?
Could I've had a real smile?
I think I've always been on this path
Moving closer to a trial

And my lips are shaking
I feel so damn small
In a huge world
No one noticed my sadness at all

I guess I've always been hiding
Something I thought was a part of life
That I carried everywhere
What made me play with the knife

Am I just tired?
Is that why I'm crying
Don't think so
I'm done with trying

To keep this surface up
To keep it inside
It would hurt others
If they knew why I hide

And goddammit I hate myself
For being so weak
So damn fragile
Happiness is what I seek

'Cause I started realizing
That everyone's not this way
With these thoughts all the time
Feeling a mental pain everyday

Underneath a shallow happiness
There's always a reason to cry
Always a will to break down
That I'm trying to deny

And I held it up for many years
Now I'm so damn tired
Haven't I been strong?
Isn't this something that should be admired?

I just can't care for others right now
I know you need me
And I'm sorry
That I'm busy trying to not flee

'Cause you must understand
That everyday is hell
With some stars of light
In a black sky, where I dwell

Sorry I can't help you as I'd like to
That I'm not the one I was any longer
And sorry
I'm not stronger

Mourn For Me

Pretty diffuse
Like a thick, black smoke
Obscuring my sight
Couldn't hear the words you spoke

Your lips are moving
But I'm not in your reality
Hiding in my head
Hiding from the brutality

And I'm impressed that you try to reach me
When I'm so far away
Trying to take my hand
Even when I'm lead astray

And yeh, I'm sitting next to you
While I'm a thousand miles aside
Just can't stand another day from hell
I'm sorry, I tried

I try to live everyday
To not be distant
You're better off without me
I shouldn't be existent

Shouldn't be alive
Shouldn't have been born
And if I'd go away
Would a single living soul mourn?

To Hide Forever

Just leave me here
Damn frozen and alone
Just leave me be
Let be become unknown

'Cause no one really cares
If I'm dead or alive
I walk alone
This time I won't survive

Soar and fragile
I hang on
On a frail image
In the root of dawn

And when the night is over
I'll crawl back in the sky
Small, in a black environment
Where I'll go high

Where no one can reach me
I'll be unaware
Of the life you'll continue with
That's pretty fair?

Will you let me
Go away
Will you let me
Hide everyday

Anxiety

And here it goes again
I start to shiver
I'm losing it
And my breaths quiver

And it's highly painful
I'm damn broken inside
I guess you've heard it a million times
That's why I put myself aside

And it's hard to describe
When your mind breaks down
When you're all damn alone
While other's around

When no one cares
No one gives a damn
When no one understands
That's when you're condemn

Disappointment

Left alone again
But this time, I won't be okay
Left out in the cold again
This time it won't go away

Can't you see how fragile I am
This time I won't come out alive
I've got too bad memories
This time I won't survive

Forgotten
Lost in the cold
Full of anxiety
And things I've never told

I broke our promise
I'm sorry, it meant much for true
I didn't want to disappoint you
But that seems to be the only thing I can do

For Mother

A home we didn't have for years
Barely a relation with our dad
Too much time alone
I guess we had our reasons to be sad

The warmth we never shared
In a way it's not supposed to be
A truly messed up family
So many times you saved me

You've always been my escape
Someone we can count on
Who'll always be there
Even when we're gone

I just want to make it clear
That we love you, it's true
We'll still need you here
What would we do without you?

<3

The Past

And you know just where to push
Like a marionette I follow your orders
You know just the right ways to hurt me
Taking advantage of my disorders

You know just the right buttons
Where I would break down
You've got me in your clutch
And with a word you'd make me drown

In my own blood
'Cause of the wounds we left open wide
The things we never mentioned
I've already died

And a heart full of sorrow and regret
Is what we left behind
Things we didn't clear up
Can't we just rewind?

Get me back to where it went wrong
And let me try again
Let's undo the hurt, unwind the misunderstandings
Give me a chanse to explain

Blame It On Me

All the shame
Is mine to bare
Everytime you fall
I should've been there

And when they hurt me
It's always the same
My own fault
On me they blame

And when I'm kicked
While I'm still on the ground
Blame it on me
I shouldn't have made a sound

And when I'm hurt
It's my own fault
Really, I don't deserve being okay
Fill my wounds with salt

Don't look down at me
Saying it ain't real
'Cause I always end up blaming myself
It's true how I feel

Blame it on me
Blame it on me
I'm okay
Just blame it on me

If You Knew

I'd like to tell you
What made my smile untrue
What made me hide
If you knew

And what has been tearing me
What drew me into
Been pushing me towards the edge
If you knew

Would you beleive me
If I told you what I went through
What I stood out with
If only you knew

And if I'd admit
That there was someone who
Made me this way
If you knew

And would you listen
If I'd review
My memories
If only you knew

I don't want to carry it on my own
What's making me blue
I want someone beside me
Who's willing to stay true
If only someone knew

Steel

If I'd show my emotions
Everytime I want to die
I wouldn't have no friends
And the ones around would suffer 'cause I cry

It's not fair to be depressed everyday
Then it's not only a burdon of my own
Everyone wouldn't stand it
And then I'd end up alone

And also
I don't want to show myself weak
And vulnerable
I'm already getting so much critique

And they'd find out how to hurt me
In the most effective ways
And since it's already tough
I don't want worse days

It's strained enough to wake up
Knowing there's another day full of depression
And anxiety and fear
Facing everyone's question

If I'm alright
And what is wrong?
Hard to explain
Why I don't get along

I don't really know the answer myself
But I know that it's real
I know that I'm broken
If I only had a layer of steel

Then no one could hurt me
No one could reach too deep
And a body of steel
Wouldn't cry itself to sleep

Carve And Cut

And it hurts inside of me
Don't know what
Can still feel it strong
Made me cut

And made me scratch and made me carve
Into the white skin of mine
And for the first time of my life
I felt the divine

It was filling me
For barely a minute
But those seconds was worth is
And the addiction still pursuit

But what is a world full of emptiness
Except for when I bleed
And even though I'm betraying
It's an aching need

This was what I deserved
Since I've done so much wrong
Don't deserve to be okay
I don't deserve to belong

And least of all
I deserve you
You're so damn good
Too good to be true

Going Down

My eyes are burning

Don't want to see no more lies
They made me like this

Please blacken my eyes

And I can see myself go down
Slowly falling apart

Can do nothing to stop it

Becoming another piece of art

And I just want to give up

But just when I'm about to withdraw

I find guilt inside

And you give me a new reason to go on

Maybe it's a burdon

That I'm addicted of you

You can make me high

Damp the thoughts that puruse

My eyes are on fire
Don't want to see your games
Am I the only one noticing
Can't you see the flames?

This is the prize,
Please blacken my eyes

Whispers

I'm full of sadness
Don't know why
But I've given up
Can I still catch your eye?

Something's eating me up from inside
And something is aching
I try to hide it
But I can feel myself breaking

And when I try to damp
The thoughts in my head
The feelings that bring me
Tears full of dread

I tried to hurt myself
To take the pain away
I got obsessive
But still was just lead astray

And now I'm broken
I can feel it damn strong
Still trying to find this
Goddamn place where it went wrong

What did I do
To deserve all this
Why am I wrong
What did I miss

My Obsession

I'm falling back again
Down in this depression
I'm losing track again
Finding back to my obsession

I'm playing rough again
And I'll get hurt
I'm feeling down again
It's about to revert

I'm falling back again
Down in this depression
I'm losing track again
And I've got to make a confession
Something for you to question
'Cause while it's killing me
It's still my possession

Silent Screams

And this feeling is stabbing me
I can feel it cut damn deep
These thoughts are making me see
That I'm balancing on an edge fucking steep

And these thoughts are bringing me panic
Slowly tearing me apart
I feel pretty manic
With sorrow deep in my heart

And I cry without no reason
I don't know why I'm sad
And life's moving on, season by season
It's driving me mad

That I just can't be okay
Just like the rest
For them it's a day
For me it's a test

Everyday is just another step closer to the edge
The will to say goodbye
Like am standing on a ledge
While I try to deny

You can say that I'm imagining
And even if it isn't real
It's real to me, and it sting
Yeh, even if it's not real, it's still how I feel

Just Before I Panic

I don't want to be this fragile
I want to be able to stand up alone
Don't want to be depending
I'd like to make it on my own

And I didn't ask for nights of horror
Coming from inside
I didn't ask for pain
And wounds open wide

I didn't want to be soar
I never wished to get hurt
Why did I deserve panic
To be down in the dirt

And I want to smile for real
Without being high
I want a chanse
And a reason to try

To go on
'til the day that I die
Get away from this darkness
In where I lie

And all the times I shiver
'Cause lack of security
When I don't want to stay
In my fucking reality

And if life's this way
I don't want to live
If I'd ever leave this place
Would you forgive?

Heaven is Burning

'Cause heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Paradise's on fire
Can I survive

So damn lonely
With people around
So damn broken
Time to come back to the ground
And realize
That I can't keep on sliding
From pills to fumes
Can't keep on hiding

'Cause Heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Could you save me
Make me survive
Heaven's on fire
It's always the same
Balancing on a line
To be lost in the flame

And I'm falling
From up high
Moving closer to reality
I don't want to die
And yes I've been crying
For goddamn too long
I'm losing, right?
It feels so damn wrong

I don't want to lose this
But I can see it go down
My heaven's on fire
I can see myself drown

Heaven's on fire
I'm burning alive
Would you save me
Make me survive

Words

And would you whisper in my ear
With a depth that could make me cry
Will you stand here
Even when I'm this close to die

You told me you'd stand by forever
No matter what
But can even the strongest ever
Hold on to a person who's shut?

I'd like to hold you till you shine
So no darkness could hurt you
I really want to make you fine
But I'm too weak to

Memories

I've got this image as myself
I'm so young
And I'm smiling
Not even ten and I've already swung

The times I wondered
What the hell was wrong with me
Why did I deserve this
Hated 'cause of the reflection I see

And all the times I wanted to cry
But no tears came
I never knew they'd come one day
Now they me proclaim

They're unstoppable
Ruining my act
Now I can't hide no more
Now the crowd react

I've got this image of myself
I'm so damn small
I'm smiling, I'm laughing
While I feel no joy at all

Sliding

A knife in my chest
Sliding in, deeper and deeper
Of pain I'm possessed
The secrets of a reaper

I'm so damn easy affected
By anywhere I can dwell
Not at all protected
I'll end up in hell

And just to feel hated
Has been tearing me
What your acts created
What they made me see

And I can't take more alone
Can't stand to be awake
Why can't I make it on my own?
Why is everything I do a mistake?

Why do I always ruin my joy
Crashing my fulfilled dreams
Maybe I can only destroy
That's at least how it seems

I've been sliding
From luck to goodbyes
I've been hiding
To prevent others' despise

But it's been a solution
That wouldn't last
It'll become my execution
Brought by the past

Somebody Else

And I'm sorry I'm not stronger
I want to be the one to wipe away your tears
And the control is no longer
Now it's black and white,
the truth appears

And I'm sorry for the cries
I'm not supposed to let them out
When in my head there's a reprise
For what I've felt,
I'm waiting for the drought

And I'm sorry that I ruin
Your good times
Hiding when you've got no clue in
What's in my head,
the role of my crimes

But most of all
I am so damn sorry
That I always fall
And can't be somebody else
I'd like to stand tall
But I end up crawl
I'm sorry
I can't be
Somebody
Else

Just Another Odd Lovepoem

And those times I wanted to cry
But no tears showed
The times I tried to deny
Has now made me expload

I'm just crying too much
My eyes are soar
And without you as my crutch
Wouldn't I be one of the corps?

So today I didn't want time to go on
I wanted those moments with you forever
But they're lost in this dawn
And it makes sedation the thing I endeavour

I miss you already
With you I stay in control
My legs feel steady
And you make me feel whole

Though all the things I feel
For you, I'd never admit
Too good to be true, you must be unreal
All the joy you emit

Hide It Deep Under Your Skin

Just walk, breathe
Pretend you're alive
And when you're alone
The tears may arrive
Just talk, smile
Like if you were alive
And while you're breaking
Pretend like you'll survive

Just walk, talk and smile
Just pretend that you're okay
And when you hide it underneath
Delight is what you convey

What Do I Bring?

And how could I describe this feeling
When I take a step back
Sitting alone, staring up in the ceiling
When I'm losing track

Don't want to stand in the way
I don't want to be the one to destroy
I'd rather go away
So you can still enjoy

And when I realize
That you make it better without me
I come to idealize
I don't want to see

If I wouldn't have been here
With my damn self-destructivity
The one who ruines the cheer
With my obstructivity

And fooling myself everyday
That I'm adding something
The thoughts me astray
And like a smoke, depression is all I bring

And I wanna scratch away my skin
Then I'd be done hiding
You'll see how it's always been
That I've always been sliding

Let Me Hurt

And I didn't want to hide today
Losses of breaths becomes gigantic
I don't want to be this way
And I don't want to panic

My condition is unknown
I have to wait for the voices to go away
Until then I'm locked up alone
I'm really not okay

Only a few have seen me
When I'm this way
When I just can't be
Normal, like the rest may

A thousand miles away
But still I'm sitting next to you
Your looks are like from a beast of prey
And they always pursue

Though I couldn't make it without
Someone caring
Sorry I'm so weak and so damn full of doubt
Feels like everyone's staring

Whispers full of anxiety and fright
I've got the convictions
Though I'm not alright
I just can't get rid of these addictions

And they are hurting me
Taking over my mind
And hell I don't know why
The truth is refined

Down in the dirt
Gets me high
And let me hurt
I just don't want to die

It's a devotion
It makes me feel alive
To get rid of this emotion
Helps me to survive

Suicide

Turning darker and darker
Growing bigger and bigger
This huge hole
Begging me to pull the trigger

Voices inside of me
Screaming in my head
No matter how hard I try to drown the sounds
I can still hear them wishing I was dead

And a razor to my neck
Closed eyelids
Now is the time to remember
Remember what they did

I'm shattered
A fucking thousand pieces
For you it never mattered
And my tears increases

Touch my face
Can't you feel the flames?
Brought to erase me
When the devil claims

And they are everywhere
This is their assault
And it's scaring me
But I guess it's my own fault

Madness

So here I am
Damn speechless
And the only thing I feel
Is a strong scent of emptiness
This feels so unreal
Hope it's a dream
And that I'll soon wake up
With a new self-esteem

And this is tearing me
My whole world is changing
Replaced rolls
And the fucking manuscript re-arranging
The world is teasing me
Kicking me while I'm still on the ground
Giving me no chanse to recover
A torture damn profound

And I've been here before
I remember it like hell
So many tears
The impulse to say farewell
Insecurity and unspoken words
The loneliness
No one to turn to
Drowning in this sadness

Only bringing me madness

I Can't Make the Past Undone

If I could change the past
If I could make it go away
I'd make these things undone
And reverse the times I did betray

The times I made a hole
Inside of me
The times I lost control
When reality disagree

I brought a shadow over myself
And the ones in the crowd
The ones who care
I can never make them proud

'Cause all the times I tried
To not hurt anyone
I did exactly what I didn't mean to
I can't make this undone

And I'm damn sorry
I really want to make you glad
I want to tell you I can do it
Smile with control I've never had

*~*~*

This is a way to tell the ones I hurt
That I'm sorry
I'm so damn sorry
I never wanted to do it on purpose
I'm damn weak
Can't take critique
And when I hurt myself
I know I hurt you
I just can't take this

And I'm sorry I'm not stronger

Crush My Head

My head's aching
The thoughts are bombing my mind
And when I smash my skull against the wall
Serenity is what I want to find

I don't want to think
I know just what'll happen if I do
I'd come to realize
What I'm not letting into

And I can't keep the voices down
They are screaming in my head
I just want to silence them
They'd want to see me dead

I'm sorry I'm doing it
Over and over again
I just can't stand it
I just can't strain

You're Perfect To Me

I've got an addiction
Someone who can make me smile
But still this contradiction
Someone who can make me hostile

And I'm sorry as hell
But I'm so damn obsessed with your eyes
They could tame a rebel
Would see through any disguise

And I wanna give you the stars in a jar
So you could glance at their beauty every night
I'd like to change what things are
And just like you're mine, I wanna be your knight

I'd like to make the past go away
I want to promise you my smile won't be fake
But even if you still light up my day
You can so damn easily make me break

You're the one who can reach to me
Deep inside
And when you disagree
It tears me open wide

You've got that look in your eyes
When I disappoint you
Will you never get tired of my lies?
My ways I use to get through

You're so goddamn perfect
Beautiful in every single way
And your beauty infect
Colouring the world so grey

Let Me Make You Whole

And when you see how vulnerable I am
Will you let me hide under your skin
Get so damn close to you
Hide deep within

Will you take me to your deepest chamber
And put the key in my hand
Will you ever trust me
Or will you get me banned

And dwell upon your own thoughts
Bearing your burdon alone
Will you stay this strong
Will your secrets stay unknown

Will you take me in your arms
And share me your soul
Show me that you care
Let me make you whole

You won't miss me

And when the memories come back
Of how you betrayed
Can't you see I'm losing track
Have you got any idea how many times you made me use the blade

And now it's my time to go
I don't want it to repeat
Just admit you never loved me, you know
This was all incomplete

And I don't want to be the stupied one again
Don't cry for me
This was the only way to get it out from my brain
I'm sorry that I had to flee

You won't miss me
I wasn't meant to be anyway
I'm sorry for the way I chose to be
I'm sorry I couldn't stay another day



"dont think of this poem
it's just the thoughts i had to get out
it's the feelings tearing me
the things that made me want to shout"

Help Me

The blood in my lips are pounding,
Like they're telling me to cut
They are damn resounding,
A sound I just can't shut

And how can someone save me,
If they can't see I'm dying?
Would they just flee,
And leave me without trying?

Please just see me someone,
And switch my pills
Make this killing undone,
Give me something that doesn't kills

Can't you see for help I scream,
That I try to get through
I know that okay I seem,
But if you just knew

They say that I am strong,
I can beat these fights
They are so damn wrong,
But never saw me one of these nights

And I'm telling you
I can't do it alone
For fucks sake, I can't get through
I'm sinking like a stone

Scratch

Scratch, scratch
Somethings crawling inside
Underneath my skin
I'll scratch it open wide

Scratch, scratch
I can't get it out
What's floating in my blood
I just want to shout

Srike, strike
My fists hit my thighs
In frustration I strike
Can't live with my lies

Scratch, scratch
I'm scratching my arm
A layer of skin
I can't live without self-harm

And I sound like a pshyco
When I'm crying out loud
In frustration I'm scratching, I'm hitting
I'm hiding from the crowd

'Cause no one can see me
When I'm this way
They only see the consequences
The price that I pay

this is just fuck

Will you stay with me
Or did I scare you away
Will you stand by and see
Will you get me through the day

Would you take my sored hands and say
"Don't hurt yourself no more
'Cause when you're not okay
I am also torn"

Waiting

I'll be waiting for this loneliness to go away
I'll be watiting for these wounds to heal
I'll be watiting for my hesitation to decay
And one day, a happiness for real

I'll be waiting for the storm to calm down
I'll be watiting for someone to rescue me
I'll be waiting for the world to crown
And one day, I will be free

I'll be waiting for the autum leaves
I'll be waiting for a time without pain
I'll be waiting for being able to roll up my sleeves
And for the stars to reign

And when the scars will fade
As the memories, they will fade away
I'll forget the blood I paid
For happiness,
It's the only way

Who

I'm all alone
Who could I tell?
I'm all frozen
Where can I dwell?

I'm all sore
Who would care?
It's killing me
Who would help me bear?

I can't take this
Who would understand?
I failed you
Who would ever take my hand?

Cold

Cold.
I'll shut you out
Cold.
My breath
Cold.
Don't want to feel no more
Cold.
My hands
Cold.
Like you made me
Cold.
Hate
Cold.
And it won't be
in hell

Nålar

dina ord är Nålar

Och jag är en jävla Nåldyna

You

I'm amazed by your beauty
Didn't think anyone could be like that
So damn concerning, so damn beautiful
Nothing you can combat

'Cause you'll always be everything anyone could ever want
You'll always deserve the best
You deserve the world
Can't be anything else than impressed

And when I hold you in my arms
I can't realize that you chose me
I love you so damn much
But one day you'll see

You'll get tired of the tears
You'll get tired of the cries
You'll find someone who ain't like this
You'll get tired of my lies

And I want to give you what you deserve
I want to be true
And I want you to feel good
I want to shine for you

I'm Sorry

The snow is falling
On my head
At home they're laughing
I'll take this way instead

They won't even notice
That I'm lost in the cold
That I couldn't take more
Of the things I never told

A little sharp blade
That used to get me through these days
This time it helped me when I betrayed
It's my time to amaze

I'm really sorry
If I put you in tears
I'm okay now
No more unanswered prayers

I won't cry no more
I know it's a burdon when I do
I don't want you to ignore
Still I never said what I went trough

You couldn't have saved me
Even if you tried
Someday I'd chose to flee
'Cause for so long I denied

The snow is falling
On my head
The ones I love have no clue
That I'm already dead

Gone Away

And it hurts in me that I can't be
The one you deserve
Happy, beautiful and funny
Someone who didn't only observe

I'm shy and insecure
And I hate the way I am
Holding you down
'Cause I am condemn

Maybe I shouldn't be here
Shouldn't walk on earth
This place belongs to the cheers
All the things I'm not worth

But how would I end it
In a prideful way
Convince that here, I don't fit
No one would notice I've gone away

Alone

And I crawl inside my mind
My eyes are wide open but I'm blind
Thoughts make tears drain
It's driving me insane
And I can't be the one
This has already begun
Laughing, smiling
No, I can't be the one, smiling thing
I want to
Be alive
Don't want to be the one who
Almost can't survive
And in a minute
I'll be sitting in a bathroombooth
While reality's pursuit
My tears will be revealing the truth
I feel so alone

Can't take another day
I don't want to stay
Can't take more lies
Don't want to disguise
I don't have the power to breathe once more
Can't pretend I'm not sore
Don't want to hide
Can't stand to hold up my pride
Don't want more nights
When before my eyes there's flashing lights
'Cause I can't strain
Against the will to slit up a vein
Don't want to be alone
Don't want to be unknown
I don't want to be alone

There's people around me
But they are too blind to see
There are people who care
But I can't share what I bare
Chose to die on my own
But still I don't want to be alone

I don't want to be alone

Burning Inside

Why am I killing myself when I don't want to die
Why am I rejecting the friends I need the most
I am crying but claiming my eyes stay dry
And instead of showing, I'm turning morose

Why don't I deserve to be alright
Why am I always inbetween
These shadows around me ain't turning bright
I'm just only fourteen

And oh god I can't make this on my own
But still I don't want them to know
Thoughts about my head being blown
And the devils will come take me below

I am killing the body I live in
To set my spirit free
Scratching away my skin
So I'll be able to flee

But really I don't want this to end
I don't want to die
But I can no longer pretend
I can no longer deny

I can't say I'm okay
When my head is crushing 'cause my thoughts collide
I guess you can simply say
That I'm burning inside

I S O L A T I O N

I'm losing myself in my own lies
Burning inside 'cause I don't even try
Drowning in the distance to the skies
Hating myself for complaining when I can't say why

And you will learn to hate me
And I want to damp the fall
One day you'll set my blood free
Time to start isolate so I won't have to crawl

Killing me from living a lie
Burning up from inside
Falling from far up high
When my feelings will collide

All Those Years, Those Memories

And here we are again
I just really wanna cry
Time to start a new life with another stain
Now it's time to say goodbye

It feels so damn strange
I'm not sure I can't take it
Going through this change
Another home will split

And I can't stand on my own legs
But now I've gotta support
I'm the one who silent beg
Another of life's resorts

It's harder then it seems
More involved emotions
You won't hear my screams
They'll drown with me in the oceans

And people we knew
We lived with for so long
We'll leave behind forever
Something just went wrong

And now I'm breaking again
My life is falling apart
Time to build a new refrain
This will be a new start

and promise me you'll tell me
what it looks like in heaven

Addictions

We won't settle down
Until ribs and hips will be clear
It's just such a dream
That will be the killpremier
And those nights
Two fingers in your throat
All the fights
We'll write ourself a suicide note
And later on
Some painkillers eased your anxiety
But another addiciton
It's not a varity
You started your own death with purpose
'Cause it still made you live
Easier to go through those days
When you had something to give
To be selfish
Just to make it through another panic attack
I'm sorry I'm doing this to you
I didn't mean to do this behind your back
But I can't stop this
I just don't want to feel
You can make me smile
But still the pain is real

You can't always be here
And life me up high
That's why I can't stop this
I'm sorry, but sometimes it's just too hard to try

I know you're not always okay
You never trusted me enough
To tell me what was wrong
That life can be tough

I don't want to see you fall
I wanna be there
And I'm trying to give you my all
I still care

Split Me Up And Sew Me Back Right

I wanna cut myself wide open
And sew myself back the way I should be
I'm all damn wrong, can't you see?
All this inside, it's killing me
And it feels like I'm bursting
No one is here to hold my hand
To sew back the pieces
I look beside me where no one stand
Like my heart can't take more
Revealing secrets
I can't explain
I won't complain
I'll just lie on the floor
And think through what I've done
Just you ignore
And I'll be slowly dying
Breathing in the fumes
My mind will be flying
I'll be crying
There's no more trying

Real Brutality

You can't deny me my thoughts
Neither my feelings
You were the one who taught
Me this way of dealing

And complaining about the brutality
That originally came from you
This is now my reality
This is what you draw me into

And those nights you made me think
What was wrong with me
My own pain you made me drink
And live it through when I wanted to flee

I will never blame
Just try to forget
And greive ain't the same
I'll pay my debt

A price of running blood
And wide open skin
Trying to get out
What's crawling within

A darkness inside
That caused this for you
Can't get it out, I promise I've tried
Can't live with myself without cutting through

You're not supposed to read this

Your silence is screaming in my ear
'Cause even if you're not saying a word
Maybe you need me to hear
And it's driving me insane that it's so absurd

I can't stand to feel hated
Though you never said I were
I don't know why I feel so lowly rated
I can't understand why anyone would prefer
To stand by me
And hear my cries
Instead of flying free
And hear no lies
Or love someone who ain't this depressed
And will drag you down
That can give you more when they give you their best
That would never let you drown

And you'd probably make it without me
But I don't think I can stand without you
I'm holding you back, when you could be free
But no one can love you like I do

Live now

And what was before can never be again
We stay behind our isolation
Since we don't want to remember, feel no pain
We try to avoide any close relation
And the right words can be enough
To break the wall we stand behind
And we play our games rough
The raw truth is what we keep in our mind

Memories can break you down
And all those feelings inside
And tears you have to allow
You just have to remember what's around
Those who care and will always stand beside
You have to live now

The One I Love

And your pain can hurt me
'Cause I don't want you to feel small
I wanna be there and catch you
I don't want you to feel pain at all

And if I could take your pain instead
Dry your tears
I don't ever want you to feel lonely
I'd live with pain for a thousand years

I always want to be there
So you know that someone cares if you're depressed
I might not be good at this
But I'm giving you my best

And oh god I love you
More than I can ever show
I'm just so damn scared
You'd realize what I am, you know

And you would see that I am nothing to love
That I'm no one to care for
And you'd wonder why you wasted your time
And then I'll be alone all damn sore

But till the day you'll see who I am
The freak, the clown
I'll try to be there the best I can
And I will try to not let you down

I can't stay here forever

This must be the things tearing my apart the most
All these emotions
I'm turning morose
It's just one of my motions

To tell you that I can't take this way to live
This ain't the way I'll make it
It's so damn confusing, so hard to forgive
And while feeling like this I first started slit

I can't be like this
It's breaking me
It's far away from my bliss
And I just want to flee

and you

i'm shaking
i'm crying
i'm breaking
i'm dying

the tears are itching
the black tears
drying on my cheek
this is my fears

and you won't hesitate
to take me down
you won't be indulgent
you'll let me drown

and you didn't want me to go
you won't let me, right?
i don't think you know
then you'd feel contrite

yeh

When someone is watching you can make it
But alone, the world seems so much bigger
And those promises meant nothing to you
That made me push the trigger
And our lifes is passing by
While we're standing still
One day I'll stand alone here
You'll leave me, one day you will
And my sorrow will burst out
In the most creative ways
I'll be screaming loud
Just by remembering those days

Now you can be there
And hold me tight
But when I'll break
You won't be here and help me fight

just some inner thoughts

It's all in my head
I panic of fear
I balance on a thread
Everyday the breakdown is near

But I tend to keep it
This mask, this act
And it's my fault I admit
Inside I'm cracked

Outside, I'm smiling
Inside, I'm dying
I'm a lost broken thing
I'm a pro in lying

How can you say
That everything's wrong
In this world it ain't okay
I've kept my smile up for long

And sitting in my room
Black tears running from my closed eyes
Im locked up in my tomb
I live my life up in my skies

Would you understand
Could you listen at my cry
Would you lead me through this land
Do you even care enough to try

Breaking me

I tried to hurt myself,
I tried to take this pain away.
But only ended up with a addiction,
because of the things I play.

A sharp little blade,
a well-known sting.
A chanse for me to pay,
my own song to sing.
A bottle with the poisen fumes,
a breath.
Lying on the floor while flying,
and this could be my death.
Two fingers in my throat,
to make me perfect.
Choking me,
with a different object.
And the worst self-destructive thing.
A person I cared for.
That could make me break so easily.
While they would just ignore.

Dying Under The Surface

Behind that thick, black eyeliner
She's hiding
Behind these walls
She's not abiding

Under this certain surface
She's trying
Beneath these empty promises
She's dying

And you're the one
Who's killing her
What was back then can not be undone
And it would change who we were

All this inside
She's trying to deny
Trying to hide but end up open wide
And she's falling from up high

Down this deep well
Of emotions, she's lying
Down of the memories of your actions she dwell upon
And trying to be the one denying

And I'm left here
In my prison
I slowly disappear
The devil has risen

Take me away from here

I've been here for less then an hour
But I still just want to die
This is hell for me
All these years I tried to deny

And all I want to is to get back
Where I belong
And this ain't the place
I don't get along

I've got tears in my eyes
Just want to walk out of that door
But this is now my prison
Can't take this no more

I couldn't hurt you
So I wear my smiles fake
I really love you but
I can feel how I'm about to break

Love's darker side

It's heavy

Heavier than stone

Knowing that you're suffering

Something you never shown

And inside we're breaking

We're trying to seem okay

You're killing me and I'm hurting you

And that just makes us betray

And we cannot do this

If you want us to be

Together and stop suffer

'Cause we'll end up flee

I blame you for not understanding

Why I do these things

But when did I try to see from your point of view

Just want to see you fly with your wings

Your smile makes my day

It makes me miserable knowing you're not okay

But knowing you're lying to me 'cause you think I cannot see

That's fucking letting my blood go free

To One Of My Friends

And i'm greiving you
For your loss of your soul
All in your head you're going through
And you try to stay in control

You can't see it in the way you move
Or by listening to your voice
Just by recognize and feel what you've
Gone through, is the way you can see your false rejoice

You've written so many things for me
And now it's my turn
To show you what I think and how I see
I can see your mind and your concern

And looking from another perspective
Whom does it blames
You've got to look at it reflective
To see your soul in flames

A friend who always was there for me
But I pushed her away
And that's equal to that we'll never be
'Cause our relation's decay

I was too scared
To let someone in
And I lost the only one who cared
Because my shell was too thin

And I don't know who'll look after her
Like she looked after me
Since we lost the way we were
I wish we could go back to the way we used to be

And You Steal My Blood

And you make me cry
I hate myself for being this weak and soar
I try to stay up in my mind, be high
So I won't have to think about you two anymore

And none of you said anything
I'm just so unsure
You're clipping my wing
But I try to stay hidden in the obscure

And I close my burning eyes
So I won't have to see
This happened once before, just a reprise
And it's breaking me

But everytime he stand in front of me
I can't stop smiling
I'm so damn in love, is she?
Knowing that she likes him sting

And I have no fucking right to be jealous, right?
That's just so fucking lame
Should I be able to trust despite,
what happened before, is this the same?

And even if I'm wrong
I can't get rid of the feeling
Try to pretend it doesn't matter, try to get along
And my blood it is stealing

you're not supposed to read this

You're killing me
And I don't have the energy to fight
Close my eyes so I won't have to see
And I'm crying in the night

I'm not good in hiding
Or you must be blind
Doing what I can, I'm abiding
Wish I could erase my mind

And now I'm lying in my room
With your words echoing inside my head
My body you consume
And now I'm dying my body red

'Cause you can't see my reaction
And I can't make you
But if you could, would that be your satisfaction?
If you saw what I went through?

Inside we're Breaking

We're all so damn full of pride
Can't show yourself weak
Stone on the outside
Don't care about critique

Crying inside
Laughing when you're in sight
You're rarely open wide
You're not alright

And you never take a minute
Just to feel
Deep down in your root
You'd feel that this pain is real

To Hide

And I hide inside my mind
I'm safer, it's not as hard to get hurt
Cruel is what you say about mankind
And it won't convert

Better off alone
Where no one can reach me
No one saw me when I shone
Now I'm nothing to see

I'm an odd flower
Withered and dead
Without any power
With my body coloured red

Red is the colour of love
Then blood must be the broken hearts scent
And thereof
That's what I represent

And your words can cut my wrists
You can cut me through
Your looks are like a thousand fists
But I still love you

And when you give away your heart
When you let someone in
You give them the ability to tear you apart
Trust them not to, but you will never win

So just hide behind those walls
That I built up for years
They will watch it when it falls
And then the vulnerable me appears

And I give you a paper full of drawed hearts
Took me an hour to draw
But only a second for you to throw it in the trashes

dying

And I'm sitting there
With mascara tears down to my chin
No one see me in my dispair
It's like I'm invisible, about to lose it

Maybe no one wants to see
Not even my best friends said anything
And the tears are taking over me
The blade sting

And I flee to the bathroom
My hands are shaking, my hands are pounding
And I smell my blood perfume
As I carve in my arm my blood's abounding

My head is turning dizzy
For of the strong scent
My head's busy
But now it's heavy as cement

A bottle with an orange warning text
"Don't breathe in the fumes"
And what is about to happen next
I'll be lying on the floor in one of the bathrooms

Addiction has made us die
Brought strong people into death
I never understood why
Someone would kill their breath

Now I know
How you can hurt yourself
We can't live through this show
And I just can't live with myself

So I will die of vomiting
Or maybe cutting or the poisons
I'm splitting my skin with my sharp little thing
And destroying my body with tons

alone

and I knew it all along
they never tried to hide it
according to them im damn wrong
and the crowd permit

but this is just when
I start slitting
my mind spin
in this world Im not fitting

and the little red marks
they itch all the time
and they tell the world what I think of all the remarks
dont want to know what I'm

just leave me alone
I would say
but the truth is that I cant take it on my own
I know that I wouldnt stay

Misunderstood

Misunderstood
Misled
All the things I should
I'm living dead

Mistaken
For a rose
A playground foresaken
I took the heavy doze

Misunderstood
Misled
Die, I wish I could
You coloured me red

screw this

It hurts me so much
And I'm too tired to see
I close my eyes
And I hope you'll set me free

Instead of have me hanging
When you don't really care
I begged you to end it instead of hurting me
But I guess you didn't dare

But now be honest
Let's come clean
You never loved me
I'm obscene

I know you never loved me
What is there in me to love?
I only find myself annoying
And someone you'll get sick of

I'm not the one I seem to be
I'm whiny and depressive
I'm just a mistake
I'd turn you aggressive

I don't know what my purpose is
Could it be to spread sorrow and doubt?
No one will ever love me for the one I am
I just want to shout

a self-destructive path

I became self-destructive
Losing myself in the sin
And the only way I'm productive
Is when I split up my skin

And the reasons are killing me
I panic inside
The first time I did it to feel free
But now I'm stuck and I've died

I am looking in the mirror
And I see all the things I hate
And my mind is becoming clearer
When did I gain so much weight?

And doing these things, destroying my body
Crying myself to sleep
All this blood I disembody
When I cut down too deep

She's falling

And so she's sitting in her bed
With her chin on her knees
Closing her eyes, going through her head
Trying to deny this damn disease

Her whole body full of straight little lines
Which she's doing everything to hide
And the reasons are loads of different kinds
It's just her thoughts shape on the outside

Happy is the first impression
She's become a pro to lie
She can't get rid of this obsession
Can't remember how it started, she can't remember why

She can't be her own protection
She can't beat herself alone
It's like a brain-infection
She can't survive it on her own

Her body is shivering and her mind's full of dread
She can't stop feeling so damn small
All the times her body coloured red
All those thoughts lead to her fall.

Lust

She is drinking your blood right from your skin
Look at those eyes, dangerous but oh so fine
She's dragging you into her sin
And you get to taste the divine

As your kissing her bloody lips
You feel your soul turning darker, your eyes turning black
And you're experiencing mental trips
You are losing yourself, there's no turning back

And she was there to seduce you
To help you drown in your own mind
And now you're moving closer that you never were true
She stole your life and you were blind

This is why they call her unreliable
She'll dig your grave
But she's undeniable
Still she's all that you crave

Dying

I opened your eyes
I never told you no lies
I gave you my heart
But you just torned it apart

I bled my part
I spoke my words
I did impart
I flew with the birds

And I crushed in my head
Exploaded and I bled
I turned against myself to flee
But I found it killing me

don't break

You helped me to stay
You gave me a reason
Promised you'd never betray
You made me live another season

And you made me alright
You made me whole
You gave me something bright
And saved my damaged soul

And then one day you weren't the same
You weren't okay
I couldn't see that burning flame
And I tried, but couldn't save your day

You gave me your love
You borrowed me your wings
But when you needed me to take you above
I didn't pull the right strings

I don't know how to help you
If you don't let me in
And it kills me to see you go through
When you're breaking within

.~.~.~.~.

I'm holding my breath
I'm closing my eyes
This is love's death
No one can hear my cries

I'm lying in my bed
The world is silent
Can't get this out of my head
These thoughts turning violent

Walking alone
With my arms burning red
Tears has flown
I have bled

Nothing I treasure is fun anymore
I don't eat, don't sleep
It will never be as before
I'm drowning in myself, the shallow's deep

Condemnd

I know I'm the disappointment of this year
And I'm not good enough
I'm not as innocent as my tear
And I'm not at all tough

With my whole body red
For experimentation and curiosity
And no matter how much I bled
I couldn't show my generosity

For you where the one I would care about
I were supposed to hold you when you were blue
But both of us had to make it without
The warmth from someone we knew

How do I even know you'd care for my death
I'm heading wrong
And you're the one who's stealing my breath
How the hell am I supposed to get along

'Cause without my sweetest friend
The sharpest little blade
The one that could be my end
But it's also the one gettng me through alive this damn parade

I'm the disappointment of all the years
For you, for them
I can't stand for you to see my tears
I'm the one you condemn

this is what a life can turn up to

It's all inside my head
I'm so damn wrecked
I balance on a thread
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Can't stand my head imagining
All those people staring at me
Laughing, whispering
I'm not good enough, anybody can see

I don't have the energy to feel inadequated
Like I'm so much lower then anybody else around
All I want is my mind to be sedated
I'll make my own sound

When someone past by
All I can see is that they are so much better then me
And no matter how hard I try
I end up thinking what I can't be

And when I look in the mirror
I see all the things I hate
And the edge, I'm moving nearer
I care too much about my weight

And then I'm standing there
Look in the mirror, my hands shaking
Everything's wrong, my clothes, my hair
And I'm breaking

Rummage my bag for something
Something to make it go away
I feel that tiny sting
Next second my mind sway

I'm losing consciousness
And it feels damn good
The power the blade possess
Understand, no one could

And it's running down
Slowly making it's way
I feel high, in my mind I drown
And I betray

I betray the ones who trusted in me
The ones who care
'Cause they see so much more then I see
And I hurt them in my dispair

stupied words

Why don't you just rip my heart out?
And save me all of my sufferings.
I'd rather live without,
All those damn things.

Why can't you just end it,
to prevent breaking my heart?
You don't really like me anyway, you must admit,
I don't want to waste my blood on someone who don't want to impart.

And now I'm crying blood, the same old way,
for something that doesn't even matter for you.
And it's pathetic that I just can't say,
all these things on my mind too.

And these things on my wrist,
some of them are caused by you.
I'm lost in the mist,
and I've got no one to turn to.

A disease

Looking down in the toilet
My reflection looking back at me
A tear running down my cheek
This is what I don't want to be
Looking in the mirror
While brushing my teeth
To wash away the proof
This is what I am underneath

Lying in my bed
Feel those thoughts coming back
Just so damn disgusted by myself
My mind is stained black
'Cause I'll never be pretty enough
Funny or so smart
If I'm thin I'm good at something
More thoughts ain't something I'll impart

I'll never be good enough
Not for you, not for anyone
I'm not pretty, I'm not tough
And all these things I've done
Somethings that's been hurting me
And they've made some scars
Some in my soul and some that you can see
And when it's time I wanna die under the stars

Untitled

I'm falling apart
My head's spinning around
My heart's bursting
I'm lying on the ground
I'm all damn alone
I'm dying inside
I can't stand to feel
And no one's on my side

All the things I did
to forget the pain inside
Hurting myself just
to get on with time

~*~*~
I can't stand to live like this
I don't want to breathe no more
Thinking of everything I regret
All the things that made me soar
~*~*~

I'm smiling
Trying to seem okay
Inside I'm crying
Can't stand another day
You don't want to know
What's behind this shell
All the things I've done
To get through another living hell

Lying to the truth itself
Just to keep on living
Laughing on the outside
Drowning on the inside

~*~*~
I can't stand to live like this
I don't want to breathe no more
Thinking of everything I regret
All the things that made me soar
~*~*~

What happened back then

Do you even know
Those bad memories I've had
It's nothing I'd show
It makes me feel bad

Maybe it was my fault anyway
I did chat for fun
It's what they'd always say
I wish it was just never done

The fear within
Comes up sometimes
I can feel it begin
It's not one of the worst crimes

He didn't rape me
Maybe just my mind
I never told anyone, maybe they'd disagree
I don't want anyone to remind

I don't want to think of it
'Cause sometimes I forget
I'd just rather don't admit
Anything about that threat

Something damn

I used to be a part of it
But you cut me out with a knife
With the silence you submit
I used to be an important part of your life

I want to be there to help you
I want to know what's wrong
I want to guide you through
And help you stand strong

But you won't even let me know
What the hell is going on
It makes me numb also
To know I can't help you to not withdrawn

Another selfish poem

I'm not okay
I don't feel fine
And to keep those tears away
I isolate the heart of mine

I want to sleep forever
And when I wake up just feel good
And I wouldn't care whatever
I wouldn't depend 'cause no one else would

I wish to do something right
For once in my life
I want someone to be proud at me and look at me with delight
And for once not wanting to take the knife

All these egoistic poems I write
Just someting from my heart
About my fright
That will someday tear me apart

I'm so damn lame

What I've developed into
What made me for who I am
All the things I went through
Why I've been condemn

This image of me is so unsure
It's so damn frail
Inside my mind is obscure
My self-conscience is just a false detail

This strong me talking
Who's controlling every movement
It's fake the way I'm walking
And there ain't much improvement

I'm damn weak
And it's so fucking lame
Can't handle critique
And I've got no one else than myself to blame

I'm afraid to burst
And rarely let anyone in
Everything's reversed
But I'll continue fight my fear within

Can't stand alone

I love you but I know
That you deserve the best
Not someone from below
Someone who ain't this depressed

But I still don't want to let you go
And it's so egostic of me to occur
You deserve someone who'd know
That you'd choose to be with her

But I am so damn scared you'd prefere to be
With some other girl
Since there is so much wrong with me
And my whole mind twirl

Sorry to push this on you
Since you did nothing wrong
And if you want me please just help me to
Stand strong

To dad

I am sorry for everything I'm not
All I want is to make you proud
But this is all I've got
To stand out in the crowd

Daddy, I know
That you love me
And I want to show
How good I can be

But I can't stand there
Keep in my anger or sadness
It's too damn hard to bear
Only giving me madness

I know you underestimate me
Alot of people do
But what they expect me to be
Is something I'll never turn into

You say that you don't think of me that way
But I can see it in your eyes
That I'm a teenager and haven't got so much to say
That I'm not deep and only think of guys

But the world is full of so much more
And I'm not that dumb
I'll always be me, but maybe not the one I was before
At least I know what I won't become